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#2668197 04/11/16 09:48 AM
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lambo80 Offline OP
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Good morning,

I stumbled across your website this morning looking for advice on what to do to end my wife's affair. She says it is over and she is committed to me and the boys and that she knows the guy is not a good person or who she would EVER want our boys around. Evidence she might be telling me the truth is that he has been calling the house and I have caught him driving by.

Background:

I am not rationalizing my wife's affair at all. She is ultimately culpable for her actions. She has a severe history or trauma and was diagnosed with PTSD and takes an antipsychotic and an antidepressant. Her ex-husband beat and raped her for years and she has been beaten up her whole life by her family and several boyfriends both psychologically and physically.

When I met her she told he she was 5 years clean and sober and she gravitated to me because I am a good man, had a great job and she wanted to go a different direction in life.

The first several years were great and then when she got pregnant, everything changed. Her family started paying for her ex-husband to get custody of our son and we fought a court battle the whole time she was pregnant. We thankfully won the battle and I had the privilege of adopting her son.

However, during the birth, she had a psychological meltdown. She started seeing people and she started hearing voices. She eventually had to see a psychiatrist for this.

Around 8 months ago, she met this guy while buying tires. He introduced her back into drugs and alcohol and she goes out once or twice a week and never comes home until the next morning. She hates herself and what she is doing. She loves me and doesn't want me to leave her. It ignites great fear in her. Yet, I see the addictions so bad in her that she might be incapable of changing.

She was seeing a therapist for months but it didn't help. I finally stopped paying for it. I have been devastated by the whole thing. She even says the guy is mean to her, has threatened to hit her and rapes her when she is passed out drunk at his house.

Leaving right now is just too fearful to me because we have two little boys that: 1. I don't trust her being alone with for a week. 2. I don't want her introducing this guy or any other drug addict into their lives.

I've tried it all and being loving and detaching works for a while and then she goes back to the addictions. It is getting harder for her to do this--as I see the guilt and shame getting worse with her. I also think limerence has wained considerably over the last month. But she isn't affectionate to me, nor does she meet any of my needs. When she comes home she gets stoned and typically falls asleep on the couch. I know she is in terrible pain from her past and every time her family yells at her, she flies the coup for the evening. Its predicable. I don't think she is trying to hurt me or the boys. Its just a way of coping. Am I right?

What advice would you give me?

Thanks

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Last edited by Cadet; 04/15/16 03:36 AM.

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Lambo...what a difficult situation...

People who are victims of psychological trauma are often driven to seek out more of the same chaos because that is what they are used to and comfortable with. It sounds like your W needs a lot of individual treatment for her personal issues, above and beyond anything that is going on with your marriage. Unless/until these issues are addressed, salvaging the marriage is likely to be very difficult. If counseling has been unsuccessful to this point, would it be possible to try a different mental health professional? Perhaps a different type of therapy or combination of meds may be beneficial. Psychotic disorders are very difficult to treat, but not impossible if you can establish a type of treatment that works.

Your first priority, however, needs to be the health and safety of your boys. You may not be able to prevent your W from engaging in risky, addiction fueled behavior, but you need a plan to keep your children safe in the case of any such eventuality. Even though your goal is to save your marriage, I would consider a legal consultation to consider all your options regarding the kids.


Me: 43, Him: 40
Married: 21 years

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Lambourn

Jellyb asked me to check in on you and look to your sitch.

I am in a meeting at the moment and will reply to you in more detail as soon as I can.

Have you been in contact with narc anon or Al anon for the loved ones of addicts?

My WH is a compulsive with multiple addI cations and at this juncture I feel this 12 step help would be very useful for you.

I am thinking about you

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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How are things lamb?

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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lambo80 Offline OP
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Thanks for responding. The legal advice I have been given is to document everything. The problem is that she goes off and does it and comes home the next morning. I cannot leave her alone with the boys--as I don't trust her with the addictions and I certainly don't want her abusive boyfriend around them.

She is going back to therapy starting this week and I really believe she wants help to change. It is so hard to see her destroy herself. It is devastating to me and the boys. She feels terrible for doing this and if there is any good news, the times she sees him are getting fewer and far between.

She absolutely does not want me to leave her. But, like other addictions, an affair is an addiction too. I have even seen him driving by our house. He is so brazen that he even leaves messages on our home phone.

It's been 9 months. Does anyone have advice? I hear that traditional methods like the 180 approach do not work with a person with deep-seated trauma.

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lambo80 Offline OP
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Thank you

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Originally Posted By: lambo80
I hear that traditional methods like the 180 approach do not work with a person with deep-seated trauma.
180's are for you so they DO work.

You make changes for YOURSELF not to win her back.

This process is counter intuitive.

Trust it


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Cadet is spot on.

Absolutely spot on.

You DB for you, not to repair your R.

Incidentally I have complex PTSD rather than medicate with OM, drugs (legal or prescription) or alcohol or food or anything else.

I have chosen a route of study, prayer and management of it. There are choices that your WW can make.

Only she can make them.

Your choice is to keep your children safe and frankly this OM is one of the classiest on the board (not). Truly difficult.
--------------------------------

My XWH is a compulsive gambler, smoker, alcoholic, and womaniser. So I have a little understanding of your sitch.

You may want to visit Thornton thread to read.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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