Why is it every time H leaves my house he wants a hug? A long hug. If he is still on the fence, has talked about divorce, when he goes to leave, says, "Give me a hug." I can't decide if he thinks it will make me more amicable when he does file or just needs a hug? Will he keep asking for hugs at the attorney's office? I've detached as much as possible, but he keeps reeling me in.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Hi Roxi, do you have another thread about your situation? My H is still on the fence and this is the 6th month of it. Wondering if there are any other similarities to our situations?
Roxi, I found your first thread and it really didn't give me much to go on so that I can provide you w/some thoughts. Can you provide us w/a bit more info? The info doesn't have to be of a specific nature, but in order to assist you, we will need to know more about his behaviors and what possibly could have led up to his MLC.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My husband of 25 years moved out 8 months ago when his 1 year PA was discovered. OW went back to her husband. Past 8 months I have done NC, 180, GOL, lost 40 lbs, "let's work on a friendship" - you name it. We are very amicable at this point. We are both in separate IC. He won't work on the marriage because he says he wants to work on himself. He had a very rough childhood with a dad who was a serial cheater. He always gives me a hug when we see each other but other than that no affection. No time line for when a decision needs to be made. D21 graduates college this month and S18 graduates HS also this month. I hate my life being so up in the air, but I want to save the marriage. No Relationship talk lately because we have trouble with communication. Divorce will be costly as we have many entwined assets and he owns his own business. Money and credit cards are still in joint accounts. The waiting is the hardest part (Tom Petty). What has been everyone's else's experience on how situations like this end up?
M 25 T 29 D 21 S 18 BD 9/15
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
We have been separated 8 months- both in IC. I've done all the techniques over these 8 months- GAL, 180, no contact- now we seem to be friendly and relaxed around each other. No one has filed- but how long do I wait? We've had no Relationship or reconciliation talk, but I feel the need to see where he is with this whole deal. I feel like he could do this separation forever. Any advice?
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
H had a year long affair with a family friend- her husband found out Aug. '15 and she immediately went back with her H. He has not contact with OW since Oct. '15 when he had to see her again to "just talk for closure" and her husband caught them again in a Walmart parking lot. H says he is ambivalent about staying married or getting a divorce. We are both in IC. He says he needs to work on himself before he can work on a marriage. I got angry in April and contacted a lawyer but could not go through with paying the retainer. When I don't see him. I don't miss him, but we talk about the kids a lot, and my feelings come back. I've GOL, have lots of friends, an active social life and I sometimes feel indecisive too. He still hugs me when leaving and people say they can't believe we are on the verge on divorce because we get along so well. Son graduates from HS next week and part of me thinks he could ask for a D after that. I don't get the feeling that's where he's headed but I obviously can't read the guy- we still had sex while he was having the affair- then tells me later he hasn't been attracted to me for a while. Now he keeps me at a distance- except for the hugs. Is he playing me?
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
I have merged your two threads together. Hopefully everything merged properly. Please keep to 100 postings/replies before starting a new thread. You can locate your postings three ways: got to My Stuff and scroll down to postings; you can also do a Search of your name; or left click on your name in any posting that you have out there and locate postings.
Last edited by job; 05/13/1607:56 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
To answer your questions, you wait as long as you want to wait. You are the only one that can determine when to file, but I don't think you are ready to do so if you are asking this question. If he's in crisis, it's going to take many months, even possibly years before his crisis is resolved. If you were to ask him about the relationship and/or reconciliation, you may very well get answers you do not want to hear. It could very well push him into filing...is that what you want?
For now, be a friend, listen to what he says and sift through the conversations and you will discover things that you weren't aware of. If you can be a good listener, don't ask question...just listen, he may open up to you. They do love to talk about themselves. You started out as friends, then be a friend again. You will need to dig deep for patience because this is a marathon, not a sprint and it takes a long time for them to get through this crisis.
Keep the focus on you as much as you can. Keep your expectations at zero for the man you knew is gone and has been replaced by his mirror image. Live your life to the fullest because time has a way of slipping away and it can't be recovered at a later time. If he wakes up, he will have a lot of work to do to earn your trust again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Son graduated from HS last week. H gave me a long hug in front of his family- I could hear the gasps. Still no R talk, but he is starting to act like his old self again- before the A and the MLC drama. My therapist says to stop reading into the hugs- Advice needed please....
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Roxi, I agree w/your therapist. You can't read anything into the hugs. Your son graduating from HS was an emotional time for your h and he forgot himself and gave you a hug.
Continue to keep the focus on you and try to be just a friend to your H right now.
Hi Roxi. I know exactly how you feel. It is six and a half months for me now. Our Hs sound similar in how they are behaving right now. I think the hugs are from guilt. They think they are helping us to deal with it better. At least that's what my H thinks as he told me! He thinks that he is being amazing and making it easier for me and the kids by coming round all the time and not withdrawing his finances. I just think he's cake eating and enough is enough! As job says, this could take months or years. The thought is terrifying! Like you, I feel the constant threat of impending doom hanging over me and just want an end to the limbo now, one way or the other! Hang on in there, I know it's tough. I've no idea how you decide when the time is right to say enough is enough. Everyone around me tells I should be filing now because H will keep it like this forever.
