My story job 9140 (4)

[Jb9140]

Alright, so I'm reading through a lot of past threads from folks. I'm noticing a lot of separations going on 12 months, 14 months, etc..... I just made 1 week separation mark. I just can't imagine doing this for that long. Let alone why do these folks not just divorce at this length of time. besides affairs, do you folks think many people out there want to date someone whose married?


Previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...689#Post2663689

[LiM]

I noticed the same thing JB. I saw people hanging out for 2 years in limbo land. I saw people still living with their spouse when they KNEW that thee was an A going. That wasn't for me. I simply couldn't do that. After being separated for 2 1/2 months, I discovered that my W's A was still going on. I filed for D. I simply won't live like that. That resulted in the OM confessing to his W and an opportunity for my W and I to begin to heal. I wish she had decided on her own to end the A but that is not what God gave me. I will take what he has given me and do the best I can with it because I know there is something greater going on than what I am aware of.
In the end you have to decide what is right for you. You have to take care of yourself. 1 week of separation isn't long enough to decide anything. But that doesnt mean you have to stay in this place forever. You CAN fight for your M while separated. I've done it and it does work. Follow the plan. DB you a$$ off. Reevaluate a month at a time. You didnt get to this place overnight and it won't be fixed overnight. But it can be fixed.

[Jb9140]

Some days are better then others. I've been NC for 9 days, except in a few cases of text about boys. I'm having a hard time with detaching today and my head keeps spinning. I've got to focus on today. I think today I've been living in the past and dreading the future. This stuff is the most emotional pain i think Ive ever dealt with. My wife just seems to be so happy and moving along like we were never important too each other. That hurts even typing that out.

[Jb9140]

Yesterday my wife gets a letter in the mail for her to send in some paperwork before her Dr appointment. A plastic surgeon Dr!!! Now I'm back thinking maybe she is having a MLC. So, I do some more research on MLC, and it seems like a lot of the symptoms of MLC, WW, WAW all seem to overlap each other at certain places. I guess my question is this. Since my wife has moved out and has told me basically the ILBINILWY line does it really matter what she is of the three above. Isn't the remedy basically the same for all three at this point. Detach, GAL, act as if, and don't pursue. P.S. All legal matters set aside, I've already got a lawyer on retainer if it comes to that.

[Cadet]

Since my wife has moved out and has told me basically the ILBINILWY line does it really matter what she is of the three above.
Isn't the remedy basically the same for all three at this point. Detach, GAL, act as if, and don't pursue.

You got it the solution is the same for us no matter what the label.
Add in - FOCUS on OURSELVES, the one person we can CONTROL.

[Cherry]

Yep I agree, it doesn't matter too much particularly what label they come under. It's so hard I know it is. The anxiety and the pain m is hard to live with. But I guess with everything it will get easier in time.

I think sometimes it's only when I read back posts that I think, it's almost humourous the behaviour of them. It's as though the usual spouse you know and love has been abducted by aliens and replaced with this person who is absolutely all over the board.

Stay that steady lighthouse my friend

[Jb9140]

Well, I'm on day 9 of no contact. I really figured she would have texted, emailed or something by now. Especially with the kids, but I know the Physical separation just started a few weeks ago. I'm sure this is going to take awhile. I just read ROBX story and it was very inspiring and comical at points. I hope I can do as well as him with becoming the best version of me.

[Cherry]

I'm sure you will. The whole db-ing can be a long process that really takes some practice. Keep working on you and you'll get there.

Be careful with those expectations, it's hard- really hard. But focus on you.

[GWH]

Like Cadet says you have the gift of time my friend, and it takes a lot of patience, and time. You will get there brother. Hang in there.

[Jb9140]

I guess there's a reason for the numbering order of Sandi's rule. Number 37 is killing me and will probably do the most damage if I break it. I'm so tempted to call my wife and just say WTF happened to our marriage, and beg and plead for just one more try. I'm only on day 12 of no contact. she's not budging. I thought for sure she would have at least texted or emailed by now. I know it's a marathon. GAL, Detach, bla bla bla. sorry I'm in a bad place this morning and just needed to vent.

[GWH]

That's what this place is for brother. Don't expect anything. Hang in there your doing good.

[Jb9140]

Sandi

I know that you say that the LBS has to be strong and ready for all the WW trickery. I've read as much as I can that you've posted, along with a lot of success stories on this forum. When you mentioned that the LBS must be studied up, besides the things I've mentioned, do you recommend any books or material that deals directly with the WW\infidelity.

Thanks

[Jb9140]

All right. So I've been reading almost everyday for the last couple months. The last couple week I've been reading a lot of old stories of success from a few years or so back.

First, I've been selfish and taken my wife for granit the last couple years. That being said, the way she has walked away, gotten into a affair, or what ever she's done is completely unacceptable to me. Today I've finally starting to understand that I've got to man up. Regardless what transpires in the next year in regards to my wife's relationships or lack of, I'm working on me

I finally see my main problem is action. I've set on the sidelines my whole life and rolled with the punches. I finally seeing that my wife truly is a emotional terrorist. Well no longer in regards to me.

I'm fully committed to DBting the [censored] out of this situation I,m in. I'm committed to take action and journaling as much as possible.

I'm committed to becoming a divorce busting success story. Which will not be contingent on me saving my marriage

[CWOL]

How did you find the success stories? There was a post before but I found most of the links dead.
I have read through some old threads but it was rather gloomy, most ended up divorced.

