A New Chapter

[Phoebe]

That song sounds like a tough one to hear. I think I'll avoid it!!!

A friend of mine had a lot of reiki done for a while. I didn't really understand what it was about, but I was glad that she felt better with it. im glad it's helping you, too, Painter.

Good luck with your interview tomorrow! You've got this!

[Phoebe]

Thinking of you on interview day. Go Painter!!!

[Painter]

Phoebe, it's a very moving Bonnie Raitt-song, and you'd probably recognize it if you heard it:

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me
Tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't

I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me
Morning will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

'Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't.

-------

It should come with a consumer warning... Very sad song.

I didn't like my reaction to the reiki. It's a form of healing energy work, but I had two long nightmares about H living with another woman (different women in the different dreams), and woke up feeling icky again. Almost like a setback, it was like the light and optimism I had that carried me forward, is gone, and I just feel angry and snippy. I did some visualization work to get rid of the feeling, and will continue with that throughout the day.

I will update after the job interview!

[Painter]

Job interview went great, she more or less told me to expect an offer on Thursday.

It's not the best paid job I could get, but it's doing something I enjoy, flexible hours, part-time with benefits, and with my other income, I'll be fine.

[JujuB]

Painter,

Congratulations on job interview. That is fantastic. You only just moved! You are doing amazing and I promise you it is going to get easier. You have been through the worst allready. Life can only go up at this point. And it sounds like it is. This space will give you time to reflect on what you are willing to put up with in a relationship. Allow yourself the necessary time to grieve and then focus on what presently surrounds you.

I think certain people are just incapable of committing. You are though, and I really stand by this thought... You deserve so much more then someone capable of cheating. You will realize this with some distance. You are such a powerful poster. You stand up for others with so much strength, intellect, and clarity. . I think you need to start doing this for yourself.

What is love anyway? Selfless love is a lot to expect in a marriage. I'm sure he does love you. But maybe its all about degrees.

[Phoebe]

I don't know why, but my posts aren't showing up consistently today. I lost one here and another on my own thread. Strange.

Anyway, the one here was to congratulate you for doing so well in your interview! You are awesome, Painter!

[Painter]

Painter,

Congratulations on job interview. That is fantastic. You only just moved! You are doing amazing and I promise you it is going to get easier. You have been through the worst allready. Life can only go up at this point. And it sounds like it is. This space will give you time to reflect on what you are willing to put up with in a relationship. Allow yourself the necessary time to grieve and then focus on what presently surrounds you.

I think certain people are just incapable of committing. You are though, and I really stand by this thought... You deserve so much more then someone capable of cheating. You will realize this with some distance. You are such a powerful poster. You stand up for others with so much strength, intellect, and clarity. I think you need to start doing this for yourself.

What is love anyway? Selfless love is a lot to expect in a marriage. I'm sure he does love you. But maybe its all about degrees.

Thank you, I'm very happy I was able to find something in my specialty so quickly. It is really underpaid for my experience and skill level, so that makes it easier to get hired, of course , but it gives me a lot of freedom and has benefits, so it's a trade-off.

I'm reading and re-reading your thoughts on my situation. I do feel like it can only get easier from here, and I'm optimistic about my future. I'm still terribly sad about what has happened, and like you said, it takes time to grieve that. Just can't be rushed (or covered up by a new relationship). And there's also ties - emotional and energetic - that take some time to break. I think of it as roots for a plant. My roots have been growing for 15 years and they can't be cut without causing injury.

I know that if someone else told me the same story, I would be flabbergasted about why they would even consider to continue or rekindle a relationship with someone who could treat them like that. But the heart is such an unpredictable thing.

I've never stayed with a cheater before - there were a few times in non-exclusive, new relationships where I felt someone else was around and I just lost interest immediately. I got cheated on seriously once right before I met H, and I told the guy off and never talked to him again, although I was terribly hurt and upset for quite a while afterwards.

Maybe once I have disconnected more, I will feel differently about H.

[Painter]

I don't know why, but my posts aren't showing up consistently today. I lost one here and another on my own thread. Strange.

Anyway, the one here was to congratulate you for doing so well in your interview! You are awesome, Painter!

Thanks, Phoebe!

I've had the same problems with some posts, just every now and then.

[Phoebe]

I lost posts again today! So strange.

I think that a lot of people struggle to understand why anyone would consider taking back a spouse that has cheated. I have definitely heard it from some of those who know my story. They ask me how I could ever trust him again. Honestly, I'm not sure how I can ever trust ANYONE again. I suppose in a way, that if I could be willing to put in the effort to learn to trust a stranger, then I should at least be willing to consider putting that effort into a person I've already married.

Why? I guess because once, a long time ago, I came to believe that cheating is a symptom of a problem in a marriage, not a referendum on the marriage itself. Maybe it was all the struggles in my own M with my H's ED, which caused us so much pain that I once considered asking for an open marriage. Realizing that my needs were not being met for years, despite rationalizing to myself that I was OK with that, almost made me seek attention elsewhere. I didn't, but I came to understand that relationships are imperfect things, just as people are imperfect beings.

Anyway, you don't need to defend yourself from those who don't understand your heart. Our hearts do not take directions.

Take care of yours, Painter.

[JujuB]

Painter

I love the root analogy.

But I think there is more to it as to why we become so attached to someone that is treating us in a way that goes against our own core beliefs (myself included). I think in these cases, when spouse has broken a known and established boundary that sanctifies the very definition of marriage we have to remind ourselves "I love spouse, but I love me more"

I understand the argument that if we do that we are behaving no differently then a WAS. But I really believe that there are certain boundaries that need to be enforced. Cheating does seem to be your boundary.

Writing it off as it being love and due to the heart is sentimental and I get it, but at the same time we have to look at things practically. What makes husband so special that you are willing to look beyond your boundaries? What makes anyone so special that we would be willing to look past such harm and disrespect to our own spirits?

or is it something more?

I agree That once you disconnect, you will feel differently. It's so hard when it's our situation we are dealing with. you are doing all the right things.

maybe it's about learning to be good to yourself?