Starting to Piece my M back together

[LiM]

My previous threads:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...787#Post2636787

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...479#Post2637479

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...973#Post2653973

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2667741&page=1


So I guess I’m now starting to work on piecing my M back together. As a brief recap, in October last year, my W told me that she was unhappy and was considering S. It took me a few weeks but I eventually agreed that I needed to work on some issues. I started counseling and asked her to go with me. She all but refused. She came a couple of times but was completely withdrawn and closed off. At the end of December, I discovered that she was having an A with her triathlon coach that began in November. I kicked her out of the house. We’ve been separated since. I THOUGHT we were working on things but in the middle of March, I discovered that the A had restarted towards the end of January. So I filed for D. I have been DB’ing this whole time and continue to do so today.

After serving her with D papers, things began to change dramatically in our lives. OM confessed to his W 4 days later. Maybe because he thought I would expose the A (I did plan to). Over the following week, my W was in complete chaos. OM’s W actually met with my W and forgave her just 3 days after after her H came clean. OM’s W was instrumental in getting my W to start coming out of the fog. She told my W what she needed to do and slowly, she has started to listen and come around. Its a slow process but its interesting. It so slow that I can actually see it happening in real time as she begins to come back to reality. I can see her struggling with the lies she’s told herself to justify what she has done.
A week ago, we had our first real conversation in a long time but she was still very much in the fog. She wanted to know how soon she could go back to training with the OM’s tri group. She figured that should be ok since she has been forgiven by OM’s W. I let her know in no uncertain terms that was NOT ok. But everyday since then, I’ve slowly been seeing the changes in her. This morning she sent me a text message and told me that she was unfollowing his training groups FB page so that she wouldn't see anything to do with that group anymore. I thought that was a HUGE step forward. Her entire social network revolves around that group of athletes so for her to be willing to walk away from that is a big step. Of course, I know to not believe anything she says and only half of what she does until proven otherwise.

I’ve been looking for a way to become more involved with her triathlon activities; maybe even as her training assistant. I can never compete or train on her level. She is an elite. But also this morning, she found a Summer long series of weekly 5K’s and suggested that we do those together. Now THAT I can do and I told her that I would really enjoy doing that with her.

She’s not completely out of the fog yet. I know it will take time. But I do see her progress and believe it to be genuine. I see her struggling and coming to grips with the reality of the harm she has caused. And I’m just going to let her go through that. Last night on the phone, she said something about money she was going to have to pay to a lawyer she hired after I served her. I wanted to say “Dont do that, I’m not moving forward with the D so there is no reason to spend that money.” Instead, I said nothing. I just sat there. HER actions will determine whether or not the D moves forward. She’s going to have to continue to make choices that tell me she is choosing me and is willing to do whatever it takes to regain my trust.

We’re going on a date Saturday night and I’m looking forward to that. We’re going to dinner and a comedy club. I’ve also had a telephone interview with a MC suggested to me by my IC. I wanted someone that was “pro marriage” but also someone that expected each party to be accountable and responsible for their actions and faults. Someone that would insist that she own her DECISION/CHOICE to have an A. I hope we can start going together next week. I believe the MC will reinforce my needs for a transparency plan along with everything else I’ll need to start feeling safe in this R again. And of course, I will continue to DB and work on ME and my own issues.

I struggle with wanting to allow her back too easily and allowing myself to be a doormat. But that's why I keep coming here to tell my story. As soon as I get off course even a little, someone steps up and sets me straight. Such an incredible group of people here!

[trumpet]

I just love reading the story, LiM. You have made SOOO many good choices in the land-mine ridden landscape we called LBH.

Stay vigilant. Stay mysterious to your WW. Do things that are new to you, so you have your own personal plate-balancing/spinning. You need things beyond your WW right now to feel emotionally, physically, and mentally healthy. She can't be trusted, and can't be leaned on in any way, shape, or form.

She has her own demons. Leaning on you is ill advised - she has to learn to battle the demons and win herself. Considering she has mental strength is spades with being a Triathlete, this should be easy, but I hesitate on that, as SOMETHING is missing in your WW's life to lead her on this journey to infidelity. Was it part you, part her? Probably. Figure out why your car went off the road. You're responsible for your car on the road of life.

[LiM]

I just love reading the story, LiM. You have made SOOO many good choices in the land-mine ridden landscape we called LBH.

She has her own demons. Leaning on you is ill advised - she has to learn to battle the demons and win herself. Considering she has mental strength is spades with being a Triathlete, this should be easy, but I hesitate on that, as SOMETHING is missing in your WW's life to lead her on this journey to infidelity. Was it part you, part her? Probably. Figure out why your car went off the road. You're responsible for your car on the road of life.

I feel that I have made a lot of really stellar moves during this horrible process. I have the book and especially this forum for steering me in the right direction. I certainly could not have done it alone. I knew from the moment that I picked up the book that I had a special tool in my hands. It spoke to me right away.

Something WAS definitely missing in her life. And a good part of that was me. I've spent the last 4 months figuring out what that was and working to correct those issues. She made the choice to have the A but I was negligent in our M in different ways. I'm responsible for my stuff and am committed to fixing my part in all of that. But she absolutely has her own demons. She has to fix those. I can be there to support and help steer her but she's got to do the real work herself. As a triathlete, she does have the resolve to accomplish anything she wants but she has some major emotional issues that have to be dealt with too. That is evident in her drinking.
We have a long road ahead and a lot of work to do. But I see the potential for something really good to be built on top of the wreckage that was our M before and during the A. I intend to keep working on my issues and building a life where I know I will be fine with our without her in it.

