The sorrow of it all

[Painter]

Thank you, melo.

Maybe you are right. I just don't know anymore. I'm contemplating reporting everything to her command. There is suspicion of inappropriate contact with enlisted, too. I'm also contemplating telling her family. I'm sick of her spinning things making me look like the bad guy and having them question my parenting.

I wouldn't tell her family unless they ask.

It does concern me that she sent pictures of your children to a man - is this the same one you describe when you said she seeks out the pattern from her childhood? I would be very protective of those children if that guy is abusive...

If you know she has an A with someone she's not supposed to fraternize with, as you supposed to report it?

[mutatio]

Jeep I change my advice from my thread for you. Painter's is right. Georgia Bulldogs advice is very good.

You can't fix her. Take care of yourself and your children. Play your cards close to the vest and present it all to the judge. I would continue to gather evidence to support your case.

My wife had a EA/PA and I tried to put it behind me but it popped back into my mind when circumstance reminded me of it. I trusted her again but I never forget. Be strong

[Dawgs]

Thank you, painter!

I am beyond livid that she sent pics of our kids to him. Know what her excuse was? "it was about me, not them." I mean WTF??? She isn't in her right mind and she has so many issues. But yes, he fits that pattern of the stereotypical bad guy - has a criminal record and is a pill popping abuser.

I told her that he won't ever come around them. The unfortunate thing is, there isn't too much legally I can do unless I can prove safety concerns.

She isn't supposed to fraternize at all. And officers are held to a higher standard than enlisted. She was a director and head of the clinic when this happened. I still may do it after the divorce and child support has been established.

[Dawgs]

Mutatio,

I think as of now I won't say much unless directly asked. I am trying to gather evidence but it's getting much harder now, and given that she now lives in FL it makes it that much harder. II could have sworn I caught a glimpse of her bedroom door shutting she the kids were face timing her the other day. Damn.

I have tried to forget it, but her attitude and saying that there wasn't a dang thing that I could have done about and basically flaunting it in my face sticks in my mind. It's wasn't that she said oh look I'm screwing him, it's more like she wasn't concerned about getting caught.

[CWOL]

She isn't supposed to fraternize at all. And officers are held to a higher standard than enlisted. She was a director and head of the clinic when this happened. I still may do it after the divorce and child support has been established.

If she is still in the military, can't you report her to her commander for the affair? They will investigate and order her to separate, and thus keep the OM away from you kids?

[tfish08]

or they will cover her butt depending on her relationship with her command. I would gather info first and then do it.

[1gr8dad]

Honest question for all those on here who have had their spouses cheat - can you really get over it and trust them again - to the point you did 100% before?

There will likely be a subjective answer to this question for each person in this sitch. For me, I realize the A was a side-effect of a marriage breakdown which I had a large part in. We both had our parts in destroying our M.

I've read about many couple who have survived infidelity but it's a lot of work involved.

Regardless, I'm not even at the point of considering whether I could forgive her or not. Honestly I'm not there; my first priority is to heal from the pain. I'm enslaved to this pain and it's like poison eating away at my core.

For healing I've used meditation and journeying.
Today I also heard about the Love or Healing letter:

THE HEALING LETTER

One of the ways people waste their minds is in the endless tape loops of negative emotions. You know, the worrying, arguing and complaining that keeps repeating in our heads like a broken record. Shakti Gawain explains that they really aren’t negative; we just make them negative by repressing them. She said "That’s a very dangerous thing to do... That’s how we get stuck. So I’m very much a believer in accepting all of your feelings... and that involves feeling your sadness, feeling your anger, feeling your grief, feeling your fear, all of those things... We do this in order to heal ourselves and get in touch with our selves."

Your journal is a safe place to express your feelings. Writing out your angry, sad, fearful or guilty feelings can give you a tremendous sense of relief, and lessen the urge to express these feelings with words and actions. I call this writing a healing letter. The first time I wrote a healing letter was when I attended John Gray’s Heart to Heart workshop in 1983. At the time, he called them "love letters" and later, in his books, "feeling letters." I didn't think it would help me much. But I was surprised, when I actually sat down and wrote it, at how much better I felt immediately. While it’s nice to be understood by someone else, and it is nice to be able to make a point in an argument with someone, a healing letter is only written for you. It releases the thoughts and feelings that you have stored in your heart, and lets you move on with your life. It is truly a gift you give yourself.

