The sorrow of it all

[Dawgs]

It's been quite some time since I have posted on here. It's the eve of an appointment that's going to change my life forever.

Looking back on the last 10 years of my life, and failed marriage, I've come to many realizations. For 10 years she was my everything - and my best friend. I realize that at times I wasn't the best husband and looking back I see what I could have changed. But also, looking back, I see that the blame truly doesn't lie with me. I never knew of my wife's history (childhood abuse - those who are familiar with my story know her past well) until after she mentioned divorce. To hold that in for 10 years and not tell me is beyond tragic.

I've come to the conclusion - due to her past and issues - that she wasn't cut out for married life and the trials and tests that go along with it. I just never knew of any of it until too late. I've also come to the realization that had I known back in the beginning I still would have married her. I also know that things would be much different now. That in itself taught me the valuable lesson - to always be upfront and never hide what might be self-thought as a skeleton...it wasn't her fault.

Recently, I was contacted by one of her inner circle down in Florida. This family friend of hers (who I will call H)is aware of our situation and I guess had had enough and wanted to tell me a few things. One of the biggest kicks in the gut was what she told me - that the only reason my son (and subsequently my daughter) was born was to keep from being deployed. As ya'll in the know are aware, my W's sister and I don't exactly see eye to eye. This family friend also told me of how from the beginning of our dating that she was in my W's ear against me (she was present during much of this). Some of the things the SIL said were horrible but untrue. Now, the SIL and my W are living it up - it almost seems as if they are trying to recapture their younger days or something equally as absurd. H told me that the first few years my W really did love me, but As time passed, her demons took hold. I know its a she said/she said kind of thing, but what I was told makes sense and rings true when thinking back.

I know there is no going back and repairing this marriage. I'm standing in front of the door marked 'single' and am too afraid to open it. I don't recognize my W any more. She is no longer the care-free, loving person that I knew and loved so much. Looking back, I see the evolution of her change over time but at the time I didn't recognize it. Oh well. A very painful lesson learned.

I'm at the point now where I can't stand the sight of her. Yet, at the same time, there is a part of me that still loves her. How silly is that? During our recent kid exchange, she wouldn't even look me in the eye. She is getting more than a little crazy concerning the kids and this upcoming battle will get hairy. Very hairy.

I've been in a hole for the past while. Each kick in the gut is getting harder to recover from. When I was able to bounce back to my feet quickly, I find myself struggling to get back to my knees. And the 'single' door is looming in front of me.

I've also come to the realization that I have hurt and pushed people away during all of this. I'm not proud of my actions and regret them. There are those on here that I turned away and if you read this, please know that I am truly sorry. I'm not making any excuses. I know I let things take control of me. I lost out on so many things during this god forsaken time I am in. I truly am sorry.

All I have now are my kids. I'm making/waiting on my W to tell them. I won't be part of destroying their happiness. Ugh. I hate my life now. I'm scared of what lies on the other side of that door. And I can't be a part time Dad who will only get to see my children as dictated by the courts.

She is going full throttle on divorce. There is evidence of either another OM, or the original is back in the picture. Oh well.

Maybe one day I'll find my feet again.

[Cristy]

Hello Jeep74,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

You are the only one that can decide if there is no going back to try to repair your marriage. Put all of your time, effort and energy into being the best Jeep74 and Dad on the planet. Focusing on yourself and your kids in a positive way will help you find your feet again.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Melo]

Hey Jeep, maybe that door says opportunity. Opportunity to be a better man. Opportunity to forgive yourself for past mistakes. Opportunity to search for your own meaning in life, on your terms. Opportunity to show your kids the right way to react to adversity. Single, Married, Divorced...those are just labels don't let them define you.

[Dawgs]

Thanks for the reply, Cristy!

I know the marriage is past saving at this point. There isn't any thing I can do but to put one foot in front of the other. During my abscence from this board, I discovered that for almost a year she was involved in an affair, although I'm not sure of when it crossed over to a PA. None of that concerns me anymore. That trust was so utterly destroyed that I am not sure it can ever be rebuilt. And I hate to say that it has turned me into a non-trusting person altogether. I'm left very bitter by the whole experience. I want to believe that here are good people out there, but how can one trust when the very person the swore their life to did such a thing? I have come across evidence of inappropriate contact (others) going back 5 years.

