I keep it as a journal so it will at least help someone else someday.
Yesterday XH'S text was about picking up our S16 from school. I did not reply.
Today I got an email with his schedule for September and it says that on 9/2, 9/3 and 9/4 he will be cooking dinner at the house, if it is OK with me.
I do not have a problem with that. I can always go to my room or go out with a friend or for a walk. Besides I hate cooking and this way I can have a break.
But by other hand, I just can't grasp what goes in his mind. Now he is inviting himself over to cook dinner.
I texted him not too long ago reminding him that we will have our pastor and his wife tomorrow evening. Maybe he already forgot about it and will think twice about the whole dinner deal.
I am really thinking that Michelle needs to write a book just for MLC, because it is not just a hell zone, it is a lot more then that.
Well, that is all for now. I will keep updating as we go. I am actually feeling good today. Had my performance review and everything with outstanding w/comments of how great is my work and what a nice person to work with I am. Besides got a little raise too, not much, but it is a raise.
Tell you, if at least I could to just empty my heart about my XH, I would be in a very good place right now. I am still trying to figure it out what is wrong with me that can't just let go on this stuff.
Hey Pinkie! Sorry not posted for a bit, but have been reading along. I thought the observations about the cycle with you and XH were useful. Don't beat yourself up about not managing to empty your heart. It does take time and the main thing is to be on a healing path. I think if you are not able to interact with detachment, then a little more distance is good. If you are more detached, you can tolerate a little more closeness.
From all that you post, I imagine he will continue to do what he does for a while yet....so it's what you do that really matters.
Great news on the rave reviews at work....and the pay rise - go Pink!! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Pink if Michele writes that book I'll buy copies for all my friends and family so that they can maybe benefit from it. I don't think it would do my H any good though, in their world it's all good
Glad your appraisal went well, you must be pleased with yourself
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Congratulations on the reviews. If your xh is coming over to cook, be sure to put any and all documents, etc., away about this forum and anything else that you do not want him to see.
As for forgetting that you are having guests over, I wouldn't remind him. He's a big boy.
Continue moving forward. You are right where you need to be at this time.
Have a great weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pink keeping distance is really hard but I think the alternative is even harder. I'm on my third week of going dark on my H and in a way it's killing me, but in the other hand I have made huge progress in my development. Anything I want to say to him I write it down, and hopefully one day I will get the chance to share some of it with him.
I would hate to think my H is on this forum, it would feel like he reading my diary or violating my personal space.
You are strong, keep it up xxx
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Have been wishing to have some time to get to the board. If you forgot about me, I don't blame you, I keep disappearing and when I came back it is in a very selfish way. So ugly, but I really don't have much time these days.
Everything is good with life. My boys are moving along. S22 is getting better every day now that he is not taking those bipolar medications. Still struggling sometimes to accept that he was misdiagnosed and lost time in his life. Oh well, he will learn.
S19 is always complaining that College is a waste of time. That sometimes the kids know better then the teachers. I just keep talking to him and reminding him that he is just a freshman, things will change eventually. He joined the soccer team and have lots of fun with it.
S16 is just moving with the flow in HS - getting ready to test for his driving permit (at last it is here). He has been more uplifting lately. In good spirits.
I am doing OK most of the time. I look pretty different now. And friends and family are saying that the divorce was really good for me.
Now, it is for real. I was dragging my feet on the job hunt stuff, but it is here. Lots of stuff changing at work and I will end up doing a lot more for the same money. NOPE, thanks but no thanks. I am a single mom and I need to be compensated for the long hours at the office. So, I am job hunting.
Working a lot on my faith and found out that I didn't know much about the God I pray for. I am very happy I got the opportunity to learn about this intimate relationship I can have w/my God and I am in love with him. The more I learn, the more I want to learn.
There are so much more layers on faith that I had no idea it even existed. I tough I knew it all, that I was doing all the right things. But now, I can see that I had no idea about my religion, my God and my faith. Happy I am having this in my life.
Now, the most important... THE EX HUBBY!!!
