Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Such a platitude, but it's true. This morning, I woke up in a different place, in a different state, to start a new life.
Some good signs: I got an e-mail this morning with a small project that will give me a little extra income. I already have a steady work from home-job that I can take anywhere, so today I'm setting up office.
The sun is shining, humidity is low, and I ache much less than I usually do. This climate is much better for me. I took the dog for a morning walk and it was crisp and refreshing. I chatted a bit with another dog walker and got some information about local dog issues.
The hurt from the loss of my M is still there, but not as frequent or intense - I guess the sad events over the last two years have given me time to adjust to what's happening, even if I haven't completely accepted it. It's sort of like having taken a painkiller that *almost* takes the pain away. It's dimmed and I'm able to ignore it. The last night before I left, I so badly wanted to be with H - I missed the familiar warmth and closeness. I resisted because I knew it wouldn't be a real comfort, it would just make it more difficult to leave.
H and I are communicating through texts. We did speak a little on the phone two days ago, but only about practical issues. The texts are also purely about logistics. He wanted me to check in with him during the long drive so he wouldn't have to worry, and thanked me when I did.
I am inclined to go as dark as possible at this point to avoid being reminded of him and what I'll think of as home for a while. We will have to interact about the separation agreement and subsequent practical things, but I suggested before I left that we stick to texts and e-mails, and he agreed.
Mood: Cautiously optimistic.
Activities for today: Getting settled, unloading and unpacking, some office work, phone conference with L, food shopping, contacting local friends to see if anyone wants to get together this weekend. The weather is supposed to be gorgeous.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I guess the adrenaline was bound to wear off. This has been a difficult day. I signed the separation agreement in front of a horrible notary (going to file a complaint with the state) and sent it to H. He's been angry and bullying and pushing me very hard to get it done on his timetable.
Also found out he's been lying to me about going to work this week - he took all week off after I left. Today, he's not answering texts and I suspect he's been preparing for OW to arrive today.
Then I got a couple of messages from one of his friends (someone who was very anti-me after H started the A) that I think were meant for H. They were very brief, just stated 'OW-state bound' and followed by a heart. Strange messages from one 60+ year old man to another, IMO.
Hoping tomorrow will be better. I'm planning some pampering before bedtime to get relaxed.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Well, you're free to do what you want to do. That's not a bad thing. Your life belongs only to you now. You answer to no one. You don't have to check with anyone about anything. You're going to be ok. You really are. Do more GAL and find things that make you happy. Personally I'd advise you to date at least one of your H's friends. A single person he's known for years as a friend. Trust me, they'll go out with you. That would drive him absolutely nuts. You might as well have some fun and drive him crazy in the process.
Tx, that would be feasible if I weren't 1000 miles away from H and his friends...
And I don't know if I would have the stomach for it. I'm just not interested in dating at all. I still feel married, and according to our state laws, I am. I suspect it's going to take a while before I have any interest in dating. There are many things I need to achieve for myself that I must use my energy on, and dating would distract from that.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Tx, that would be feasible if I weren't 1000 miles away from H and his friends...
And I don't know if I would have the stomach for it. I'm just not interested in dating at all. I still feel married, and according to our state laws, I am. I suspect it's going to take a while before I have any interest in dating. There are many things I need to achieve for myself that I must use my energy on, and dating would distract from that.
I understand. You're right, you do need to focus only on you. It may be the first time in many years you've been able to do that. Still, if the situation presents itself, date one of his friends. I'm a man. I know men. That will absolutely drive him insane. It doesn't have to be anything serious. Just friendly chatting. The 1000 mile distance means nothing. These things are done electronically now so whether someone is in the next house down or on the other side of the globe doesn't matter.
It does seem that the posters on here that date, even casually do have a better mental outlook. I haven't dated, but when I do go out and see that there are guys that are interested in me it makes me feel better as well. It's a little reminder that life does go on. That it won't always be like how it is now, but we have to make it that way.
