Cheating and Trauma

[lambo80]

She left an hour ago to go to a fabric store that is literally a block from her OM's house. I said bye and didn't say a word to her about being near him--a big change. If she comes home later than she should, I will not say a word. I'll just do my thing, be positive, and act as if nothing affects me. Pleading, questioning, etc... will only make it worse.

She is being assessed by her therapist tomorrow and he might recommend hospitalization.

This is much easier said than done.

[Vanilla]

Lovely, as long as you enable this it will continue.

Detatch from the outcome and set your boundaries, at this moment your WW is having ano addicted life.

Please accept that until you change your tolerance of it then it will keep cycling.

My very strong recommendation is 12 step for YOU.

You have not commented on this and I think it is because you may not want this to change. As long as WW is addicted and putting on a show of abstaining that allows you to continue.

This post is probably one of the hardest posts that I have had to write and I do so because I wished some one had been this straight with me early on.

V

[lambo80]

I went to my first al-anon meeting! It was hard to go. Hard to accept this is my life. I don't understand the OM. I'm not being ugly but he has 5 DUI's and is a horrible person--for many moral reasons. I don't understand what she sees in him. I am an executive.

Regardless, you are right and I thank you for being straight with me. She is back in therapy twice a week and I have stopped any sort of physical contact with her.
I came home from a job fair last night and she was stoned asleep on the couch and our 8 year old was laying next to her trying to wake her up because she was supposed to change his sheets on his bed so he could go to sleep.
Obviously I can't leave her with the kids. And it would cost me 10 grand to try to take them away.

As strange as it sounds, we get along great when she is not running off.
Can I ask your advice? She is a wedding coordinator and when she runs off and doesn't come home Saturday night, what is the best way to act on Sunday morning when she comes home guilty and remorseful? This is one I really need help with.

I feel stuck and helpless. Sorry, but I am very depressed tonight.

Thank you

[Vanilla]

There is something I want to say and it is very important I think.

This is the worst it will be. Attending twelve step doing so is for you. The start of your journey to discovering yourself and your life. Your acknowledgement to healing and creating your life for yourself and your children.

Acceptance as the first step is both the hardest and the most painful of all the steps. Acceptance that the things you have most influence about are within you. Acceptance that you need although reluctantly the support of others.

I know that the knowledge lies within you to heal your side of the disfunction for your children. Twelve steps and this board work together in your life to support you. Real life regular support from those who have worn the T shirt is important in your recovery. They know as few can how this is. You are no longer alone and that is important.

This is vital to the turnaround which now begins in your life.

An OM of this type is a poor quality partner and alcoholics choose these types of EA as they support addiction. It is part of the addiction pattern. My XWH is an alcoholic, gambler, smoker and womaniser. He chose to abstain rather than recover. I have chosen to recover, it's a harder path initially and in the long run a much better one.

There are your children and you do this for them, to protect, love and guide your children.

It is a brave brave step, and whilst it is not my place to do so I am proud of you. Very much.

I will be here offering you my full support in this wonderful Internet world.

Healing has begun.

Hugs

V

[lambo80]

Thank you Vanilla. I would love to talk to you on the phone if possible. I don't know the polices of this forum--as I am new. So if i violated a boundary I am sorry. I just need advice desperately from someone that has lived this nightmare. I have children to protect.

On the positive note, she is trying to get better. She is going to therapy twice a week now.

Thanks so much for your help.

[Vanilla]

When your WW comes home after a Saturday night then you enforce your boundaries.

Firstly your boundary must be clear and there will need to be consequences that you can enforce.

If your WW is in recovery then the Saturday night frolics will need to cease. It may even be that she needs to stop being a wedding planner and follow an occupation which does not involve hospitality and being away Saturday nights connected to alcohol.otherwise her recovery is a sop to appease you. Clearly WW has not hit the rock bottom which causes her to want recovery.

Your boundary is your boundary.

What is your boundary on recovery?

How will you reinforce your boundary?

In alanon there will be opportunities to have mentors for different parts of your journey.

The damage to your children is incalculable and truly her actions are abusive. Neglect is one of the ACES of childhood and it causes more damage than you can ever know. WW is unfit for the responsibility of parenthood. Know that the most important thing you can do for your children is recover from the codependency which is likelying to bind you. Also be aware that by standing by you too can be neglectful. This changed today, today you stood for yourself and your children.