[Jb9140]

Oct 14-28, 2014 | W cheating and near-separation in 2009, search for explanations for BD 2014
Oct 28-Nov 4 | OM confirmed through kids on Halloween, refocus on me rather than blaming W
Nov 4-10 | OM confirmed by W in email, strollergate, W has problems at work, unexpected blind date
Nov 10-18 | Lunch with W went well, reflections on being dumped, kids and OM
Nov 18-Dec 8 | W warms up but OM set to move in in January, W's birthday email
Dec 8-Jan 2, 2015 | To be nice or not to be, two trips make me feel better, office party video
Jan 2-16 | Turning down lunch invite, telling W I need to move on, W emails about D
Jan 16-31 | WAW wants to change job, move to her country, I agree to meet
Feb 2-25 | Plans for moving abroad are nixed, D papers are delayed at my request, flirting experiments begin
Feb 27-Mar 24 | D7 birthday plans, PMA crash, serial cheating, dating debate, detachment at last?
Mar 24-Apr 29 | Great dating debate, the expensive watch, GALing better, my tone on these forums
May 5-Jun 17 | Online dating, crying at the school play, genetics of cheating, mediation begins


My story
After 9.5 years together and two kids, my W announced in early September 2014 that she wanted a separation. A week of pleading and begging didn't change a thing. She said she wanted to be free, alone, find her true self, that I was criticizing her too much, that we're incompatible, that she was unhappy and no longer in love with me and she didn't want to live with half-emotions. She had told me before of some of those complaints and that she was miserable. We had not yet addressed everything, we would fight more than average, and I wasn't changing fast enough, so she was growing hopeless that things would improve.

A week after BD, she moved out. A month and a half later, she confirmed my suspicions that she was with a coworker, met at the new job she started a month before BD. He moved in with her in January. Our two daughters know and like him enough and generally take the S in strides.

DBing
I accept responsibility for what I did in the M, by being too critical and dismissive of my W's feelings. I understand that my W was looking for something she wasn't finding in the M. I sometimes understand why she left, since she was miserable, and sometimes think leaving was too strong a reaction for the situation. I tend to blame her flight reflex and unrealistic expectations for love and family life. My heart wants to R, but my head tells me that it's a pattern with her and that I better not expose myself to it again.

My stance at the moment is to let her live her life while I reflect and try to focus on me. In January, I told her I didn't want to interact beyond the practicalities of the kids because I need to move on. I'm good at being silent and distant so the "no pursuing" rule is easy to apply for me. After nine months and little contact, I can say that detachment is taking hold. I see a therapist since BD and I've also started dating in May (8 months after BD).
_________________________________________________

SUCCESS STORIES
I update this list every time I start a new thread. Please make suggestions, especially with links to threads. I wish we had room in our profile to tell our story so that the vets and other successes could give us a quick summary.

Reconciliation
Thornton (M) - May to July 2014
Train (W) - Reconciled in 2014
Labug (W) - March 2011 to December 2013
HopefulStill - reconciled in 2012
minkerman (M) - Reconciled after 4 months in 2008
25yearsmlc (W) - 2005 to August 2008
FaithfulH - Reconciled in 2007
sandi2 (W) - 2007
Coach (M) - 2008
MrBond (M) - Used to have another screen name
Starsky309 (M) - (ChocolateEyes, Puppy Dog Tails) - Aug 2007 to 2009. Exposed his W's A.
Butterflymom127 and FavoriteWeirdo - Thread
LITB (M) - December 2010 to May 2012
Raine (W) - Dec 2012 to November 2014 (MLC)
ReachingHigher (W) - April 2012 to May 2014
SM34 (M) - December 2012 to December 2013
AliSuddenly (W) - H left in January 2008, moved out, had OW. Piecing May 2009, married July 2010
kalni (W) - BD on November 2007, piecing in January 2010
Angel61 (W)- BD June 2010, H had EA, Retrouvailles November 2011

Piecing as of 2014-2015
(newly added) Kramer (M)
(newly added) edz (M)
Jefe (M)
T0324 (W) H leaves in Febr 2014, filed for D, had OW, piecing fails in Aug 2014, piecing again in Mar 2015
Crimson (M)
Heart14 (W) Signs 2014-02, DB 2014-07, Piecing since 2014-07
Nitty - BD in December 2013, piecing as of September 2014

Letting go
Love2Surf (M) - March 2010 to 2012
pearlharbr (W) - November 2008 to June 2010 (19 months)
Snow White (W) - 2008-2009. Let go when her H wanted back in.
Drew (M) - 2008
BigMac (M) - June 2014 to February 2015 WAW offered R at the last minute and he turned it down
Underdog (Betsey) D final in May 2005

Resources
Validation | Boundaries | Detachment | Dance of Pursuit and Distance | Acronyms | Stockdale paradox
The sandi2 collection: The Wayward Wife | It takes time | Letting back too easy
Wonka: The Starter kit / Post-BD plan of action

These are some great items to sift through. I'll be looking at these stories shortly

[CWOL]

Awesome! I started reading some of the threads and am encouraged!

[sandi2]

I am copying a post I made to another newcomer. I am short on time at the moment, so I hope you don't mind. The advice goes for you....and anyone who has a wayward spouse.

If you will listen and to take to heart what I am about to suggest, I think it could work in a couple of ways. She thinks you are going to want to reconcile and expects you to be offering to take her out and do things as a family. In other words, she plans to eat large servings of cake. I believe you should completely throw her plans for a loop.

The one thing she doesn't expect is to see you "enjoy" life without her. Every time she sees you, you are in a hurry to get somewhere for unexplained "plans". You never have time for her, anymore! Even when she calls, you don't seem too broken up or lonely. You seem as if you are very contented, living as a single guy. The kids come home talking about the great time they had with daddy and how happy he was. She wonders what is going on. So, she starts asking questions about where he's going, who with, (especially who with). She gets frustrated b/c she doesn't get a clear answer with details (especially details). She tries buttering up, pouting, crying, giving a cold shoulder, and showing her anger........but nothing works. She starts trying to find out from others what you are doing.

