Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[melweb]

Thanks for jumping over here to see me Tx. I know you are a fan of blowing up the fence so the fence is no longer even a choice. And I tell you... I am thisclose. I am not even sure her H knows. What has stopped me? 1) I am NOT good with confrontation at all. 2) H keeps hopping over the fence and claiming he is not ready to give up on us, he has cut contact with her 3)I fear it will not pave the way for reconciliation.

I do know I want/need to do SOMETHING to stop this back and forth crap! Its making me crazy!!

Cil--"Upbeat, cheerful, busy, eye contact, fun"--all on my to- do list this week. Also figuring how to stop his dang back and forth, like I just said to Tx. Thinking my 180 to this is: "Go"--its not what I want so I hesitate to say the words.

As far as the "controlled separation," I do not understand it either. Thought someone here might. As I was googling for info on 'separations', it came up as a choice. I guess its a thing, but maybe not pertinent in an MLC case as they are just whack jobs.

No I do NOT want to see anybody else, but I do not want this separation to be his "free pass" to OW either. Then when it fizzles out or she doesn't leave her H, he comes back to me and says "Ok--lets work on this M cuz I am done my A now" So yes--neither of us sees anybody else until x time is over. Maybe this a question for my L this week.

[HaWho]

Melweb - yes, the MLC seesaw is unhealthy for you on an emotional, physical and spiritual level.

Have you read up on boundaries? Before you start looking into a controlled separation, my advice is stop and read over the boundaries info. This is very important when you have a cake eating MLCer.

Let me play devil's advocate and give you some things to consider. Let's say you set parameters for a controlled separation, will you actually believe he is following them? Is that realistic? What do you gain in this arrangement? Do you really want this? If so, why?

Back to boundaries. No one can set your boundaries for you. But, it's not as hard as it seems. The trick is to listen to your inner voice, NOT your fears of confrontation or your fears of not saving your m. You don't save your marriage at the expense of you. That is not a marriage. Remember the person you were long before all this started. Sometimes, your boundaries become apparent when you imagine the advice you would give your kids if they were in your shoes.

Once you set a boundary, you need to be ready to die on that hill. So best really to be true to yourself and not to just set them willy-nilly. He will test them so you must be ready to adhere to them. Otherwise, you lose all credibility and the floodgates on cake eating are open. This is very important (which is why it is best to take the time to get in step with your boundaries).

Once you have those you will feel more control because you will have your own personal roadmap rather than just reacting to him. He can have the moral compass that whirls around 'til the coils pop out from all the spinning. You, on the other hand, have your center, with or without him.

[mleigh4]

I had very similar conversations with H when he told me he found a place to move to. His explanation was that he needed some space to think things out. He told me he was scared he would regret it, but just felt it was something he needed to do. I told him I wished we could work on M, but if this felt right to him, it's what he should do.

When he told me he talked to S about it, I knew it was real. He even asked me to go with him and S to look at the place, to give my opinion. It was like living a bad dream. I was calm and did all this, knowing there was really nothing I could do, to keep things calm for S, and because honestly, I myself knew I needed the space from his madness he brought to our home!

I also looked for advice, on how to handle seeing other people. I asked H flat out, is this about wanting to see other people? He said no. I told him, just to make it clear, I am NOT ok with seeing other people while married, separated or not, and if he did, I am out of this for good. He again assured me, it's not about that.

With that being said, I don't snoop, but have not learned of any OW. If I ever do, I mean what I said.

We cant control what they do, but we can set a boundary. You just have to be prepared to stick by it.

As for cakeeating, I have much experience with that! I am sure most would say I allow it. I struggled with it, I tried the no having H around, no family time, no holiday stuff. For me, part of the problem was that we would all spend time together, and we would all have such a nice time, that it left me in an emotional heap after when H would leave to go home. However, not having us all spend time together hurt too. I finally decided to accept spending time together, for what it was, in the moment, knowing we would go right back to separate lives. It took me a few times, but I have gotten used to it. Honestly, we all thrive from it, S the most. Since doing this, I experience a closer connection with H. What it really comes down to....each situation is different. You should do what works and feels right for you. There is no right or wrong.

Hang in there, you are handling things really well!

[melweb]

Thanks so much HW and mleigh for the insight.

Oooohhh my elusive boundaries. What are they? Where are they? Come out, come out wherever you are.

Honestly not sure I have any, as pathetic as that sounds. I have some 'personal' boundaries: I will not watch him text "whomever" right in front of me, so I walk away. I will not go into his room if the door is closed, and because of his constant back and forth, no more sex until he can truly, honestly commit to M and prove his A is over. I know, I know--those are lame

At the moment, my biggest struggle is this A happening right under my nose. I cannot kick him out because of financial reasons. Nor do I want to kick him out--I want him to have to make that painful decision of walking away.

HW--good points on the controlled separation. How would I monitor it? And if a separation is for "space," then I def do not want to be his mommy.

mleigh--I really do want to be his "friend," the lighthouse, but I have those fears that it will be too emotionally draining/damaging to me. And what if he starts dating? I just don't know right now, which is why I keep telling him "I cannot guarantee that we will be friends."

