JOB, I would like to know how I can find Never Give Up thread.
Hi all... just an update to keep you informed of the insanity.
On sunday I picked up XH's stepmother and her husband at the airport. They are here to visit us and for S18 graduation. XH decided to schedule a last minute business trip and told me he wouldn't be in town during the time they are here.
So, it is up to me to babysit them. I do not complain much about it because this people love and care for my kids and I really appreciate that. But by other hand, it is awkward and really tiring for me since I have work, graduation, college stuff and them altogether this week.
I guess it is another MLC signature. XH is avoiding some family members right now. His real mother called me last week to find out how he is doing because she hasn't hear from him for awhile and she is worried.
About help with anything, well forget it. He is not involved in all college admission process, not involved in anything related to S18's graduation and the party. He is just oblivious to what is going on in his kids lives right now. Not even involved in S16's football that is full speed and lots of commitments right now.
Maybe this is MLC or maybe he just gave up on it all. I don't really know. I just know that the heavy load is really heavy and is wearing me out.
He was at the house picking up the kids, brought some hamburgers and buns and told me he bought that for me and the kids. He was looking sad, depressed and really, really skinny. He actually looks pretty ugly right now. He lost too much weight, put 20years on his face in the last 2 years. It is just very sad to see what is going on with him.
But he is still on his own journey and does not give me any sign he would like to come back home. I guess he is still feeling very sorry for himself.
He does not pay his part for the kids expenses until I ask him. I gave him a check he was supposed to deposit in his account and transfer the money to my account and never heard about it again. His stuff is still in my garage.
I am not really criticizing him. I am just stating that he is not himself at all. Sometimes I think he is getting even worse because he is not with OW and is even more depressed now.
I really do not know what to do and I think that it is better to keep my distance and do absolutely nothing.
I don't feel anxious around him anymore. I basically tried many times to see him as a neighbor and the last few times I saw him lately, I felt just like that, a neighbor.
I still care for him, but I now can just ignore that he is in the same space I am. I even noticed that it kind of bother him that I treat him with distance. Well, I guess he will eventually realize that it is what he asked for.
I still feel a lot of pain. Sometimes I miss him terribly, some other times I actually feel good being by myself. I really don't know what I feel deep in my heart for him. I just know that I am so busy I don't have much brain space and time to dedicate it to him.
Is this detachment? I think it is. I think I am finally getting there. I can walk into a room and know he is there and it does not change a thing anymore.
That I did let go? No, I did not. But I also don't know if I want to be with him any longer. I am going through another stage of this long, very long process.
Well, that's is about it this time, see you later. God bless you all.
Pink, Never Give Up's threads may have been purged a long time ago. She's not posted in many, many years. I'll take a look around the archives and see if I can locate any of her old threads.
As for your xh, don't expect him to be responsible and remember to give you money. Don't expect him to be involved in anything at this time. In fact, it may very well overwhelm to the point of just avoiding everything and leaving it all to you.
He will get worse before he gets better. The dark, deep depression is probably not too far away and he has to go thru it to get to the other side. You can't do anything for him, but pray. Also, he may still be going thru withdrawal of the ow.
You are slowly detaching and it does take a lot of time. Don't get discouraged. Keep moving forward.
I know you have family in for your son's graduation. Enjoy their visit and keep the focus on your kids, especially right now, your son that is graduating. This is an important milestone in his life and nothing, not even MLC, should over shadow this time for him.
Pink, you've got a lot going on and I do hope that you are carving out some time for yourself. Let go, Let God. Give it up to him and allow him to work things out for you and your family.
Take care and I'll get back to you if I can locate any of Never Give Up's threads.
Pink, I have not located Never Give Up's threads. As I mentioned before, her threads may have been purged 2-5 years ago. She was here a long time ago, i.e., back in early 2000's. I'm so sorry that they aren't here for you to read.
Last edited by job; 05/24/1612:25 PM. Reason: Update on locating threads of NGU's
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Pink, you are doing well Sweetheart and as Job said - you have a lot on so do look after yourself.
