Getting out of in house S (9)

[vise82]

Hey I think you are right,

I can say:

W you wanted this separation, and me going to your place to help you out around the house does not fit with the separation you asked for.

[otw]

maybe not those exact words

let me think a bit. That almost sounds like you are throwing things in her face, which we are kid of, but that doesnt sound good to me.

i will be back!
lol

[RAI]

Sounds like you are trying to lay down a boundary. This would be an excellent opportunity for one. Boundaries are to protect you, not to punish her. You also do not need to provide a reason.

I may be way off base, because I am terrible at boundaries, but how about:
"I will not be hauling sod for you from now on." Simple. straight forward. kinda manly. much less nyah nyah than "you wanted this separation, so I am punishing you etc..."

or,

"When you ask me to haul sod for you, I feel like you are taking advantage of me. I will not be doing things for your new house. Sorry."

She will initially get angry and stop doing things for you. This is why boundaries are so scary for newbies like us. But do you really need her to do anything for you?

I am pretty bad at boundaries, but perhaps some vets can correct or tweak. Or you can visit the boundaries thread and come up with something. There must be others who have done this before. No need to reinvent the wheel.

RAI

[vise82]

Hey

This is more detail

W was at a store with me and the kids, W tells me about needing grass in her new back yard, She tells me that her Dad told her to just get seed. We just did this to our house in the summer, we chose sod and her Dad did the same at his house and he choose seed. Seed needs way more care, takes way longer. I tell W are you going to have time to look after seed? Just get sod, you can put a tarp in your car and put it in your trunk.

W doesn't say anything.

Then later she says it wont fit in her trunk she needs a lot of it. And starts saying I would have to pick it up using a trailer. I say hold on you didn't say you needed that much grass. I thought you were talking about a small area.

I then said that she can still get a lot in her trunk, the seats fold down. Then I also said that she can borrow the trailer if she needs it.

Haven't talked about it since.

But you can see how her mind works. The lying by not telling me the size of area , then hooking me into it. She know about sod just as much as me.

It did come out that her dad will be at her new place for a week doing all this work for her (widow coverings, towel racks shelves) then she tells me she doesn't know if he will have enough time to do all the work. Then she tells me that I am lucky that my place doesn't need any work. How does she know she has never seen it.

She was setting me up to volunteer to help. But she left it at that.

I like the boundary idea of not being taken advantage of. Because that is what it is.

We move out at the end of May. I have some time to figure this out.

[otw]

Funny enough I think you did figure it out. The way you just suggested she can borrow the trailer told her you will not do it for her. That was great

If she keeps pressing you can finally just use what RAI said. This were good suggestions.

[vise82]

Hey

Had my friend contact me asking how things are. Told him I was having a hard time not being invited to the W brothers wedding.

He tells me that what happens, his exes family has not contacted him since his D. Then he tells me its like you are starting your life over again. He did it and I can too.

I think that has sent me spinning a little. There is truth in what he said and it stings. Its got me down a little today.

There is a positive as that means I can shape my new life as I see fit. And I look at what it is right now and I don't get why I have to hide that I talk to my friend. Made me look at what is happening right now and honestly I want to pursue W. To the point she tells me again that it is over back off or she welcomes the pursuing.

It just seems that its my life If I want something I should just get it. If I want my W I should just go after her. If she says no. then that will be it. I can move forward. I tried.

I get this is how I feel right now and it will pass. But it feel like the right thing to do. Definitely not DBing though.

[otw]

ok first the family thing does not always work that way. I still have a good relationship with W family. Yes i dont get invited to all of the things i would have before but i still see them and do things. Remember they will be a part of your life forever witht he kids.

As far as your other idea. I know you think you will get flamed for that here. Well I am not going to do that, but i dont think the timing is right. Let me explain.

you are in the midst of this move right now. I dont think anything is going to stop that right now. too much has happened with house etc.. I also think it is not the right time for two other reasons. One is you need to let her get away as she believes this is what she wants and needs. the other is you need to have some time for yourself not being so co dependent with her and give yourslef some growth and also her.

I would say after there has been some time then you start feeling it out and if you still feel it then do it. I am kimd of in that area right now.

Take that for what you will.

[vise82]

hey,


I get the family thing. There is nothing I can do that wont look weak and pathetic so unless W out of the blue invites me I wont be going. I do see it as a good opportunity for her to feel loss. Everyone will be there and it will be pretty clear that I am not.

I am surprised she went this route as she was so sure that we could S and still do everything together. Its like she is DBing things on herself.


It just I have two months left of in house S. Its just a feeling and timing for pursuing is not good.

I need to live in the moment with no expectations. Keep up the acting as if. I can sort of see having a good couple of months before the move. Things are as good as they can be. W came home last night I was in the basement and she when out of her way to say hi and asked how it went with the kids and that she was going to bed early.

I was tempted to call her down so she could sit. But cant do that it pursuing. Its hard because she came to me half way and I wanted to meet her the other half but because of DBing I cant. So I kept the cool me and left her alone.

OTW I do read that in your thread you try to push the limits of pursuing and then back off. It seems to be working for you.

[otw]

man it is hard though. I am in the middle of a pull away and i want nothing more than to keep pushing and teting, but i dont think it is right.

We spoke last night and she was telling me she has a wedding next week and asked if i wanted to watch the kids before she got a babysitter. I wanted nothing more than to say how about i go with you. I dont know anything about the wedding or who it is for or if someone is going with her. All i could do was just act like no big deal.

[J5K]

Vise,

My WW wanted me to pursue her also. I bought her earrings and a necklace for Valentine's Day and she did not even put them on. A couple of weeks later she said that I did not do any grand gestures when she came back to the home.

She did everything a WW is supposed to do. Her definition of reconciliation was to co-parent in the city she lives in. None of that met any of my needs so please be careful with pursuit. Our first round of D was dismissed and then when I told her I wasn't moving up to her city to co-parent she now filed for D. I guess the one thing I did wrong in this scenario was to tell her I wasn't moving, but when I asked her if she would stop dating she never answered. I can't risk everything for her just to get nothing in return.

So please be careful with pursuit. Baby steps and temp check.