Starting to do things right?

[Cristy]

Hi Paclove,

I agree with Sandi 100%. Be patient. My best advice to to speak with your DB Coach about it.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[PacLove]

Sandi,

Thanks - definitely some good advice in her, I'm trying to be open and receptive but firm at the same time without giving in to anything. I don't want to appear controlling in the email as that is one of the things that has turned her away in the past.

I'll plan to hold of through the weekend and temp-check her as well, she's got the D this weekend (at the house) so will get to interact with her a bit unless I decide to take off for the weekend which I might. Also have a call scheduled with a DB coach this eve.

[PacLove]

So W made it easy on me I guess... when I brought up coming home after next week she said she had already extended her stay through my Birthday weekend... I was a little dissapointed in a way as I was looking forward to having her home, now I face the prospect of another 3 weeks of limbo and loneliness... I'm getting better - past 3 days haven't shed any tears and went away for the weekend to get out of the house.

She still reaches out mutiple times a day to me, usually something regarding D.

[sandi2]

now I face the prospect of another 3 weeks of limbo and loneliness

That is entirely up to you! They are your 3 weeks. You decide how to spend them.

[PacLove]

You are right, and I have many plans to keep me busy (Taxes amongst one of them :P) but in all seriousness I do have next weekend planned as well as evenings, but the mind wanders all to easily.

I also started to write to her daily, but letters I will probably never send her. It helps me express my emotions and feelings on a daily basis. Perhaps one day if we ever reconcile I may consider sharing these with her so she can fully realize what she has put me through. But that's perhaps a long way away.

[NYGal]

Patience. You're in for the long haul here. Detach. Don't make the same mistakes we've all made! Be kind, validate, but keep your boundaries! Not begging or pursuing.
Good luck!

[PacLove]

Thanks - yeah I'm avoiding the begging, pursuing - haven't done any of that at all. Boundaries are another matter however that I'm struggling with... I'm trying to be kind yet firm.

Last night I was all but convinced she was going to spend the night at OM near the city as she had to be there early for work... however when D called to say good night she asked if she can come by and kiss D goodnight, I allowed it to which she then later asked if she can crash at home as she had to get up early and take the train in the city and our place is closer to the train station then her temporary accommodation.

I reluctantly agreed as I'd much rather know she's at home vs. potentially at OM's place. I think that was her original plan based on what she had packed in her bag, but time of month + work late probably dissuaded her from it.

She was really stressed staying at home - barely slept. Clearly her mind is foggy.

[NYGal]

It's ok to be nice to our spouses. Be kind. Be detached. Validate.

[PacLove]

I don't know about others but I find being kind and validating while trying to detach extremely difficult. Even my W us picking up on it. She's home tonight and I said it's best if she sleeps in the other room and she starts questioning me why.... I guess I shouldn't have let her the other night. I need to be consistent too.

[roist]

Stop mind reading. You have no idea what she is thinking.Hell maybe she doesn't even know.

Don't show those letters to her and don't let her find them. She will run for the hills. Plus right now whether you are going through hell or not is nothing to her. It will not influence her in your favour. If they help you, by all means keep writing them. It is a good way to release some pent up emotions.

Detaching is not easy. That is for sure but it is independent of being kind and validating. Reread the detachment threads. Being cold etc will not help you.

It is OK to tell her why. IMO. But yes consistency is the key