Moved here from newcomers as I don't feel a newcomer anymore. T: 12 years, M: 10 years, 2 young children. Not English speaker so when I moved to UK, got no family support from my side. Background: 6 years ago MIL died in tragic car accident while I has just given birth to my second child, my first one was 19 months old and was dealing with my dad having Leukaemia. Since we have been together we have moved houses 4 ( in a couple of months it'll be number 5 but separately this time), H has changed job 4 times. 3 years ago H mentioned that he wasn't happy, that he was going to put himself first and that he needed a holiday. We'd go on holidays in UK or back to my home town. H said few things about me and I try to rectify them but I found it hard to deal with two young children, a full time job, a dog and a house to run while H was only attending his needs. On Valentines day 2015 found out H was having an A for 2 years ( it started at the same time as him telling me he was going to put his needs first), I gave him a chance but found out that 2 weeks after he told OW it was over he has been back with her for 2 weeks! So I kicked him out. I did everything I shouldn't have done until I found DB. For the first 2 months after I kicked him out OW wasn't in the picture, but 2 months later H took his wedding ring off and told me it was over. Before he was back to OW he would stay at home longer and speak to me. Now I'm treated the same way as his ex-partner. Won't talk to me nor stay in the same room as me. H has a child from previous relationship and left kid when she was 3! Meet me 4 months later, our relationship was long distance for 6 months to start with. He is still with OW, says he doesn't live with her but I know he does, he meet her kids. He hasn't introduced her to our two, when I asked he said that our kids are happy like that, that in a couple of years there might be someone else. He has introduced stepdaughter to her but only once. H has bought a house nowhere near me OW. I went dark for a while but allowed him to come back to the house as kids wanted it. H is very cold towards me, since last week he has dropped kids at doorstep, whereas before he'd come in. Two weeks ago he asked for something that we seemly agreed on & I said I'd think about it but as it didn't go his way he started this not being in the same room as me behaviour.
Last Friday ( bank holiday) H decided to pick up kids early than his normal time expecting me to drop what I was doing to suit him ( like he was expecting me to be home as it was bank holiday). I validated him but also added that 3 hours notice before he wanted to change access time was a bit unfair as I could have planned something else. I added that I would be grateful if he could appreciate that at times he can't expect me to drop what I do to fit with his plans.
H told me that he would come and do a job while he drops present for daughters' birthday tomorrow. He didn't mention when, so I asked him when he said at some point during the day. I replied not possible, then he said in the afternoon, then replied not possible as I have guests. He said just before lunch which I replied not possible as guest are coming for lunch and I said that it'd be better if he could come in the morning. Didn't ask what time! Since that conversation last Friday, H is completely ignoring me in my own house. Sorry for any typo as I'm on my iPhone.
Forgot to add H hasn't filed yet but said he'll do it once house is sold. We aren't even legally separated, but got an appointment to do this. Not because I want to but produced a letter in which I'll be losing out financially!
Sorry forgot to also mentioned that he got his first kid at 21 and left her when she was 3 years old. Hum, after reading my previous post and this one I can see a common pattern, H started his affair when my youngest was 3! Maybe he doesn't like the number 3 :-)!
Family background: my dad cheated only mum and she only found out because she caught an STD, parents still together. His background: FIL a serial cheater ( including a 3 year affair and suspicion of a child with an OW), his 3 siblings all of them cheated on their husbands!
Please please please see an attorney before you sell the house. If there is equity in the house you need to have a negotiated agreement in place. What if he owes you money in the divorce, but he's squandered his share of the house proceeds? DO NOT agree to anything financial until you see an attorney. You need to protect yourself and your children financially. Rolling over and giving the WAS whatever they want has never ever worked to bring them home. Standing up for yourself sometimes does.
You've both been through some tough times and the depression that triggers can certainly trigger a crisis. But consider the possibility also that maybe your H is just an unsteady, unreliable partner. His track record with work and relationships doesn't sound very good.
I agree with KML. My H suggested we sell the marital home. He was using our city flat and I was renting and it would have suited me to have a chunk of money now.
However, my L advised only selling as part of full settlement of finances. In my sitch, we have two properties and investments too - but the marital home was the only thing we jointly bought and if we sold it and worst case scenario H gambled away all other assets there would be nothing left.
But, if the marital home remained as leverage, there was always going to be a significant asset there, even if he squandered away everything else. I would never have thought about all this and I valued her advice and have stuck with it.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the MLC Forum. It's not the place where you want to be, but I can assure you, you will find a wealth of info here to help you navigate your h's crisis.
I agree w/the ladies, get in touch with a lawyer and find out what your rights are w/respect to the house and the financials. The more info that you obtain, the better for you and do not share that info w/your h. Please do not agree to and/or sign anything w/o a lawyer looking over the paperwork. Do not trust and/or rely on someone in crisis to do the right thing. They are unreliable and will say one thing and do another. Promises mean nothing when it comes to money when it comes to the crisis person. Also, if the lips are moving, they are lying most of the time.
The more knowledge you have, the more power you will have over your situation. Come here to ask questions, vent, share, etc. There is always someone around to listen.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you very much everyone, I appreciate your input. Had a thought last night, everyone if know wants me to skin him down financially, unfortunately it's not in my nature. He has written a Letter saying that if I agree to half share of the house sale, he wouldn't touch my savings, pension or assests. I'm going to see solicitor to have it written officially! It won't be legally binding as we need to be divorced for that to happen and I don't want a D. Last time I went to solicitor she said that when D happens the fact that H has signed a paper agreeing to the above would put him in an awkward situation if when we come to D, he asks for more in front of judge!
I'm just wondering if H isn't in MLC but just done with me and used the A as a way out. He came way early today ( was our eldest birthday) and stayed longer than usual. He did a little job and said he'd come back tomorrow to finish it off to which I said no and he finished it here and there. I had made one of his favourite dish as we had guests, so I offered him some before he left. Then offered him to come back later in late afternoon for a slice of cake. He gave me a time, but didn't show up. I wasn't too bothered to be honest, and he turned up half an hour later. Then stayed with kids until we were ready to eat.
While he was there we discussed the share of furniture, which we both agreed on as it's what I had in mind anyway. He even offered me to keep something he built before we met! He also talked about his projects, work . No mention about how I was or what I'm up to. It didn't really bothered me. I guess that it's what you are calling detaching.
I know that offering him some food and asking him to come back later for a piece of cake is against DB as it was like we were again as a family, but I offered him food as I wanted to (not to nice him back), and as it was his daughters'birthday I wanted to be nice. By doing those things he feels like he hasn't lost anything.
My logic behind it is that when I'll be looking back at my life, do I want my kids to remember how bitter I was with their dad or do I want them to see me behaving woth dignity and treat their dad the same way I'd do with a friend. I have chosen the latter as it's who I am: a caring person. I lost that side of me when I became a mother, got stressed by my job and swallowed by everyday life. This has cost me my marriage and i have to get back to who I was before I got married.
Had a thought last night, everyone if know wants me to skin him down financially, unfortunately it's not in my nature
No one here is asking you to "skin" him. Unfortunately, though, many women tend to be "too nice" to their Hs and as a consequence, get really abused in the finances of the divorce.
Again, do NOT agree to anything without a DETAILED financial analysis from an attorney. You need to know what you would likely get if you divorced and it went before a judge. You need to get a FAIR settlement in order to protect your future and the kids (and frankly, to protect the estate against H pissing it away, in case he does come back.)
Is your pension worth more than his? What savings and debts do you two have? Who makes the larger income? Would he be likely to owe you alimony? How much will child support be? Is it really in your best interests to sell the house?
When the WAS offers you a deal, it is SELDOM to your advantage (except sometimes in the very beginning if they feel really guilty - but those often renege on the deal later).
Here's on sample scenario. Imagine you sell the house and agree that you each keep your own savings and pensions. He squanders his half of the house proceeds. Then you end up in a divorce and discover that there are marital debts you didn't know about. He's broke but you still have your share of the house money and you end up having to spend it all on the debts.
Or, imagine you agree to split half the house in exchange for him leaving your pension alone, but you later discover that HIS pension was worth a lot more than yours, and you should have received a larger share of the house money as compensation for that inequality.
These are just a couple of the many ways in which you might be getting taken advantage of. Don't make the mistake of confusing the financial aspects of a divorce (to protect you from his financial mistakes) with the emotional aspects of the relationship (people can and do remarry after a divorce).
Bear in mind, too, that at least here in the States, it is often an option to stay in the house, with H contributing to the mortgage above and beyond the amount that you might have to spend in rent, with an agreement to sell the house and split the proceeds once the children are grown. (Granted, this type of agreement is more common when the kids are a bit older than yours.)
Just assume, for the moment, that anything he is proposing benefits him more than you, and do not5 agree to it until your lawyer and accountant have evaluated it.
Thank you very much Kml. I'm the biggest earner and he has no pension, so by having him signing that he gets 50 % of sale of the house but leaves the rest alone, I'm protecting myself. He has more to gain from me, than me from him!
I don't want to fight. I know that financially I'll be fine. Having the new house is a good start for me as I'll have a low mortgage and I even calculated that without child maintenance from him I still be able to have a descent life. I don't want to be too generous, but I want to be fair to him as he sold his first house to allow us to buy the one we are selling now.
If it's a good deal for you, then I recommend going ahead and filing for divorce in order to get it all FIRMLY documented. Again, early generosity usually gives way pretty quickly to stinginess. And even if he signs a paper it really has no legal standing as you are not in a divorce. He could come back at any time in the future and claim that his situation has changed, he didn't realize how much bigger your pension was, he wants alimony, etc etc. WASs in crisis have a way of falling into financial ruin, and once that happens, all bets are out the window in so far as financial agreements go.