As you all said, it could be that XH talked about going out as friends, developing friendship and then nothing for a long time. Well, you were all right. After that day I heard nothing more about going on a date. We talked again for many hours and that was just him saying that I gave up on him before he gave up on our marriage, that I didn't love him anymore and he did me a favor, that he is broken and have nothing to offer to me or to anyone else as a matter of fact.
I did not say much, I just told him that it is all fine with me, and that I am moving on, that I need to live my life as it is and stop crying for the milk spilled.
We sat outside, looking at the full moon, not talking much. I put my hand on his back and he said that for a long time I don't give him a massage, then I gave him one. When I finished, I sat beside him and he held my hand very tight and said. Oh Pink, what we are going to do!!! I said... Nothing, let it just be.
Basically, things are kind of the same. His stuff is in my garage, even tough I asked him to take them away again. We see each other very often.
I just notice now that he is being more nose on my life. That he is doing extra stuff for the kids. It is like he is extra nice all the time. I know he has been changing, but I don't know how much.
This month he put on the schedule that he would cook something at the house, I did not complained about it, it is fine with me.
But what I am trying to say is that it is hard to read what he does. XH has been very polite since the beginning of all this. So, I am not sure if he wants to be close to me because of his nice behavior, because guilty, or because he is having second toughs about us, or is just simply because the kids.
He is always full of attention with me and has been more lately. Whatever I ask, he try his best to do.
But sometimes he says something that makes me think he is just trying to keep a good neighbor. Like, we are talking and I say that I need to have all my emotions in place and I tough it would be easier. Then he said that he is in a better place because he was ahead of me in the whole divorce stuff.
Or like last sunday, one of the ladies from the church asked me something and said - Ask for your husband to give it to you Pink. And then he said, EX, Ex husband.
I also did a bad thing. I SNOOP, again. Yes I did and yes I kind of regret it. XH left a bunch of bags in my garage and left to have dinner with the boys. I checked and found his computer bag sitting right there. I opened it and read some notes. XH always write about his feelings.
Found some notes about the OW. How he would like to say good weekend, why did this happen, that he will wait until his patience runs off, that he would like to make love day and night and blah, blah, blah.
The last thing he wrote was dated Oct/Nov 2015 then nothing more about her. The other stuff was only about himself and his faith. That he is holding on to his self by his values and faith, that all what he wants is that God will work on him and will make him a better person. That he will always be there for his family and friends.
In his notes about her there is no name, no place, nothing. There is no I love you, I miss you. There is just a cry out that she did not decide to be with him. But that does not change that he fell for her. That he loved her.
I don't know exactly what goes in his heart or his mind. There was a time that I asked for his help with some of the boys stuff and he said that he is already doing everything that we agreed in our divorce. Then I said that this is a very comfortable single life, with no responsibilities, that it is nice to see that he is happy now.
He said that I have no idea of what he feels, that I think he is very happy and it is all the contrary, that he has nothing and no one, that he sleeps alone every day, that he knows the mistakes he made. That he realized that he was stupid and did not know what he was losing until he really lost. That he regrets all what he did because it was a big mistake.
I try to read something similar, but I always find people that are gone for awhile, or people that are angry for awhile, but my XH is not like that. He has so much attention with me, he is so lovely many times, he says he loves me almost every time we talk, that he didn't stop loving me and couldn't take me from his heart to this day.
But yet... he is not back, he does not want me in his life. He pretty much seems like he accepts he made a mistake and that this is it, we are done forever.
The last two times I saw him, I was very quite, distant and did not talk to him besides say Hi, and short answers. He was skeptical, I notice that he was full of questions of why I was like that. Well, I know. I felt bad reading those words about the OW even tough I know it was written last year.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I need to put distance between us, but then I feel we can develop some friendship and get closer again.
There is a tiny bit of hope in my heart, but there is so much fear for enabling myself to just have empty hopes. It's complicated to put distance between us because he shows up, we go to the same church, we have same friends. But it is also difficult to be friends because I end up betraying myself and having a lot more hope then I should.