The beauty of healing letters is that they give you the opportunity to express everything you have been holding in your heart, what you have left unsaid. In our lives, there are many times when we leave things unsaid. Sometimes, it’s because we can't think of a good response at the time. At other times, it’s because the person left without giving us a chance to respond. And there are times we don’t think our opinion is worth speaking, or we don’t want to burden someone who already has enough on his or her mind. Whatever the reason, we often find that we have something to say to someone, but that person isn't available.

You can write healing letters to any person. It doesn't matter if they are dead, if they don't want to talk to you, or if you have lost touch with them, because you don’t send the letter to them. The person could be someone you've never met, like an ex-president or it could be a group, like the faceless bureaucracy of a government agency. The person might be someone who is part of your daily life, who you would never hurt by expressing your unbridled feelings. By writing out your feelings, you allow yourself to release them without dumping on the other person.

I suggest you write a healing letter whenever you’re angry. It will help you to release your anger and associated sadness, fear and remorse. Don't let these feelings build up inside of you. It reduces your ability to love with your whole heart and limits your capacity for joy! John Gray writes that "The purpose of a feeling letter is not to dump resentment, judgement, and criticism on your partner. It is not written to try to change them or correct them, nor to point out their inadequacies. If used in this way, it will not work. The feeling letter works only when it is written for you to feel more loving."

Now, you may have several people in mind to whom you want to write a healing letter. For example, a parent, sibling or spouse or ex-spouse who has hurt you. Or somebody like a friend who didn’t invite you to a party or didn’t show up at your party. If you’re having trouble feeling angry, just close your eyes and visualize the incident and relive it. The following explains the healing letter and makes writing one very easy.

In Chapter 3 of my book I explain that any inner work should begin with a tube of light. So it would be good to give a tube of light before writing a healing letter. Also, those who are under the care of a therapist or counselor should do it only with their consent and direction since healing letters can bring up a lot of strong emotions.

Begin the healing letter by writing out your anger and resentment. There’s no need to be polite, tactful or to hold back anything. LET IT ALL OUT. At some point you will notice a shift in feelings from rage to hurt. Now write down all your feelings of sadness. Then all you fears. If the feelings intensify it means that you are finally allowing yourself to experience them and you can let them go. But before we can let them go completely you have to take responsibility for your role in the situations that caused the anger, hurt and fear. So you express remorse. Step into the other person's shoes. How did you look to that person? Did you do or say anything that you regret? It is important now to say everything so you won't feel guilty in the future. Confess your shortcomings, and the things that you wish had turned out better. Finally, you close by expressing positive feelings of love, appreciation, respect, understanding, acceptance, caring and trust. Even if you don’t feel any love for that person, you can express gratitude because he or she has been a teacher in your life. You have learned a lot from this interaction. Take a few minutes to write about what you have learned. Think about how your life is different now that you have had this experience. Dr. Wayne Dyer speaks about the deep gratitude he has for his father who abandoned him because it forced him to become strong and self-reliant.

Write your feelings in a way that will help the other person understand how to support you. As in the dialogue game of softball, write "I felt hurt when you..." or "I would feel better if you..." instead of "you did such and such." It is best that you write out your letter straight through in one sitting so give yourself a good amount of time, about one hour, when you can sit down and write without interruption. When you are finished with the healing letter, it is essential that you write out a response. Just write what you would like the other person to say in reply to your letter, the apologies, forgiveness, understanding, support and love you need to hear. Write what you would like the other person to do to make amends. It doesn’t matter that he or she will never read it and probably wouldn’t make amends if they did. Just imagining it can help heal the pain. Use the following as a guide to organizing your feelings. Write out the lead-in phrases for each feeling and then complete the sentence. You can use all the lead-in phrases or just one over and over. Use the one or ones that helps you the most in expressing your feelings.

Dear ,

ANGER

I hate...I feel resentful...I feel exasperated...I feel offended...I feel bitter...I feel furious...I want...

SADNESS

It hurts me..I feel disappointed...I feel so sad...I feel unhappy...It’s so depressing...I wish...

FEAR

It’s so painful...I’m worried...I feel afraid...I need...

REMORSE

I apologize...I am so sorry...I feel embarrassed...I feel ashamed...I hope...I am willing...

LOVE, GRATITUDE, FORGIVENESS

I love...I am grateful...I realize...I would like...I forgive...