Also, make sure he's not counting on not having to pay child support. Child support is very important for your children's futures and you definitely should not let him off the hook for that unless he's going to be doing 50% of childcare and splitting all kid expenses 50%.
I know you don't want a divorce, but once he's said he's going to file and is living with another woman, you NEED the legal protection of a divorce (or legal separation - but in my state, at least, a legal separation would have been just as much work and e4xpenses, and then you'd have to pay that all again once you divorced). Plus, if he's offering you a good deal now, you should get it set in stone before he reneges on the deal (a VERY VERY common occurrence I'm afraid.)
Rouky, You are the only one that can determine whether to invite your h over for meals and cake. If you are comfortable in doing so, then do it.
As for the financials, please listen to kml. She's a very smart lady who knows exactly what she's talking about. Sure, right now, he may say that if you sell the house and give him his half, he won't go after your retirement, savings or assets. Even if you get him to sign a piece of paper, when the time comes, he could cry the blues to the judge and say he signed it under duress or when he was on hard times because it's the only way that he could get the money from the sale of the house.
I would make darn sure that anything that happens pre-divorce is handled by a lawyer and is legally binding because anything at this point could changes, especially after he gets his hands on his share of the house sale. You can be fair about things, but you need to ensure that you are legally protected. No one is saying to take him to the cleaners, but we are saying that you need to have a legally binding agreement in place and that may mean divorce.
Yes, I do understand that you don't want a divorce, but there are times when one may be necessary in order to protect the assets, etc. If he should ever get his act together and want to reconcile, you can then decide if you want him back and remarry.
He had choices and he made the wrong ones and now...he has to face the consequences of his actions and sometimes...they have to lose everything before they come to realize that what they had was what they were looking for all along.
For now, you have to focus on you, your children and especially your monetary assets.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a down day because I was worried about finances. Supposed to exchange contract this week or next week but only seeing solicitor in 2 days. I guess I left it too late as I was still hoping that H would come back. Silly me. I came to the conclusion that there isn't much I can do about it. I'll have a letter draft by solicitor to make it more official to H to sign. That I will probably will have to withhold exchanging contract for a while so H signs the paper. I know he'll not be happy but I can't be kicked out of the house, and I could just live in even if he only pays half the mortgage as his name is on it!
If I move house I don't really need his child maintenance ( he offers lower than what he gives to his eldest whereas we have two kids!). I can't even be angry with that!
He is happy to spend his time with two of his great friends ( only learnt about them about few years ago), who are in their early forties but never married, no children and both single! My H is hardly ever in touch with his old friends since he accused them of behaving wrongly (ie being cold, distant with him whilst the weekend before he was bragging to them about OW) with him the night I found out about his cheating! And in the evening he is with OW. He even told me that he'd taking one of his two mates away for a long weekend as a thank you for puting him up the last year!
Funny thing is that H would never spend any money on me or finding good deals for the kids' birthdays, now he is spending a lot more on our kids: taking them to the cinema, nice little restaurants, doing fun things with him! He evn wants to take them abroad in summer whereas before he was saying he couldn't take some time of during summer. I'd take my kids to see back my parents but he used me going to see my family as one of the reason why he cheated because I was putting my family before us!
My parents called to say one of my auntie passed away, unfortunately because I was so low today I cried and started to feel sorry for myself! Now I have done it I'm feeling better but I'm at an age where I should be strong enough not to cry like a baby.
Thanks for allowing me to express how I felt today.
I am sorry that your aunt passed away. Your emotions are very raw and it's understandable that you would cry. We can cry at any age and there's no shame in that. In a way, crying helps us to heal and move on a bit.
Sounds like your h is trying to buy the love of his kids. They'll figure this out in time.
The MLCer becomes the mirror image (opposite) of the old self and will do things that they didn't do with us.
Take of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If I move house I don't really need his child maintenance ( he offers lower than what he gives to his eldest whereas we have two kids!). I can't even be angry with that!
Child maintenance is money he owes to your KIDS. If you don't need it for day to day expenses, put it away in savings for them later. Odds are he won't be able to help them with college expenses when the time comes, you can put it away in a college fund for them. There are formulas for figuring out the child support amounts.
If I move house I don't really need his child maintenance ( he offers lower than what he gives to his eldest whereas we have two kids!). I can't even be angry with that!
Or use some of the child support money to buy disability and life insurance on yourself, so that the kids are taken care of if you get sick or die.
Hey Rouky I proud of you for being able to cry There is no shame in it and it shows how deeply you feel for your family and loved ones. I only wish that I could have been there to wipe your tears. Be strong lady and be smart. You are a great mom and a great friend and a source of strength for me and others. I hope you rest well and have a great tomorrow!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
kml has given you excellent advice. The child support money is definitely something you will need to agree to whether you need it or not. I like kml's ideas and I think you should consider them. But, that's my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think God is giving me some time to sort things out. Got a letter from solicitor regarding exchanging contract but there were few errors, then got a phone call from surveyor indicating that he is concerned about something in the house I'm supposed to buy. So I called the solicitor who them told me that they have been querying few more things on the hour I'm buying and she said not to sign the contract before I got answer to my queries!
So a huge relief here, as tomorrow I'm meeting with solicitor to arrange for legal separation if not filing to secure myself financially. I feel like a huge weight has been taken of my shoulder! As my H taught me always keep your cards close to your chest!
Went to solicitor and went ahead with legal separation. I am protecting myself financially. Solicitor said that H's proposal was fair as I could end up with less equity from the sale if it were to go to court through D judge. If it was the case I'd be able to afford a descent house for kids and myself! She says that his proposals are fair and not to rock the boat too much.
I'd be lying if I didn't shed few tears but this is how it is and now I have reached the point of acceptance that this is my life now! I also found out that there is a lot of history of nervous breakdowns/ depression in my H's family (my FIL had one, one of FIL sister had to be institutionalised due to severe depression).
Doing legal separation means that when H will file for D it'll be quick as all financial aspects would have been sorted out. I know he'll file for it as soon as he is in his new house, so I'm expecting it in the next 3 months. I'm fine now with it as for once in his life he won't be able to blame someone else for his mistakes and he'll take responsability for ending this marriage. I only protected myself financially today.
On another note got a hi and thank you in the same text by H. A nice gesture as I never got anything like that since separation! Also OW updated her FB profile pictures with a quote happiness this way. It hurt a bit because she did it on the anniversary of the day I kicked him out and changed it as the same time I called her last year to tell her that she could have my H! This has made me realised that she feels she needs to be in a competition with me and that she is insecure to put have chosen that day and that time. I don't believe in coincidence!
If I were her I'd start to feel worried, and this is only my take: for 2 years she has been OW in the dark, and now for a year his GF ( so in total 3 years with him), but H still hasn't initiate D proceeding, hasn't introduced his 2 young kids, then bought a house that isn't near her or me ( he could have said that he bought his house where it is so he can do it up and sell it, but it's all renovated). Also with H's record with women: left his first child when she was 4 because he hated her mum, then cheated on his wife and left two other young kids, I guess I'd be concerned if I was his new girlfriend. I can understand when someone leaves their partner but when it happens twice and that the second time he would still be with his wife if she hasn't found out about the affair cries big red flag to me. It looks like a pattern to me from H's behaviour. Or OW is so desperate that she will accept anything from H.
Also in his letter H has outlined what kind of access he would like for the kids and it looks like he would be only spending a day with OW every other weekend! Not a good start for a new relationship if your partner wants his kids every weekend, but hasn't introduced them to you.
I know I shouldn't focus on OW, but it looks like she might not get the relationship she wants with him, so it proves me that H is the one with BIG and SERIOUS issues not me .
You are right Rouky this is about your husband. He is unhappy with his own life and looks in all the wrong places to find it. You are a step closer to the door of acceptance and I want to tell you that it isn't as scary as you think it is. Good for you for protecting yourself financially with the separation. None of this is your fault and you have to look out for yourself and children because your husband isn't going to. Praying for peace for you Rouky!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I agree with Shotgun about you being absolutely right about your H. His issues will just follow him about from relationship to relationship unless he realises it's all inside him and deals with it. Just incredibly sad for the people he hurts along the way. I also agree with what you said about the OW. I've never understood how someone can trust somebody who they knowingly are the OW/OM to! How do they believe in all honestly that they won't do the same to them? If I were her I'd be feeling incredibly insecure about the fact that after 3 years I haven't met his children! Not very committed to her it seems.
Well done for taking the steps to see a solicitor to protect yourself financially. That must have been very hard. The thought fills me with dread. At least H is doing something right if your solicitor said he is offering a good deal. Stay strong. x
I won't say that asking for legal separation is what I want but it has helped in a way to speed up detachment. H texted today saying that he couldn't drive as he's off work and got strong pain killers.
At the beginning I thought it was a prank as it's April's fool today, unfortunately it wasn't. I validated and said that I'll drop kids to him. When I saw him he was well drugged up and it didn't affect me like I thought it would. I guess it's what everyone calls detachment!
H texted and tried to call several times but it was related to house sale, so no big issues there. I'm under no illusion that OW will come to see him tonight but I'm fine with it. I can't see any baby steps from H, so I guess it's making it better or shall I say easier to detach. It's a shame that H isn't prepared to give our marriage a chance. Now I can look at our photos without feeling sad, crying or being angry. Although still went on OW FB page and I could feel the anger boiling like a volcano about to explode. So now I'm not going to check her out again. She is welcome to have him as he has been able to deceive,lie to me and I can honestly say that he WILL NOT change. He won't look about his share in the failure of our marriage and he certainly won't do the work he needs to have a healthy relationship with anyone. If she thinks he'll change with her, I think she is going to be chocked or maybe she will accept everything he wants just to keep him as she must know that if he cheated on me for so long, the same could happen to her.
