Getting out of in house S (9)

[pinn]

whenever i see w i look straight in her eyes. it is hard to do without wanting to blurt out a bunch of stuff, but it helps me look into her soul a bit. She almost always looks away, but we share a moment. What this does is actually throws everything a way for a second and you actually see each other. Maybe this is ok for me now as there is no fighting or anything like that but I feel it shows my strength and i actually see her and not the front she is putting up.

interesting... I kind of like this idea..

agree with otw vise.

I think this move will really help with your detachment.

[vise82]

Hey,

I need this space from her. Its like I am falling in love with her again. Seeing her everyday and having good interactions and all this family time is eroding any progress I had as far as detachment.

With the summer coming up good memories are flooding back and S7 is the same as when we are out with the kids he always has a good memory to share with me and W about camping or our old place when it was just him and us.

It is scaring me because all this opening of my heart is exposing it to being broken again. I am DBing but with no arguments and bad stuff happening between us it just seem like my heart wants to open up. I am doing what I can to stop it but it seems like I cant.

We are going to a dinner at the kids school tonight with the kids. Be pleasant and in the moment enjoy the company. I do all that stuff. And with having no R talks I have not heard from W that nothing has changed. Before when I felt like this I would pursue and she would set me straight. She hasn't set me straight for months.

I am not telling her the feeling I am having but I am sure she can tell. Woman just know don't they.

But I don't move until a month from now and this is the path I was hoping for. To make the best of the last month together. It just that all the anger I was feeling a couple of months ago is gone. And I don't know if I am putting rose colored glasses on again or if the positive interaction is creating positive feeling for me.

This is why I said last week I would like to know from her right now do you see us together or not, and if she says no I can close my heart to her.

I know I need to be patient get through the move create the distance for her.

The looking in the eyes I was doing that and it has triggered the start of these feeling I have for W to come back for me.

OK about me now. I am working on the details of taking time off work to move and get my place ready. I realize I need to dive into this move to keep my mind off W. I don't know how realistic that is as everything in the house reminds me of her.

Working on the S agreement with lawyer. I talked to W about removing the clause of no kid contact with my parents at all to both W ant I need to agree before any contact. W did not want to change it. Also my pension she said in the beginning maybe to help me move along with he S that she wouldn't touch my pension, well now W said that her lawyer said she is going to split it, its the law. My Lawyer agreed she has a right to it but no law is forcing her to take her half.

See W started all this selling of house and buying a house with out a S agreement in place, Stuff out of our control is stalling the agreement from getting signed. W is at risk of being sued and losing her house soon. W is getting stressed about that. But She put her self in this situation. She did not want to follow the normal way to do things. I was worried about this a couple of months ago but I went along with what W wanted, hopefully it works out. But right now the risk is there. If it was just me I would not do it this way, but with W threatening to take me to court and making it a drawn out battle I am taking this risk because it is what was best for me at the time.

[tjcran]

Vise,

New to your thread, but I wanted to chime in because I can relate to you. I struggle with interaction with others as well. I've always told myself that I am what I am and people will just have to accept that. I'm guessing you tell yourself similar things.

Since GAL is so important you may wish to focus on this area of yourself. Get a library book about self-confidence or social interaction or even the classic How to Win Friends and Influence People.

There are many more people like you than you realize. About half the people you see everyday tend to be introverted and get very nervous or anxious when they meet others. However, just like you they crave contact and connection. Push yourself to be the type of guy that goes right up to someone, says hello and offers to shake their hand. Who would judge you for that? Most people are hoping you do come over and say hello. Then all you need is an initial question. Just develop one to begin with, such as, Do you know if this weather is going to hold up?

Do this to help you GAL not to win back your W, but for motivation think of it this way. If you enter a social situation and are the guy who confidently walks up to someone and says hello and shakes their hand, wouldn't your W find that attractive? Plus this is kind of a 180 for you I'm guessing. Might blow your W away if she catches you doing this.

[vise82]

Hey tjcran,

Thanks for replying. I do over time feel that I am getting better at talking to people. I do have a long way to go though. It like little by little it gets easier.

I can do the hello thing now and once and a while I will add in a question, but I need to plan it, doesn't come natural. Then after the question, I do find it hard to continue the conversation. I do use the weather question a lot. Its always changing and an easy one to talk about.

I was thinking about co dependent and not needing anyone . I am attracted to my W for the fact that she can easily talk to people. I did have a best friend in high school for that same reason. They were able to fill in the gaps socially for me in different situations.

I can see I need to get to a point that I can handle it all myself. With W it was like, well your better talking on the phone than me you do that. I didn't see anything wrong with it at the time but now I see I relied too much on W and my friend to do social talking stuff that I should have been taking care of myself.

[tjcran]

Vise,

I'm with you 100% on how hard it is to continue the coversation after the first question. I'm still working on it, but I was taught to think about the person's house. The house won't judge you. Plus it helps you remember what to ask. First, where is their house - "You live near here?" Then get curious about the house, who lives in it, why do they leave the house - "Been there long?" "Do you have kids? Are the kids still at home?" "Where do you work?" "What do you do when you aren't at work?"

Like I said, I am working on it and have a long way to go, but this idea has helped me. I think my W and I dated well because of a similar reason to you - my W was a social butterfly, so I didn't have to be.

Good luck!

[vise82]

Hey,

Talked to my lawyer on Friday. Have almost everything ironed out. Lawyer was firm on getting the language regarding no contact with my family for my kids. Said a judge would never agree to that. I said that is the way I want it now. L said that if relationship changes with my family that it might be hard to change it.

