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Joined: Apr 2015
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By the way what are you doing to have fun?


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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PacLove Offline OP
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Working out daily, been also getting out on the Mountain Bike, recently started sailing again in a weekly race and have been skiing all though that's now done for the season

Also been more active in my spiritual life.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
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PacLove Offline OP
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So W has been intermittently trying to engage me in R talk. For instance this morning she was saying how she's not sure she's capable of love as she can't trust anyone. (Came from her IC) but in the same discussion said how everyone needs love in their lives. Family, friends and spouse. Trying to validate but at the same time not get into arguments with her... She also said she doesnt know if she ever trusted me as she could never rely on me. Is this a good sign or just typical WW behavior? Should ok engage when she does or try and shut these conversations down?


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
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Quote:
I don't know about others but I find being kind and validating while trying to detach extremely difficult.


Perhaps your idea of the definition is somewhat different to the DBing definition. For example, most people who come to the board think detaching is pulling away and/or being cold. Some see validating to mean kissing a$$. Others think you have to be mean in order to enforce boundaries.

None of the above is true, if applied correctly. Look, I am the first to say that a man who has a WW needs to apply tough love. A WW is just like a rebellious teenager. The H has to be firm, but he doesn't and shouldn't be hateful, cold, or lose his cool. Just as a strong and loving father must establish boundaries for his rebellious teen.....and keep his emotions in tact, so does the H of a WW.

If she pulls you into to a R talk, then just let her do all the talking. Whatever you say she'll twist it, anyway. Listening is the best validation you can give a WW. But most men want to argue and try to change her mind. That only leads to a fight, or pushes her further out the door.

You guys are worried about not showing love, warmth, kindness, etc. What about the things in a ma that attract a woman? Why don't you think about those qualities? Not that there is anything wrong with the love and warmth thing, but I'm telling you that with a WW, you have to first let your strength and firmness be seen. She doesn't want a teddy bear, she wants a man who doesn't let her get by with treating him the way a WW treats her H. (She won't tell, so I will).

Once she sees the real man in you, then she will be attracted. When she is ready to do whatever it takes to save the M, you will have plenty of time for the warm fuzzes.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Nice reminder, Sandi.


11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker
Reconciling since late April 2016
Don't give up until it's time, then move on
Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
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PacLove Offline OP
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Definitely a good way to put it... so question, this weekend is my weekend with my D, but W has already made some references about coming by the house to do things together (work on the house). I reminded her it's my weekend and she responded that we don't need to be nasty to each other and can try and remain friendly.

How would have handled this? I believe she'll still try and come by this weekend - it's the first "real" length of time where she won't see D (from Thurs - Tues) and I know D will have a tough time with it too - I'm pretty sure she'll try and use her against me (she did last week once to come home one night to say good night - put me in an awkward spot after telling D that she'll be home on the phone).


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
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PacLove Offline OP
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I should also add - she got her self invited on my B-Day weekend at the end of the month after asking D if she wanted her to come or not... so now I look like the bad guy if she's not there.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
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PacLove Offline OP
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Been a few days since I posted... Wife's been in and out this week, definitely distancing herself emotionally but still wanting to be a part of our lives and has been taking care of D. She ended up sleeping in her room one night as she was working late until 2am and I guess didn't want to drive home.

She's also planning to stop by tonight to drop stuff off for D - I don't plan on being home when she does... it's not "her weekend" with D.

She also wants to come by the house over the weekend to help with an outdoor project we had planned. Part of me wants to tell her I'll take care of it myself, the other part of me sees it as an opportunity to work together and grow the connection. Just trying to figure out how to propose it.

Had a bit of a heart to heart last night with D, W didn't really explain the whole separation thing all that well 2 weeks ago (lied about seeing her every 2nd day) so I had to tell D last night she won't see Mommy probably until next week. She started to ask if she wanted to be part of the family and if we were going to get a Divorce... broke my heart.

Still have the Birthday weekend coming up next weekend which W wants to go on... I may question her reasons for really wanting to go if I see her this weekend.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
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PacLove Offline OP
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Posts: 386
Well I avoided W tonight and came home after she left, probably one of the toughest things I've done as I basically denied her seeing D and my D seeing her Mother. (D didn't know she was home) but still breaks my heart...

Looking forward to quality time with D over the weekend. Haven't heard from W since she left, believe she's staying with OM tonight (usually would have heard from her by now) :-(


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
P
PacLove Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 386
So frustrating... so D calls W to say goodnight, and W says she'll be home in 15 minutes to kiss her... what am I to do... she's totally taking advantage of D and using her as leverage.


Me: 40 W: 45
T: 13, M: 11
1 D: 9

Suspect A 6/15
ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16
EA/PA Discovered 3/16
EA admitted 3/16
W Moved out 4/16
W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
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