You seem strong and in a good place making wise choices
The OP is usually a sick and desperate person first they are dating a married person I don't think they think so much of their future partner as a cheater they are cheaters too probably people with low esteem and little morals Sometimes I read on the boards they have addiction issues my XH wife 14 years his junior has psych issues Ive been told she never actually met his kids while they were in this area I like what u said and I feel the same
She can have XH..I wish them both the best it it wasn't her it would have been someone Mlcers usually get OP
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I was reading on the newcomers about if the WAS/WS is truly done they are indifferent. H has spent most of his day trying to sort out things for the same of our house and he could have as well left it with me, but I guess it isn't being indifferent to me but he sees it as business and it has to be dealt with. Also he said a couple of things I could do before I move house. So would you consider this as I difference or just being polite. I guess he never was like that with his first partner, so could it be guilt? Who knows just thinking out loud :-)
Hmmm, I wonder this a lot with my H too Rouky. As you say, who knows. I don't think we'll ever be able to understand what makes a MLCer tick!
My H still does 'looking after me' things like that too yet he clearly doesn't see it as a sign that he cares for me. I have looked back at a lot of things from years ago that didn't register at the time but now I see that H is a very controlling person. So maybe he does the things he does as a way of controlling me. Maybe your H is the same? Either way, it seems they can't totally let go.
Hi Rouky! How is the world's sexiest little French girl? I am thinking about you this morning and I hope that you are having a fun weekend. I haven't heard much about your GAL activities and I hope that you are still doing a few of them. How is your family? Are your daughters doing well in school? Is the weather getting nice there yet? Are you hearing the birds sing to you? They are there to tell you how special you are and to inform you of the blessing that you are to so many of us. Be strong Ma Cheri! Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hi Shotgun, I had a brilliant day yesterday but not so good today, so it equals itself :-). My GAL is none existent as I'm trapped for cash since I went for legal separation. I prefer to spend the few monies I have left on my kids than me as they need to feel that they still can be able to get a life!. My contact with H is to the minimum, and I'm slowly starting to realise that none of this is my fault. I still love H, but I think it's the one I married not the one he has became!. I think I want him because I'm afraid of being unattractive and not fun. I don't know how to let my head down, laugh and appreciate life.
My job is mainly female orientated, so I don't get much of a change to meet opposite sex. Going out is difficult as the cost is mounting, and I don't want H to babysit because last time I asked him to, he later threw it back at my face that it was convenient for me to ask him to look after his own kids!
I'm plodding along with my life.It's not as happy I'd like to but it definitively as bad as I thought it'd be a year ago. I though my life was over, it isn't as it's taking me on a different road. Can't say I'm ovr the moon by this new direction, but I have to make the best of it.
OK Rouky I'm glad you responded. Very noble of you to spend your extra cash on the kids but I want to tell you what my sister says; "Put your own oxygen mask on first". If you have ever flown you will get that. You have to be able to save yourself in order to save your children. I'm also glad to hear you say that this isn't your fault. It isn't and part of your putting your life back together is realizing that you are a special person and deserving of being treated as such. God Bless you for trying so hard to save your marriage but I think the DB principles are about saving yourself as well. Try to find a few minutes for yourself dear and get yourself out there. Maybe go to the gym or a football match or something that has a bunch of testosterone floating around. Give some guys a chance to check you out and maybe flirt a little. I am here for you as always and praying that you smile a little tomorrow. Bonsoir Rouky!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I have been off as got family round. The kids and I had a great time, despite being very sad when they left. I'm very family orientated and it broke my heart to see them go but they don't live near me and I'm grateful to have seen them. I was close to my siblings but what happened to me as even brought us closer. H was a no show this week: well at the beginning of the week he says he couldn't come to see kids because he was injured and couldn't drive ( despite me finding out that the previous day he went to play for his hobby team!). Then in the middle of the week said he couldn't come because of his injury and asked me if I wanted to live it for this day ( I just replied that I couldn't drop the kids, but he was more than welcome to come, and guess what ni reply, no show!). Then today was his birthday, so got the kids to call him, he was very cold on the phone . Tonight was doing a training when he came to pick them up so couldn't speak to him. Then when he dropped them (I had guests at the time), I felt he was very rude as he ignored the guests! I guess someone was in fawl mood! It doesn't matter because I guess OW would have taken care of him today!
It still hurts to be in this situation, but if he can treat me like that after 12 years together I think I'm better off without him.
Bonjour Rouky! I'm happy for you having had family to see you. It's interesting that you have gotten closer to your siblings. The last year has made my siblings and I very close! We have a group text that we all use to check on one another and cheer each other and offer compassion. Reading your post caused me to send out a Good Day to them.
Not surprised at your fool of a husband acting like a clown. Sounds like he is still deeply lost in the fog. You have no power to turn the light on for him so please don't drive yourself crazy trying to. As for him being too injured to see his kids, I would have to be in the hospital to not go see my children. Maybe there will be a point in his life where he gets it together but who knows?
I hope you are getting a handle on your finances and are able to do a couple of fun things each week. Crappy weather here so not getting to enjoy nature the way I wish but hopefully it is nicer there. Take care of yourself Rouky and stay the beautiful person that you are! Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Is this detachment? Did a bit of tidying up today, saw photos of H and I when we first met and felt literally nothing. I have come to realise that H isn't in a fog but clearly aware of what he does and instead of manning up ( sorry for spelling mistake) he has preferred the coward way and put the guilt on me for kicking him out.
H got given the deed of separation on Friday but hasn't mention it to me. He has always been a conflict avoider and when we got into a conflict (2 in total: one on the discovery of the A, the other one when he turned up with her necklace) he would get verbally aggressive. So don't know what he is going to do. I guess he has no choice as I haven't sign my agreement for approving the sale of the house.
I'm also reading the newcomers blog, and when I read their stories I'm sad for them but I'm not hurt inside like I was a couple of weeks ago. I have also realised that some of us are here for the second time round, and I'm not sure I want to chance that. Now I'm not attracted to H, I'm still hurt about how things have been done. If he was that unhappy he could have simply left (like he did with his first partner and first child), but instead chose to involve a third person! Oh well not much I can do about it.
GAL is on standby as really haven't got the money to go out, but I'm fine with it as got loads of work to do and I'm starting to clear things in the house for my move. Talking about moving, I had this nagging feeling for a while now about the house I'm about to buy. I had a survey done and it didn't come out good. Was paying full price for the sale but there were a lot of things that needed to be repaired enhance costing me more than what I wanted/ could afford to spend, so I pulled out. I feel bad for the vendor, on the other hand I have always shhh my inner voice in every kind of situation, and ended up hurt or unhappy. So this time I listened to it. I know from the beginning that it's have been a temporary accommodation, so for me to feel this way clearly indicates that it wasn't the right property for me.
I have put an offer on another house ( not where I wanted, but you have to make some compromises anyhow), it got accepted and I'm feeling way more comfortable with that choice. The only work I'll have to do is cosmetic (blue ain't my favourite colour, despite me being a water sign baby :-)!), so I'm happy to do some painting! I can see myself in this house for the long run.
In general I'm feeling good. I won't say exuberantly happy but content with my life at the moment. I have accepted that my M is over. I do know that it can't be saved. I do know H isn't in a fog and was looking for a way out that wouldn't put him in a bad light like if he was to walk away from his children again. I know I'm not ready for a relationship. Dating would be nice, although I think I need to go out more :-)!
So what am I doing? I'm working on myself spiritually. I'm working on stopping all those negatives thoughts I have about myself ( responsible for H's A, being worthless, not a good mother and the list goes on!), and it's really hard as I have been conditioned for the 40 years to feel worthless. Each step at a time. I know I'm going to get there slowly but surely.
And the last of all, I'd like to send a huge hug and deep gratitude to everyone here did their support, honest truth darts and reading my long poem about my life. Without you guys, I'll still feel sorry for myself instead of being the actress of my life. I don't know what the future holds but I do know that you saved me. So thank you once more to you all. A big special thank to you my dear Shotgun as I wouldn't have made it through without your encouragement :-).
Rouky, as I read your post, I was thinking to myself, "now there's a woman who is gonna be just fine". In fact, you'll be great. I know it's not the direction you intended for your life, but this is what the universe has planned for you... And there's potential for things to be even better than you imagined.
I'm glad you got a house! As you begin to make it your own, I'm sure you will love it.
Have a good one!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Just reporting. Had a brilliant day at work, never been so productive :-)!. H came round to see kids. He looked in pain, so I guess no hanky panky with OW! Once more looking at him I felt no physical attraction. I know my heart is still in limbo, but for the first time in a year I didn't think about H constantly! He still hasn't mentioned the deed of separation, but no surprise there. He has always avoided important discussions.
Shame that our M had to end this way. Will he ever come back? I don't know and I don't think that, by the time he realised that yes I have my flaws but I'm not that bad, I'd want him anyway.
I'm feeling so good again today. Let's keep it up Pimouse!
Wow had an interesting TM conversation with H. He found out about my pulling out of the first house and his message was quite aggressive. I just replied by saying that if he had looked at his email, he'd have understood why I did it. Then he accused me of playing games. I think he is scared that he'll loose his house . He asked me if I had signed the papers. I ignored this and just told him that as long as he does his bits and I do mind we will be fine. Then he started to talk about the kids, to which I replied that they are being looked after. He tried to put the guilty trip on me and that's when I send him a couple of truth darts. Like he didn't really think about the kids when he put us in the situation I'm faced with now. I also added that I won't let him bully me and that it's quite funny that if thugs don't go his way he becomes aggressive and blames everyone else but himself. Strange I didn't get a reply!