I may have been able to forgive the PA, but not when she got our kids involved. Not when she sent him pics of our kids. Not when she took pictures of her genitals and sent them to him while the kids were in the next room. That's unforgivable.

I don't even know who I am any more. Even after I discovered all of that I still clung to a sliver of hope. The fact that she was carrying on the A even while in MC and saying that we were working on us, that during this time there isn't anyone else, etc, has shaken me to my foundation. I used to believe in people, but not so much anymore.

I just got off the phone with her family friend, "H". Seems that all my W ever dated was the bad guy type. One would think that after all the abuse she suffered even into adulthood from that same type, that she wouldn't return to them. But she did in her A partner. H told me that I was different than all the others due to being a normal, nice guy. I was her knight. But over time, she missed that drama and created it on her own.

Where there once was love and compassion in my heart, there is nothing but hate. She broke my legs and I have even learned how to walk again. I'm not sure I even care to anymore, to be honest. Guess I'm a little jaded now.

Honest question for all those on here who have had their spouses cheat - can you really get over it and trust them again - to the point you did 100% before?

[Dawgs]

Thank you, melo.

Maybe you are right. I just don't know anymore. I'm contemplating reporting everything to her command. There is suspicion of inappropriate contact with enlisted, too. I'm also contemplating telling her family. I'm sick of her spinning things making me look like the bad guy and having them question my parenting.

[Dawgs]

Hello everyone.

I'd never thought I'd be the one to file. I really don't know how I feel about it, to be honest. I could forgive an EA, but I draw the line at PA. There isn't any need for anyone to kid themselves - by the time the A happens, the marriage is long gone. If it weren't, the A wouldn't have happened.

Anyway, after a lot of reflection, I feel as if this marriage was nothing but a fraud or sham. The reason I say this is because she never told - or even hinted at - me of the abuse she suffered going back to when she was in her early childhood. Something to which I was only made aware of after the BD. How can it be a true and honest marriage if things like that were never revealed? She said that I should have known how to do things - but one can't miss the cracks if one doesn't know they are there.

But even after all that, I'm still torn. For 10 years she was not only my best friend, but everything I thought was right. The sad thing is, I never knew so many things. As much as it bothers me to say this, I'm not quite so sure the level of hate is unrecoverable. I do know that it's because of the kids that I don't hit send and ruin her world. Maybe she needs that, but I know the kids don't. They still believe in her. I mean, she isn't a total bad mom, but she definitely doesn't deserve them.

I find it a struggle to just to smile. The coming fight is going to be something I'm not looking for. I don't want to destroy her, but I'm afraid that may happen. For some silly, stupid reason I still have a soft spot for her.

But I do know that she has created a non- trusting monster in me. I don't know how I got to this place, and I don't like it. I'm not sure That part will ever return. For 10years I hung onto what she said and believed it all. And now I look at how everything was a lie. It's almost like fraud was committed, and that is a most bothersome thing indeed.

[Dawgs]

I miss my wife.

As crazy as it sounds, I do. Today has not been an easy one. Had to go through some old pics for my kid's schools which brought back a lot of memories. Funny thing, I find myself wanting her again even after all she has done.

But at the same time I realize that our marriage is done and never will return in any form. Although I didn't set her bed on fire, she believes I did. As painful as this has been, what probably is the most painful of all is the feeling of our marriage being a fraud. I call it a fraud because it's like I never knew a whole side of my W, just what she wanted me to see and only told me of her abusive past after BD.

I had a conversation with a very, very close mutual friend who is in even more shock than I. She honestly feels that my W is two different people - one who shows what she thinks everyone wants to see (ie, the good, sweet little angel who does no wrong); and the one who has a much deeper and darker side. Interesting thing is, my W hasn't contacted her or responded to any messages since all of this went down. It's funny how people who she called close are starting to contact me over this.

Now I am facing a lot of anger and hatred from her. She said she can't stand being here around me. Ugh. My IC - who also saw us as a MC - feels that she is so angry because I caught her and found out her dark side. That seems to fit, too. Saying that I don't recognize her is an understatement. She has gone from being such a seemingly good person to this. She would rather go out with her sister than have the kids come down to see her on a Friday night, yet she complains about time with them.

