Life's a Dance-One Step Forward and Two Steps Back

[ciluzen]

I also wonder sometimes if that's a projection. I wonder if somewhere in all that fog, the thought process goes ... If 2T were treating me this way, this is how I would think and feel about her. Therefore, since I'm treating her this way, this is how she thinks and feels about me.

This is an interesting idea, 2T. I've often felt that H was projecting thoughts and ideas onto me. I've also noted that others here have similar stories where their S seems to be projecting. I wonder if it is more the MLCer that keeps their thoughts to themselves that tends toward projecting because there is no one to bounce ideas off of or call them out on it; or if even those who share with others do it. I tend to reverse H's words a lot to see if that fits better when thinking of his projecting, by the way. For instance, "You don't like me" when surrounded by stupid examples of minor irritations, becomes "I don't like you". "I've held you back" and "I made you miserable" make more sense as "You held me back" and "You've made me miserable" when you take into account that he can't really read my mind.

[melweb]

I agree... Interesting. Along those lines, my H seems to think he knows what is best for both of us.

So he fell off fence tonite. He is leaving in June. Thinks a separation is what we both need. He loves me, doesn't want a D, would like to hang out on holidays, and go out on Fridays for happy hour. I told him I could not guarantee that.

He knows I have been snooping, counting condoms and Cialis and been talking to a counselor. He said two can play that game. I said its not a game and I did nothing wrong. Also to know that he must have been snooping too, and got into my email.

This is just so hard. He's in, he's out, he's trying, he's leaving. I did not cry tonite tho. Its getting easier. How sad is that? I just said 'ok, I prefer if you stayed, but if this is what you need" I listened some more, he tried to joke... Wanted to know if I could get his groceries and still iron his clothes. I said "Um. No"

I then got up and left. The house. He asked where I was going and I said " a drive"

I am at the bookstore.

[HaWho]

Oh, Melweb - first off, great job not losing it, crying and not bothering to reason with him!!! Good job listening and validating. Nice job!! Really!!

Soon he will lure you back into a r talk. Stay consistent. Don't get dragged into it all as it will change and change. See how crazy his thought process is?!?

I don't know what advice to give you. My h threatened to leave as well. I think if he had, he'd be further along than he is now. But I am not sure how I would have handled that. Hard to tell as we get the MLCer we get and we have to forge ahead from there.

[Sotto]

Hi Melweb, I agree with HaWho and think you did well with that one. What you describe does show that many MLCers just want the LBS exactly where they left them while they go off and explore life 'on the other side'...

You did well to stay calm and enforce a couple of boundaries I think xx

[melweb]

Thanks HW and Sotto. I think I did pretty good with that interaction. Like I said, its getting easier and these BDs (can I even call them that?) don't really surprise me. In fact, I would not be surprised if he changes his crazy a$$ mind again in a week or two. Or tomorrow. Or tonite.

He has taken it a step further this time tho and told S15 that he was leaving while I was at the booksore last night. I thought this was gonna be really hard for him, and was kind if banking on him not being able to do it. And I still think saying and doing it are two different things. Maybe it was hard as I did not witness it. He loves S15 more than life itself. Anyhow S15 shot a truth dart--- he wants to go back to state we just moved from, 1500 mi away. H has been adamant that he would fight me if I tried to take him back, and I needed to stay here so he could maintain an R with S15, for his support and of course the possibility of us working on M. I honestly was not making a decision until S15 knew all the facts. But I was really leaning toward NOT moving. But did not want to show H all my cards.

So H just came in to talk while I was typing. Mostly about me and S15 moving back. Logistically and financially, its not even really possible. Plus I have a job and an apt here. We would go back to nothing. S15 has one friend there he is missing and I am not sure that is reason enough. I guess I have some thinking to do, but H brought up some good points. How do we work on M and possible reconciliation if we are 1500 miles apart? Again I stayed calm and collected and just told him have some things to think about. (I find it interesting that he talks about this being a 'separation with possible reconciliation, ' yet in the same breath makes it sound a whole lot more permanent.)

I really am ok today. I am going to church then gym. I have some boring mom stuff like laundry, but I will maintain PMA. He does not get to rent space in my head today!!


I do think I have to move my cake but still unsure how to do that.

[2Times2Many]

I agree with the others ... you handled that so well, Mel.

He loves me, doesn't want a D, would like to hang out on holidays, and go out on Fridays for happy hour. I told him I could not guarantee that.

I've lost count as to how many times I've heard a similar speech. My H actually admitted once that he was terrified he was making a big mistake and might come to regret what he did/was doing (leaving me).

Sotto is right. They want us to stay right where we are just in case ....

[melweb]

Oh-- I wanted to mention that H keeps trying to justify leaving by telling me that "if it were not for our financial difficulties, you would have left 100 times." He's probably right, but how do I answer that? He seems so fixated on the " shoulda, coulda, wouldas" , the past crappy M, and his own pity party.