I'm no longer here to save my M, I'm here to be a better me and to stand for what I believe is right for me and my kids. It looks like that if it doesn't go his way he is having a tantrum :-)!
Not my problem anymore, time to face the consequences of your actions H.
You sound strong, Rouky. Good for you for standing your ground.
My h has done the same thing. When things don't go exactly his way, he goes off the deep end and blames everyone else. He lost it when I told him that what I wanted in the D is what the state says I should get.... He went bonkers!!!! Saying he thought he knew me better than that. I'm not quick with the truth darts, but you seemed to handle it well. Keep up the good work!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Rouky. Proud of you for standing up to your husband. You are fully capable of making decisions about buying a house and you do not need his approval. I saw you refer to yourself as Pimouse and it brought a smile to my face. I remember when you went by that handle! I always wondered what a Pimouse was but now I know that it is a very pretty lady who is kind, loving, passionate and intelligent. Sad for what you are going through but it always gives me strength to see your name. Have a great day Rouky!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Had a very good conversation with H and have managed to come to an agreement. He started to be aggressive and I ask him why he was like that as there was no need. Then he said I didn't trust him to which I replied could he blame me. Then he said he was aggressive because he had already this conversation with his ex and she took him to the cleaners. I validated and told him that by now he should know that I'd not do that. Did tell him few truth darts as it was appropriate. At one point he told me that I wasn't right in the head, I said I don't see why I should have given his housemate information when it wasn't his business!
Then I added that it was a shame that we didn't give us a second chance as there would still be the question what if! He went silent, then added that he has seen it with his parents. Clearly it's easier to run away than deal with issues. At another point he mentioned about buying our house, but realised what he had said and added separately. Then went to move on talking about the kids saying that they will be with their mum and dad, he paused and added separately.
As I said a good conversation. I got what I wanted. He got what he wanted. I did praised him for not introducing OW to the kids, and he said he had no intention!
All I can say is what a waste. I'm getting on with my life. Got asked to coach colleagues and just had a training day on it. I can't wait to start. A year ago I didn't have the skills that I have learnt from DB, and now I feel I can help others.
Am I still hopeful that I might save my M, after that conversation the door has just been left ajar, just enough to let a thin ray of hope. I reckon H will have a lot to do and from what he has told me he isn't prepared to do his share of the work!
Was just thinking. During our conversation on the phone, the longest in ages, he mentioned about me thinking of him as a ducking asle. This had puzzled me as why would he cares about what I think of him?
He hasn't mentioned D, just that the financial side of things to be taken care of! In two months I'll know if he files for it as he said he would. You know what I'm fine with it, I'm at peace. I feel I did my best to save my M. I'm better physically, emotionally and I can say I feel I'm no longer depressed. Don't wake up/ nor fall asleep thinking about him. I do think during the day but only when something prompts it, then I let it go.
Does anyone know about a manual/ book into men's brain? Couldn't all if us in MLC chip in and write a chapter each and get published! :-).
Anyway it's nice to vent here and to say that I'm feeling again in a good place today. I was feeling like that before the convo with H, so
Wow Rouky you are a fascinating study! Such an impressive lady considering what you have been put through. Glad to hear you talk from a standpoint of strength and determination. Have a great day and keep me in mind when you start writing that book as I want to write a chapter!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Wow what a roller coaster I'm on! I thought I was getting better but since H received deed of separation it has gone pretty nasty! Last week he put in less child maintenance money and found our yesterday on OW's FB page that he went away for his birthday! He told me he couldn't pay more because he has been off work! I challenged him and got a nasty text saying that it was none oft business what he does in his personal time. To which I reply when it involves non payment of mortgage and child maintenance it becomes my problem.
Then he threatened me with behaving towards me like he does with his first parner! I replied that it's funny that when it comes to him hearing few home truth he becomes nasty. I told him that in time I'll be happy for him if OW makes him happy. That she is beautiful and obviously get kids are old enough so she can completely focus on him and meet his needs.
I though I was doing so well, why does it hurts so much. In a couple of weeks there is his niece wedding and even if I said I'd be going I don't want as I know it's going to hurt to see her getting married while my marriage ended abruptly!
I'm sorry to hear this, Rouky. What an awful state to be in. You're in a dip, but you'll pull yourself out of it... I know you will!
When it comes to the legalities of all this, I think it angers our x's because in their warped mines, they feel the need to come out of this on top and not have that residual responsibility- especially financial responsibility. They were in a horrible m so they chose to get out of it, but when they learn that they are on the hook for stepping away... They get angry. I don't have children, but if I did, I would be fuming if their allocated funds were spent elsewhere and with OW. Ugh.
Chin up. Hugs.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I'm glad I had an appointment with IC. She said today I was in the same state as I was when I first started to work with her! I cried the whole session and she made me admitt that I still had hopes when clearly my H actions are showing no sign of wanted to R. She said he has compartmented his life and I have no place in it. She also made me admit that I was afraid of letting go because I feel like a damaged good ( if I'm not good enough for my H, who would want me?).
She also told me that loving him is causing me pain and if I was to let go the pain would go away. She asked me to stop to find excuses for my H and really see him for who he is! Truth darts I guess!
In two weeks I'm supposed to go to my niece wedding but I don't feel like going. It's going to be hard for me to be at a wedding when my own has brutally been ended! I'm happy for her but emotionally I'm a wreck and I don't want to spoil her day. I texted H to ask him to take the girls and he said that he really think that I should be going because his niece wants to see me there, that his family still think of me as family and that even though it might be difficult I (meaning me in his text)/ we can manage and be civil. IC said that H has really got not clue on how hurt I am and that maybe he wants me there because all his family will be there so he can show to everyone that we are friends! So he doesn't look bad.
I really can't go as I know I'll be in tears. His family has just given me support for the first couple of months but I haven't from most of in the the last 4 months. I still take my kids to see their grandad as I feel it's important that they stay in touch with him.
I'm such a fool to really have hope for something that will never happen.
Good Lord Rouky things just seem to get more complicated for you. `I can't understand why your husband would want you to go to the wedding with him instead of his girlfriend. Just speaking as your friend I think he is ashamed to take her so why cover for him? He is completely self centered in every other aspect of his life so why would he care about your feelings involving the wedding?
Letting go? That is a tough one. I remember thinking that if I let go of my ex then it would be over. It took some time for me to accept that I couldn't cause her to want me. Something had to change in her and so far it hasn't so ultimately I had to focus on my own healing. I feel for you because you surely feel like it is within your power to save the marriage but you are only half of the equation. And your husband doesn't consider your half. Maybe he will change his mind maybe not but you will have very little to do with his decision. I hate telling you that because I know how hurt you are but it really is up to him. You have done everything and then some to show your commitment to him so I hope you can let nature run it's course and focus within yourself.
As always Rouky I love you and pray for peace for you. I hope you can do something for yourself this weekend and can find a moment of happiness. God Bless you, Mark
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
IMHO it's not helpful for IC to say all you have to do is quit loving H and move on. That's not very easy to do at all. You can't just snap your fingers and change how you feel, no matter how hard you try. You sound very strong to me. Some days it hurts; we all get that up and down feeling.
I find it very interesting that H wants you to go to the wedding with him, and that he's not going with ow. I wonder if you could hold your head up high, be your gorgeous self, be happy and detached, and let him see what he's throwing away? I am a hopeless romantic, and I've probably seen too many movies, but what if seeing you in this context makes him miss you and want you back? (Or it could break your heart all over again if you have too many expectations.) It's just that I know too many friends/couples who have broken up, separated, even divorced, then got back together a couple of years (or less) later. La vie, c'est mystérieux, non?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thanks Shotgun and NyGal ( good to hear from you), OW has never been invited to the wedding because when my niece gave out the invitation she knew about OW but have never met her. To this day I don't know if OW has been introduced to any of H's siblings!
Found out that H has once again disabled his FB account and without a doubt told OW not to post anything as cover photos that could incriminate him as we aren't D nor yet legally separated.
I understand where you are coming from NyGal, unfortunately H has made his choice, moved on and him being behaving like that at the moment is only because I'm refusing to sign the contract of the sale of the house until he signs the deed of separation!
H is having a great life. He goes away for his birthday ( which we haven't done for the last 9 years because of first kid), he leads a single life with his GF without the day to day routine with young children. OW has been able to take time of work for him ( in my job as a teacher I can't), God knows who were looking after her kids. I have no family here, and his family never offered/ helped us babysitting. So why on earth would he come back? He is care free, no responsibilities, only needs look after himself and OW does the job!
I questioned IC about why the girls haven't met her yet, and she thinks H has compartmentalised his wife, so each part of his life runs along but never collides. If OW is like me I have never asked to be introduced to step daughter, at the fine I told him that when he'd be ready to do so I'd be happy!
This week has been very though but as Shotgun said it's only up to my H to want to save our M and he has already told me that our relationship is toxic and had he has seen it with his parents and R after an A never works out! IC thinks that H sends me mixed messages because he wants to keep me sweet as I need to sign the sale papers!
As I told IC it's a shame that we now leave in a society where M, taking wows don't mean anything anymore! Unfortunately I fell in love with a narcissist, gave him 11 years of my life but he couldn't bring himself to leave if he was unhappy but cheated and let me do the dirty work so he'd not have to do it!
My kids tonight asked me if their dad was going on a date with his GF, now it has become normal for them that their dad has moved on. That's really hurts because my kids have accepted that this is the norm now !
Have decided to go NC for my own sanity. H comes in your to pick up kids and drop them off. I'm not in the same room as me as H doesn't try to acknowledge that I'm in the house!