I think expecting very little from H is the best way to go. He doesn't sound to be in a great place himself and probably has very little to offer. If he does come up with something helpful, that' a bonus I think.
Glad you are starting to feel more detached and unsure if you want to be with him again. I think the latter part is understandable and all part of the process.
Hope your S's graduation goes well - you must be very proud of him xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Really it dies he sounds to be struggling mine twisting a bit but it's not my problem. Tbh... Not at all my drama and now days it's fine I'm glad in someways.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Job, thanks for taking the time to look for NGU's threads, I was and I am curious how things develop with MLC once you are divorced. My situation w/XH is a little confusing since we are divorced here but married in my country of origin. Somehow it keeps playing between us that comes up in our conversations about family. Really awkward.
Sotto, I tried my best many times and failed big way. But, lately I have been able to keep my cool. I do not feel anxious anymore and literally do not give much attention to XH as well. I am polite and almost caring, but I am disconnected, on my own kind of way.
GG he is struggling, and as much I want to pretend that he is living La Vida Louca, it's not true. He seems what he says, that he is living a day at a time.
So graduation week came and XH was traveling out of state from Monday to Wednesday. He called S18 on Wednesday late afternoon, just before we left for Senior Night and said that he could not be there because he was flying home and would get to Denver too late to attend the ceremony. S18 got very upset, told me that this graduation stuff was all a bunch of bull and that he did not care for it at all.
I was patient, listen to all what he had to say and said that I was there and that I care for all his accomplishments. S18 did well, graduate w/a 4.1 GPA and got the maximum award of excellency in academics. And his dad wasn't there...
Well, graduation day and when I was just leaving for the big ceremony on Saturday morning, I got a message from XH asking if I could bring him a chair and if he could help with the party later on. I just answered that yes, I could do it and that help was welcome.
He attended the ceremony, he hugged me and congratulate me for my kid and I did the same. I sat a little far from him and decide to make believe that he was invisible. Later we took some pictures and then I told S18 I would wait for him after he picked up his papers and left to talk to some girlfriends.
Later I was coming back from the store and XH was already at my house. He got there around 1:30pm. He helped a lot and it was like the old times. Since I was busy, I did not care much about anything.
Then I asked him to get some more ice from the supermarket and when he come back he had a gorgeous spring bouquet. He walked to me and said that he would like to give me that because I am the best. The best mom, best person he ever known.
He said that he is amazed of how hard I worked to put the party together and how much he was proud of me. I did not get emotional at all. I was happy with the flowers, I smiled happy and I said thank you so much for such gorgeous flowers and that I was doing it all for my son. That he is a good kid and deserve it. He said: "Of course, but our kids are very luck for having such great mom".
I put the flowers in my favorite blue vase and told him I loved them and they were amazing.
We worked a little more and then our guest were arriving. During the party he talked to my friends and I also met some of his new friends. Everything was fine, he was time to time looking for me, talking to me, chasing me around. Funny that sometimes we could just look at each other and no words were necessary for us to know what we meant. Still some things are there.
It was late night and he was still there helping to put some things away. I had some friends that were there to help to clean up a bit. At some point we decided to go to a soccer game between Brazil and Panama the next day and it was all too crazy. Big commotion about the game. XH was an outsider and I am sure he felt exactly that way.
This time I did nothing to change that. I just let go and was happy with my kids and friends. This is what he want, this is what he gets.
He walked in circles for awhile and then decided to leave. He said goodbye to everyone and I was sitting laughing my lungs out with so much crazy talk with the kids and friends and did not move. He came and asked me if he could talk to me. I walked outside with him and then he thanked me another million times and hugged me very tight. He kissed my chic a million times too.
I gave him a good hug and said that I appreciated his help and it was our life saver that he was here to help. He said he did nothing much, that he needed to help more. I said that he did what he could and that was good.
Then I said: Well, you drive safe and have a good night. I did not make any move to talk more with him, did not show any sign of love and care. It was just that, a neighbor that was leaving.