[TxHubby]

Fence sitting [censored] and it will eat your soul. Want to stop all that nonsense? YOU file for D. It doesn't mean you two will go all the way through with it but it will force a "come to Jesus" moment where you're either going one way or the other. Right now he's a cake eater. He has a family and probably OW. Both whenever he wants them on his terms. No no no. You can't allow that. You have worth. You won't put up with that crap. He's back and forth as you say. That's no way to live. You're worth too much to put up with that. File for D. Shock the paradigm.

[melweb]

Some weekend musings:

1)) I cannot pull off "don't start convos and keep words scarce." For me, no matter how hard I try, it comes off angry and cold. And H has accused me of such. I can see why he does tho, because when I get angry , in the past, I was a "silent treatment" type of girl. I remember this from before-- I need to engage in friendly way, not over-do, not be needy and pursue-y.

2)H always brings up R. Always! And the dude will not let go of the past. I've have said "I cannot fix or change anything that happened in the past. We must move forward." His reply yesterday was "that is where I left my feelings. In the past." I said "I am sorry you feel that way."

3) When speaking of R, H is insistent that we be friends, hang out for holidays, coffee, etc. While I have told him that I cannot guarantee that, he almost gets angry with me--"Why not?! After 21 years?!" He kept digging. The more I try to just validate and let it go, my emotions got the best of me. While I did not cry last night during R talk. I finally said "Because I still love you and that will hurt me!" (Jeepers Mel--just STFU) There was more R talk after that. I gathered my senses, and did end up leaving the room first while he was still eating dinner.


On a more positive note (I guess :/), I have made an appt to see a lawyer this week. Just the consult, but I need to know what I might be up against. H says he does not want a D, so I am not sure how that translates when we are trying to maintain two separate households.

Speaking of separation, anyone have any advice on a "controlled separation?" Should I make some boundaries/rules? I am of course specifically referring to seeing other people. Maybe a time limit. I like the idea, but wonder if it is putting too much pressure, and it could back fire on me. Maybe those work for other situations but not MLC. Thoughts would be appreciated.

[ciluzen]

1)) I cannot pull off "don't start convos and keep words scarce." For me, no matter how hard I try, it comes off angry and cold. And H has accused me of such. I can see why he does tho, because when I get angry , in the past, I was a "silent treatment" type of girl. I remember this from before-- I need to engage in friendly way, not over-do, not be needy and pursue-y.

I'm the same way. I've tried and also sound cold. Then I end up apologizing for sounding cold. Which gives him power over me and he says (detached) you can sound however you like. He can pull off detached well...he's had years to think about this! So I stay upbeat and cheerful, busy, make eye contact and try to be fun. All the while busily preparing for the D to go final and the house to go on the market. It seems to confuse him, as I've told him before its not what I want. But by working hard for what I don't want, I see him moving slower... I think you find what works best through the 180s. Sounds like you are 180ing the usual silent treatment.

2)H always brings up R. Always! And the dude will not let go of the past. I've have said "I cannot fix or change anything that happened in the past. We must move forward." His reply yesterday was "that is where I left my feelings. In the past." I said "I am sorry you feel that way."

3) When speaking of R, H is insistent that we be friends, hang out for holidays, coffee, etc. While I have told him that I cannot guarantee that, he almost gets angry with me--"Why not?! After 21 years?!" He kept digging. The more I try to just validate and let it go, my emotions got the best of me. While I did not cry last night during R talk. I finally said "Because I still love you and that will hurt me!" (Jeepers Mel--just STFU) There was more R talk after that. I gathered my senses, and did end up leaving the room first while he was still eating dinner.

I'm usually the one to bring up R talk (not so much anymore), but I'm the same. We emotional wimmens and our teary "I love you's"! Yeah, my H wants to be friends, too. But that's friends on his terms, and he doesn't even know what his terms are. Holidays? Dunno. Working on the house? Never know which H I get. I HAVE figured out he doesn't like to call on work days (throws himself into work). I do believe being "friends" is a link that keeps the door open. Just figure out your boundaries so you take care of you.


On a more positive note (I guess :/), I have made an appt to see a lawyer this week. Just the consult, but I need to know what I might be up against. H says he does not want a D, so I am not sure how that translates when we are trying to maintain two separate households.

Speaking of separation, anyone have any advice on a "controlled separation?" Should I make some boundaries/rules? I am of course specifically referring to seeing other people. Maybe a time limit. I like the idea, but wonder if it is putting too much pressure, and it could back fire on me. Maybe those work for other situations but not MLC. Thoughts would be appreciated.

I really think you have no control in this area. No way of enforcing it? Maybe I don't understand. Would you
like to see others after a certain time or are you saying he should not until a certain time? Just clarifying. If it is an agreement to not see others for a certain time, prepare to have it seen as controlling and therefore a boundary begging to be crossed by an MLC mind. Just my thoughts.