Spoke to SIL about wedding. She told me that when niece was deciding who to invite she wanted me more than my H, but as he is her uncle she couldn't not invite him! I agreed to go to the service as her mother reckons that it'd mean a lot to my niece, and I will honorate my niece's wish. SIL face dropped when I told her I wasn't coming but said she understood. She added that OW will not take my place & anyway she hasn't met her. I believe her when she said that.
We got on talking about my H, and she said that it'll take time to heal for me. That H is arrogant and that in time I'll see that he wasn't good with/ for me. She might have said that to comfort me but she has always been honest with me. It's funny how she and her other sister see H as not a good person. I told her that the good thing about all of this was that he had stepped up as a dad, to which she replied that a shame that he's doing it now. I know I'm mind reading but H has been with this OW for 3 years now: no introduction out kids, not to any of his siblings! Also again mind reading, I asked her if she thought he was happy and she went silent. I guess she didn't want to say yes, but her face looked sad.
Yeah too much mind reading. I know that NC will not help me to save my M as H will see it as what he was blaming me for ( not paying enough attention to him), but I need it for me! I tried it earlier this year and felt better, so dropped doing it, I know I'm not setting the right example for my kids as I'm not talking to their dad (& maybe I shouldn't do it) but I truly need this to heal!
The first time I went non contact for a month, I didn't see any improvement in my situation but I felt better. Now need to seriously take care of myself!
Oh Rouky, what an awful situation for you. I can see exactly what your IC is saying, that H has compartmentalised his life, strange how they can do that. I think that perfectly describes my H too!
I can see why you're struggling to decide what to do about the wedding. On the 'hope' front, as NYGal says, it could be a chance to show what H is missing, but it would also be so heartbreaking. I also find it interesting that he wants to show his family that you can still be one big, disjointed, happy family! Cake eating again! Our WAH are so good at that! You'd think they'd be tired of cake by now.
H is going separately with his eldest daughter. I fully understand what NYGal is saying, but as I'm getting better in finding myself and what i want, I know that going to this wedding will hurt me more than anything. H has made it clear that I am no longer part of his life, so why should I restrain my strong feelings of discomfort to attend the reception and pretend that H and I are ok with the situation I have been put in so people would feel that it's an amicable break up so H can look good!
I'm afraid I'm not prepared to play a part in this masquerade! Attending the church service will be fine for me as the place is big enough but I'm not playing in H's hand!
As far I'm concerned I have to take stand for myself. I feel H is trying to control me with him appealing to my caring nature. I know that H doesn't want me but yet doesn't want to let me go! Last night he even apologised as he couldn't babysit for me and even told me why he couldn't do it. Whereas on the same day in the morning he would spew at me!
No! he is either done with me and doesn't give me all these unnecessary details, or he tries to work on our M! I'm not a doormat anymore. I know he only wants me there at the reception so I'd be able to look after the kids. Me not being there will allow him not too feel awkward! So it's the best for both of us!
If I didn't have the kids, I'd be done with him! I'd have gone dark. I'm amicable when I see him but I'm not going out of my way to please and flatter his ego. He is done, so am I! Period.
Got to be frank here Rouky. I think the only chance you have of getting your husband's attention is to start seeing or make him think that you are seeing another man. I promise you that he will not like it and the thought of you with another man will make him think about what he is missing. I really do think that he has never contemplated you moving on and being with another man. The possibility of and the reality of are two completely different things. Also his wanting you to go to the wedding is bizarre. Trying to figure out why will only drive you crazy. I'm sad for you Rouky and wish that I could help but remember that I am always thinking of you.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
I think you might be right Shotgun but to be honest I don't really care now. I had a great weekend with my kids and saw a good friend of mine. We talked about H and she offered her perspective from an outsider. It was a real shock as it proved me that love is blind. She told me that every time we would meet with her and her H, my H couldn't make it because he was playing his favourite hobbies. That the few times we met (at our house or at their place), H was never involved in helping in whatsoever. She reckons he is limited in how he sees life and that even before OW was on the scene he was behaving in a selfish way. I have never heard my friend says anything negative about anyone since I have know her. And to be fair I think she is right.
I feel in love with H because I was insecure and couldn't believe that someone as handsome as him could be interested in someone like me. I remember when he asked me to marry him, I didn't jump straight away and I had a strange feeling in my stomach that something wasn't right but was so pleased that someone wanted me that I was happy with it. H didn't pay a thing towards the wedding as I sold my car and used my savings! Red flags here ignored once again. If I were to look back without my pink tinted glasses, I should have seen those red flags.
I know it's easy to say this now as I look back, but I can't change the past. My gut feelings are telling me it's over with H and that there is no chance of R. After this week and what he put me through I certainly don't want him back. I kept civil with him because I wanted him back, this didn't work. H has checked out for real! And for the first time for real tonight I'm happy to say that going back with him would be a huge mistake! Even my FIL told me that his son was a selfish boat :-)!
H is a taker never a giver. I'm not feeling sorry for him and OW as they both deserved each other with their high morals and values. I'm off the roller coaster and Rouky is going to live for herself! I have been on a couple of dates with different men but gut feelings started to kick in. This time I listened to it and it happened that one of those men could have been a potential stalker! So I'm glad I have discovered it sooner than later :-)!
Good for you Rouky! This is the path you need to be on. Stay the course and keep working with your therapist. The life you deserve is headed your way and with the tools you are putting in your tool belt and your deeper understanding of yourself, you will not fall victim to men like your ex husband. God Bless you my love and have a fantastic week. The sun is shining and so are you!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Just reporting. Had a fab day at work, got my head on and achieved so much! Was so proud of me. Still a bit raw as people were asking me how I was. Trying to fight the tears. I think because it's a side of H that I have never seen or been the recipient before, I'm still shock that after 11 years together he could have such animosity towards me!
Third day NC, came to see kids (was busy doing something anyway). Usually he'd make his presence loud and clear but not tonight. When he left he shouted that he was going! The funny thing was that I could hear he was going so why broadcast it so loud to me. The funny thing is I asked him if he had taken the letter, he replied which one! I took a STFU smoothies as I want to tell him the one you have been bullying me to sign for a week. Also he stayed slightly longer than usual.
I'm certainly not reading anything into it. I don't think I want to have my heart and hope shattered again as a couple of weeks ago I really though it was over with OW. I'm off the roller coaster. Now planning my move and decided to move my stuff myself with the help of FIL and a couple of friends. I found it's so much cheaper than having a proper company to do it!
I have done it once twice with H, so this time I can do it on my own :-)!
Rouky, I'm glad you had a fab day today and achieved a lot of stuff. I'm very proud of you! Of course, you are going to be a bit raw after what transpired. People are very concerned for you and ask about how you are doing. They want you to know that they are there for you...but they don't realize that asking how you are doing just sets the emotions in full mode of tears. They truly mean well.
I think you will find that going NC is the best way to go for you right now. It's truly to protect you from him and his behavior as much as possible. As for him announcing his departure, they are clueless that we can and do figure things out for ourselves w/o their help. They tend to forget that we aren't dumb while they are exploring the world on the Mother Ship.
If you can find someone to help you move, by all means ask others to help you. Professional movers can cost an arm and a leg. I would suggest that once the move is completed, order some pizza and have some sodas/drinks available to share w/the helpers...this goes a long way to getting them to help you w/other projects.
Rouky, give yourself some time to take care of you. You've been shocked by your h's behavior and trust me, I do know how that behavior can just floor you. Always try to remember, this isn't about you, but about him and right now, he's angry w/the world and himself. It's best to stay out of his way and allow him to fight w/himself.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I love my life. Each day brings you more thoughts! Found out that there wete rumours about my H cheating on me going round in his work place (BTW it's where he met OW), and I thought that I would like to know if I was cheated on (Oops sorry already done!). That's so funny as most of the people who know me knew about my H' A but no one would have the guts to tell me. In a way I can understand that they'd not want to upset but on the other hand as a human being didn't I deserved to be respected by H! Luckily as soon as one of my friend found out (she has been cheated on too!), she told me. I'll always be in debts with her because I truly believe that I'd still be with H now if I hadn't been told about his A.
I got confirmation that it isn't the first M that OW has destroyed but also that people who worked with H and knew me can't understand why he left me for her! Apparently she isn't a very likeable person, so I guess my H had affaired down :-). Have you noticed the he left me when in reality I kicked him! I guess he can't really say to OW or all of his mates: my wife kicked me out! Nor can OW say to her friends my BF was kicked out by his wife. Does it matter? NO. Deep down H knows that he got kicked out, my friends all know the truth and the person who H is supposed to live with also know!
I have been so down lately but talking to my friend today, just has made it engrave in my brain that the issues are coming from H's side and not me. That OW isn't as great a person as she wants to be seen. I'm feeling free as H has trade me for someone lesser than me. Finally I'm recognising that it wasn't me but all him and that OW is definitively nowhere near me. She might have the looks but obviously not the brain not values!
I know I shouldn't be like that and put people down, unfortunately this is what I needed today to realise my self worth.
Found out that there wete rumours about my H cheating on me going round in his work place
It really infuriates me when I read stupid advice columns or articles that advise against telling the person who is being cheated on. Sure, you run the risk that they won't believe you or will "kill the messenger". But a true friend wouldn't care about that. And I really believe that every person has the right to decide on their own whether they want to remain with a cheater or not. Plus, in this age of AIDS, you could be contributing to someone's death by not informing them they are at risk!
Most people are weak and hide behind the fiction that "she must already know." NO SHE DOESN'T! Cheaters are very good at fooling you.
So true. I didn't know nor even suspected he cheated on me as he kept to the the same timetable. I only wish that people who knew about my H don't find themselves in the same situation as me as it badly hurts to found out that everyone else knew but me!