Now, this may sound like nothing more than games to you, but I assure you that there is one thing all WW's have in common. Actually there are many things, but my point is that they see themselves as dumping the H. They don't consider he might dump her. They never see him being the one to get over her and adjust so happily to single life. And one thing for certain, she never intended for her position to be replaced!! The one thing that usually never fails to be seen in a woman is when she realizes she is about to lose her H........she won't be ready. And the double whammy is for her to realize SHE put him on the market. It turns everything around for her. She is suddenly very interested and when she sees he isn't particularly interested in getting quickly back with her.......SHE WANTS HIM!

Here is what I want you to understand clearly. I am not telling you to date other women. I am telling you to get your calendar down and pencil in every weekend, holiday, special occasion, and the days in between. Have something planned if it's nothing more than going to the mall, library, park, or for a walk. It is key that you not share it with her. Never tell her a lie or give some fable excuse. Just don't give her the information she's trying to dig out of you.........and she will try. This is called being mysterious, like MWD says in her DR book. It piques the interest in your W. She won't tell you, so that is why I am telling.

Let her wonder what you are doing. The more she is interested in you, the less she is interested in OM. Am I telling you to be deceitful? No, you really do need to GAL, b/c it will do wonders in restoring your confidence and mental attitude. It helps with the depression and loneliness. It helps you to not spend every waking moment thinking about the situation.

[Jb9140]

I'm on day 13 of NO Contact and I'm feeling pretty good. I went to Church last night, been going to the gym, and I'm taking a trip Saturday with a friend to the gulf to do some fishing. GAL seems to be working right now. I get the kids tonight and this sunday, so I'm enjoying my time with them. I feel this physical separation was actually needed at this point in the game. Work is also going good and I've been able to save a lot of money latley. May need this extra money done the road speaking of Divorce, wife actually hasn't brought that back up since Febuary. Well back to the journey. hope everyone has a good day.

[Jb9140]

Day 14 of no Contact. Work, Gym, Fishing trip tomorrow with good friend. I'm beginning to think she may be liking this No Contact;)
Well at least I'm doing something right in her eyes. LOL

[sandi2]

I bet you could not see yourself going 14 days without contacting her, when this first started.

How is your GAL going?

[Jb9140]

No.. I definitely could not.

GAL is going pretty well. I've joined a church, GYM, and have spent time with old friends doing varying things over the last week.

Dropping the rope has been the hardest thing ever. Basically because I was so used to holding and pulling it. I'm definitely not out of the woods by any means, but I'm definitely starting to see things from the outside now.

It amazes me reading the newcomers statements and seeing a predictable pattern in these situations. The scripts from the WAW\WW is scarily predictable, if you can manage to take a moment to stop BS ing yourself because of the fear. Thanks again for all you do. I'm sure I'm going to need a 2X4 down the road, maybe even tomorrow

[Jb9140]

Some thing has been bothering me lately, so I'm just going to throw this out here. I've always thought that cheating would be a deal breaker for me. I've have not found out that my spouse is having a affair or seeing anyone since we separated the first of this month. My observation is that most folks here seem to have spouses in affairs. I'm going to assume that most folks have always considered cheating as a deal breaker. What keeps you standing after you find out your spouse is in a affair. I've got a sneaky feeling I'm going to have to cross this scenario at some point. I truly want to try to be accepting of my wife , but I,m not sure I could get past behavior. Thought

[CWOL]

I think once we are denied something, it becomes that much more attractive.
In my case, my WW claims it was just an EA, and I do believe it to be true (up until now), since the OM is an ocean away. Although it hurt me, I don't think it would be to the same degree as a PA. Also, my love after 18 years is still there, even though it is not reciprocated.

[DDJ]

I'm asking myself the same question. But i think the answer is can be found from someone that I think was most inspirational...

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.”
― Nelson Mandela, Long Walk to Freedom

“As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison.”

...brings me to tears.

[sandi2]

I think once we are denied something, it becomes that much more attractive.

Exactly the point I try to get across to you LBH'S! If the WW thinks she can't have you, then you become more attractive. Yet, how many guys are too scared to drop the rope, afraid they will lose her?

[Jb9140]

Day 15 no contact

GAL activity was heading to the gulf this morning to fish. Fish weren't biting, so I walked the beach. This activity kind of backfired on me. Families everywhere laughing and enjoying each others company. I thought about this the whole 2 hrs ride home.

Time for my 2x4. Didn't contact wife, but boy do I feel down right now.


Well I get the boys tomorrow, so I need to focus and look forward to that.

Just journaling.

[Jb9140]

Day 16 no contact. Well wife just dropped the kids off , she didn't come in, but I could sense she was a little surprised on how well I'm doing. She just had that look. We only talked for a minute, mainly kid stuff. Side not she drops them off every Sunday , this is the only time I see her. No contact for me is no texting, email, phone. I've canceled all social media FB , Instagram , etc.... This is as far as I can go with no contact. I felt really good during this little interaction. I felt confident and I don't think I came off as fake. I know Constance. I'm going to have to keep this up for a long time, actually this has got to be the new me regardless what happens with my marriage. Just journaling.

[SH_]

Just popping in to lend moral support. You sound as if you are doing well today and sticking to the plan. Well done. Enjoy your time with the kids. I know that has been huge for me in keeping me up and out of the down times.

I hope you have a great Sunday and cherish the moments with your children.

[Jb9140]

Thanks. I,m actually feeling real good. Time to go to church a new thing for me over the last couple of months. It really seems to help with the spiritual side of things; which I find very important now of days.

[SH_]

I completely agree with you on that. I have struggled throughout my life with the spirituality aspect of my life, but this time, it has become much more clear that I have always needed it. I have my moments that I want to blame God, but I am then quickly humbled and know in my heart, that I cannot lay that blame at is feet.

Enjoy your time at church and may you draw divine strength, and have peace as you pray.

[sandi2]

Well wife just dropped the kids off , she didn't come in, but I could sense she was a little surprised on how well I'm doing. She just had that look.

Yep! That's the beginning of getting her attention. Next, she'll get curious about what you are doing. The more interesting and/or mysterious, the more she will be drawn toward you.

