Starting to Piece my M back together

[CWOL]

Let thing chill first, as I'm sure you will see if you re-read your own post carefully. You don't want to scare the squirrel. A lot of what you describes are things reacting to other things happening. When it calms down, your W may get buyer's remorse and think you pushed her back into your marital home.

The lease has already been signed so you guys are stuck with it. If she does come back on her own, you can always try to sublet it or ask the landlord for some rent abatement. But I'm sure you will agree your M is worth a lot more than a month or two's rent. (Trust me, this situation will change in that time).

[Mowgli]

I think a MC could really help you guys. It's nice to have someone help you both navigate all of this stuff going on in your lives.

[LiM]

I asked my IC to refer me to a MC and he did. I had a phone call with the new MC and I like him. He told me that he's big on personal responsibility and accountability. I wanted to make sure he wouldn't blame me for her CHOICE to have an A. He won't.
A couple of weeks ago, I asked my W about going to MC and she told me that she didn't want to; at least not right now. Ordinarily, this would be a big red flag but in our case, I don't think it is. Right now, we're both going to IC, one daughter is going to IC and we are both doing the Pathways program (which is an enormous financial and time commitment). She basically told me that she would prefer to wait on a new MC until June when we were both done with Pathways.
Even if she told me today that she wanted to move back in, I would insist that we start MC together and get a few sessions under our belts.

[doodler]

LiM

Based on my limited experience with MC, it only works well when both spouses have bought into it. MC was disastrous for my marriage because my wife didn't want to work on the marriage, she wanted me to be fixed. (It didn't help that I told her I'd had a vasectomy years ago so I was already fixed.)

Anyway, I'm agreeing with you; in your case it's probably not a red flag. Your wife is probably not ready to face her demons with you being present in the counseling session.

[LiM]

That is my thought doodler. She just needs some more time and I'm trying not to pressure her into anything. Although I would have loved to start right away, we'll wait till she's ready.

[SH_]

Hi LiM,

I have been reading your thread and I gotta say how impressed I am with your patience and approach. I take hope for my own sitch in seeing what you have been able to accomplish

Well done my friend, I am pulling for you and the best outcome possible for your goals and family.

[mvgfwd2]

Be careful with all the intimacy. She may just be replacing one addiction for another. When this new high is gone she may move onto another place to get a new fix.

[LiM]

That is something that I'm worried about and I know we need to discuss in MC. Right now, things are fun, exciting and adventurous. But even what we are experiencing right now isn't real life. Its almost as much of a fantasy as the A was. We're living in two different houses and having sex sometimes 3 times a day (did I just make that into a complaint?). She's not having to really be accountable for any real life responsibilities. She's not taking care of our house. She not parenting our kids (although she probably thinks she is). We're not working on our finances together.
Unfortunately, M is sometimes boring, tedious and monotonous. Its called life. Every day can't be a new adventure. That's doesn't mean that things have to go back to the way they where before. They can and should be much better than that. But I am worried about her mental state once things start to settle back down into a more of a routine.

I've got "leg" workout today with my daughter. That will kick my butt. And then my W asked me to go swimming with her tonight. She's got a place to swim that is different than where her old tri group went (OM's house). She told me they'll swim less than 2K yards and I can do that.
Also signed up for my first "race." I wanted to do a 5K but I'm not really ready for that. My running has dropped off over the past 4-6 weeks. So I'm just doing a 1 mile in a couple of weeks. Baby steps.

[Dawgs]

Sounds like your head is in the right place. Your W sounds somewhat like mine, but I sure as hell hope she isn't ...

I say that because of the similarities in how ours used to be fun, exciting, adventurous, and all before kids and married life took over. I think that was one of the things that led to our problems - when we were dating and very early into the marriage she was all about going places, going out (even though she wasn't into clubs), and all that...I really think that when that slowed down a lot it started getting to her. Oh well, that's life, no?

Not sure why you are complaining about sex...as long as you keep it at that and keep emotions out.

Keep up the good work!

[LiM]

LOL, not complaining about the sex. It just sounded like I was when I wrote that. The point was that we're having a crazy amount of sex in a second house. That's not real life. That can't be the norm if we are moving forward. The second house has to go away at some point and as much as I'd love to be able to continue having sex as much as we have been, its not feasible. We have jobs and kids and responsibilities. At some point, we have to settle back into a routine. It can be a better routine than we had before and we can work hard to make sure we continue to do things that keep life interesting and exciting. But I'm realizing now that she's moved from one fantasy world with OM back into a fantasy world with me.