Hi, I was on this forum about 10 yrs ago when my husband left me and had an A. We were separated for 6 mos and he filed for divorce. We then reconciled. ten years later (as he is about to turn 50) here I am again. I got suspicious about a month ago when he told me he wasn't happy and wanted to be alone. I looked at his phone records and saw many times/minutes to the same number...I then checked his facebook and found a series of messages from his ex high school girlfriend! Some were flirtatious in nature. I called him out on all of it. He told me he wasn't happy and wanted to be alone but was not thinking of divorce. I told him the OW was a distraction and the communication needs to stop. He said ok. About a week later, he said he had talked to her but not as much...calling from work I am assuming. Then he changed his tune and told me he was not giving up on our marriage and family. Things were better, my trust is shot but I was working on it. Last week she texted him. I asked him about it and he said he called her to tell her to stop. I asked to see the texts and he said he deletes them (duh...). I got suspicious this weekend when he was late coming home from golf...sure enough a 45 min call...he called her. We get along fine, we go out and we have a healthy sex life. He tells me he loves me. I need advice: do I let him know I saw the phone call from Sat? I think he is probably expecting me to check the phone records and call him on it. maybe I should do the opposite? Do I act as if nothing is happening? He is home, and that is different from the last time. Last week when I discovered the texts, we had an argument. The next morning I told him I was going to take his word that he wasn't going to communicate with her and I would take his word that he was committed to our marriage....and then BAM...calls her on Saturday. I don't want my kids to have to go through all this. They were too young the last time to remember. What do I do?
Wow......sorry you are back here. May I ask, how old are your kids? And how old are you?
My story was similar. My ex had an affair in his early 40's. I DBd my butt off and we reconciled; things were actually quite good for a few years after that. But as my ex approached 50 (and sustained the final 2 of his 6 concussions) he went down the MLC rabbit hole for good and we divorced.
I'm several years past it now, have a good life and a loving boyfriend. And I've acquired some insights about my ex and my marriage with distance:
- 3 strikes and you're out. My ex cheated early in the marriage, and again about 16 years in. When he finally left after 24 years (and involving himself again with other women to some unknown extent) I realized that this time, there really wasn't anything he could do that would cause me to trust him again.
- it took some time, but I gradually realized my ex has narcissistic tendencies and always did. I worked overtime trying to keep him happy, while he wasn't willing to go out of his way.
- it was tough on my kids even though the youngest was 17 when it happened.
I don't know exactly what course will be right for you. But I'm pretty sure that being a doormat while he continues flirting isn't the right direction .
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thanks KML. I am 44, he will be 50 in May. Our daughters are 14 and 10 and I have two stepsons, 23 and 20 from his first marriage. My 20 SS lives with us and I have been his "mom" since he has no communication with his biological mother. The first A happened just after 40 yrs old with a girl from work. He changed completely...dyed his hair, went tanning, gold chains,got fired from 3 jobs, not much communication with me or the kids. This time is different. I truly think he is struggling internally with age...every time he has a conversation he talks about being old. I can see the draw of the high school GF...nostalgia is a drug. There hasn't been any more FB messages and he hasn't changed his password so he isn't hiding anything there.
I know he knows I check the phone bill...so I think ignoring the call from the weekend is my best bet. I can't tell if it is test because I told him I would take his word, or if he wants to talk and doesn't know how to go about it. My H is a man of very few words. It has taken me years to realize that "OK" as a response is a good thing. I am not going to talk R unless he brings it up. I am not going to argue for my sake. I have taken up the gym again so my nervous energy comes out there...
I dusted off my DB book and am re-reading it.
Last night I was normal but not overly chatty...At bedtime he gave me a kiss goodnight and said goodnight but no "I love you"...I said goodnight and went to bed. This morning when he left for work he gave me and the girls kisses goodbye and said "I love you all". I responded with "Love you too". I figure if he didn't want to say it he wouldn't. Lately, I am always the one to say it first and I stopped because I don't want him to think he has to say it back. Let him initiate.