So here I am. Filing was the hardest thing I have ever done. Even after the lies and betrayals, part still wants to believe that somewhere deep inside is the person I married. See, I hold the corner on crazy spouse. And she has destroyed my trust in people. Damn. I guess part of me will always love her, no matter how far she falls.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I would recommend consulting an attorney and strategizing your divorce to the fullest extent possible. If she's basically moved out and given you, for the most part, primary custody of the kids for the time being it might probably behoove you to delay filing for divorce as long as possible while more firmly establishing yourself as the primary parent more and more everyday.

You didn't give your wife a glowing report as a parent previous to being wayward so now that she's far far down the wayward path...she is no longer a suitable parent and the more custody of your children you can obtain the more you can shelter and protect them from her abuse and selfish entitled wayward thought process that will not likely ever go away (unless she turns and repents which doesn't sound likely).

You shouldn't wait for your wife to tell the children that "mommy and daddy just don't love each other anymore but both of you love them forever and forever and everything will be fine after the divorce". Instead they are old enough to be told the truth so they know it had nothing to do with them (kids are narcissists and always think it has something to do with something they did or didn't do). You should tell them by yourself and NOT with your wife by your side and you need to tell them first that you are divorcing because mom has had several other boyfriends during your marriage and that is not acceptable in marriage and wrong and even though you tried very hard to reconcile and forgive their mother, their mother never apologized or stopped dating other men so divorce is the only option. Apologize to them for not having told them the truth previously but that you also were ashamed and embarrassed about their mother's behavior. Own that you weren't perfect in the marriage either (though you didn't leave or cheat) and that they can count on you to tell them the 100% absolute truth (in an age appropriate manner) whenever they have questions or concerns. There will be no more lying in YOUR home.

Your wife (soon to be ex-wife) can get mad or bent all she wants but the truth is the truth and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It would be very typical for her to then try to spill any and all of your secrets that she knows in a vindictive effort to balance the blame or otherwise make you at fault and it's very important for you to reinforce your claim that you will, from here forward speak the truth and if what she says is true...you acknowledge it and own it while indicating that although you made mistakes and don't claim perfection....your errors and negligence do not excuse or justify their mothers continuing affairs and you remain willing to reconcile if she stops cheating (which she's not going to this far down the road but you need/want to model for your children the concepts of forgiveness AND appropriate boundaries wherein you don't have to maintain a relationship (or marriage) with someone that abuses you.

Google things like "telling children about the affair" or phrases like that for more direction and advice in articles writing by actual professionals. Even the wayward wife "Dr". Laura has a rant somewhere about why you need to tell the children the truth.

Jeep - you have been now nominated and appointed your children's sole responsible moral incorrupt parent. It's not what you wanted but it's now your lot. Fight carefully and strategically to protect them to the greatest extent possible from her morally bankrupt existence.

[Dawgs]

Thank you, Georgia Bulldogs! (Great school by the way - graduated from there!)

I had to go ahead and pull the trigger on filing for two reasons - that she was preparing to (her lawyer contacted mine) and also I had to do it before I lost jurisdiction ( only lasts for six months after she moved out of state) so it could be kept local. I haven't given her the paperwork as of yet, though.

One of the hardest things is that the children (ages 6 and 4) totally believe in her. Totally. She wasn't the best mom but I truthfully think she tries. I just think she is basing so much off of her childhood that she doesn't know how to be a great one. My lawyer says they call her type "Disney moms" because it seems she wants the fun with them but not the work (recall that she wants them in FL for three wknds a month and all breaks. For some reason she refused us coming to her new station in FL.

I've already established that I am the primary caregiver. I got notes/references from teachers/doctors/neighbors/coaches/etc stating that I'm the one who brings them to everything, attends all events, etc (she only attended 5 things in the 3 years she was here - and she claimed she didn't have time to come due to the hour's drive from her base, although she had time to screw him, right?). So that part has been proven. I will do my best to protect them and shelter them as best I can.

I have been talking with my IC on how/when to tell them. I think I will take them into a few sessions and go from there.

[GWH]

Good job Jeep. It's about you, and your children now, and your handling it great.