Thanks for the input. These days it is not a matter of letting go anymore, because everything is what it is. I am very busy with my kids, work and GAL.
My life is not bad at all and I am sure I can complain about my kids filling so much of my personal time, but that is also the product of my own creation. I am a family lady and it is very important for me that the family unit is very close and about each others business.
I see myself as an average person that had a divorce. My life with this man was not very good but was not bad. There was ugly faces and no talking many times, but there was never abuse in an ugly way at least.
Maybe the abuse is the one that is still there. This man had very poor family values passed to him. As a consequence, instead of trying to make his family a strong hold, he never gave himself to the cause. He is still far from his kids and in his mind what he does is enough. He is not involved in anything important for his kids in the present time. All he does is to take the kids to the park, eat out and movies.
Sometimes I even ask myself why my heart still feels something for this man. He is not a family man (at least not yet), he still think in a selfish way and is only worried about himself. And the worse of all this is that he is still blind to reality and in his mind he thinks he is sacrificing a lot to make sure his family is not suffering.
It is very sad to see it all from the outside, I feel sorry for him many, many times. But I do understand that his choices are his to own and deal with. My place is not beside him anymore and I keep it that way. More and more I keep my distance from him and just let go.
I am hopeful that one of these days I will wake up in the morning and not miss him anymore, not think about him and not really bother if he is alive or not. That is the freedom I am looking for.
He does not want me in his life and is making it clear to me that our time together reached the end.
I wish it never happen to me the way it did because I know I won't be the same anymore. I will never give myself the way I did. I would be lying if I say I would. The wounds of our breakup were deep and I won't let anyone else to enter my life in that same way.
So, these are the regrets I will carry forever inside my heart. If there is another life to live, then maybe I will start over, but in this one I just want to let go on all of this and take whatever else the world can offer me, but never that kind of love anymore.
I am still thinking to move to another state once S16 graduate high school and that will happen on may 2018. I know there are quite some time, but it is a goal and then there will be a lot of miles between XH and myself. I have a great desire to move closer to the ocean, it makes me feel good and I want that back into my life.
Again, thanks a lot for your help, I really appreciate it.
point one - you are not average. I've been reading your posts and thoughts for going on year and a half now. you are nowhere near average...might consder adjectives wonderful, exceptional, even amazing.
point two - you are not crazy, this has been a difficult, draining and soul wrenching experience...see point one
Hi Anjo , this is my humble opinion. XH is still very lost and unsure of what he wants from life. He sounds depressed and unable to make choices for himself.
Pink , I would remind you of the old , 50% of what they do rule , XH sees you getting on with your life and put on the spot he answered , No. Accept that as the reality for now but I wouldn't close all doors because of that conversation
Vanillia is right , his behaviour re OW is all him , you may not have been the best W on the planet but you certainly didn't force him to make the choices he did
Sorry to hear about your health and hope your back to full fitness now
Hi Pink, so if you read my thread, you'll see I'm also divorced now. Not what I wanted of course but I feel calm about it and will keep moving forward.
Now then, I think you're setting far too much store by H's 'no' answer. Remember the rule to believe nothing they say etc. He gave you that answer 'in the moment' and he is a confused guy for sure. Accept it for what it was - his response 'right then' - and let it go.
If you choose to remain hopeful in the longer term for the R, that's entirely up to you. But I do think the advice to put your love in a box on the shelf, is good advice. If you want to get the box down at some point and have another look inside, it's up there on the shelf and you can take it down.
But for now, I think you are right on the money to keep the focus on you, your kids, work, life etc. He is a small part of some of that, but you have a life separate to him now. It may always remain so, it may not and time will tell.
I agree with others - you are in no way average - you are a talented, sparky, unique and compassionate woman...and don't tell yourself otherwise (((((hugs))))
Take care lovely, and do keep posting as we are all here for you.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you Zephyr - well, you are not very wrong either. I just mention I am an average person meaning the pain one feels once living a divorce story.
I do believe that I am (not all the time) very amazing, dedicated, wonderful, caring, happy and a lot more and it is all very positive. But you know that a person can be cruel and mean to the ones very close to us. And that is something that happen to me and my XH, we were nice to everybody else and we forgot to nurture our love and R, we became worse then strangers.
I am learning...
Thanks RD - As usual you have faith in me and cheer me up all the time. You are an amazing guy RD and I am happy to get to know you.
My XH is far in body, mind and heart. If he is lost or not, I do not know. It looks like he is destroyed. I sense he is still depressed and is not looking for any help. But this is all the consequences of my actions, his actions and then our actions.
We have a very awkward situation were we are divorced but still married, we are cold and far and yet we sit together and share a bible. As usual in my life, nothing is just straight forward, it is complicated to say the least.
Thanks Sotto - so, so sorry you got the decree. I see you are doing good and will thrive even further, but I am still sorry that another R end up in D because one person is not willing to fight for it.
I agree with you about XH, better let it be. My hopes are fading, becoming ashes and one of these days the wind will blow it away. I still have some love left in my heart so I will stick to it until the last breath.
I do not get his attitude tough. Sometimes I have a hard time understanding exactly what he means about things. V said he wrote what I want to hear, but sometimes I am not sure it is just that. But, we will see.