Rouky, I can't imagine how awful that would feel to find that out. Why do people watch and gossip, but never step in? Its as if the "entertainment value" supersedes the right thing to do.
I remember when I was growing up, if an adult saw another child misbehaving, they stepped in and said something to that child. If another adult was misbehaving, it was confronted, either at the moment or in private. Now, everyone talks about things amongst themselves, but are afraid to say "you're behaving inappropriately". The gray area has spread and black and white are almost non-existent.
I have told my daughters the story of how I came home with flowers for my mother one day. She said,"those are beautiful, but where did you get them?" About then the neighbor from across the street, who had seen me pick them from another neighbor's garden and immediately followed me home, spoke up from behind me (we were outside) and told her I had stolen them. I was made to wrap them up with a bow and a bottle of water and return them to the lady who's garden I had stolen them from, with a full apology. You don't steal flowers from another person's garden.
You also don't carry on with another person's spouse. Wouldn't it be nice if people would speak up and confront wrong behavior instead of just gossip about it? Maybe if confrontation and shame once again re-entered our society, people would choose to work a little harder to grow their own flowers instead of stealing them and getting away with it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Now how can you go NC when the person you are supposed to be NC with won't let you ? H came to see kids a little earlier than usual, stayed a little later than usual and even read them a story ( which he hadn't done for ages). Usually when he comes in you can hear him as he makes his presence well felt but tonight no! Then when he was about to leave he tried to engage into a conversation. Told me about kid being hurt ( fair enough!), then moved on to ask me if I got a text from him ( never got it) and tried to explain/ justify why he couldn't be with kids this weekend and why he was shortening his time on Friday. Honestly I really didn't need to know why he decided to want to spend less time with his kids! It's his life now and as he doesn't want me to be part of it, I don't want to know.
Then he moved onto the legal separation paperwork! He was telling me that he had done his part and now it's legally binding. I already knew that, and that is why I wanted a legal separation! I don't really understand why he had to mention it as it all done through solicitors. The funny part was that his voice has been very calm and respectful not like last week. At one point he even made a comment about the dog saying he (the dog) shouldn't be upstairs. I said nothing but thought to myself as he no longer lives in his house what the dog does is none of his business!
I'm still hurt and sad about how my M ended, about the fact that H never wanted to work on it, but I think that I have now reach acceptance. I need to go on my journey and see what the world has to offer.
Sounds like your h feels guilty for shorting your kids w/his presence. Also, I could be wrong, but he's doing a temperature check to see where you are at w/everything going on.
As for the dog...you are right...who is he to tell you about he dog and where he should or shouldn't be? He doesn't live there any longer.
Bust on! You've got this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree! It's none of his business what goes on in your house anymore, with the dog or anyone/anything else! Funny how they want this but they cannot truly let go. My H does exactly the same. He is always saying "You shouldn't do that." or "You should do that." I want to scream at him that he no longer lives here, but of course I just grin and bear it.
How said that he has more important things to do than see his kids. If I didn't live with my kids I'd be clambering to see them as often and for as long as I could. I will never understand people who don't as long as I live. I'm so proud of you for the acceptance you have come to over your situation. It is not easy by any means to accept our uninvited situations. You're doing great! x
Having a down day and don't even know why. Last time I did NC with H I could see the difference in me straightaway as I was feeling better. I seem to have a pity party for myself! I don't seem to find anything enjoyable. I don't even know what I like any more. I still do what I have to do and I certainly don't want to stay home, but I can't seem to find something I like!
L rang to say that H has signed separation papers, so I'm going in tomorrow to sign mine! I don't want separation but I had to protect myself financially!
Why is it so easy for WAH to move on, to start a new life with OW, not be feel unhappy, to feel no remorse about what they have done, to not want to work on M?
The things H blames me for can't be changed as he isn't there and is getting his needs met somewhere else! How can a woman go for a married man and vice-versa? Is our society so corrupt that it's now everyone is being selfish and getting his/her needs met regardless of the hurt and pain they are causing!
Rouky, The MLCer detached from the relationship and you a long time ago, possibly as much as 2-3 years. So, as you can see, they've had plenty of time to move ahead and not feel any remorse about what they are doing. We, unfortunately, were just smacked in the face less than a year or so ago when they dropped the bomb.
Society has changed a lot since social media has taken hold. Unfortunately, people don't look at "cheating" the way they use to because it is so much easier to do it now and yes, divorce is far easier to obtain these days than years ago. It's very sad to see how things have change, and not necessarily for the better.
You may have a down day today, but you'll feel a bit better in a few days. We all have those days and, yes, you'll find something that you really want to do and will like to do in the days ahead. Be patient w/yourself. Don't try to rush the process. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Having a down day and don't even know why. Last time I did NC with H I could see the difference in me straightaway as I was feeling better. I seem to have a pity party for myself! I don't seem to find anything enjoyable. I don't even know what I like any more. I still do what I have to do and I certainly don't want to stay home, but I can't seem to find something I like!
L rang to say that H has signed separation papers, so I'm going in tomorrow to sign mine! I don't want separation but I had to protect myself financially!
Why is it so easy for WAH to move on, to start a new life with OW, not be feel unhappy, to feel no remorse about what they have done, to not want to work on M?
The things H blames me for can't be changed as he isn't there and is getting his needs met somewhere else! How can a woman go for a married man and vice-versa? Is our society so corrupt that it's now everyone is being selfish and getting his/her needs met regardless of the hurt and pain they are causing!
((((((((((Rouky))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're having a down day. I think it is perfectly natural to feel this way every so often, no matter how well we think we're doing with all this stuff! It is, and always will be, a major life change and because we have children with our WAH we cannot just close the door on that chapter of our lives and heal like did when splitting with a boyfriend. Please look after you and by kind to yourself by realising it is OK to feel like this sometimes. I like what Job has put about why the WAS can be so nonchalant about it all. It makes a lot of sense.
As for your questions about society, I totally agree! I think it is awful how society views infidelity and marriage breakdowns these days. Nobody bats an eyelid about having step-mums, step-dads, step-siblings etc, or poor children being shunted from pillar to post so that everyone gets their share of access. I think it is appalling and find the whole thing distasteful. Has anyone ever stopped and asked the poor children if they like having to live out of two houses?! I wouldn't want to, I know that for a fact. Sorry, I'm going off on a tangent now, but wanted to say I feel the same and agree with you whole heartedly and lament for the way things used to be too!
Sending you lots of hugs and hope you feel a bit brighter soon.
From today I have exchange contract on my house and I'm legally separated. Feeling really sad as if I had been given the chance I'd have address the issues that could have saved my marriage but telling me that from now on my H will be selfish (his own words) and that he needed a holiday isn't the proper way to say that this were wrong in our M. I can't believe that after a year I'm still so raw!
((((((((Rouky))))))))) More hugs your way. I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what else to say but please know I'm here to chat to if you should need to. I think I would pamper myself right now - whatever makes you feel better when you're ill maybe. Have some candle lit baths, eat chocolate/ice-cream or whatever your 'thing' is, snuggle up watching a film or reading a book. Anything to take care of you. (((((((((((((Rouky))))))))))))
You haven't done anything to deserve this. And although I know how painful it is, I want you to do a little mental exercise:
Imagine that your future self time travelled back to tell you that your future is fabulous. That in the future, you have a new man who adores you, is reliable, kind, caring and successful. You have career success and pursue your passions.
Would you still be as upset as you are now? No , you'd be excited about that new life that is coming, and you'd start preparing yourself for that future.
You CAN have that future. It's about doing the work on yourself so that you can find and be a good partner for the right guy. It's about pursuing your dreams so that your life is great with or without a man. It's about breaking out of your mental chains and challenging yourself.
Hola mi corazon! I hope today is better. Just knowing that you are alive makes me happy:-) Try to get some exercise and keep working with your therapist. Brighter days are ahead as God has something better in store for you. He will give you peace in his time so be ready for it when it comes!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Funny that me being alive made you happy Shotgun as wasn't thinking like that today! Was on the verge/ crying most of the day! I'm really down. H is taking OW to his weekend for his favourite hobby competition ( he never asked me to go even before we had kids), went out with friends but my heart wasn't there! One texted me to say that I looked quite depressed and I am! I don't get it. I'm 13 months into this s$*t, it feels like I'm back at BD! Why am I like that? I can't see a happy future. H has really broken me and I can't seem to find a way to mend me. H came to pick up kids and no acknowledgement of my presence! How much simpler it'd be if there were no children involved!
Have I been the worst wife in this world? Am I that difficult to live with? I have always put my kids and H before me? Is it wrong to put your kids first? Did I really deserved to be cheated on? Am I that evil that H couldn't be honest and tell me he didn't love me anymore instead of having OW! I have registered with dating website to boost a bit of my ego, even on it I get no interest! I know I'm not ready to date but it'd be nice to chat at time! Feeling so worthless, second hand good!
I'm sorry Rouky. Truth be known I have been depressed lately as well. Oddly I am happiest at work. Not sure why but I am not enjoying hanging with my son. I am ashamed to admit that but I also know it will get better. All of this will get better. Like you I am no where near ready to date. I have joined a dating website as well and I get more attention than I dreamed possible. I have chatted with several nice ladies but they all seem to be in a pretty bad spot. I have no intention of going out with any of them but it is kind of fun to chat with them. Just trying to be honest with everyone. I simply don't believe that you get no interest on a dating website. Someone will grab you up when the time is right. Until then I will be happy to chat with you. Everyone here loves to hear from you too. It can be a little depressing though. I can promise you one thing that I will be coming here to check on you until you don't need it any more. God Bless you Mi Amor and have a fun weekend.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hey Rouky, I'm sorry you're having a rough time Sweetie. Now then, you're making the fundamental error of seeing his crisis as being all about you. I must have been a poor W because otherwise why would he.....
