Getting out of in house S (9)

[RAI]

IMHO only. Take it FWIW.

So near the end it was like how we normally do things with the kids and it was good because her friend can see that W and I do function well together. At least I think so.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is your W's best friend, right? This is the woman who tried encouraged your W to be unfaithful. How is anything you do going to change her opinion of you? Why do you even care what these people think about you? Do you think that if they see you and your W functioning well, that they will intervene and convince your W to come back? What is your thought process here?

"No expectations. but that is a positive direction."

Based on this statement, you obviously have expectations. How would your life be any different if you told this couple to F**k off? (not that I am saying you should, heaven forbid). Being civil and kind is the right thing to do, of course, but start doing things for you and not to elicit reactions from others. You deserve better - much better.

RAI

P.S. remind me - what are your GAL, currently?

[vise82]

Hey RAI,

Yes this is W best friend. SHe has not seen me for months and I am sure during that time I have been described as the monster in all this. The hope would be that with her seeing me , as the person I am now that it will allow her to realize that yes I am a person. THat my W has invited me and that it is possible that W and I can be in the same room.

Maybe she will back off know W is doing more with me and the family and W is not the single mom that she is telling people.

My thought process is with them seeing me maybe part of them will back off and live there own life. for them to stop messing with W life. Stop messing with our family with me my W and the kids there. We are a family right now and last night showed that. I mean W and I are S but there is the resemblance and potential of a family.

By no expectations I mean expressed to W. Of course I have them, that is what hope is. When talking it W I will not express any expectations of anything further then what we have right now at this point. I wont define it, or question it, I will no matter how difficult continue to move forward.

My GAL,
Soccer starts again in june. I have been going to dog parks now.

I am busy with getting Separation info together for lawyer, building my credit, and I will be moving in a month so busy packing, I have been doing a lot with the kids scouts every week.


It doesn't sound like much but my days are filled. would I like to do more, of course.

[otw]

Something bugs me about every time I hear you interacting with other like this trip to the park. You state you didn't acknowledge other husband except a smile then towards the end you went near them. Are you staying quiet and to yourself when you are around people?

You said you looked your best but do you interact with people? Talk? Show yourself to be a good time? Or do you just play with kids?

I'm
Asking because I read this before with you. If you are an introvert ok, I am too but you have to make an effort to step out.

If I am correct and you stayed distant and quiet then what did you really show?

Not just for this but in your gal activities for yourself you need to be able to communicate with others. You are not showing that you will be fine or capable. You a re really just filling time.

What is the honest answer?

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

I think I have touched on this before. I am quiet, very uneasy in social situations, I interact well with the kids. Adults I have a hard time talking to. Yes I am an introvert. I have always been. Something I think I will always be.

Ok I do need to make more of an effort. I struggle with this everyday. I am good at keeping to myself. What did I really show? That I am capable of going out to a place like that with people like that. I was out of my comfort zone for sure but was more comfortable being there then I would have been before BD.

These thoughts have crossed my mind that maybe I don't need to change, this is who I am, this is who W married, how I always have been. Is this something that can even change? I am getting better, more confident but I am not going to change into an talkative excited loud mouth. (not that there is anything wrong with that)

[otw]

I agree. Ian sort of the same. I also know how I am perceived when I am like this though. People say stuck up, rude, etc

I have made a conscious effort to be more outgoing. Not change myself but let other people see what is going on in my head

[vise82]

Hey

OK point taken. I can see how if I didn't talk to W BFF husband that it would look rude.

Not my intention, I just don't have the need to talk if I don't have to.

THis is something I have worked on, basic greetings. Making an effort to say hello ect. Its not that I don't talk to adults its people that I don't know well. At work I am quiet but I talk when I need to.

That is a good way of putting it, letting people know what I am thinking about in my head. A lot of time I don't even think to say anything or I have nothing lined up to say. I listen but am not actively thinking of what I could say about the topic.

[vise82]

Hey,

Had an ok night, picked up kids from school, W was home from work, Kids wanted to go to a park, W wanted to go shopping for her new place so I took kids to park. Get home and we all sit on the couch for a show and I put kids to bed. W calls me in to talk.

She want to iron out detail for the move she is getting a truck and if I want I can use it when she is done. We are planning on moving out the same weekend. I am taking time off work for a couple of weeks to move and hope not to have to use her van.

I was able to talk to her with out getting upset but I had to fight the urge to call her out on this whole S deal. we verbally went over what each is taking.

I don't get it, with like camping stuff, she is like well we will live like two blocks away and if you need some of the camping stuff just ask.

Honestly today I am really not liking this situation. THis limbo land. This all seem so unnatural. I just feel I should either be with a girl or not. THis half in is just eating me up today. Its like I feel secure and don't feel secure. I just cant see myself continuing this R or what ever we have like this. This share camping stuff and what I have you have and we can share.

oh for the summer we are getting a babysitter. W says she thinks that instead of having the kid change over as I will be at work or need to wake up so early for work that she was thinking all child care will be at my house and W will have a key and in the morning just meet the babysitter at my house.

I am thinking WTF she want S but now has found out a way to get a key to my place??? The only way is if I get a key to her place. I am just tired of it today. I want a traditional MR. Not a two house MR. Its one thing to sleep in different rooms but two houses and still be married??

And I can see W telling all her friends how progressive we are and it works out so well , look at me and how I am doing MR give me attention. It so different and why are you not married like this?

I am rambling at this point so I will stop.

[otw]

it will be hard and she will not like it but for your own sanity you need to separate as much as possible and get yourself some space from her. Do not share anything, no keys.
The day my wife left, I rekeyed locks and changed garage door. She tried to go over one weekend i was out of town "to get something for the kids" and couldnt get in. I breezed past the questions like nothing.

I do promise you this, it will be hard and awful when you finally move apart, but you will also feel like you can breath again. You will enjoy some times, but I also get what you are saying about feel like you should be with someone. The thing is you need to get to a point where you want that and not NEED that.

keep your head up, talk to a stranger today. start with just hello. then progress each day to conversation with a cashier or whatever about one or two sentences then keep moving from there. You need to feel that people want to hear from you. very helpful

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

So for my own sanity I need to keep a distance. That is the reason. As for reason to W, do I say I really want this S to work I need to keep my distance? I am guessing I say nothing about distance. And just talk through actions.

So for the truck I don't need to mention to her that I plan on moving all my stuff before she gets the truck and I wont even need the truck?

As for the childcare, I guess it would be up to the babysitter to show up early to look after the kids but I am home early. Then just have kid swaps at night. Something that needs to be worked out.

[otw]

i think you can tell her you dont need the truck, you have it sorted out already, no more.

as far as what to say to wife about the S, prob nothing. just your actions. Be careful not to come across rude or angry, be cordial and upbeat when you have to communicate, but not overly fake. I know very fine line here. I dont know if this will make sense to you or anyone, but i started doing something i wish i did more of. whenever i see w i look straight in her eyes. it is hard to do without wanting to blurt out a bunch of stuff, but it helps me look into her soul a bit. She almost always looks away, but we share a moment. What this does is actually throws everything a way for a second and you actually see each other. Maybe this is ok for me now as there is no fighting or anything like that but I feel it shows my strength and i actually see her and not the front she is putting up.