You can not measure this in terms of money, it will cost you and your children much more than 10,000 to recover from this. Many multiples of it for destruction of lives. Alcoholism is a fatal disease for the alcoholic and destructive for the family. Any price is worth it for your children. Please keep an addiction diary an account of the incidents and consult an L preferably one who has knowledge of addicted partners.

Getting along great when WW is out of addiction is part of the pattern that addicts use to create codependency. They do so because it works. It is their hook their promise that this time life will be different. This is called gaslighting and it's smoke and mirrors. It is disappointing that addicts behave this way and they do so to keep in addiction. To hold true to yourself and for these children is so important. In later years do you want it said by them "my mother was an addict, drugs, drink and affairs and my father stood by because he was addicted to her" or would you rather it was said "my mother was an addict, drugs, drink and affairs and although it was tough for him my father ensured our childhood was protected and we were safe".

So you ask me about your actions and words with WW. Clearly actions speak louder than words in this. The answer lies within you.

So let's discuss the boundary and the options, these are just suggestions:

1. As long as you are addicted WW then you are not responsible or capable of looking after our children. I am putting them first in my life and I am attending Alanon for support. I am serious about my own recovery and that of our children. I will take action if your recovery fails. I believe you need to change your job and attend rehab.

2. WW the incident with S8 the other evening and you being high in his presence was a real wake up call for me. I intend to protect our children from your addiction. If this happens again then I may consider affirming action and I will ask you to leave. I don't want our children exposed to drink and drugs, and in this state please do not return home and be in our home with our children.

3. Say nothing and if WW is drunk or high near the children then you ask her family or friends to remove her from your home. If no other person is responsible for her book a cheap hotel room and leave her there. We had a 12 step member who did this and told her WH that he was not to return home in this state. On the third occasion she put him in the car which she put on the street and called the police who found him drunk in his car and arrested him. It was a real wake up call for him.

4. Lock the door and refuse entry on Sunday, her stuff is in garbage bags.

-------------------------------

There are many choices. Behaviour has consequences.

If you change your stance then WW will change her interaction with you.

Be firm and strong, this is the most loving thing you can do for your children, yourself and tangentially for WW. If she continues her health will be completely destroyed and that will very costly.

Her A is the least of your problems in this.

Step up to step 2.

Hugs

V5

[Vanilla]

Thank you Vanilla. I would love to talk to you on the phone if possible. I don't know the polices of this forum--as I am new. So if i violated a boundary I am sorry. I just need advice desperately from someone that has lived this nightmare. I have children to protect.

On the positive note, she is trying to get better. She is going to therapy twice a week now.

Thanks so much for your help.

Regrettably it is against the contact rules for me to give you my number.

Let me marinade on it and see if I can find support for you in other ways.

Yes addiction is best assisted by those who have been through this. It is a tough gig and it will take much more than two IC sessions to overcome this level of addiction.

Fill your heart with love for yourself and your children.

Hugs

V

[lambo80]

I came home a few minutes ago and saw that the OM had called our home phone. I fell back into old habits of being upset and when my wife asked why I was upset I told her. She said she is not talking to him and has no control over what he does. I then asked her to just be honest and tell me if she is still talking to him and she said "no." She has been to therapy twice this week and I suppose tomorrow night will tell-the-tale.

I did apologize for attacking her. In the event she was telling the truth. She apologized for reacting so angrily. I'm just tired of dealing with the OM. He is an addiction too. After all, he got her back into drugs and alcohol.

If she comes home hungover tomorrow I am going to leave for the day and shut off my phone. I know she is fearful of me leaving her. Unfortunately I lost my job 2 months ago and am in no position to move out. It kind of works to her advantage.

The 180's are working though. She is noticing (and not liking) that I am not always available. Case in point: i went to a job fair the other night and she was begging me not to go and even text me to come home because she missed me so much.
This type of behavior confuses me to no end.

Thanks for all your help. I pray her therapist can help get her straight.

Scott

[Vanilla]

Every Saturday will be like this.

You are very vulnerable as are your children, a career would be a great move right now.

How are things going with regards to the job hunt?

V

[lambo80]

Starting work Monday working on clinical trials with a doctor friend of mine. It will pay the bills for the time until I find a better job. I've been applying and interviewing like crazy.

Woke up this morning with that sick feeling in my stomach. I'm preparing for her not to come home. What I will do differently today is not call or text her asking when she is coming home. I'm going to have a play date with some friends for S. I'll come home put him to bed, watch a movie and go to bed early so I don't sit up all night worried about her.

Thanks for asking.