I feel more detached from outside. I say outside because sometimes I act as if, and I got pretty good about it. I is like he didn't exist sometimes.
I know I am not ready for another R right now. But in the same time I feel I want some attention, I want company, I want someone to share some things in life.
I started reading something between jack beans and a nice lady from Germany, I do not recall her name now. It helps, but her H was a complete J@@@K. Will keep reading to see if there is anything familiar to grab my eyes on it.
Why?? Because it makes me feel better, not alone, standing for a M that doesn't even exists anymore. By the way, I am still married to him in my country, what by the way is legally accepted in the US. What a mess.
XH called my mom in her birthday, said he called his mother in law. I just can't believe it is happening in my life.
If you have questions that would make think, if you see in my words what I can't see, if you know better then me, if you have advices, if you think about anything, please let me know.
I keep going because my heart did not forget XH, I still love him and even more now that he really goes a mile to treat me well. He probably thinks the same, why now I actually treats him with love and respect.
We make so many mistakes thinking that we are doing the right things. So unfair... but reality. And now the consequences of my behavior.
Whatever you throw at me, will be welcome.
If nothing, then I will just post it here, someone will use it someday.
Well, I have always thought - and I do think from what you post - your XH is a clinging boomerang/kitty MLCer. He isn't horrid to you, he feels bad, he wants affirmation from you - but he doesn't actually want to take solid steps back into the M. He wants you there (and not with anyone else) but doesn't actually want to be in the M just now. He's half in and half out even though you are D.
Ugh, horrid to have read that stuff, and I still get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's a typical MLCer type action to leave stuff like that in YOUR garage - eek..
So, he will do what he will do. He may be partly in and partly out for a week, month, year, ever... That's up to him. What you choose to do and how you interact with him is up to you. You can choose to have minimal contact if that works for you - or you can choose to spend more time with him. But the key is - what works for you. Choose the course which promotes happiness and steadiness within yourself and for your kids and follow that. Choose compassion, but have boundaries.
Glad to hear you are moving forwards, and exciting if there is a job change afoot too...
Lots of love and big hugs from me Sweetheart xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Pink, I was thinking about you yesterday and praying that everyone was doing better and I see that your sons are doing well and you are still hanging in there.
I don't blame you, I would be searching for a new position if they aren't compensating you for your time. You are a single mom w/three sons and every penny counts. I hope you find something soon.
As for your xh, I think that the last conversation you had w/him took the pressure off of him. He's being more attentive to the boys and wanting to cook a meal at your home, etc. As for his stuff still being there...many of them leave their belongings behind. If they aren't bothering you, then leave them be for a while longer.
Your xh isn't baked yet. He's still dealing w/a lot of issues and it may take a while longer for him to come to terms w/his issues and his life as it is now. You have control over your life. If you think limited contact is better for you, then so be it. As Sotto pointed out, what you choose to do and how you interact w/him is up to you. If something isn't working, try something different. Whatever you decide to do, be happy w/your decisions and move forward from there.
This is only my opinion, but I don't think the chapter of your life w/your xh is finished. I think that there is more to write in your look of life.
Pink, I think you are doing well and I do hope that you can dig deeper for patience and know that whatever you decide to do, we will be here to support you. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that you find a new position very soon.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pink, I'm so glad you're still posting in here. I agree with job. The book is not finished. You and XH are still connected and what confuses me is that I don't know if you are keeping him at arm's length. It sounds like when he comes close, you hold your boundaries, which might be good for you if you are still afraid that he could hurt you again.
However, I am finding that piecing and reconciling are very risky and frightening and it makes us (me at least) very vulnerable. It's always risky to open yourself up like that, especially with someone who has hurt us so deeply and fundamentally. But if we aren't willing to take that risk, we won't get what we all wanted when we came here -- our M's back.
I took the leap and I'm so glad I did. Sometimes I still cry like a baby at the hurt and betrayal I felt. But I'm lucky. W takes me in her arms and helps me feel better when that happens. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary. I am so grateful I dared trust again, I dared being vulnerable again, and I dared loving her again -- that never really ended, though.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
xx