I am not being a doormat because I am not looking at this through rose colored glasses. I think he needs help. If I can't trust him then the future won't be where I am now. We will be married 16 yrs in July.
Hi KML, I am 44, he will be 50 next month. We have D14 and D10 and I have two stepsons from his first marriage, S23, S20. S20 lives with us and I am the mother figure for him. He has no contact with bio mom. I don't feel like I am being a doormat. Right now I am living as if everything is normal. I feel like calling her on his cell is somewhat of him testing me..he knows I check phone records so I am acting as if I don't. We will be married 16 yrs in July. I am making a choice to not engage him at this point. I don't want to argue...happened last week and D14 heard everything. I refuse to put my children through that. I have gone dark...well dim. I am not initiating kisses hello and goodbye...he is. I usually say "Love you" but today he did it first in "his way"...telling all of us he loved us before he left for work. I can't try to rationalize his mind...I think this really has to do with turning 50, 40 was bad...we separated, he lost 3 jobs, didn't see the kids, tanned, dyed his hair...crazy. He knows full well how lucky we were to reconcile and I am not sure if that is in his head now...I hope so
You know, I wouldn't tell him you know about the phone call - only because you want to be able to continue to monitor what is going on.
On the bright side, though, you don't know what the content of that call was - could have been a long break-up call.
What I recommend is that you focus on YOUR life. Focus on having fun, trying new exciting things, making plans for your future, getting financial ducks in a row in case he ends up leaving. A guy like this is depressed about aging, looking for excitement and something "different" thinking it will relieve his depression. The best thing I got out of my whole DB experience was that it kicked me out of the mode where I was just trying to take care of everybody else, into the mode of thinking about what I really wanted out of MY life.
I thought that I was doing the right thing for my marriage by compromising and placating my ex, but in reality, I think we would have fared better if I had stood up to him more. I think he lost some respect for me because of it.
When my ex finally left, I bought a drum set and learned to play the drums - at 53. The kids thought I had lost my mind, but now I play in a punk rock cover band. My youngest son just came out to a gig of ours last week and tole me I totally rock!
Try to take some of the focus off of your H and put it into renewal and growth for YOU. Regardless of the outcome, you'll be glad you did.
I am struggling today and I don't know why. This is so hard. H has been OK...quiet but called me the last two days from work just to say hi. Started my car this morning and gave me a kiss goodbye but no "I love you", but told me to have a good day. Why can't I focus on the positive things? I feel awful this morning.
Hi LED, i am really sorry to hear your husbands brain had disappeared again.
Can you tell us, your last bunch of issues from 10 years ago, did H and you ever seek any kind of counseling or did things sort of get swept under the rug and allowed to 'get back to normal'?
Do you know (not just what H tokd you) what failed on his first M?
This is just for me to get a better sense kd what is going on long term.
Now for you...what are you doing for db...what are you doing for GAL? Your 180s? Your owrsonal goals for your own development? Do you work outside house?
Hi Zephyr, His first marriage dissolved naturally...to be honest his ex is crazy. I am not saying this because she is his ex. She has a reputation. 10 yrs ago, H told me he wasn't happy and left immediately. A with co-worker. He fell off the face of the earth, dyed his hair, went tanning. Not much contact with D5 and D1 at the time. I didn't pursue. Went to court for D. Three days later he called me to ask if we could talk. He wanted to reconcile. I agreed but not without marriage counseling. He readily accepted. We are friends and enjoy each other's company. I know this EA with the OW is infatuation...she is a hs gf from 30 yrs ago. I also know he is struggling to to turn 50. Since the blow up we had on Sat there has been no R talk and he is acting fine. I am struggling to get out of my own way. My mind races and I am projecting the worst of everything. I need to stop. He says he loves me and doesn't want a D. Why can't I just accept that? I am a teacher so I work outside the home. I have been going to the gym and seeing a counselor on my own. We are still intimate and go out together. I know this thing with OW won't last, but I don't want it stuck in my brain.
I'm sorry that you've returned to the Forum. I may have posted to you under the poster name of Snodderly. Do you remember what your poster name was back 10 years ago?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
