Getting out of in house S (9)

[vise82]

New thread. a lot should be happening as I move in a couple of months. Will be packing and splitting up house contents, S agreement will be signed.

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...311#Post2666311


Hey Vapo,

Yes I do feel like less of a man because of the S. I have not told anyone at work because of this. I also feel there is no need to tell them as things will work out between us. But part of me (the star in me) thinks that is not the truth and I should be telling them. When I feel its time I will tell them.

Also I have been thinking about my family. I think I should have fought more to keep contact with them. W should not have asked me to choose between them or her. I could only fight that for so long until I came the same reasoning as W.

My family gave me a lot of GAL as there was always something going on with a big family. It also made me interesting. Again the star inside of me says I should contact them and at the same time have enforceable boundaries. Deep down I don't contact my family because it will make my W mad and she will think I don't love her by not following her wishes.

YOu are right she left. She wants a R with us S. She has not mentioned D. Sat night she chose to stay home with her family rather than go out to a party that she was invited to by her best girl friend. She told me she wanted to just stay home and had no interest in going. That is a change since BD. She told me them that she avoided coming home and I made her angry every time she walked into the door coming home.

Yes I see my kids as my family and with us moving to two housed its more apparent. W is making plans with the kids about decorating their rooms with out me involved. I realized That I need to do the same. The kids are calling my house the man house. For my birthday S7 picked out some flatware from the department store that W brought him to. I open the gift and he shows me the three bumps on the spoons and forks, saying each bump is for me, him and his brother. No mention of W. He understand this S better that I do.

I do feel like I will be ok with out W. The problem is that I don't want to be with out her.

My GAL is lacking right now. I plan on it picking up soon.

[vise82]

Hey RAI,

I am excited to grow into the best version of myself.

You are right about the wedding and wanting to feel loved. I have not seen anyone from W side of the family. They have always treated me well and I do miss them.

Yes worrying about my W happiness is a wasted effort that needs to be put towards my happiness.

Parts of myself that I have found are my physical self as I am in the best shape and waist size that I was before I was in MR.

I have found strength and knowledge of feelings and how to deal with them. I have learned about boundaries and standing up for myself. I have found my confidence. Before BD my biggest accomplishment as reported in MC was getting out of bed each day. I was so defeated and depressed.

Good point about her being kind to lessen the guilt, temp check and keep me from dropping the rope. She does it so well.

Thanks for the support RAI. I do hope I am destined for some sort of greatness, when, where or how I do no know.

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Get out of her way.

So true.

She has a new credit card that is just hers with a limit higher then she has ever had before. With her credit issues of the past I need to just get out of her way. For the first time her poor spending decisions will not affect me.

I have been able to save some money. Not a lot but still through the whole MR we were never able to save anything.


Hey Jb9140,

thanks for posting, sorry to hear your W moved out. I too get the urge to beg and plead. I also don't do it. I post on here instead.

Fear is what holds us back from living.

[RAI]

She has a new credit card that is just hers with a limit higher then she has ever had before. With her credit issues of the past I need to just get out of her way.

I suggest you talk to your L about this. Any debt she accrues is marital debt. You will be responsible for 50% of it if you D.

RAI

[vise82]

Hey not much to report.

I had the kids for the most part of Sat. Took them to a skate park and to visit W at her work. They were having a customer day and the kids have gone every year. I wanted to bring them just to show my face at her work as I haven't seen her boss in a long time. Also to show I am not the monster she is making me out to be.

Sunday, W took the kid to the in-laws early as she had a wedding shower to go to. Then they had a birthday party for MIL. I was not invited. I didn't ask about going. I was available and no invitation was offered. Kids asked why I wasn't going and W just said that I don't go anymore. She seemed distressed about saying to them. What could I do but smile and wave good bye. Acting "as if"

I usually go to soccer but that is done. But I can see now how important it is to just go and get out. I stayed in and it was not fun.

I went through the house to get a list of what I want to take to my new place.

They came home and I put the kids to bed.

I started work today on building my credit. Need to continue to do stuff for me.

We have a separation agreement that states any credit obtained after the S date the other spouse is not responsible for it. So W can start racking up her debt with out hurting my credit.