Be prepared for her to temp check you pretty soon.

[Jb9140]

Wow. Interesting you bring that up. My 7 year old and I were talking today, I don't remember what instigated his comment, but he said that mommy asked him if I had a baby sitter or special friend at the house. Really???? I almost busted out laughing. I may go even darker. I'm trying to prepare myself for the temp check when it comes.

[sandi2]

See? I'm telling you, if she thought there was a chance she might be replace.............

I believe she needs to see that you just aren't as interested in what she does or how she feels about the MR, as you may have been when she first dumped you.

Be careful what you say in front of S7 b/c she is going to throughly pick him for information. In fact, if you have been talking to him about his mother, maybe you should put your focus elsewhere. When she asks him what does daddy say about her, he'll shrug and say you don't really talk about her.

When I tell men this, they immediately think the W will give up and believe he doesn't love her anymore, and his nature to pursue kicks up. But I'm telling you that this way will give you a much greater chance at grabbing her interest in you.........and if you play your cards right........you could bust this D! But you have to hold out and make her work to get you back. Don't take her back too quickly or easily. It is a process she has to go through.

[Jb9140]

Yes, I'm going to play this cool. I was thinking about what I say about His mother in front of him. I also don't want him saying anything to her and it not have any context. I have asked him a couple times how min is doing. So I stop that immediately. Thanks

[Si_07]

See? I'm telling you, if she thought there was a chance she might be replace.............

I believe she needs to see that you just aren't as interested in what she does or how she feels about the MR, as you may have been when she first dumped you.

Be careful what you say in front of S7 b/c she is going to throughly pick him for information. In fact, if you have been talking to him about his mother, maybe you should put your focus elsewhere. When she asks him what does daddy say about her, he'll shrug and say you don't really talk about her.

When I tell men this, they immediately think the W will give up and believe he doesn't love her anymore, and his nature to pursue kicks up. But I'm telling you that this way will give you a much greater chance at grabbing her interest in you.........and if you play your cards right........you could bust this D! But you have to hold out and make her work to get you back. Don't take her back too quickly or easily. It is a process she has to go through.

Sorry to bump into your thread Job, but I also have some difficulty with S7's questions. Sandi, do you feel that W's pump the kids for information, I don't ask them anything about her or what she does, says etc but S regularly asks me if I want us all to be back together. If I am happy with the kids being bounced around 2 different places.

I did show a friend that I was talking with a 28 year old and showed him a picture, and that I have met some good looking ladies at the gym. I just told him that they are more pleasant to talk to than W. Him and his wife have contact with my W more than I have with them.

[Jb9140]

See? I'm telling you, if she thought there was a chance she might be replace.............

I believe she needs to see that you just aren't as interested in what she does or how she feels about the MR, as you may have been when she first dumped you.

Be careful what you say in front of S7 b/c she is going to throughly pick him for information. In fact, if you have been talking to him about his mother, maybe you should put your focus elsewhere. When she asks him what does daddy say about her, he'll shrug and say you don't really talk about her.

When I tell men this, they immediately think the W will give up and believe he doesn't love her anymore, and his nature to pursue kicks up. But I'm telling you that this way will give you a much greater chance at grabbing her interest in you.........and if you play your cards right........you could bust this D! But you have to hold out and make her work to get you back. Don't take her back too quickly or easily. It is a process she has to go through.

Sorry to bump into your thread Job, but I also have some difficulty with S7's questions. Sandi, do you feel that W's pump the kids for information, I don't ask them anything about her or what she does, says etc but S regularly asks me if I want us all to be back together. If I am happy with the kids being bounced around 2 different places.

I did show a friend that I was talking with a 28 year old and showed him a picture, and that I have met some good looking ladies at the gym. I just told him that they are more pleasant to talk to than W. Him and his wife have contact with my W more than I have with them.

I think it goes back to the mysterious idea. Make her wonder why you don't seem interested anymore.


Day 17 no contact

Well the wife emailed me twice this morning. once was a calendar invite for the kids Wellness checks On Sept 27. Seems a little bit out there of a date to be sending this too me now, but never the less I just accepted it and nothing else.

Then she emailed me to let me know she signed up the boys for after school next fall. didn't feel a response back was necessary. I'm starting to realize for the first time that my wife is very controlling. I guess i never picked up on this because she's very passive aggressive.

Oh well, time to get to the gym and then I have a IC appointment.

[sandi2]

Sorry to bump into your thread Job, but I also have some difficulty with S7's questions. Sandi, do you feel that W's pump the kids for information,

Yes, and especially WW's.

[Jb9140]

Day 18 NC

Went to gym this morning and now am at work. It's funny how the thoughts creep back in when going No Contact. " What if she thinks I'm being a jerk, What if she thinks I don't care, Etc......." , but then I remember what she said. " I wish you would leave me alone, so I can be happy!!" and this is what I'm doing, exactly what she asked for, leaving her alone. This is definately going to be a "fake it til you make it day".

[Thornton]

How about thinking "I'm respecting her wish to be alone right now"?

NC does get easier. Ive been NC for 3 months and now she wants to meet for coffee. Stay the course.

[Jb9140]

Does anyone care to share examples of realistic goals they set during physical separation? I'm having a problem with the fact that i keep basing my goals off something my controls, or is out of my control.

[Jb9140]

Day 19 - NC

I miss my Family - last couple of days have been hard to detach, I'm not sure whats triggered this. Maybe it because I've been reading so much on this forum, and just need a break from it. I really wish there was a fast forward button, like the one in the movie "Remote Control".

I don't get the kids back til Thursday. Plan on going to church tonight for some spiritual comfort.

Thinking about asking a couple girls I know if they want to head to the beach this weekend. We are good friends, but for some reason I feel guilty being around just girls.

I hear people saying to move forward, but not necessarily on.
but i feel like my life is on hold still. Man it's barely a month since separation, how are some of you still hanging in there at a year or 2?

