Time to Love and discover myself

[Vanilla]

Me too

V

[Pink17]

I really need to apologize for not writing a single word for such a long time, but I guess I needed this time.

June went by with the idea of making a big road trip with my three boys. We started planning and then we decided to go for it.

We left CO on july 7th and went to many different estates on the east coast. It was amazing, unbelievable. The trip was a big success and everything went right.

We saw many things, we bond together as a team. It was epic.

We ended our trip in Chicago and then flew back to CO on 7/24.

My kids are doing great. S22 is looking for a job, getting better every day, became Vegan and is a lot healthier without medications that were not meant for him. Shame on these doctors.

S19 is in his way to college on this coming Thursday and S16 is starting his junior year in HS and is playing American football.

I am busy, busy, busy. Work full time, did not look for another job yet. I tough I need that trip to clear my mind and turn some pages. Interacting more in church and learning a lot more about my faith.

I turned my life around. Even tough I had so many wounds, slowly I started understanding that I needed to change. And I did, and I got more on my own self, I smile more, and I feel good more often.

Always have interactions with XH, sometimes we talk briefly, sometimes I try to keep my distance, and sometimes we talk more.

You will say... all the same.

But this weekend something was different. On Saturday, I was at a party with the church people and then for my surprise, XH showed up with our three boys. It was nice. They left before me.

I left that party and went to my Divorce group party. I got home by 9pm and XH was still there talking to the kids, then he started talking to me about something stupid like he does not want to pay for our kid's hair cut.

Oh well, I got kind of mad, then of course, we started talking about us as usual. I said many things and he did too. Basically apologizing for my wrong doings during the M and he was doing the same on his end.

We talked until 1:30am sunday. At some point I told him that he was the only man I ever loved, and that I know I need to go away because I still love him and it is that simple, I love him and won't hide it. But, I respect his decision and will move on with my life and be happy. I said that I will have someone else in my life but I know I won't ever love the same way I love him.

He said that he feels the same way about me.

When he was leaving, I said that I will be happy again, that life will be good for both of us. He was getting into his car and said: "Don't close the door just yet if you can". Then left.

Well, it bugged me, but I am use to hear things and nothing happen, so I just did let go.

Next morning he was at church. I was happy, just my day was good. I said hi to him and sat on my own as I always do.

I left church by a different door that day, and he was in the front door. When he saw me he called and wanted to let me know that he was picking up the boys to have lunch together.

I looked at him and said that it was OK and that I knew it because he put the date on his schedule. Said see you later, byyyy!!! And left.

He picked up the kids and when he was back he asked to talk to me. He was talking about logistics about S19 moving and S16 school. Then he started talking about my finances. At some point I got mad with him and was really upset for him being so nosy in my stuff, my life.

Since we were kind of arguing, we went to the garage so the boys didn't need to be listening to this. It was not a fight with loud voices or anything like that. It was talking with disagreements.

Then we got calmer and we again started talking about us. At some point I broke, and also broke into tears and said that I got it. I made mistakes, I didn't do many things, I was stupid and want to be right all the time, I did not show my love for him, I was not a friend, not a wife.

He cried too and said that he could have been a better husband too, that him too made a lot of mistakes, that he regret all what he could said and never did.

Then he says that he wants to be my friend. I said that I was not sure later on in life, but that I can't be his friend since I still love him. That I need the distance.

He asked me if this was the reason I want to move out of Colorado and I said that it is, only that I will be far from him. Then he said that I will go and will be there with myself. That it won't solve the issue.

Then he started saying that he has no one, that he loves no one and never did. That the only woman he loved was me and that it was hard to forget. That he still loves me with all his heart.

Then he said that he doesn't know what to do, that he is alone, he has nothing, he can't move. Then I made a funny face, like the dog eyes, and said: Why don't you come back to me?

He said: Well, I love you and I know you love me now. We can be friends.

Then I said: Why friends, why don't we date and try to give our R a shot? a second chance? And he said: Pink, I have been saying this for half an hour. I said I want to be friends.

Then I said: I have guys friends, but I am not interested in then, so with you it needs to be a date. Like going to a movie, but walk with hands tight.

Or go to a dinner, dance but together and boyfriend and girlfriend. And he said that he was actually asking me this.

Then we talked about that and we agreed that we will give another try. It will need to be slow and we both agree with it. No sex, just some dates to start developing our friendship and trust again. Kind of getting to know each other again.

We also agreed that because our faith, we will promise to keep God inside our R forever.