Painter, it sounds like you have just made it over another hurdle and a very difficult one at that. You will be able to look back one day, when your emotions are settled and clearly assess the situation from a much better place. Based on a lot of your posts, I really think you are going to like where you are. You are a very intelligent and beautiful woman and you will one day embrace a future not entwined with someone that has not been treating you the way you deserve to be treated. I believe everyone deserves loyalty in a relationship. Yes we all have flaws. Yes we all made mistakes in our relationships. But sometimes our anger and fighting comes from something inside us that knows we were not being treated right. Despite all of that you still were willing to work on your relationship. Husband was not. So now you are free to take what you have learned from your end and create a new and beautiful life for yourself.
Dating for me will always ultimately be a choice to be free.
I can't say when that would be feasible except that I want to be the best that I can be before I do.
Anyone worthy of dating is worthy of being cared for and respected.
Even casual dating requires a mindset of self worth, to my mind those who have success at dating already have a mindset for it, it isn't the mindset that is created by the dating but the other way, positive mindset creates feasible dating.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am a big believer in no dating for one year after the divorce is legally finalized. Not BD, not physical separation, not when you decided you didn't want R. But at a minimum of 1 year after the divorce is finalized.
A lot of stats say that it takes 1 month to recover from divorce for every year together. My IC LAUGHS at that and says that recovering from a divorce is a 3-5 years journey, sometimes longer. Dating before then isn't moving on, it's medicating.
Yes, I'm sure it feels nice to have someone else to comfort you. It feels nice to be high as hell too. What feels nicer is being able to handle reality on reality's terms.
Those are my general beliefs. And for me, personally, they are more conservative. I am in no position to date. I've let go of XW, but I'm not my normal self still. I told my best friend that it's like I'm a computer that has a software scan running in the back ground. I'm only at 80-90% of where I was. I know this because I've gotten feedback from friends that I am not quite as hungry and ambitious as I was, and that I seem a bit more fatigued. I don't bound out of bed to take on the world the way I did when I thought I had a supportive woman rooting me on. I still sort through some baggage. I'm just not completely on my game. Plus, I am still dealing with some finalities of the settlement, I am only now moving into a home that suits my family better, and I am just going to 50/50 custody on 6/1 after 18 months of 4/14. These are major life changes, and I think they deserve my attention. Finally, when my children's world has been flipped upside down, I think it's only fair to them to keep things calm, stable, and make them my priority.
To me this seems absolutely appropriate, and frankly I wouldn't want anything to do with anyone that handled it any differently than this. To me the same people that want to rebound to recover from their R or help them medicate for their hurt feelings, well, those are the same people that I wouldn't trust to stick through an equally difficult time 5-10-15 years down the road in our relationship. I, too, don't want to go through this again, and I don't want to be someone else's rebound, or partner with someone that leads with their emotional neediness.
OK, some of my opinions may be extreme, and generalities don't apply to everyone. But there they are.
V, Painter, take care of yourself and the task at hand. When it comes to addiction my motto is 'you know you're addicted when you have to ask if you have a problem. I don't gamble, I don't have to ask myself if I'm addicted to gambling. I drink a beer monthly or sometimes quarterly, I don't have to ask myself. When you have to wonder if you have a problem, it's too much.' So you want to know when it's time to start dating? When you no longer ask yourself if you're ready because you've come so far you know in your heart there is no question to ask.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Juju, your post struck me because it was almost word for word the same things my friends who know H, tell me. And thank you for the lovely compliments!
I don't know that I have a particular timeframe in mind for dating again, but I left my home less than a week ago and am in the middle of a grieving process. I'm not even tempted to date, it's not on my radar - my focus is on processing the loss of my M and my home, all my friends and my life as I knew it, and establishing myself in a new place. I am so happy and grateful that I have a wonderful son who is taking such good care of me.
If someone pays me a compliment or looks twice at me on the street, I'll take it for what it is - a little boost to my confidence. If I meet someone by chance who I feel a great connection with, I'm good with a friendship. I would immediately let whoever it was, know where I am at and that it wouldn't be fair to either of us to enter into a new relationship.
But that's not something I expect to encounter - I'm sure I'm not sending any signals of being available at this time.
As many other women in their 50's, I'm perfectly fine by myself.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Such a platitude, but it's true. This morning, I woke up in a different place, in a different state, to start a new life. 