Well I guess I'm just rambling now. til next time

[sandi2]

"What if she thinks I'm being a jerk, What if she thinks I don't care, Etc......." ,

That s a trap you set for yourself. What doesn't work, is for you to worry that she will think you don't care, b/c that type of thinking prevents you from acting like the strong, independent man that you need to be right now.......and she needs to see.

What does works with a WW, is for her to be concerned that you don't care. I have found that most H's think completely opposite of the WW mindset.

[Jb9140]

Day 20 NC

Sandi - Thanks for being gentle w\ the 2x4!!!

[e04355]

hang in there man. i've been doing the separation thing for well over a year. it's not easy, but it does get better. i know where you are at. i've been there. Take a deep breath, and relax. sometimes you just need to get all of this out of your head for a few hours or a few days.

i would be careful about hanging out with female friends..... that's just me though.

just be yourself, find yourself. and the rest will start falling into place.

[reb2817]

I am 6 months in with no contact with my husband. Picks up my daughter does not even make eye contact.

[Jb9140]

Day 24 NC (phone, text, email, social media, Sunday drop off is unavoidable)


I'm not feeling it today. Wife dropped off kids this morning. Very quite, cold like before. Last interaction was a little more pleasant. I jay don't understand this person, and probably good I don't. I don't want to be up in her head. I I seriously can't see this turning around. I know detach.

[sandi2]

The WW operates from her emotions. If she's having a great day and getting her emotional needs filled (especially her ego food)then she's going to act excited, bubbly, nice, etc. However, if things are not going like she expected, then her mood probably won't be too pleasant. It doesn't mean it's about you. Remember, all her focus is on herself and what she wants in the moment.

You are doing great. Keep it up.

[Jb9140]

The WW operates from her emotions. If she's having a great day and getting her emotional needs filled (especially her ego food)then she's going to act excited, bubbly, nice, etc. However, if things are not going like she expected, then her mood probably won't be too pleasant. It doesn't mean it's about you. Remember, all her focus is on herself and what she wants in the moment.

You are doing great. Keep it up.

As always, thanks for the encourage. I don't plan on doing anything for my wife, but in case I forget. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY😊

[Jb9140]

Day 25 NC (phone, text, email, social media, Sunday drop off is unavoidable)

Really struggling lately. Sometimes I just wish I had concrete proof that my wife was seeing someone. I Know it doesn't completely matter because my wife has shown all the characteristics of a WW. to a tee.

I've also got two woman that are trying to get together with me and I know that definitely is not the solution, but I'm not going to lie, I truly miss someone showing affection. even just a hug or kiss.

I know there's know magic bullet, but i sure wish there was.
Oh well, back to work, just wanted to vent.

[Jb9140]

Day 26 NC (phone, text, email, social media, Sunday drop off is unavoidable)

I'm really struggling with the Mother Day thing. My wife has the kids on Friday and Saturday, I've got them Sunday.

Should I ask my wife if she would like to swap Saturday and Sunday this weekend, so she can spend the day with our boys on Mother's Day.

If she asked I don't think I would mind. But something tells me I should offer her this.

Swing away with the 2x4's

[Jb9140]

Bumb^^^^^

[otw]

Gift from kids. Nothing else. Do not ask if she wants to switch. Unfortunately her thinking and yours may not be on the same page.

[Jb9140]

Is it normal for your head to spin more when you have the kids?

[otw]

Lol. It is the worst time for me!

[Jb9140]

Day 27 NC (phone, text, email, social media, Sunday drop off is unavoidable)

well today was going pretty good until about a hour ago.
Went to gym, have had a decent day at work, and then boom.

My dumb ass co-worker says, "man have you seen ex?"
now let me preface this by saying that almost 3 months ago I shut down all Social media that i had accounts to. Sure enough my co-worker is on Facebook and has my wife's profile up, he say, "She looks like [censored]!!", and to be honest she does lost weight, dark circle under eyes, etc... so sure enough I start looking at the feeds on her profile, and the mind reading begins.

Nothing big exposed, but never the less its got me spinning. I really think Facebook hasn't gotten out of hand. also made sure to let co-worker know that I'm really not interested to hear anything in regards to my wife.

[pinn]

that brings back memories. At the start of this thing people would do similar things. I politely told them I was not interested in what she was doing so please do not tell me. You can talk to her or keep her following her on social media, just keep me in the dark. No one mentions anything about her to me anymore.

[Jb9140]

Yeah that's why I had to shut it all down. I was absolutely obsessing over it. it really didn't help my cause one bit.

[sandi2]

I really think Facebook hasn't gotten out of hand. also made sure to let co-worker know that I'm really not interested to hear anything in regards to my wife.

Good for you, letting the co-worker know you didn't care to hear about it.

[Jb9140]

Day 28 NC (phone, text, email, social media, Sunday drop off is unavoidable)


I cannot detach today. I'm having the worst day, so far since my wife left 1 month ago.

It's taking everything in me to not email her and beg and plead for us to work on our marriage. I have know idea what has triggered this emotion.

I haven't cried like this in months. I in complete fear that this is never going to turn around. I know that the fear is my true enemy, but i just can't seem to harness it today, for good use.

I'm sure this is part of the process, but damn I didn't think This type of pain would come back.

I would like to know if any veteran out there could explain to me how to come out of this going dark process with out looking like I'm pursuing.

[otw]

why is the first question

[Jb9140]

I guess because I'm afraid she's going to think I've given up on our MR.

[mvgfwd2]

Your GAL activities are for helping you get through this. What are you doing for GAL'ing?

[Jb9140]

Not enough obviously. Thanks for the 2x4.

[sandi2]

I would like to know if any veteran out there could explain to me how to come out of this going dark process with out looking like I'm pursuing.

.

I'm not sure what you are really asking. You want to stop being dark, and not appear to pursue? Well, I don't view going dark like some others see it. I don't believe in switching around like a darn dimmer light.........going brighter, then dim, etc. Going dark is like falling off the planet, which is almost impossible when you are co-parenting. So, for right now, can we not use the term of of "dark"?

