LED, you are doing a great job at being patient. It is so difficult sometimes to not want all of the answers, all of the info on what H is doing. But the sad fact is, even if we know who the call is to, we don't know the content. If we knew the content, we don't know the intention. If we knew the intention, we don't know his true feelings. If we knew his true feelings at the moment of the call, they may have already changed a minute later.
I still screw up and ask questions and kick myself later. I still wonder what my H is doing or if he is telling me the truth. The fact is...this is why we work on detaching. To keep ourselves off of the crazy-go-round (its not very merry). It all doesn't really matter anyway. DB til you see signs either way. Then DB some more. Its all about patience. You are doing great with that.
Sometimes, picking up the dirty laundry is our job. And sometimes laying his stinky clothes and underwear right on his pillow gets the point across that he forgot to be a big boy and pick them up himself.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thanks! I still waiver on being strong...it is against my nature to not talk about things. The last time he moved out and I didn't give him the time of day.
It is harder to do at home...I don't want him to leave, don't get me wrong. My D10 and D14 are also always around and I am trying to act as normal as possible for them because they don't know anything yet. D14 has asked me a couple of questions but nothing serious.
I am a worrier...and worry gets me no where. I am projecting scenarios that are not real. I know I need to live 5 minutes at a time...
right now, I am married and nothing has happened to change that. I also know H...he does what he wants. If H really wanted out he would have left. That is when I know being patient and not bringing up R or OW is the healthy thing to do. Why would I aid him in making decision that portrays me as a nag??
Thank God for these boards...I appreciate all of your advice. It makes me feel so not alone.
We are fixers and we want to fix them and their situations....we can't! That's their job to fix themselves. We want answers and there are times when the answers will not drop into our laps until we sit quietly and wait patiently and that's when they will appear. It's human nature to want to know things, but there are times when we will not be able to figure things out and again, have to wait patiently for those things.
Come here to talk, but do not talk to him about the ow and/or the relationship right now. I know you are worried, but worry only gives you ulcers and makes things worse for you on the inside. We have a tendency to over analyze stuff, try to mind read and yes, even come up w/scenarios of what is or isn't going on. I've been there done that many years ago. So, the last time around you didn't give him the time of day. Unfortunately w/him at home, it's a bit difficult to do so, but you can treat him just as you have your girls. He's a teenager right now and he's going to do whatever it takes to make himself feel better.
Have you read Hawho's threads? If not, you should. She's got an adult teenager living in her home w/her two sons. She's had her ups and downs, but she's busted on and is doing very well w/her husband living in his stinky dorm room.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I also know that my projections and over analysis of what he is doing and how he is acting and what is going to happen is probably much worse than reality.
H has a meeting tonight at 6:30. He never comes home from work first...driving opposite directions. He gets out of work around 5.
Why can't I let that go today? Will he be with OW? As far as I know because I pushed him and he told me, they have been to lunch twice...otherwise that it is phone calls.
Get a rubber band and place it on your wrist. Snap that band every time you think about him and what he's doing. I can promise you, if you snap it hard enough, you'll forget about him and focus on that sting.
So, he says he has a meeting this evening. He may or may not have a meeting. He could be playing mind games w/you to see if you'll take the bait and say something. He could be working late, going to the gym, another counseling session, meeting up w/friends. But, whatever he's doing, it's of no concern to you right now. The less you appear interested in what he's doing, the sooner he may start to tell you what he's doing.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. I think the fear of the unknown is going to drive you nuts unless you find something else to focus on. There's nothing you can do about his meeting or who he is meeting up with even if you had the info except worry that much more. Drop the rope a bit and keep the focus on you and your girls. Watch those finances and the bank book!
You have to start looking at him as a wayward adult teenager right now and yes, they do tend to pluck your nerve and patience as they attempt to grow up. The less you say right now, the better and trust me, when you don't appear interesting in their comings and goings, the more apt they are to start being Chatty Cathys.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I knew I could count on you to slap me silly!! I know for a fact he has a meeting. That is a definite. The surrounding ideas are all in my head. You are right...I am going to drive myself crazy.