He keeps saying he doesn't want a D, but needs space. That maybe he will miss me and realize in 6-8 months that he cannot love without me. True or blowing smoke up my a$$ so that he can continue A? IDK

I don't feel like I am handling things very well at all, but thanks

[melweb]

Feeling strong and confident today. Go me!!

I saw an L for first time yesterday. She reaffirmed some of the things I already knew and debunked some things H thought. I have no intention of filing-- he will have to do is own dirty work, but its nice to know I have someone on my side. Not sure if I am going to keep " interviewing" L's at this time or not.

No R talk yesterday. Phew. But could be because I was not here when H got home from work.... On purpose.

BUT R talk the night before. Mostly the same ole garbage that comes from him-- I will thank him in the future, more past BS, blah blah blah. Anyhow-- I just said "you're right, this is what you need to do. Go."

This morning, 5, yes FIVE, calls from him on his way to work. I usually get Zero. Of course, they were all biz related-- our house for sale, paying bills, his moving out, etc. Plus he thinks I am in denial, that I think he will change his mind before June. (Gee-- why would I ever think that, since you have changed your mind 5 times since the beginning of March??) Honestly at this point, I don't care if he does or doesn't. I want this M to work, but I can't do the "he's in, he's out" anymore. This is his journey, and maybe he needs to sit in an empty apt by himself to finish bakiing.

I will be ok.

[melweb]

Oh what a difference a day makes!

H admitted he is still having PA. And he is going to see her this weekend. I guess the lying got too much for him. I stayed calm and collected. Not sure what I actually said. I agreed a lot and said I understood a lot. He tried to tell she respects me, and I said I did not care what she thought of me. I wish I had thought of " Clearly she doesn't, or she wouldn't be having sex with my husband."And he told me she is afraid I will attack her. ( Not my style)

I am really beggining to hate this man that I have been trying so hard to keep. He is a person I no longer recognize. I so want to save this M, to be the lighthouse, but how? How in the face of lies, and cheating?

He cannot phyically leave this apt til June, so how do I act toward him? I am so hurt and confused right now.

[kml]

Yes, he can physically leave the apartment before June..... He can do what unfaithful husbands who have been booted out of their homes have done for years: sleep on a friends couch or sleep in his office at work.

[melweb]

His company is paying for this apt til our house sells.

[Sotto]

Ugh, I'm sorry Melweb - that's horrible. I guess at least you know the current status of things and can handle yourself accordingly. It sounds as though you handled the convo well Sweetie.

Wow, what OW said made my blood boil! I agree with you a truth dart would have been tempting - "I don't find sleeping with my H respectful." Or similar. My H told me - he hopes I'll see he's a genuine guy who may have made mistakes but knows what he truly wants now - a new family. MLCers want the situation to be 'good' (it's okay she respect you, it's okay I'm a genuine guy who knows what he wants now) - when actually it's bad.

It's tough, but do try to remember she is nothing to you and his problem only. She is not worthy of your time or energy. Would you look twice at your H if you met him right now? That she did tells you a lot about her. And I can tell you she does not hold a candle to you.

Without reading back, what do you intend to do in June? I do think he is cake eating, going to see her for the weekend and then coming back for more R talks with you. Do you think he just sees it as OK and that you are basically 'all but' S now?

Take care Sweetie - I think you're doing well in the most trying of circumstances xx

[melweb]

Thanks Sotto for the words I needed to hear. As usual.

I am trying to tell myself: What has she "won?" I know it has come up here before. Clearly she has won 'the short, chubby, depressed man" and I'll throw in drunk, lying, cheating bastard for free. Oh wait-- he doesn't consider it cheating, because he had already told me he was leaving back in November. I guess all those times he said he was NOT leaving and not ready to give up on us don't count. My bad! Yup, he wants to be the good guy in all this.

My H says similar things Sotto -- he's doing me a favor, and someday I'll thank him, that I'll find someone who loves me the way I want to be loved. Brings up the past waayyy too much. I have agreed that the past M was not good, and took responsibility for my side of the road. But it had its moments. And I really thought we were making progress. Again, my bad.

He did bring that up yesterday-- why I am so hooked on that 45 days of reconciliation? I said I guess you gave me false hope, but it sure seemed like we were making progress. He said he was confused. This is where I agreed.

Another thing that keeps getting thrown in my face is my EA from almost 10 years ago. Its not a thing that comes up often, only when he likes to use it as a weapon. I don't even think I knew what an EA was back then. I will not excuse it because it was wrong and I hurt him. Our M was in a pretty bad place, he was being verbally abusive, he was very depressed. I still made the choice. I have apologized, and said I never wanted it to go physical and I didn't want to leave him, I just wanted things to be better between us. In retrospect, I don't think we fully resolved it back then. Clearly.

June is when he can actually leave. We cannot afford two households right now, and he gets a bonus in June to pay off some debt etc, to make that happen. Plus we are hoping our house will be sold by then.

Things feel like they are going from bad to worse. I have decided that I need to call a doctor tho about my sleeping, or lack of, actually. And I have an appt Wed to see an IC.

The rational part of my brain knows this A has not a snowballs chance, so let it go and die a natural death. The other part keeps telling that rational part tho--" who are you kidding Melweb? There is nothing for him here. Clearly he has moved on."