[Mowgli]

Awesome to hear man! keep us in the loop!

[TxHubby]

Awesome and inspirational LiM. A lot of good life lessons in your story about how to deal with these types of things. I hope that people who find themselves newly in a similar situation can see the wisdom of some of your decisions. Putting in firm boundaries, filing for D when they were violated, showing her the path home, staying firm on boundaries. All great stuff. You're handling this the way I wish I had handled my own situation. It took me over 2 years of hell to figure it out. You do still have a lot of work to do but you two have to commit to always working together. If one has a problem with the other then communicate and work it out. I love the idea of you becoming her training assistant. Serious athletes, like your W, like to record everything. Their workouts, nutrition, race results, etc. It's a lot of work. I have a sibling that has been a triathlete for decades and I've seen all that work. That is a great role for you to be involved and support her with.

Good luck. Stay vigilant. You've lived through "...or worse" so I'm hoping for some "for better..." coming both your way!

[GWH]

Good luck LiM, and keep up the good work brother!

[Stormchaser]

Keep it going, LiM.

Expect setbacks. I had a little bit of one the other night, while having dinner with my W at her gym. It was stupid stuff but after we got done dinner and went home, I realized some things I said off comment to another person within earshot were probably not the best. I won't say what they were, but when I got home I called my W and apologized to her. Luckily she didn't take them seriously but did appreciate the call and understood that we're both still in "super sensitized" land where any little comment can be construed in a bad way. So we didn't lose any ground there.

Its funny how communication is the key, but over-communication is BAD....these are things you'll go back and forth on quite a while before you find a fine balance.

[LiM]

My W and I are going on a date tomorrow night. Going to dinner and an improv comedy club. Really looking forward to that.
I had a minor set back last night. Maybe I broke a "DB rule." Not sure. We were at our daughters track meet and at the end, I went to hug her. She pulled away playing coy. This isn't something new. She's done this a million times in our relationship. Its just something she does; not really being mean. I guess its supposed to be cute. But after what we've gone through, that really hurt my feelings and I let her know that. I haven't shown her a lot of emotion through all this but I took the opportunity to show her how hurt I have been by all of this. I told her I will NOT pursue her. She has to pursue me and I made sure she understood why. She came to me afterwards and apologized. She sees my hurt and I think that is a good thing so maybe not really a setback.
I'm now seeing how hard this is going to be for me. Things that may have been funny in the past are no longer funny. At least not right now. On Sunday, when we were intimate at her house for the first time since October, she said "She, its a good thing to have another house", meaning that we could have sex without being interrupted by kids. But in my mind, having another house allowed her to continue her A. And then a couple of days ago, she came over to my house kinda late to see the kids. I went to bed and she came to lay next to me for a few minutes. Conversation jokingly went to me sponsoring her tri activities with money from my company. She, again jokingly, said it would be a good thing because I get "around." What she meant was that she travels all over the country to compete. But to me, "getting around" now has a different connotation. I guess those are things that I will have to learn to deal with because I can't expect her to be thinking about every word that is going to come out of her mouth and whether or not it is going to hurt me.
She's reading 2 books I gave her about "how to help your S heal from your A" so I know she is trying. Its hard to be patient.

[LiM]

You're handling this the way I wish I had handled my own situation. It took me over 2 years of hell to figure it out.

Thanks Tx. Your advice and encouragement has been extremely valuable to me. I'm glad to have had your support. You are an important member of this forum. You've helped me in ways you can't even imagine. Please keep giving your advice to anyone that will listen.

[Stormchaser]

She, again jokingly, said it would be a good thing because I get "around." What she meant was that she travels all over the country to compete. But to me, "getting around" now has a different connotation. I guess those are things that I will have to learn to deal with because I can't expect her to be thinking about every word that is going to come out of her mouth and whether or not it is going to hurt me.

Same here, LiM.

I have 2 examples from last night. One was she was on the phone with a friend who is inviting us out to dinner. My wife made a comment to friend that she will not be drinking due to watching her weight. I said out loud, "you BETTER drink", and wife responded, "don't worry, I'm a sure thing". I almost blurted out, "yeah, you sure were"....but kept it quiet.

And another comment later about us going out with several of her coworkers in the future. One is kind of a slut. I made a comment to W, if this "friend" knew of her affair. She said NO WAY - the OM would always hit on the friend but she thought he was disgusting. If friend found out W had an affair, she'd be floored. Then the sudden thought: You mean this slut turned down this creep, and here you had an affair with him? My church going God fearing wife? The anger was overwhelming. I'm still kind of reeling from it, but then I read TxHubby's posts and realize that my W was possessed at the time and is NOT the same person.

As another side note, I hinted at the W the other day for some sexting while I had some free time at work. W said no. I took it personally, since she always did that with OM. When we got home we talked about it. She said it brings back awful memories of her and OM. I said, "we could create new memories". She agreed, but said "we need time. Give me time to enjoy our new lives together before we start that up. Its still too raw to me and if I did it, I'd do it just to make you happy, not because I wanted to. I want to do it and get something out of it with you". So that made me feel good. Seeing how well things are progressing, I know it'll eventually happen. We are exploring new things sexually - 3 weeks ago those things were completely off limits, now they're becoming a regular part of our love making.