I will vent here and to my friend and sister. I did tell my MIL what is happening because she asked because she could tell things were off. She wants to talk to H but the opportunity hasn't happened. My parents know nothing yet. I feel like if the time comes to tell them then that is the line in the sand. They stood by me 10 yrs ago and will not take this lightly at all. I guess right now I am trying to protect my marriage the best I can. I hope this isn't enabling him. Being disinterested in him is the right thing to do...just not my nature. I feel like it could push him closer to OW because I am not asking how his day was or this or that.
I will go to the gym later, take D to swim, enjoy dinner with my kids and then try to relax. My dr gave me a prescription for anxiety meds over a year ago and I have never taken one. If my insides continue I may need too. Again, not a med taker.
Job, I knew I could count on you to slap me silly!! I know for a fact he has a meeting. That is a definite. The surrounding ideas are all in my head. You are right...I am going to drive myself crazy. I will vent here and to my friend and sister. I did tell my MIL what is happening because she asked because she could tell things were off. She wants to talk to H but the opportunity hasn't happened. My parents know nothing yet. I feel like if the time comes to tell them then that is the line in the sand. They stood by me 10 yrs ago and will not take this lightly at all. I guess right now I am trying to protect my marriage the best I can. I hope this isn't enabling him. Being disinterested in him is the right thing to do...just not my nature. I feel like it could push him closer to OW because I am not asking how his day was or this or that.
LED .... some friendly advice here. This chitty-Sitch can and will consume you if you let it. The problem with focusing on the issue is in part, we focus ... pull out the magnifying glass and the issue becomes bigger ... FOR US. Its all we can think about, talk about, dream about .... what he is doing/where/with who/ all of that is wasted energy by you. This energy is extremely valuable and you need to pull it all in, channel it into what YOU can CONTROL .... yourself. He will do as he will, nothing you can do/say will stop this ... I would STRONGLY advise you only to vent here, not with your friends, family, in-laws as it is not going to help later down the road. Nor is you continuing the "LOOK AT WHAT HE IS DOING" war chants ... he will only blame you for ruined relationships .. or that he is no longer comfortable with these people in his life and burrow deeper in the tunnel. Its not about score, who can get the family on whose side ... it is a crisis and no one but your H can walk it. Let this realls sink in ... you have NO CONTROL over this part of your life and it probably scares you ... let this play out as it will.
Originally Posted By: LED22
I will go to the gym later, take D to swim, enjoy dinner with my kids and then try to relax. My dr gave me a prescription for anxiety meds over a year ago and I have never taken one. If my insides continue I may need too. Again, not a med taker.
Reading what I have ... you may want to take a look at this .. maybe IC ... I know I was not a person who would ever think of IC but it gave me a place to dig deep and vent about the core fears I had .... looking back that was a turning point in my growth.
I am going to counseling. I have an appt tonight. I said nothing last night when he got home from his meeting...I was half- asleep anyway. I think at one point he told me to stop snoring and I said sorry...I think his response was don't be sorry...can't remember.
I am trying to let a lot go...the wedding ring off and away is bothering me but ring or no ring he is going to do what he wants. He is being a baby..."I don't want to be married, so I am not going to wear the ring" I will think of it as a piece of jewelry.
I know letting this consume me is all me. I hate that I can't get my mind to stop. I am putting everything under a microscope even the time he left home depot that I saw on the receipt to gauge how long he had before his meeting.
I have not had R talks since the weekend and have no intention of it unless he comes to me. For his 50th I bought us tickets to see a show...the show is this Sunday and I offered to sell the tix and he said no we would go. We also have Mother's Day plans at his parents with both our families.
good morning, H told his parents last night he doesn't want to be married and wanted to move out by the end of the month. He did not tell them about ow.
H also informed me that he is looking at an apt tonight. I told him the money is not there to do it and we need to look at finances instead of him "believing me". I told him this had to be done tonight because I can't lose anymore sleep over this...it is affecting my who personality, job, etc...
I feel so disrespected. I am going to go over finances and try to keep it at a business deal. I am going to tell him to move downstairs and we will reevaluate in 30 days. I am not going to bring up ow. His actions are speaking louder than his words. He tells me there is nothing going on but I don't believe it.
Yes, I fear the unknown but this limbo is making me sick. How do I handle later??? I hate knowing he is looking at an apt but I can't control it. He said he is just looking. I have a feeling it will be a dump and it is in a not great area...I certainly don't want my kids playing outside!! Time will tell...