I always had a hard time to understand how can one be detached and still love that person and now I totally get it. It is a hard thing to explain, it is more like the way you feel about someone. You love the person, but you know you can go on without that person.
And I think now he can feel that too. I know it bothers him, he is confused with what he sees and feel.
One time during the party he asked me to add some more food to one of my main dish and as I was doing it he said: "Pink, I still love you so much, you have no idea". Then I said: "No I have no idea and I do not want to think about it either. Stop with the BS because you left me and I do not want to talk about." He asked me do not do this to him, that it was not fair with him, and I looked at him and said that it is what it is XH, you wanted it, now you have it.
Then I walked away like nothing happen.
Well, I do not know what is what, whom is whom, where, why. I just don't really think much anymore. I know I love him, but now I also know he left me. I just do what Job said. Let go, let God. I just put it all in my Lord's hands and let him deal with it all.
What is going to happen, I don't know. I just know that I have dreams, plans, goals to reach and I will walk that path for myself. I matter, I am a nice person and I have a lot of respect for whom I am.
So, I would say that DB works for me. I am a better me, I am beautiful and I like it.
At the Brasil soccer game I dressed up as a canary. Yellow shirt, flag bandana and my huge flag on my back. I screamed and danced the whole time. It was amazing and I had a lot of fun with my kids.
Again, and again I have to say thank you for all the support, I am a better person because all of you and your great advices.
We will see where life will take me next, for now I am still breathing and loving it.
Hi Pink. Your XH is coming forward and as Cadet often says , you ( the LBS ) will have the final choice in all of this.
XH is clearly lost and while you may never forget what he's done you need to forgive Living in the past is not healthy and will restrict your future
Life can throw up things that we don't expect and it's how we deal with them that matters. For me , XH knows what he's done and he's doesn't know how to move past it or if he can move past it. Your actions at the graduation party we perfect. You didn't get involved In his drama and you had a great evening.
This will work out for you , I hope you stay the course and let XH sort himself out and give him the time to find his way. Pink getting on with her life and dealing with everything is also needed because you need to see what your life has in it
We get mixed up in thought sometimes and we don't see what's in front of us. You have 3 wonderful kids , a job you love and a heart big enough to deal with it all. XH and the sitch is tough but the positives out weigh the negatives by so much more
Relax back , live your life and the choice will be yours
Hi RD, thanks for your kind words and you know that I appreciate all your help and support.
Yesterday was one of those difficult times in life that you just think how separations and divorces impact families in so many ways.
S18 did hurt his right foot with some spring in the garage and when he was cleaning up the wound in the kitchen, he fainted and had some kind of seizure. It was scary and I decided to take him to the ER. Before leaving the house I called XH to let him know what was going on.
At the hospital he was helpful and tearful. S18 was seen by a nurse to check if he could wait a little or not and then we all sat to wait the doctor. XH walked to me and gave me a hug. We talked and I always left the subject just about S18.
What is awkward for me is that XH is full of attentions and always put his hands on me. Like on my arm, my shoulders. If I say he is doing this with intention of being close to me, I can also understand that he is just trying to be kind and supportive to the situation at the moment.
If I say that he is supportive, then it could be that I am missing it because he is doing this even when there is no emergency or problem around.
The problem for me is that I do not know what to do. If I ask him to stay away from me, then I will lie, be immature and ignorant. If I don't, then it is letting him to be close to me, what in some ways is not good for me.
Yesterday was easy to just walk away and ignore what he does, but sometimes it is very obvious what is going on. So, I am not sure if I walk away or do the same for him, since it is one of his complaining, that I was not caring enough.
Well, I just want to mention this because the truth is that I have a lot on my "To Do List" and he is the least on that.
Hi Lovely, I'm sorry to hear about your trip to the hospital with S18. I hope he is much improved today and good that both you and XH were able to be there for him.
I'm tired tonight and don't have much to offer in the way of advice - but just sending big hugs to you. ((((( ))))) xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