Can you follow a rule of thumb to not initiate contact?

I guess because I'm afraid she's going to think I've given up on our MR

What would that picture look like, if she thought you had given up on the M? What do you see her doing?

[Jb9140]

Sandi, Thanks for the reply. Not initiate contact. Plain and simple, I like that. Think the dimmer switch analogy can be a little troublesome myself. Feel like I'm always trying to mind read the situation; which definitely is not letting go.

What would that picture look like, if she thought you had given up on the M? What do you see her doing?

This is a good questions, I really need to think about this. Thanks for challenging me.

[Jb9140]

Day 28 NC (phone, text, email, social media, Sunday drop off is unavoidable)

Sandi, Thanks for the reply. Not initiate contact. Plain and simple, I like that. Think the dimmer switch analogy can be a little troublesome myself. Feel like I'm always trying to mind read the situation; which definitely is not letting go.

What would that picture look like, if she thought you had given up on the M? What do you see her doing?

This is a good questions, I really need to think about this. Thanks for challenging me.

Happy Mother's Day to all the ladies on this board. I hope your day is filled with joy

Wife seemed pleasat this morning when she dropped the kids off. I gave her a card from the kids because I feel it's the respectable thing to do. No card or gift from me. She told me her parents had bought a place about four hours from us and she wanted to take the kids down to visit them this Friday and Saturday bring them back Sunday. I said that would not be a problem. I wanted so bad to ask if it was just the three of them, but i didn't. We have a parent teacher this Thursday, so I'll try to look my best as usual and not ask any questions that would be pursing. I really thought this would be getting a lot easier by now. Ummm

[Jb9140]

Actually day 31

Still trying to think of a good answer to the bolted question above

[sandi2]

You are thinking like a husband who is afraid of losing his WW.

Based on several reports of LBHS who would finally "give up", discovered that's when his W would become interested and even pursue him. Why do you think that is?

[daybyday]

Hey Jb. I took a break from the boards for awhile. Going on 2 months of S. I was great at DBing the first month. Then, I initiated R talk. When it first started I sensed WW was a little worried that maybe I HAD started to move on. But, as soon as she sensed me pining for her and asking for timelines and such, she knew she still had me and her mindset changed to indifference or more like someone who had control over me again.

I am on day 4 of start over. Sandi's spot on I think. I got impatient and am back to square one. We need to feel like we can move on before they will even take notice.

So, don't shoot yourself in the foot like I did. Plus, it helps us keep our sanity.

[Jb9140]

Oh she's spot into ton, almost scary sometimes how spot on. I know my biggest problem is fear and lack of patience. I want this to be fixed now. I've been sober for 18 years. I got a suggestion from a trusted friend the other day that I might need to do the 12 steps on my wife. I'm going to start working on this tomorrow. I believe the 12 steps can be applicable with almost any situation you find yourself powerless over.

[Jb9140]

Contact has been broken

Wife texted me to to tell me she was taking our boys this weekend to see her parents 4 hrs away. she has them Friday and Saturday and asked if it would be all right to bring them back late Sunday; which is my day.I said no problem.

Then she said she was going to see her brother next weekend 2 states away, and asked if I would watch them. I said sure.

I can't tell you how much I wanted ask questions about the trip to her brother's. I know I'm moving forward, don't ask any questions about where she's going.

[sandi2]

Contact has been broken

Just to be clear, I do not see it as the LBH breaking contact (so to speak) when his WW initiates the text, call, email, or whatever.

Great job at not asking questions!!

[Jb9140]

WOW - Never thought I'd be here........ By Crimson
Sandi- Do you know if 25yearsmlc is still around? they've got some pretty solid advice on things. very good reading material.

[Jb9140]

Somehwere amidst the hurt feelings, the fear, the anger - I hope that a small spark of that love for me still resides. It is the hope, the blind faith of that tiny flame still existing that keeps me going.

[sandi2]

I don't think she has been on the board very much since Feb. She's a very busy lady. Yes, she gives very encouraging advice. She had a WAH (for two yrs, I think).

[Jb9140]

That's too bad. She definitely can swing some 2x4's with the best of them. I think hers might even have nails in them. We truly are lucky to have the wisdom of ladies like you and her.... It's absolutely amazing the more I realize this stuff is way more then about saving my marriage.

[Jb9140]

Today was parent teacher conference day for our son whose going from Pre-k to Kindergarten. Got there 15 minutes early and wife was there. I decided to try something different and initiated convo. Asked her how she liked her new place and if the Kids seemed to be adapting. she opened up and told me our 7 year old was acting up and yelling at her and screaming. I tried to validate her feelings, and told her i would have a talk with him when I get him today.

I asked how her family was doing, since shes taking the kids down this weekend to see their new place. she updated me on their new place and gave me a lot of information on her father who is suffering Alzheimers.

when we got into the meeting it ended up being a committee of about 8 women including my wife. I told them, " I had just had a meeting this week with the CIO of a billion dollar credit union, and that I felt hundred more times intimidated at this parent conference meeting with you ladies!" They all laughed including my wife, I think she always liked my sense of Humor.

When we left, I reminded her again that i would talk to our 7 year old, and that I hoped she and the kids had a safe trip this weekend.

I hope I didn't come across as needy, but I don't believe I did. No R talk and didn't ask her what she's been doing since she left.

P.S I was clean shaven, wearing cologne, And smiling the whole time.

[Jb9140]

I feel like I backslid today. I say this because I was starting to feel detached,and now I'm feeling a lot of sadness tonight. I do t have many opportunities to show my wife that I'm becoming a better version of me. God I hate this roller coaster. Sometimes I just wish she would go ahead and file, so that I could truly move on. I guess I'm just. Having a bad day.

[Jb9140]

Any input on my latest interaction with wife would be appreciated.