But his crisis is all about him and you happened to be the closest person there and were badly hurt by it. Yes, having a PA is not a great way to run from a M and an emotionally healthy person would probably have the tools to do things differently (and probably would have had a transition rather than a crisis.) However, he doesn't have the tools...
The realisation I came to is that my H's poor choices do not diminish me in any way. I am not responsible for his poor choices - they are all about him. I was a loving and faithful wife, I'm attractive and I was kind. I looked after my SS, welcomed H's family and supported H in his work. I was also a flawed spouse, selfish at times, struggled with aspects, wasn't always authentic, didn't always express my needs and so on.
I hope you'll come to see things in a more balanced way. I think you are grieving now and that is entirely understandable, but please don't internalise those things that are his and not yours.
Take care, be kind to yourself and I hope you feel better over the weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Had a slightly better day today. Kids were a bit annoyed because we didn't do much but all I wanted was to stay in bed and with two young kids you can't. Went to my niece's hen do party was a bit dreading it but was PMA and acting as if. Two of my SIL were really good and we got chatted, whereas I was very surprised with the last one. Very cold towards me ( she knew from the beginning that H was cheating on me, she was very supportive to start with), but all she said to me in 3 hours was it's good to see you. I could see that she was avoiding eyes contact with me. She is the one who has always been close to H, but at the beginning she told me that she hated him for what he had done! I can't believe her behaviour towards me tonight! I was observing her and she was the center of the attention and looking at her I could clearly see the same behaviour from H. This family is completely fig up! There are possible explanation about her behaviour: she has met OW ( funny as she told me she'd never want to meet her), she hasn't appreciated that I challenged her brother when he didn't pay his share, she doesn't like the fact that I'm not going to the wedding reception or she diesbtvlije the fact that I have gone NC with H. Was she really expecting me to be friend with him? It su$%s a bit as I though she was my friend but clearly not!
If my brother had done what my H did to his wife I could tell you that he would be sorry after I finished to tell him what I thought about him. Why is infidelity no longer frowned upon? Why is it so widely accepted? Were are the values and morals gone?
I'm glad you had a better day and you'll discover as you travel life's path, that each day gets a bit better over time. As for your SIL, you don't know what she's been told and right now, she's probably sitting on the fence trying to figure things out. What goes on between your h and you is no one else's business and if those issues are the reasons for her acting like a cold fish towards you, then shame on her. She will either get over it or hold a grudge and holding a grudge takes a lot of work. Don't let her see you sweat over her behavior...she's not worth it.
Continue moving forward and keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Rouky, glad you had a slightly better day. I think it was very brave of you to go to your neice's hen party! Shame about your SIL though. Any of the reasons you mentioned could be true. She probably felt awkward and just didn't know what to say to you so avoided you instead. Like Job says she's not worth you worrying about it. It's certainly not you - it's her!
I agree with your last comment. I would be giving my brother ear ache if he did to his wife and child what my H is doing to me! I cannot believe how H's family have just stayed out of it and haven't asked him a single thing! Didn't even send D a birthday card so it seems they've cut us out of their lives already!
Hope you have a better week this week. Do you have anything nice planned?
Really, really struggled this weekend and today. I don't understand why I keep flu using on him! I haven't seen him physically for a week but spoke to him through the door! Why am I giving him so much I importance. Why I thinking back about all the things that I could have done but didn't because I didn't know about this website. I think that when I kicked him out and before he went back to OW I had a window to save my M, but didn't have the tools. Now I'm regretting everything g I have not done. I remember him telling me that I'll regret my behaviour! What if OW is really his soul mate? Have I wasted 11 years of my life? I'm struggling with my kids too. They keep pushing my buttons and being very challenging.
I think H wasn't in MLC, OW is just person who has helped him to detach from me as he couldn't leave his second family like he did the first time! I don't know where to go,what to do I'm pretty lost :-(
The past is the past and the present is a gift, so use it wisely. The future is something we can't know at this time. So for the present, keep the focus on you and continue moving forward. Whether he is a walkaway h or a MLCer, you would do the same thing, i.e., leave him alone, focus on you and your family, protect your finances and live your life to the fullest.
Make a list of the GAL things that you would like to do in the next few months and start working on them. This is a good first step towards moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Rouky, I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. Please don't think you could have done things differently though. We do what we do at the time and hindsight is a wonderful thing. H would most likely have done the same regardless of what you did or didn't do back then.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
I remember him telling me that I'll regret my behaviour!
This sounds like H projecting his guilt onto you at the time - my H does this a lot because he cannot take responsibility for his own actions and their consequences. Your H has also done this once before to someone else so it is not you and it wasn't her either, your H has unresolved issues that make him behave this way a certain number of years into a relationship.
Listen to Job's advice. You should do the same thing regardless of H's reasons for doing this. Take care of yourself and your children. What I'm trying to do at the moment is have an activity every day to do with the children that is something to focus on. It doesn't have to be something huge, sometimes for us it is just snuggling up at bedtime to read a story, other times it is to bake some cakes, but it seems to be working for all of us. (((((((((Rouky)))))))))
Thank you very much everyone, feeling grateful to have such friends here.You are all right, I need to focus on the present and not the past. H came to see kids a bit later but stayed longer this time again. Usually he would be late but an hour later he'd be gone. At least he is spending more time with kids. Altough I'm not stupid as he didn't see them over the weekend!So he is trying to catch up, I guess. I have been NC with him for a week and tonight he said see you later! Was cheerful and replied see ya! I don't get it, I could here that he was leaving so no need to broadcast it!It feels like he doesn't like me going NC, that he needs to interact with me.
I don't want to be his friend as now the financial side is sorted. I was reading on another post about Sotto's H wouldn't want to settle financial without a D, in my case if I hadn't initiated separation H would never had done it. I know mind reading but now he is with OW, and really has no reason to be amicable with me, so why not file? Why being polite/ civil when he never ever did that with the mother of his first child? And why do I bother writing about him?
Rouky, There are any number of reasons why he may not have filed. I'll name four that come to mind: 1) it takes a lot of time and money to file and he doesn't want to do the work; 2) he's waiting around so that you'll be the one to file and then he won't look like the bad guy; 3) he doesn't want to use the "I'm married" card so that he doesn't have to commit to the ow, i.e., engagement and marriage, and 4) you are Plan B just in case things don't work out w/the ow.
He could be nice right now because you aren't rocking his boat about financial stuff and he may be hoping that you'll stay right where you are and not make any time of trouble for him, i.e., money, separation, etc.
Why bother writing about him? You need to get your thoughts out on paper and this is a safe place to do so. Trust me, you have to let that steam off somewhere and this is a good place to do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Maybe he hasn't filed because his life is just fine the way it is. OW isn't forcing him to make a decision and neither is his wife. My guess is he might just sit there for a long time. As made obvious by his affair he is not ruled by any moral factor and probably doesn't feel any particular need to commit to either lady. I just don't accept that he is behaving in this manner because of anything Rouky has or has not done. Rouky he is living his life for himself and no one else so I hope that you can do the same. Easy for me to say I know but I hurt for you and wish things could get better. Keep going to counseling and stay busy. Praying for you always.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
shotgun touched on something that I say over and over again...it's not you...it's him. This crisis situation is all about him and nothing you did or didn't do would have stopped it. He's doing exactly what he wants and he's quite happy w/the way things are and yes, he's living his life for himself.
Rouky, please do not think for one minute you are to blame for all of this because you are not. You are a beautiful woman who has been handling your situation with grace and dignity, but it's time to focus on Rouky and do whatever you need to do to help you keep the focus on you. Time moves so quickly and we can't get it back later...live your life to the fullest, i.e., as if he may never return.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just reiterating what everyone else is saying. It is his crisis, leave him to it. You are not to blame, so don't absorb that shame and guilt. You don't need that eating at you along with the stress of how his actions have already impacted your life and family.
I find it helpful, every once in awhile, to go back and skim my previous threads. It makes me realize how much I have changed and grown, and how much I will continue to. I know from reading yours that you have grown even more fabulous and strong, as well. Transcend the B.S.!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thank you everyone for your kind messages, they brought tears to my eyes. Last time I was NC I was feeling so much better so I don't understand why I'm like that now! Job I know he is never going to come back, why would he? OW has grown up kids whereas ours are both under ten and requires a lot of attention. If we wanted to go out we'd have to pay for a babysitter, OW doesn't have this problem. I think he has finally found someone who suits him and his lifestyle! What I can't get over is the betrayal. I put him on a pedestal as I thought he was a man of integrity. He left (and this was repeated by his family) his first partner because he didn't love her and was unhappy. I honestly thought that if he was to stop loving me he'd do the same, but no he had to bring into marriage a 3rd person. I know for sure that if I hadn't been told about OW, we would still be together! As my IC said still together but unhappy! I truly thought we were having a rough patch because he still hadn't dealt with his mum's death and because we were doing il the house. Now looking back I can see that it was his guilt about OW! He never really tried to save M, we went to MC but at the time I didn't know that there was OW! We had decided to sale and go for a long vacation with kids (first real one since birth of first child!), and that is why I put up with this unhappiness as I thought it was just as phase and was really looking forward some time together as a family, and I was robbed of that too! A very close friend of mine was saying that since I started dating him, he never really treated me well but didn't want to say anything! I'm struggling as I feel abandoned, let down, taken advantage and once I wasn't good enough for him I was discarded like an old tissue! I know he is no good to me, so why do I still want to hold on to him? Surely I can do better than him. I have travelled more than him, moved from my home country to start a new life (before I met him) in a new country and I earn more than he does! His OW is from our town (born and bred there), as a lower paid job, she is blonde (coloured blond) and I'm a brunette. I have values and put my family first ( maybe not enough from his point of view), so why on earth would he go with someone like her! I know I shouldn't focus on both of them but so far all I can see is that he is happy: leading a single life with a GF, no kids or day to day responsibilities whereas I have to deal with all of that! Even now in his voice you can hear that its tone is happy, more relax and it feels like the guilt has left his body and mind! This has happened since NC! How can they both of them honestly look into a mirror and feel no guilt, no shame? What about consequences? My H hasn't had any so far! That is so unfair! He is looking good for OW as he is seeing his kids a lot and as a woman I'd fall for that kind of man who spend so much time with his kids! It'd tell me that he is a good person. Why couldn't he be like that with me?