So we hugged, we kissed a tiny bit, and we hugged more.

He said that he could never find a woman like me, that he loved me before and loves me now and that he could never take me from his heart.

When he was leaving, I asked if he wanted me to set up a date, place... and he said that he will do that and will let me know. I said that probably next week since this will be a very busy one. He said that he will organize everything and let me know.

Well, it is a shot. We are both scared to death. But I am willing to try, first because I still love him with all my heart.

Maybe, just maybe, our family will have a chance. If anyone has any advice for me, I would appreciate.

The advice from Pink: I finally learned to let go, even if it was still inside my heart, it wasn't in my life anymore. But that is when he felt really attracted to me, because I shine, I smile with life, I have beauty from inside out. The vets told us, we doubt, just to find out it is true.

Love you all, and now I see that your kind words of advice, 2 x 4s, and experience made me a better person....

Love to you all,
It was my time to love and discover myself and I did it, I found myself again.

Kisses and hugs from Pink

[Zephyr]

thank you for the update.

caution and patience, that's all we need, right?

he is basically begging you to keep it no romance mode right now. you get to chose if that is good enough or not, it is a difficult choice.

it is crazy. my wife can't handle overt romantic. if I keep things light and simple and JUST be, sometimes romantic happens. sometimes we hold hands or walk arm and arm, or head on shoulder...but when it is forced...it gets rejected, she just can't handle it sometimes. even calling it a date sometimes upsets the prospect of fun from the get go. (definitely no long eye and contact -jeeze talk about off switch)

when it does happen, when she let's those walls down. for the short times it is wonderful!

be gentle with yourself. be understanding with him. be cautious and just try to have fun with it if you do go out.

there is no hurry here! you are doing awesome...really loved how your summer went.

(((pink)))

[job]

Pink,
Slow down! He has stated that he wants to be friends. He's not ready to commit to a "relationship" w/you right now. You and your xh started out as friends and then the love grew and you married. I hate to say this, but the old marriage is gone and the only way to "possibly" reconcile and get into a more romantic relationship is to start out as friends, i.e., a new relationship needs to begin and then slowly, but surely (hopefully) the love will return and a NEW relationship will ignite and a NEW marriage. (Hopefully)

Bottom line, reconciling is the hardest part of the MLC journey. We get impatient and we want our relationships back like yesterday...it doesn't work that way. They slowly went into MLC and then will slowly exit MLC. Dig deeper for patience and keep things at the friendship level. It could take another (possible) 18-24 months before he feels comfortable in his own skin. Patience, patience and more patience are what is needed now. If you push too hard, it will taken even longer or he could very well walk away and not want a relationship w/you at all.

Pink, you can do this...start out as friends and keep it very simple. No more relationship talks about the future or getting back together for now...friendship is the key and the beginning of any long term relationship.

[Sotto]

Hey Pink - good to see an update from you my friend. So, I agree with Job. He is saying let's be friends. That's good, and don't try to make this into more than friends....ie - we're dating but we don't sleep together etc. I think at this stage, anything that looks like 'getting back together' may be pressure that he can't really handle.

I think he has realised that his life has become pretty empty and loveless. He holds feelings for you that had become buried for a time. However, his life is also in somewhat of a mess and he has some personal sorting out to do I think. And if he is in a R, that may become pulled quite thin. I'm reminded of Lou's H telling her that he really didn't have a R to offer just now. And I think you really need to listen as your XH seems to be telling you the same. But you want to hear - let's try again - but he's not ready.

So, I would ask you - can you open up a little more to him? Be on more friendly terms? Maybe go out once every week or two? Have few expectations of him and accept he may pop back in to his hole from time to time? I think you would need to be able to handle all of these things if you want to open a friendship door to him again...

Also, do be prepared that the convo you had also represents pressure to him and that may in itself lead to a pop back into the rabbit hole....so he may or may not deliver with organising an outing for you guys...

I hope this helps Sweetie - not what you want to hear perhaps - but I do think it may be the best way forward and increase your chances in the much longer term.

Good luck in any case my friend xx

[LouR]

Hi Pink,

Just want to chime in as I am going through a similar stage to you.