[otw]

The feelings will come rushing back when you least expect.

I woke up today fine. Hugged my kids at school and my heart sunk. About everything. Missing kids , w, what once was.

All I hope is that this one passes quick.

[DDJ]

Ideally you should not initiate contact, I stupidly did it once today - all other contacts from her. They want the space, let them have.

The goal should be focusing on you, if you focus on her then you're not achieving your goal.

[Jb9140]

Actually funny you responded first. I think subconsciously the stuff you encountered a couple days ago triggered me to try to open up a little at the teacher's conference with my wife. THANKS... LOL... you were spot on when you said it's a lot easier to judge this stuff from the outside.

[otw]

I actually think you were fine with the interaction. You have to show something. You weren't pursuing.

[DDJ]

I love how we're able to learn from others. It is about experimenting and seeing the results. Nothing wrong with making a mistake as long as you learn from it.

[Jb9140]

Thanks, I didn't feel like I was pursuing. her wall just seems to be so high up. At this point I'm just hoping she will start lowering it a little bit. I'm a where that this is a long process.

[Jb9140]

Been busy this morning. Cleaned house, cut grass, and just started laundry. Going to the gym in a hour. Went to the beach yesterday and had a good time. Watched a guy catch a 30 lbs king fish off a pier. Unfortunately some porpoises saw him to, and he ended up just reeling in the head of the fish. It was entertaining none the less. Wife has been gone since Friday with kids down to visit her parents. As usual she hasn't reached out even to let me know the made the trip safely. It amazing how selfish and self absorbed she can be. Oh well back to dbing.

[Jb9140]

Wife finally texted around 3:30 yesterday to let me know she'd be back in town with kids around 5:00 - 5:30 . She dropped them off at 5:30 and seemed like she was in a big rush to leave, so I didn't try to keep her around in conversation.

When she arrived the yard was done, I had just been out to get my hair cut, and had on nice clothes and Cologne. Today I felt like I was faking my appearance, because I've really felt down the last couple of days,. hopefully she didn't notice this. Fake til you make it right?

[Jb9140]

Sandi - I've got a question

Last night night I started watching NetFlix which I hadn't logged into for quite awhile. Netflix has profiles, and my wife has one. So I looked at her profile; which i guess borderlines snooping. What I noticed is that she watches Netflix pretty much every night for hours, and she basically is watching purely Hateship\loveship category which equates to sad romance movies. Like I've said in the past I have know evidence of my wife being in a PA. I know it's a possibility.

I understand that waywardness is a mindset, I'm just having a hard time getting my head around this addiction part if it is a imaginary affair

Sandi - I cant remember, but did you ever meet anyone in person that you were having online conversations with?

[vise82]

Hey JB

Good job on working on your appearance, At first it seem like a lot of work but it will get easier.

Keep it up, this is the new you.

You care about yourself and it is reelected in how you present yourself with your clothes and keeping up with hair cuts.

[Jb9140]

Sandi - I actually went ahead and re-read your story and post from Amy early on in your situation. I think I may have answered my on question re-reading some of your stuff. Thanks again for how much your contribute to this forum. You truly are a inspiration.

[Jb9140]

Bump^^^^^^

[otw]

JB
Whats going on?

Are you looking for a response regarding your W Netflix viewings? Or where her head is currently?

[Jb9140]

I understand what you are saying. Many times we say things out of a deep pain and fear that we regret later. Sometimes we say things, thinking we will bluff the other person, and it comes back to bite us. Most of us have probably been guilty of doing those type actions, to some degree.

I hope you will take what I am about to suggest in the right way b/c I don't know if this is an ongoing problem. If you have a tendency to say mean things when you get into a situation with your W, I recommend you talk to your IC and seek a way in learning how to "fight fairly", without going for a vital organ with your sharp words. I was once told that I could shed a person like a head of cabbage and never use a ugly word. So.....I get where you are coming from.

I may not be able to tell you what to do to get your W back, but I can probably tell you a lot of things that don't work. You have already figured out what you were doing was accomplishing nothing but putting you in an early grave.

This is not going to be something you want to hear, so brace yourself. In all honesty, I do not see her changing her mind right away. I think she has been planning this for some time. That's not to say she will never change her mind! The pattern most women make is to get out on their own (or at least away from the H), have time to experience some freedom, experience or see what they have lost......and miss what they've lost. That usually takes time. The more anyone pressures her to stay with you, the more she is going to resist it. You have to turn lose and let her learn for herself.

I realize this may be taking away your breath and you are hearing "throw in the towel", however, that is not what I'm saying, okay? You need to utilize this time of separation by doing several things. Get a grip on that fear of yours. I think you may benefit reading a book called, Co-dependent No More. Also, if you have not read No More Mr. Nice Guy, you can download it free on the Internet. Hold on to Your N.U.T.S. is another recommendation. These are not relation-type books, but they are for the individual man who may not realize how he is hurting himself, due to being too nice......co-dependent, or whatever.

Don't just read to be reading, but digest it as if your life depended on you learning how to change into a better, stronger, more attractive type of male. Then go to work on what you learn. Not just changing the outside, but mainly making improvements in your mindset. Getting a life is something most newcomers seem to want to neglect, but the survivors here on the board will tell you that getting a personal life that does not involve your spouse is vital to improving yourself as a person, in detaching, becoming more interesting, more well-rounded, build confidence and healthier self-esteem, and overall just a happier outlook. That can be a real challenge for a person in the kind of pain of you are experiencing. Every LBS on the board can identify with your pain, and they started GAL by making themselves do it, whether they wanted to or not.

Not the kind of advice you were wanting, huh? I know, and I wish I had the magic formula, and I am giving you as close to any magic as you will get in these type of situations. Back away from her and do not try to date her, phone her, find excuses to see her. The more you pursue, the faster she'll go in the opposite direction. Yes, she's angry......all WW's are angry. That is another reason you need to keep your distance, and let give her lots of time to cool off. I am talking a lot of time! You can still have your kids over, but you don't need to be going over there. Make sense?