Rouky, No one knows what the future holds. He may wake up some day and want to reconcile w/you..but that will be when you ultimately decide whether this is something you want to do. Then again, he may never return, but that's way too far down the path to worry about right now.
It's human nature that we want what we can't get or have. We are like addicts when it comes to our spouses and yes, we become desperate and play the pick me dance and try every which way to convince them that they need to leave the op and come back home. Unfortunately, it doesn't work. People will come out of the woodwork and say all sorts of things about your spouse and it's funny how they all say that they were afraid to say anything to us about it I would take what they way w/a grain of salt because you know what type of relationship that you had w/your spouse/partner.
As for the ow, she's most likely going to be the opposite of you. They generally seek out people beneath them, i.e., status, salary, home upbringing, etc. Of course he's going to sound happy as a pig in mud right now...he's in that "lust" of a new relationship and thinks he's got it all figured out and yes, he's got two women who are "in love" w/him. That just puffs up that old ego for him.
Consequence may come down the pike later on and he may or may not share what happens in his life, but that will be of no concern to you by that time.
Keep the focus on you, find a way to stay positive and keep moving forward. The ow is nothing more than a crutch to his handicap called MLC. Eventually the newness will wear off of that "lust" and reality will set in....be patient, give it time and do not allow them to take up space in your head w/o paying rent!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really like that last comment :-). It made me chuckle!. Tomorrow is the big day for my niece. IC said that it must be comforting to know that she wants me at her wedding and not OW to which I replied as far as I know OW hasn't been introduced yet and why niece would want to invite a complete stranger on her big day! Kids told me that their dad was picking them up early than I ask! I don't know why I still bother as whatever I do/ ask he doesn't reply or engage. He was the same with his ex, he'd let her do what she wanted and he would tell me that she'd learn from it! Really has he really taken a good look at himself? It's funny that the two mothers of his children hardly spoke to him, but then again there is nothing wrong with him and we are the ones who are in the wrong. This should be a huge red flag for OW that her lover has two exes with children, that he left the first one and cheated on the second one with her! H came very late to pick the kids up and brought them back 30 minutes later! Obviously in a hurry to see OW.
Saw IC today and we talked about H and my separation and she asked me how I see my future. I just replied I didn't know and I'm leaving in the present at the moment. This is a big recognition step of moving forward for me as a couple of weeks ago I'd only think about the past and what I did wrong, what if, if I had done that and so on! We also talked about D and I'm no longer afraid about it. I know it's coming but I don't know when. I won't file as I want H to once in his life (even if it's at my expense and his family)to take responsibility for his actions. He is quick to put the blame on others but himself, not this time. IC said that he might never file, I said at the moment I'm fine with it. She asked me about in the future, I told her that at the moment this isn't a discussion I want to have as the future isn't there yet and that's why it is called future :-).
I'm hoping OW will push him to file as now she will be looking for a return for her investment. She is only 38 and I don't really see her not wanting to get hitched again! H said he doesn't want to get married again. As IC said now I just need to do nothing, sit back and let things unfold with an open mind that he might not come back. I just told her that I was fine with it, and surprisingly I am!. I also asked her to move me from talking about H to me so I can recognise my self worth and love myself so I can meet the right person.
I feel it's the most hopeful post I have ever written since I have join DB about a year ago! Onwards and upwards :-)
I have done it, been to the wedding service and back in one piece and tears. Right now I feel blessed as I have been able to see my niece in her wedding dress before anyone else (apart from her mum, dad, brother and her bridesmaids). I feel so humble to have been able to see this. She is/ was amazing. Went to the venue, was looking and feeling beautiful, spoke to different people and got completely ignored by H! At one point I had to engage with him as I wanted to know at what time he'll bring them back and if he is having them on bank holiday Monday. He said he had to work on that day, I added that I was going somewhere so I needed him to look after the kids. He said fine. That is me mind reading but surely if he had plans with OW, he could have said that he was working and not have the kids! At the be he one of H's cousin was there and was surprised to see me there as H told her that I'd not come and he added to her that I should have come! Honestly It doesn't make sense! He has clearly moved on but still feel the need to have me round!
I knew you could do it! I'm glad you went and saw your niece's wedding take place. I'm sure the family was glad you attended and stayed for a bit.
As for your h, don't "assume" anything when it comes to his comments and/or actions.
Keep in mind, that what doesn't make sense to us...does to them. You can't make rational out of insanity.
I'm glad you went and had a good time...so what else is on your agenda for the weekend?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good for you Rouky for going to the wedding. It shows just how strong you are to have been able to go and be supportive of your niece. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Don't you love FB? I found out without even looking for it that my SIL ( who said that she'd never want to have something to do with OW) has befriended my H's OW's sister on FB. Now I understand why last week and this week she couldn't look at me in the eyes!
I really really need to get away/ drop the rope from that family of complete dishonest, lying cheaters! Yes it's a free world and people do what they want but why am I bothered about it? I know I was hoping that SIL would support her brother but at the same time make him understand that what he did was wrong!
Other than that, at the wedding there was a presentation of several photos of the bride and the groom, funny enough I appeared on few of them and I overheard H's comments expressing his disapproval that there were none of him!
What a funny, self-centred, disloyal, dishonest family they all are! NC sounds good for all of them!
Good observation Rouky. Walk away from all of them. Your husband threw you out of that family and now you must rebuild your circle. I just poured my heart out to you on my own thread so I won't repeat but I hope that you continue to see things more clearly and can start to find some peace. Take care Rouky
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Thank you Shotgun for being my lifeguard. :-)! I'm always impatient to hear from you. I honestly don't know what I'd do without you.
I'm slowly growing into the person I want to be. I can see that I have always been self centred because of my lack of loving myself. It has been two days that I have been in close contact with H's family and while it hurts I didn't engage in a conversation about H. That's something new for me as when I see his siblings we always end up talking about him! Usually I'd say I'm happy for people but never really felt it, today was differen as I saw my niece and was genuinely happy for her. There are still some good men out there and her H is one of them. She is the first person (apart from my kids) to whom I told her that I loved her! A 180 for me as I come from a family where you don't say that kind of things!
Have been getting really nice messages from one of my SIL and H's cousin. It felt good to feel that I'm still part of their family. I did thank my other SIL and her h for being so understanding of me not attending the reception! My FIL and his partner never talked to me as I guess they didn't like the fact that I didn't attend the reception. Though I'm still making sure that my kids will have contact with their grandad because he's there only grandparent in the UK.
Girls got back late from wedding, so we had a lazy day. I really mean lazy one! It was good. Was surprised by H as he puts the kids to bed last night as I was already asleep but got woken up by them! Also I don't get it but he popped in unannounced to drop something that could have waited tomorrow! Usually when he forgets to bring back something from the kids, I have to text him and he drops it a couple of days later! Did nothing this time. Luckily for me I was nicely dressed and was feeling beautiful!
Tomorrow I'm going for a Reiki session. Never tried it but I was told by a couple of friends that it was good. I'm excited to see what all the fuss is about! H has agreed to have the kids, which is a surprise as it's a bank holiday and last time he didn't see the kids until late in the day. He could have said that he couldn't have them, but he didn't. Maybe he hasn't got any plans with OW or maybe he is amicable and accommodates me as when he divorces me I have no ammunitions against him!
In a month time I'm going away for a whole weekend for a friend 40th birthday, I'm so looking forward it! H has accepted to look after them! I'm slowly getting into the acceptance stage, and now I have decided to focus on me and stop re acting the past and I could have done. I'm feed up to feel down nearly everyday, to have a self pity party. Only I can get my heard out of my bottom and do something about it. I always though that being with someone will make me happy, yes it did but I became very co-dependent on that person. I want to be happy, now I'm really prepared to finally take those hard small steps that I'm so scared off and jump I to the unknown! As always thanks for reading me and you being patient with my long post!
Rouky, You sound much stronger today and yes, only you can make yourself happy. It's nice to have someone to share in your happiness, but you can also enjoy your happiness solo.
Sounds like the wedding was a very nice one and the reception was good as well. Don't mind read when it comes to the in-laws! You don't know what's going on between your FIL and his partner...they could have had a heated discussion prior to attending the reception and he wasn't in the "mood" to speak or talk. I wouldn't allow his actions to worry me too much.
I'm sure you and the girls have had a nice day of rest and have enjoyed relaxing.
There were several posters that attended Reiki sessions and spoke highly of them. Go and have some fun and you'll meet some new people too!
I see you have a weekend away coming up in a month. That's something to look forward to. I'm also glad to see that you are going to start focusing on you. Nothing you do or say can change the past...but you can control how you deal w/the present, which is truly a gift and use your time wisely. The future is not ours to predict and it will reveal itself in due time.
I do hope that you have a pleasant week.
P.S. Please start a new thread.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh Rouky you had to mention your bottom........Glad to hear you sounding stronger. I think you are going to have a blast at that birthday party. Make sure that you do. This is for you mi amor.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