My h came back in to my life about a year ago, he told me he wanted to be with me, I was the only one for him etc etc, just like your conversation with your h. Then when is came to it he backtracked as it was too full on for him, whilst he was waking up he was far from ready to be in a r with anyone. So we agreed to be friends, firmly in the friend zone with some rules - like no dating anyone else. We met up, had dates, enjoyed each others company and were there for each other. We have laughed, we have shared and we have discussed harder topics too. But it remained ....as frustrating as it was for me ...as friends. Fast forward a year and we are now heading to being together in a relationship, 4 weeks time he moves to me and we have committed to each other.

My advice is please please dont rush your h, he is telling you he wants to be friends and is feeling the pressure to be more as you want that and right now he is afraid if he does not give it to you you will leave his life. So let him lead this for a while (and it is hard not to push for more, I know), do it as his pace so that he can be comfortable with you and you with him. He may be feeling terrible guilt and needs time to reconcile those feelings and work out how he feels (which is still in painfully slow mode). To push him into a corner now could potentially send him off to yonder in a panic, you have come too far to let that happen Pink, so patience (oh how I dislike that word these days lol), understanding and lots more patience !!

Good Luck, I am supporting from over here. xoxo

[Pink17]

Hello Zephyr, Job, Sotto and LouR,

Thank you so much for coming to my rescue once again. I got so much good advices on this board. I can't even express in words what a difference it made and is making in my life.

Being busy with myself, kids, work and life in general, made me forget the whole MLC storm and what are the steps to really get better from this horrible process.

I confess that when he told me that he still loves me and that he can't take me from his heart, it was not a shock. It was a bomb of excitement. I didn't realize how it rocked my world at that little instant.

My XH was never a man of too many words. He talks in circles and it is worse now. I am the opposite, I like talking about everything. I like explaining things and I normally like to understand situations with all the words.

But, I get that this is a process and there are some details we can pay attention and try, at least try to do the right thing.

Since I came a long way to get myself more detached (not 100% from the inside), I feel a little more at peace with myself on letting go on this one too.

After reading your advices and real life stories like Zephyr ad LouR, I realize that I need to dig deep for "PATIENCE".

Yes, I guess I hate this word too. Patience with XH, with kids, with the pace of my life, with work. Wow, never even tough I would be so patient.

But I have been learning and I will let him lead. Let things happen as they happen without pressure. I also realized that I have a lot to do on my own related to my life. I have some things I want to do and it will be better if I do while he is not around.

I also realized that saying to him that I think we should date and go out as boyfriend/girlfriend was a lot for him to digest. Maybe he will run away, maybe not. We will see.

He was at my house last night. I wasn't there as I was in class at our church. While in a house he called me and then I texted him that I was in a class and he texted back apologizing. He told S19 that he was looking for the baseball glove cream because he will play some softball with his work buddies.

I still don't call him for any stupid excuse, I call only if it very important and about the kids, what is very seldom. The R talks need to stop and it is kind of hard when he always goes back to the subject, so I feel I need to work on some exit ways to avoid those talks but also not be rude.

I have a get together with my divorce group on Friday night, just the girls. Then Saturday I will joined the church group in a mission to distribute food for the poor in our area. Saturday afternoon I am going out with a friend that became a widow very recently and is going through a hard time. She may come and sleep at my house.

So, I am pretty busy. I am not sure how to handle this. If he comes up with some stuff for the days I am busy, I don't know if I just tell him I can't because I have some commitments or if I agree to go out with him and cancel the other stuff, what won't be a big deal.

By other hand, I don't want to stop my life or even change it around just because he pops up. I worked too hard on not have expectations and let go and I don't want to go back into the hole again.

Sometimes, when I think about it all, it feels so much easier to just let go on it all. This what is happening is like a shower of all what happen before. I even catch myself wondering if what I feel for him is love or something else.

In a few words... I AM AFRAID... SCARED TO DEATH.

I am afraid to hope, because he may be just playing around. I am afraid to trust, love. There are so much mixed feelings now.

This is a hard week too. I will be dropping my kid at college tomorrow morning and it is a bitter sweet feeling. I feel proud and happy and I feel sad and anxious. XH will be at my house by 6am tomorrow to help with the moving. There is a part of me that likes that and there is a part of me that knows we have a broken family right now. Oh well, I will make the most of it because my kid deserve a nice time in his life. It is not about me, it is about S19 now.

I will keep on the friend zone. Not move a finger to get things my way. I will let him lead, if he wants too. I won't stop my own life.

I will also try to read DR, DB and some other material I have on MLC again next week. Just to refresh my mind about these aliens behaviors.

The good thing about all this is that there is still a lot of respect between us. We care for each other as a person first and that may be a plus in this time of our lives.