That is if for now. I will try to post stuff of what I am doing for me.

[vise82]

Hey,

Got some more done on my credit rebuilding side of things.

Keeping busy at work.

I had to text w regarding work and she texted back she will be around and asked if I wanted pick up the kids together and get groceries and dinner. So that is what I am doing tonight.

Yesterday I picked up the kids and W was working late. She texted me to get groceries with the kids. I didn't want to as the kids were in no mood to go out. I text that back to her and she has a little fit. Saying there is no reason that I cant go and that she is frustrated because now she will have to go and she wont see the kids before they go to bed. I text back Really?? I can go when you get home.

She changed her tune and she validated how the kids can be.

So I took one of the kids with me.

I guess that is her way of asking me to help out. I don't mind going out to get groceries as I eat the food also.

Hopefully she can learn to ask with out the manipulation some day.

[vise82]

Hey,

I was able to go shopping for some new clothes after work. Had some time before W came home so I put new clothes on to look my best. w came home and we left to pick up the kids together. Walking up to the school I was ahead of W and she asks if I bought new clothes and shoes. I ask why and she said because I didn't have pants that color of blue.

I will take that as a you look good. It was nice that she noticed.

W took kids to eat out and picked up groceries. Kids were in a good mood. I think they like to see us all together.

We came home and kids played outside. our new neighbors W was out with her kids. I missed the opportunity to talk to her, But she didn't say anything to me. I just need the practice talking to people.

W was outside as well. She did talk to me but it was about moving. She was asking me in a way to pick up sod for her when she moves because her car is too small. I just hey you can get it in your trunk just put a tarp down. This was the first time she asked me to do something for her for her new house.

Can someone set me straight on that. Its her house she can do that stuff? What do I say?

Just more family time together.

I put the kids to bed, And same dynamic, I was down the basement and W was upstairs in separate rooms.

THis morning W was up and more moving talk. She wants to know what days I will be moving my stuff and she is telling me dates that she will be moving her stuff. I said I will have to think about it more. She is thinking that both of us will move out the same day. But really I could move out sooner as she has the kids.

Anyway. It was a bit of a reality for me as we are moving. It sort of hit me a little. As the child care schedule will begin then.

Also I have been having trouble getting credit as W destroyed mine. So she offers to co sign for me. I told her thanks but let me exhaust all efforts first.

She is going a mile a minute with this move. I think she thrives on this type of hectic life. A MC said that at one of the sessions. Just when our life is getting settled and calm W gives the ILYJNILWY and shakes up our life upside down.

THis will be move number 7 since we have been together. All initiated by W for one reason or another.

[otw]

i think you just need to accept that the W may be doing all of the family time for the kids as it is coming to an end.

Stop thinking that it is for you and her.

As far as helping her with her place. Not right now. she needs to go through this. Maybe somewhere down the road if things turn a little then you can step back in and show what you are worth.

as always my opinion

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

I do get that maybe a possibility. That she has no problem doing this stuff just for the kids.

I have gone through two times where I thought things were getting better and told W this only to be told that no they are not. She did not tell me that. Then I asked, this was months ago, how can you have these great interactions and not say thing are getting better. Her response was she is faking it, forging on with a smile for the kids.

That was then this is now. I don't believe what she says.

I am taking each day as it comes. I take the interaction for what it was, good at the time. I am not having expectations.

This is something that time will tell.

I think for her asking for me to do stuff. I will just delay and postpone. I will say I am busy with my place. Then it will be up to her to keep asking.

This seems so calculating on her part to be able to shut it off once we physically separate.

This is the time when I write it svcks, and why, W had everything she could have. why would she break our family apart? But I wont dwell on it.

Looks like its going to get worse before it get better again. So next I think is talking about splitting up the house contents. I need to know what I will be taking.

[otw]

i went throught he same thing. We did a lot as a family, but then when we were done with kids we did our own thing. that is why i am trying to tell you it is for the kids.

as far as her asking you to do stuff, i am kind of annoyed with it. I think maybe you should not push it off and she if she keeps asking. I think you need to stand up and politely tell her, that you do not think it is a good idea.