Starting to do things right?

[PacLove]

Thanks guys!

Once you cross the line of exposure there is no going back.

Good point - about not going back. I'm assuming here you mean public disclosure right? I've already disclosed privately to a few close friends for morale support. It's usually the first question out of their mouth when I tell them we are separated. All of them are telling me to set a deadline.

[quote=CWOL]
WW told me she was intent on separating/divorcing,
[/CWOL]

I'm partially there - WW is only in a temporary separation and hasn't really even "moved out" still keeps all her belongings at home and comes home every 2-3 days to change out and see D. We are in week # 5 now. She has indicated no desire for a D and is maintaining the R to some degree - yes I know Cake Eating, but at the same time that gives me some hope she may come back to the M if she still sees some value in it and hasn't given up on it entirely. That's perhaps why Exposure could shock her back but could also turn her away completely.

[quote=CWOL]
WW told me that my Exposure drove the stake through our marriage, there is no chance for reconciliation because of it.
[/CWOL]

Yeah this is what I worry about most too... My wife would likely take that path. Although for you it sounds like she had already made up her mind, whereas mine hasn't.

[CWOL]

Good point - about not going back. I'm assuming here you mean public disclosure right? I've already disclosed privately to a few close friends for morale support. It's usually the first question out of their mouth when I tell them we are separated. All of them are telling me to set a deadline.

PacLove,
I would definitely discourage "nuclear" exposure, i.e. telling the whole world, who may or may not care. Like you, I did it to our closest friends for moral support, and only friends that were close to WW. That had the most effect as they immediately leaned on her. She knows what she did was wrong (contacting OM for 9 years at least!) but she was too ashamed to face them.

Before all of this happened, when I confronted her on D-Day, she told me she was going to leave no matter what. She said she wanted to be "friends" but nothing I said was going to change her mind. She said I could drag her name "through mud" and it won't change anything... I reasoned and begged for three weeks but nothing was getting through, so finally I did the Exposure... It pushed the EA underground for a month but then she ended up plotting the D secretly.

[PacLove]

Thanks yeah what I meant on exposing privately is that my friends and family know but they aren't saying anything to W about knowing. In fact they aren't even acknowledging we are separated when they talk to W as W didn't want to share that and the separation is currently only temporary. Public for me, means having them talk to her about it.

I think if she decides on a more permanent separation, IE signing a lease or moving in with OM then I'll be more open about the separation and possibly have them expose to her that they know.

Right now she's just going week by week...

[CWOL]

That's probably a wise move at this point. I would have preferred that to what I have now (I was dumb, I begged and pleaded with her NOT to move out initially. I should have just had her to go her mom's like she threatened that night...)

How has the temporary separation been? Has it defused some of the tension between you? Or is it causing the A with OM to get hotter?

[PacLove]

How has the temporary separation been? Has it defused some of the tension between you? Or is it causing the A with OM to get hotter?

It's been hot and cold, she usually tries to engage with me if I'm home (she comes home 2x/week and every other weekend to take care of D) - I usually try and get out of the house to give her space. She's come home more than we agreed upon, usually to see D or because she needs something. It usually gets tense if I end up bringing up R or $ so I need to stop that.

The first 3 weeks I don't think she saw him very much (I had my ways of finding out) but last week I believe she saw him 2-3 times and spent the night there at least twice, so yeah it could be getting hot and heavy, hard to say. I'm convinced she woke up at his place on my Birthday (Friday) only to spend that night with me away...

She was very resistant to any texting over the weekend so perhaps she felt guilty or perhaps they got into a fight over her going away with me for the weekend - hard to say. She crashed at home Sunday night when she could have probably gone to his or her place.

[Melo]

Private exposure is what I am contemplating as well. I think it shakes them up a little bit, without making the road back to an MR too difficult.

[PacLove]

Thanks all for the feedback on exposure, think I'm going to hold off for now. The only question is about the OM BW (whom I believe is separated from OM) - should I share with her? It will more than likely get back to W if I do and could rock the boat.

Also my DB coach suggested writing a letter of apology, letter is written but hasn't been given yet. It basically apologizes for all the things I've done wrong in the R and the things I'm changing. I see this as going one of two ways:

1) looking potentially desperate or
2) bringing light to my misgivings allowing me to move on

The letter is written with the key phrase "this is not intended to change your mind about anything" and seeks to heal her heart and ask for forgiveness.

It also allows me to move on knowing I've sought forgiveness for where I have failed in our M.

I'm thinking that after our good weekend together, giving it to her sometime this week might be opportune if she's at all thinking about the M.

[CWOL]

Also my DB coach suggested writing a letter of apology, letter is written but hasn't been given yet. It basically apologizes for all the things I've done wrong in the R and the things I'm changing. I see this as going one of two ways:

If you are going to expose, I think you should include the OMW in your target. If they are not separated she could be your biggest ally.

I got that same suggestion for the letter of apology from my coach as well, I was very puzzled about it. Doesn't it seem very un-DB to you? It seems very clinging and not detaching at all. Also, someone warned me, by writing such an apology, if we do split up she could pull it up years from now and show my son, "Look, it was all your dad's fault, see, it wasn't because of OM..."??? I put the coaching on pause because of that, I may go back and try another coach because of this suggestion.

[PacLove]

If you are going to expose, I think you should include the OMW in your target. If they are not separated she could be your biggest ally.

Agreed - I was just thinking of maybe doing that exposure first to put some added pressure and if she deserves to know now (I'd want to if I were in her shoes - but she may already know).

I got that same suggestion for the letter of apology from my coach as well, I was very puzzled about it. Doesn't it seem very un-DB to you? It seems very clinging and not detaching at all. Also, someone warned me, by writing such an apology, if we do split up she could pull it up years from now and show my son, "Look, it was all your dad's fault, see, it wasn't because of OM..."??? I put the coaching on pause because of that, I may go back and try another coach because of this suggestion.

Hmm I never thought about it from a D's point of view, I don't think she'd pull that unless things got really nasty (they are very cordial right now). I did have a friend review it who's involved in law enforcement though and he suggested removing a few phrases that could be taken literally the wrong way as it could work against me in a D hearing.

The letter was brought up in my last session - it did seem very "un-DB" as did a lot of the suggestions from my coach - certainly against some of the advice I was getting online here, but at the same time I liked some of what she was saying - appealed to my Christian values and also the view of what's good for the family/child.

There was another resource I found (to remain nameless per forum rules) that also advocates the apology letter, and I followed the template there mostly.

I will pray on this more and reflect. It's a matter of will it do more harm then good? As my one Christian friend said, seeking forgiveness is probably more important than appearing desperate.

[Ralph88]

This is a serious question, why are we writing and sending apology letters to women that have betrayed us and are demoting us from the position of husband? I'm seriously asking.