Again thank you so much and I will ask that if you can, please continue with me in this journey. At this point in time, many of my family and friends think that I am disrespecting myself, letting him walk over my head, not caring about my own life, and blah, blah, blah.

They even say that I have no "balls" to ask XH to take his stuff out of the garage.

I still believe that as human beings we lose it sometimes and we make mistakes we later regret. No one is perfect, I look back and I see a lot of my own flaws. So why to judge someone, why not believe that like me, people can change?

Love you all and thank you so much for your love for me, a person with no face that you came to rescue.

Pink

[Pink17]

I need a little help...

I have been very busy and kind of stressed out lately. Just too many things to do and not much time to get it done. So I think my head does not think straight sometimes.

Just like you all said, my XH was all forward and lovely one weekend and then was distant the next. The difference now is that he seems to like to be around even when distant. He seems to enjoy seeing me, like he admires me more now.

Well, by my side it hurts. It is all unsafe area, all unsure and it [censored]. Last Monday, he called and was all happy and talking about our kid that went to college. Our younger one went on a out of state football trip and he said that we could go together to pick him up at the airport.

I said that he doesn't need to do that since he lives far from me and he explained a lot to convince me that it won't be a problem.

It seems silly to ask for help on this. But, part of me says I need to just agree and enjoy the ride. And part of me keep thinking that he just accommodated things because he doesn't want that both of us drive to pick up the kid and put him into an awkward situation on choosing which parent he rides home with.

I don't know what to do, it became comfortable for me to just avoid him and be on my own life. But, I still think that we may have a chance and I still love him.

It is so hard... I feel I just want to move far, far away and try to forget it all. But I also know I will be moving with myself and it won't resolve anything.

Sorry for being a taker... I always look for help but I am not giving any. I feel kind of pathetic to tell people what they might do when I don't know what do in my own life.

Thanks to all that always look after me, you are all amazing people.

Pink

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Hi Pink,

You seem to have a regular support group here, but I'm going to chime in anyway.

First off, that whole taker thing?
Shut up. Take what you need give what you can when you can.

What is wrong with a car ride? Unless I am missing something is there a hotel or overnight stay somewhere? If not, you have been having long conversations with him that have lasted until 1:30 am in the morning.

I'd tone down the whole I love you thing, maybe not bring it up, no relationship talking. I'll even go so far as to say dress up a little bit. Not obviously like a cocktail dress or anything like that, but look...nice.

Let him see what he is missing, but move any relationship talks away from that subject or keep them really short.

I'd suggest that he is comfortable with you, he seems to knows that you are safe, that you would take him back that you want more from him, and are willing to work on it.

I'm not suggesting that this is a game, but it sort of plays like one. I'm not saying lie about anything like how your co-worker asked you out and asking your XH if you should go out with him. Stupid ploy and trick. But to just sort of stop talking about things that will reassure him that your going to be around.

Be friendly with him and confident in yourself.

[Pink17]

Hi Jack, thank you so much for the hint. I don't know where I would be without the great therapists I get here. Really a treasure for life.

It's hard not to have R talks with him, but I think I can manage to keep it short, informal and not getting into his inferno.

Through my faith, I have been learning to let the old woman in the past and live the new one with a new mentality. Kind of great time to have even a class to work on those issues.

I think I will take it as he is just a man that could possibly develop into something else somewhere down the road. EASY UHh? not at all, it is very hard to do that since we shared so many years together, but since I learned so much about so many others things that were hidden inside myself, I guess I can learn that too.

You know, I walk strong and then I fall on my knees. Some of those nasty feelings of rejection and inferiority comes to haunt me big time. Like this, when he comes forward, I start feeling like I am not good enough for the task.

That's another one that only time will decrease the intensity.

Jack, definitely I will look nice. It gives me more confidence and will help me to feel strong. Like you said, not dress for a cocktail but look good and feel good.

Thinking about, I think that you nailed it in the head about the whole R talks. Normally, it becomes a lot of "I am sorry" session. He starts apologizing for being an idiot and I feel the need to apologizing for being an idiot too. Then we go on and on in our past.

You are right, it needs to stop and see what it can be without the past in the present. We changed a lot, that is for sure. We are both better people, not the best, but we even laugh sometimes that we are better for each other now.

So, what can I say: Thank you!!! I was down on myself, and doing what I do best... run away!!! But you got my spirit up and happy again. I need to be positive and confident that we still have a chance to love again.

Love you lots and thank you!!!
Pink