I've cut off contact with the friends that told me to file. I'm down to a few supportive friends that know my husband very well. He's been extremely nice both in person and on the phone. Almost scary nice compared to how terrible he treated me during his affair. He does not say a word about finances, how much I am spending, etc. He's happy when we talk. My therapist calls him "floppy fish". You can't catch a floppy fish.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
A "floppy fish". Now that a first for that description, but I can see where it would apply to your h and any other MLCer who is all over the place. As long as you don't rock his boat, he's going to be nice. Also, there are times when they are nice because their either want something or they've done something such as filing or cutting you off financially. I'm not trying to scare you...but don't let your guard down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Even in the midst of the worst times, my H has always greeted me with a hug and has given me a hug (sometimes with a small kiss on the cheek or lips) before leaving. I never really questioned why. I was just grateful for that small gesture of affection and let it go. I don't think he's "playing" you.
My H was also having sex with me while with OW (before I knew about her). I think it's a case of enjoying the fruits of both worlds (cake-eating) and trying to keep us from getting suspicious.
I am by no means a vet, but these were the thoughts that went through my mind as I read your posts.
From what I read, you actually have a few positives going on. If your H is in IC, that's a big plus. It seems he recognizes that he has issues to resolve and is taking steps to address them. There are many LBSs here who would love to see their MLCer get some C to help them resolve their issues. I would look at that as a big positive and not do anything to rock that boat.
I also think it's a positive that he recognizes he has to address his internal issues before he can put effort into addressing the R with you and his M. It's actually what you want him to do. If he says he is ambivalent, you're a step ahead of those of us who's spouses have expressed they want a D, or have filed, or have actually completed the process. I would try to avoid putting pressure on him.
I know it's like being in limbo, but in your shoes, I'd leave him be and let him work things out for himself (which he appears to be trying to do). I wouldn't push for "talks" about the A or the R. I'd try to let him know in non-verbal ways that it's safe to talk to you. That you will be understanding and non-judgemental. At some point, he will come to you and want to discuss those things, but you have to wait until he is ready to do that. The IC should help him get to that point.
Like I said, I'm no expert and you're the only one who really knows your h and your sitch. Those were just a few thoughts that came to my mind.
In the meantime, while he's taking care of himself, you keep on with your GAL activities. You appear to be doing a great job at that.
{{{hugs}}}
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Thanks for the advice. I keep on keeping on. I'm actually very happy some days, and I tell myself I'll be fine no matter what happens. He said last night he knows he "needs to make a decision" and I said "I not putting pressure on you. There is no hurry." and he responded, "I know."
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Had a breakdown Saturday (later discovered it was PMS- I'm 50 dang it- when will it end?) asked H to meet me for lunch Sunday after church at the Flying Burrito. We talked about the kids- it felt very comfortable. He thought I was there to ask him for a divorce- I just wanted to touch base (pursuing, I know.) Told him I didn't want to call it quits until we had tried all avenues. He said we would talk later in the week, he was in shock since he thought the divorce talk was coming from me. He said if I did file, it would be put on the back burner since he's so busy at work. ( yeah, right.) Laughable to think you get served papers and say, "Sorry- don't have time!" He still insists he's not talked to a lawyer or done anything pertaining to divorce. We are beginning to feel like friends- but my guard is up and my heart is shielded.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Roxi, You may want to consider not "touching base" on the divorce right now. To me, it's putting pressure on him to make a decision and quite frankly, he's not ready to make one. Notice he said it would be put on the back burner. He's quite happy w/the way things are right now and the more you push, the more he's going to drag his feet in deciding what to do.
If you are going to have conversations w/your h, keep them to safe topics and/or topic of interest. Stay away from relationship talks for now. If you are beginning to feel like friends, then treat him as a friend and not pursue or put pressure on him.
Try to keep the focus on you and allow him the time to figure things out. You can't rush the process.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are right. I'm going to re- read this post when I feel like I need an answer. We dated for 4 years before we were married and I gave him an ultimatum then, so I need to work on his time frame and realize he needs the time to work on himself. We are now 9 months into this. I wish I knew what he was thinking.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
Cadet is so right about the inside of his brain being like a hurricane with stuff thrown everywhere! I've just 'enjoyed' a spewing session from my H and this is exactly how I'd describe his thoughts and ramblings! After 7 months my WAH has sat still looking as angry, still with his head in his hands because he has no idea which way to turn and still, of course, blaming everything on me.
Having said all of that thought, I know exactly how you feel when you wish you knew what your H is thinking. Or more to the point, I wish HE knew what he was thinking so he could make a decision and put an end to all this!
I feel so much better when I re-read these posts. In the words of Mick Jagger "Time is on my side." When I meditate, I get thoughts of "sit in peace" and "be still". I am still having trouble detaching. He has become very much like a turtle going into his shell for a couple of days with no contact. Maybe he's become a floppy turtle.
M 25 T 29 D 22 S 18 BD 9-11-15 H says he's ambivalent about staying in the marriage
What your h is exhibiting in the way of sticking his head out and then disappearing for a while is typical MLC behavior. Just leave him be and when he sees that you aren't pursuing him, he'll come about a bit more. No pressure!
Sit quietly, the answers will come and do dig deeper for more patience.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