So I told W about the changes to S agreement. She doesn't want to change the family contact stuff. I had to stop her as she was losing it getting angry. I said its nothing personal, my lawyer wants to change it and will talk to your lawyer. We will go from there. I though she would have agreed. Looks not that way.

We went as a family to the school dinner. It was good. I took some initiative to get the desert.

I won't go blow by blow but Friday and all sat we did everything together while the kids were up. Sat was very good as we did all sorts of stuff and places, most my suggestion.

It like what I have heard on here about the squirrel getting comfortable. She was, it was good, and I did not pursue. I just let it be what it was with no romantic anything. When we first me it was all passion and physical. It was nice to just spend a day together with the kids with out that part. When it was early in the relationship I sadly would not enjoy the parts between the physical because the physical part was a main focus for the younger me.

I go to bed and then she calls my name. I was waiting for her to make the first move... I answer and she asks me to turn on a humidifier for one on the kids. I so thought she was going to say something nice about the day.

So I think things are going in a good direction even though the house is sold and we are moving into separate houses. I mean if someone wants to be with you they find a way to do it.

Ok enough about it but this is the thinking that keeps me going.

So about me, I signed up for a training course at work. And I am working on a photo book for the kids

I am finding it hard to act as if everything is ok. When alone I am finding some tears out. I find me questioning my whole choice for this path. I am trusting my choice.

[vise82]

Hey,

OK W is back with kids from her parents house, Kids were a handful I heard. I just spent time with the dog while they were gone. W asked if I had soccer, told her it starts in a month.

W gave kids a bath. normally I do it. I put them to bed. We are now in separate rooms in the house. So close yet so far away.

I see on the family calendar W has a full week to get ready for brothers wedding, waxing, tanning, nails. She needs a week to get all this stuff done? Its not her wedding. Its going to take some self control to not let this get to me. Its going to be a tough week.

So what am I doing for the week? looking after the kids while W get all that work done. I have the idea of packing up my stuff while W and the kids are gone. But what usually happens is I get paralyzed with sadness and nothing gets done.

Ok tomorrow I another day. Never seem to run out of new days, they just keep showing up, one after another.

[tjcran]

Vise,

Even though this week will be difficult, do it by the book. Sleep as well as you can. Pack even if you don't want to. Allow yourself to be sad for a bit, but don't allow yourself to be sad all the time. You are stronger than you think you are. Focus on your goals.

[vise82]

Hey trying to prepare for being alone this weekend as W takes the kids to the wedding for three days and two nights..

I have contacted an old friend that I have been talking to and will meet with him one of the days.

Again it just one of those time where W will be tempted to cheat on me or meet some OM. Out of my control have to leave it to fate and the bond we hopefully have.

I think she was hoping I would cheat on her first so she could go ahead with out gilt. I wont do it though. I am saying cheat because we still are technically married. I don't think W sees it like that but who knows.

Last night she wanted me to go to get shoes for S4 for the wedding. I did not offer to do that. I don't even want to talk about the wedding but that is all I hear this week. I was thinking of saying that I don't want to hear it, but I think for DBing I just act like it doesn't bother me. That I am ok.

W has been putting pressure on me to get the S agreement signed but L says she cant do that. I don't think she is too worried, if she cant get funding for mortgage because S agreement is not signed her parents will just be the bank for her and help her buy her house.

I just realized yesterday that the dog is not part of S agreement but W has given him to me. Dog is sick and W has agreed to help pay for the bill. Don't know why she never put him in the agreement. Really I am fine either way, but I don't want to have the dog at my place only to have W take him from me.

So my Goal will be to pack and get rid of junk while W is away with the kids. I will take the dog to the dog parks for GAL. And I have an appointment to take the dog to the vet.

[vise82]

Hey,

Tough day yesterday. I picked up the kids and fed them and played with them outside. It was strange as no adults were out with the other kids. One was three years old and had a cup of corn to eat. It dumped on the ground and he started to pick them up and eat them. I had to get him to stop and convince him to go ask his mom for new corn. His mom was in the house.

Then another kid was calling out another kid names and that kid went running home crying. I could only do so much and ask the kids to not call each other names, but again no parents around. They were 5 and 6 years old.

Feeling down today. trying not to let W actions affect me but they still do to some degree. The night before she was on her I pad in the spare bedroom and its light shines in the MBR. It was on for half an hour. Talking to or reading who knows what. then yesterday she gets home then was out to her new house for measurements. she came back we all watched some tv and I put the kids to bed. SHe wants them to bed early because she doesn't want them sick for the wedding on the weekend, So it was almost two hours early.

I get down stairs and then I just miss my W, she is in the other room and because of DBing I cant go in there, I leave her alone.

This is where GAL comes in, but I couldn't think of anything to do. I wanted to get out of the house but it was late nothing is open. Didn't want to just go out it was cold.

This is the problem with good interactions, they give you a high and then it sad that W does not continue them with you on other days. There is this S barrier stopping me from going to her. I realize the idea is that it will pull her closer to me.

Its just a down day today. I need to feel it then let it go.

I just get this feeling that W is going to want to continue with the way things are and if things are going to change it will be from me filing for D. Its because I cant see myself living like this for a long period of time.

I feel so excluded right now. The whole focus right now with kids and W is this wedding, and I have nothing to do with it.

I went to the bank yesterday and I now will have a credit card in my name, had to be a secured one because W messed up my credit but its a start to credit recovery.