*** By the way, if anyone sees Job around, ask her to stop by my thread please!!! I can't find Never Give Up thread and I would like to read it since Job said it may help me in some ways.
And if anyone knows about anybody that actually got back together after divorce, please let me know. It may be nice to read about it.
I came here just to empty my heart of so much pain. How much can one take until it is too much is a question that have been haunting me for quite some time.
It is S18 graduation time. He did it very well, finished strong. Then yesterday he tells me that XH asked him if he would like something from Pittsburg. Then explained that he is going there next week to meet the baby girl that has been adopted by his brother from France.
S18 said that maybe he could get a Steelers hat and XH said that it is too expensive and he may get a key chain instead.
S18 tells me all this and say that he does not want any party and that this whole graduation means nothing, and goes on and on saying all the negative things he can think about.
I know he needs to be more mature about it, but I just don't get why XH does this things. He is so clueless about other people's feelings.
I texted him asking if he wouldn't be here for his son's senior night and graduation and he answered me after 2hours that he is going out of state from Monday to wed. So yes, he will be here.
Why do I bother? Why in my mind I still think that there is any good that can come from him? Why I think that he will ever think anything besides himself? Why I still think that he wants to be part of this family?
I just question myself why did life showed me such person? Today I feel I wish I never met this man in my life. I am not even mad. I am just so disappointed that it hurts.
How can someone just let go and wash their hands of any responsibility? Why does my kids have a father as I had one, that tells other people about his pride to have such good kid and does not care at all about the kid?
I know you won't have the answers to me, I am just decompressing my heart because he is pushing it too far and I am so disgusted with the whole thing.
I tried to put myself in a compassion zone many times, I tried to see that he is confused and hurting, but I am just very tired of his BS.
I just feel more and more in my heart that it is time to let him go. I need to have this man totally out of my life. I can't move to another state right now. S16 wants to finish his high school here and I promised him I will respect that, but sometimes I just feel I want to go far, far away from him.
I can't cry, I tried yesterday and I just can't. I am angry, I am hurt and I am at my last straw. He did too much already.
I remember Wonka's words saying that normally it is the LBS that decides. I guess we get so tired of the disregard, that we let go and we don't want to have anything to do with it anymore in our lives. As we look inward, we start seeing that we were not so bad to start with.
I was hanging in there before, dealing with it all and everything that would come my way. I am still hanging in there and dealing with everything. So, why do I need him? I really do not need him for anything. I always did it all and I am still doing it all.
I guess it is time for me to face the truth and realize that it was not good and that is why we are in this situation. I won't ever be good, he does not care his children and much less about me, time to face it and accept what it is.
One more day with disappointment, one more day to realize I wasted my time thinking it could ever work.
Hi Anjo. The feelings you are having today are reactive XH has not lived up to expectations again and that's caused you to be disappointed I completely understand and often feel ike that but you have to realise that XH is lost. I'm not trying to gives him excuses but try looking at it this way , XH had a family , a good job , a nice house , good wife and now he has nothing. He's depressed , his kids aren't really in his life and he's living in someone else's house and has no money.
Did he really choose his new life ? Who would choose that life ? Certainly no right think person would
Again , no excuses for him but maybe reasons , he wanted something different and he had an A , he went down a cheeseless tunnel and is now stuck there
Maybe he will stay in the tunnel forever and maybe he will emerge , either way Pink needs to move on with her own life and don't expect XH to act like a normal , clear thinking person because he's not right now
You truly don't deserve this pain and hardship BUT your Pink and you can deal with it. Life will be good for you again and with or without XH Pink will be great
Keep posting because we all care and want to support you as best we can
You are right about his life and most of the time I can see the struggle painted in his face. Reading your words makes me realize that perhaps it is also shame that makes him do what he does best, run away.
For sure it is not easy to be happy and face all what is going on in his kids lives when you messed up so bad.
I was also thinking that his stepmother is arriving in Colorado on sunday and that he may be running away so he does not need to face her. He has been avoiding to talk to her for a long time. He was super close to her and it could be that he does not have the guts to face it now.
But all this does not diminished the pain, frustration and deception on my kids heart and face. It is a very hard thing to see that they know their father walking out on them.
I guess the whole time is just sad for me, for us. But, as you said, we will survive this time too and will move forward with out dreams, goals, pursuits. Life won't be like this forever.
I am very sentimental these last days and I think it is a combination of having my family far away in Brasil, have no family here, being divorced so no husband, and not even a father for my kids. Responsibility on my shoulders, lots and lots to do and lots of history being written without the joy we should have.
Well, I will try my best to get myself out of this dark thinking and unhappiness. Maybe tomorrow I can post something very nice.
Hey lovely, people always post that the letting down of your kids is the worst and I can understand your upset.
I would echo what RD has said and add that MLCers are so self-absorbed that they just don't have much to give. They don't have the tools just now to build and maintain healthy relationships. That's why they have dalliances with scuzzy OWs. I'm not excusing him - but I do believe this is the case and hope the reminder may help.
Also, when I'm rattled I do try to look inward at what this has triggered in me and what I can do about it (regardless of what he may be doing.)
Mostly, remember that 'rattled' isn't a great time to make big decisions. Maybe let the episode pass and then see how you feel.
Take care Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