Love,

___________

THE RESPONSE LETTER

The response letter should include:

1. Apologies written in a way that makes you feel heard and understood.

2. Validating statements that express compassion for your feelings.

3. Loving statements that express praise, appreciation and acknowledgment of what you deserve.

4. Anything else you need to hear to feel better.



After writing your healing letter and response, it would be good to read them out loud with feeling. Imagine that the person is right there with you. Most people find this to be more healing than just writing because writing is a mental exercise, but speaking connects them with their heart.

After writing and reading your healing letter, you must decide what you are going to do with it. Even though you are not going to mail it, there are several options.

Some people like to keep their healing letters as part of their journal. If you want to keep your letter, you must decide where you are going to write it. You may want to write your letter as a journal entry. Or, you may want to use stationary to make it feel more like a real letter, and then staple or glue the letter inside your journal.

If you don't want to keep your letter, you have several options for releasing it.

You can leave your letter at a significant place. You can hide it under a rock on a tombstone. You can place it on a page in the Bible with a significant quote such as Matthew 5:44. Or you might take your letter to a special place that you shared with the person you wrote to. Just be aware that with this type of release, your letter is more likely to be discovered by another person.

You can throw the finished letter in the trash. This option doesn't feel right to me because the letter contains thoughts and feelings from you heart. It would be like throwing part of your self into a garbage pail.

You can bury your letter. This is more preferable. Your feelings in the letter no longer have any power over you; they’re dead. So the logical thing to do is bury the letter.

You can cast your letter into the sea. If you live near an ocean you can drive to the beach and walked out on a pier to send healing letters to the bottom of the ocean. If you don’t, use a stream or a lake.

You can burn your letter. This, I feel is the best option just as I feel cremation is the best method of releasing a body. I don’t have to worry that someone will find it and I can see it turn to ashes. This gives me a sense of resolution. I watch the letter burn, and see the smoke carry my thoughts and feelings to heaven. Just be careful when burning letters that you don't start a fire! You can use a fireplace or barbecue grill safely, but be cautious about using something as small as a ashtray.

Whatever you decide to do with your letters, I recommend that you make a ritual out of releasing them. After all, they contain your heartfelt feelings, which deserve the utmost respect. Spend a few minutes before you release your letters to relax and feel the feelings leaving your heart. Send them out with any sort of prayers you feel are appropriate. I recommend giving at least 15 minutes of Violet Flame while visualizing sparks of violet flame flying from your heart to the heart of the one you have forgiven.

Can you write a healing letter to yourself? Yes, you can have your inner child write one to your inner parent. The inner child can write out its anger, sadness and fear at being abandoned, but instead of the inner child writing remorse and love, the inner parent would do that in the response letter. I find it helpful to switch hands when I’m expressing my inner child. I’m right-handed so I use my left hand. The words and sentences are short and scribbled just like a child’s and this helps me get into the role of the inner child.

[Dawgs]

If she is still in the military, can't you report her to her commander for the affair? They will investigate and order her to separate, and thus keep the OM away from you kids?

Oh she is still in and sitting pretty. The thing is, as my lawyer put it, if I were to report her the best case scenario for her would be a demotion and reduction in pay, plus the shame - and the navy nursing community is very small.

However, given the fact that she was high ranking, and a director (ie, head of the clinic) and there was inappropriate contact in her office with a man not her husband who was a contractor that did work for her in her building (the OM) , her career will be sunk. Totally. Which means much much less in child support from her (keep in mind, I gave up a great career to move with her when we got married). And then there is the whole suspected fraternization with enlisted but I don't have solid proof but hearsay.

If it weren't for the kids, I would sink her ass. She is unfit for command and I fully believe that she should be booted. She had no concern for her career because she knows of the consequences.

As far as the OM, I talked to him once and told him if he ever came near my kids I'd break his legs.

[Dawgs]

or they will cover her butt depending on her relationship with her command. I would gather info first and then do it.

^This

I have given that a lot of thought. She was the golden child of some. But I have a plan for that. It will be kind of hard to deny and cover up she a picture of her performing oral will be sent to many higher ups. As my lawyer said, she was stupid to allow herself to be photographed. I also have some friends who could make life very interesting for her...

[mutatio]

Don't act from emotion. Think it through, work the problem logically. This is high stakes chess where the kids are the goal. Your goal is to say checkmate. Friends actions will be pinned on you. Don't play pin the tail on the donkey. If your friends screw up your the donkey and she could get the kids. Work the problem, set the trap, lay the bait and wait patiently.