Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[kml]

You know, my ex told me he was doing me a favor too, by leaving while I was still young and attractive enough to find someone else. Made me mad as hell at the time. (I was 53 btw).

Still, in retrospect, I believe he was right. I did deserve better, and all the men I dated after my divorce treated me better than he had. I did eventually find love again. It would definitely have been harder to start this process at sixty. And I now suspect that there were more infidelities and flirtations than I knew, and I definitely didn't deserve to be treated that way.

If he's telling you that he's not good enough for you, he might just be right.

[mleigh4]

Ugh Melweb, I am not sure how you are doing it. I would have thrown out H as soon as he told me that. When you say "we" can't afford two homes, that is "his" problem. He is making his choices and you are making it smooth for him. IDK, I just don't think that is ok, for him to go spend time with her, come home, and let you know.

What advice would you give a daughter, or friend? Wanting to save your marriage is admirable, but having self love and respect comes first.

Like KML said, he can sleep on a friend's couch, like other cheaters. As for what your H told you about OW comment? It clearly shows what a train wreck she is.

[HaWho]

Melweb - I am so sorry. That is awful.

I want to chime in and say MLCers love to photoshop, airbrush and crop this picture they are creating. Don't they have to do so? Who could live with their true story? Think of the true story of how these two met! You can't run and hide from that. Do not allow yourself to glamorize this for one second. They are two weak, broken people running from themselves and clinging to each other.

You've already received some really good advice about the living situation. My concern is that it seems the June date is up in the air, really, as it's not truly certain you will sell the house then, right? So, if it's okay for him to live at home 'til then, what if the house does not sell in June?

My advice is stop thinking about what "we" can afford. He is not thinking about "we." He is thinking all about "ME!" It's his problem!! There are consequences to decisions. See, he thinks everything should go his way with no twists. Is that how life works? Think about how crazy this is all getting!!!

MLCers are all about actions. You watch their actions and don't listen to their words. His actions say: "I am testing a boundary because I am a cake eater. Can I sleep around and still live at home?"

Well, can he? You do have control over the way you react.

[melweb]

Oh my gosh... I love you guys. Thanks so much kml, mleigh an HW. I so wish we could have a girls nite.

Heres the lastest: This morning I approached him, calm, cool and collected, and said this: "I think it is really rude and disrespectful, not only to me, our kids and our check book, but to her kids as well, that you are going there this weekend. I know you are leaving in June and it is for the best, but if the kids ask me where you are this weekend, I will tell them the truth." He bristled about " so much for being honest and I could have just lied." I said "yup" and walked away. Then he caught me before I Walked out the door to say "I'm not going. You're right, its disrespectful and I don't have to flaunt it. I was feeling pretty crappy about it anyway." I just said ok.

HW-- he gets a pretty big bonus in June, regardless if house sells. That is payin off all debt. At the moment we are paycheck to paycheck, so having him get his own place takes money from me to pay bills, buy groceries etc. Plus his company is paying our rent here til house sells.

What if this isn't MLC and the man just truly cannot stand me or wants to be married to me anymore??

[kml]

That's not quite the right question. Of course it's midlife crisis, but there's no guarantee he'll ever come out of it, or come out of it in time for you to want him back.

The real question is, what do you want to do with your life? Living your best, most authentic life and becoming the person you are meant to be should be your goal. If H snaps out of it and wants to join you in your new life, great. If he doesn't return, or you decide you don't want him back....you'll still have your fabulous new life.

[melweb]

kml-- you are right, of course!! You are so wise.

And I really haved changed a lot in the past 6 months. All for good, and I know I am becoming a better person. For the most part, I like who I see in the mirror. Some days tho, I question my sanity, and my reasons for wanting to save a marriage to a man who is having an A and clearly doesn't want me.
Seriously?? I have lost whats left of my marbles?

[HaWho]

Hold your head up high, put your shoulders back and focus like a laser on yourself and your kids.

Let him go. He is not setting the bar for you! No MLCer is!! This is not the man you married. Seriously, those of us with MLC spouses could troll bus stations at 2am and meet better spouses.

Turn your attention 100% onto you and your kids.

[kml]

Do you have a dream? Are you working? If your husband had dropped dead instead of having an affair, after you grieved, what would you do to make a new life? What have you always been scared to try?

At some point many years ago (this was actually before my marriage started going south) I read a book that suggested making a list of 100 things you would like to do or accomplish. It's hard to come up with 100 things, but that's the point.... It forces you to just throw things out there, random things that come out of your subconscious.

Recently I found that list. To my surprise, one item on the list was "play in a band". I have no recollection of writing that and no idea where that came from. Yet several years later, I started playing the drums, and now I play in a band! Amazing the things your subconscious can make manifest!

[melweb]

Omg HW... You crack me up. Just what I needed. Thanks.

I KNOW this is MLC. I have read so much about it I could give a seminar. Some days I just go ... What am I doing? More importantly, WHY am I doing it?

I have let him go, as if there was any "letting" to be had. It seems pretty evident that he will be leaving in June. And I truly think it is for the best... For him. I also KNOW there is a reason this is happening to me.IDK what that is just yet, but I will let you guys know when I do.

Thanks everyone for the words of wisdom, the support and just listening to me rant. You guys rock

[mleigh4]

Good for you standing up for yourself, your home and your family. I had to do the exact same thing, when H was staying out all hours of the night. You did good, so proud of you!