Appearing happier, more relaxed and in control can go a long with a woman's feelings. As long as she sees you angry, uptight, afraid, threatening, crying, depressed, etc...........the more she will want to escape. However, if you are pleasant, not asking a lot of questions, or making any emotional demand on her......she may begin to relax, also.

Don't let her take advantage of you, b/c that works against her respecting you. One of the main things you will need to accomplish in order to have a successful MR, is to have her respect. A woman has to respect her H as a man, before she can feel love for him as her H. So, don't try to nice her back, or become a doormat.....thinking you ate making up for what you've done or said to her. Get your focus on the "respect" and don't worry about showing her how much you love her. This is not really about showing how much you love her. I know she gave you some excuses for her wanting out, but all women do it. They feel they owe the H some mind of excuse.......even if they have to make it up! It seldom has anything to do with the real issue at hand, however. So again, don't get too out of balance over what she said.

Even if she doesn't see that much out of you, she will hear about you. She'll know you are not sitting home pinning away for her, and that you ate going out and GAL. You see, most of the time, it's just the opposite of what men think, that really catches the interest of his woman. Men and women do not think alike. So, get you a calendar and start filling in the days with various things to do. Make the most of this time you have. When you have the kids, give them fun memories to keep with them. You can do it. Sure, you don't feel like it at the moment, but you have to make yourself do these things, if you want a chance at a better future, and hopefully, your W wanting to come back to you. After a little while, I hope you'll see how this is not just about getting her back again, but to make yourself happier.

I will come back with more, but I will end this post for tonight. Don't give up. These things take a lot of time.

Sandi - Ive been reading back over your story and my own up til this point

The quote is from my first thread starting in Febuary.

I guess I'm trying to gleam some information from your husbands point of view during your WW time. Obviously he we be best telling his side, but I don't see from your story him seeming like the typical LBS. Just curious if he did a lot of begging and pleading. any typical things LBS do in the beginning which are against the 37 rules per say. If not, do you think his reactions sped up your recovery?

[Jb9140]

JB
Whats going on?

Are you looking for a response regarding your W Netflix viewings? Or where her head is currently?

I don't know man. It's only been 1 and 1\2 months since physical separation, but it feels like a life time. I just want to see some progress, and think I'm just trying to watch the grass grow per say (Which is impossible) and driving myself crazy, if you get what I mean by that. There's been absolutely no contact except in regards to the kids, and that's been very limited. I've got the kids the next 4 days, and she is going to see her brother 4 states away. My head is spinning on that to be honest. I want to ask if someone is going with her, but at this point it actually is none of my business.

[otw]

I understand. You are just looking for a miracle answer. Spent many days there.

I promise the pain eases some. Not going to lie. You are early and can expect more. I still have it.

Try to get busy with fun things. Not just gym or whatever. You need to smile. Watch or listen to stand up comedians. A lot.

[TabD]

Jb9140,
There are others of us out here that are going thru the same thing. Its very hard to take all of this in and only been 1 1/2 months, which probably feels like a million years. Stay strong and keep working on PMA's. It tough, trust in higher power and lean on your support system.

[DDJ]

Jb, it feels like an eternity because you have her in your head. If you are alone, be alone. You will leave this earth alone. First be alone and happy before you can be happy with someone else.

If you went to a speed dating event, would you get any numbers in your current state? Build that self-confidence. It's called self-confidence and not wayward-wife-confidence.

[Jb9140]

Thanks. I guess I'm actually pissed also because I found out from a friend That her Instagram account which has always been called evalkristiedoll misspelled on purpose is now called give up on the dream (insert my wife's name). I'm sure so people will ask her whats wrong, and she can spin her story about how bad a person I am bla bla bla..... she loves getting attention.

[DDJ]

let them have the attention. Mine loves instagram too. The world must see them for the facade, and nothing we can do about it. Let them have it.

[Jb9140]

So I got a email today for how much summer school for the boys is going to be. It a lot. We splits kids expenses 50\50.

Today my 7 year old said mommy doesn't have a lot of food like you. I told him she probably does she just has a smaller pantry. He then said no, she said she doesn't have a lot of money.

Why is she telling our 7 year old theses things, and more importantly why do I have a strong urge to call her and ask if she needs some help financially.

I'm beginning to truly see I am a mr nice guy and want to fix everything


I want off this roller coaster.

[Jb9140]

Wow. I've got to detach. I've let my wife get up in my head big time the last couple of weeks. I was really was doing good with the no contact. but I decided to change it up at the teacher conference we had to both attend and bang I let myself get attached again. lesson learned

[Jb9140]

I swear to GOD I'm my worst enemy. I just can't sit by idle and watch things happen. If I see a potential problem, I've got to fix it. I'm a Mr. nice guy and I'm sure she knows it.

Wife text me to let me know that she's not going out of town this weekend like planned, and wanted to know if I still wanted to keep the boy's this weekend. I said of course I do, if she wanted to see them Sunday let me know. She said I will let you know. should of ended right there, but knowwww!!!!

Earlier this week my 7 year old told me I had more food then Mommy at my house. He also said mommy told him she didn't have any money, when he asked for something at the store.

So knowing this information, whether she told him this intentionally or not. I go ahead and send a new text a couple minutes later, Basically telling her not to hesitate asking me for financial help. Since I know it's hard living by yourself with 2 kids on a single income.

She replies, "ok"

I just lost any leverage I may have had on her having to face the realities of separation with no support.

But damn, it's my wife. I understand the rules of a WAW\WW, buts it's so damn hard not being somewhat empathetic.

I swear to GOD sometimes I feel like it would just be easier being alone or finding someone else and just starting over.

Feeling frustrated.

[CWOL]

She can ask but you don't have to give

[job]

Please start a new thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2679359#Post2679359