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job Offline
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I'm glad you had a better day and you'll discover as you travel life's path, that each day gets a bit better over time. As for your SIL, you don't know what she's been told and right now, she's probably sitting on the fence trying to figure things out. What goes on between your h and you is no one else's business and if those issues are the reasons for her acting like a cold fish towards you, then shame on her. She will either get over it or hold a grudge and holding a grudge takes a lot of work. Don't let her see you sweat over her behavior...she's not worth it.

Continue moving forward and keep the focus on you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Rouky, glad you had a slightly better day. I think it was very brave of you to go to your neice's hen party! Shame about your SIL though. Any of the reasons you mentioned could be true. She probably felt awkward and just didn't know what to say to you so avoided you instead. Like Job says she's not worth you worrying about it. It's certainly not you - it's her!

I agree with your last comment. I would be giving my brother ear ache if he did to his wife and child what my H is doing to me! I cannot believe how H's family have just stayed out of it and haven't asked him a single thing! Didn't even send D a birthday card so it seems they've cut us out of their lives already!

Hope you have a better week this week. Do you have anything nice planned?


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Hola mi amor! I hope you have a great week. Take some time for yourself and get some exercise. We all love you here and are praying for you. Mark


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Rouky Offline OP
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Really, really struggled this weekend and today. I don't understand why I keep flu using on him! I haven't seen him physically for a week but spoke to him through the door! Why am I giving him so much I importance. Why I thinking back about all the things that I could have done but didn't because I didn't know about this website. I think that when I kicked him out and before he went back to OW I had a window to save my M, but didn't have the tools. Now I'm regretting everything g I have not done. I remember him telling me that I'll regret my behaviour! What if OW is really his soul mate? Have I wasted 11 years of my life? I'm struggling with my kids too. They keep pushing my buttons and being very challenging.

I think H wasn't in MLC, OW is just person who has helped him to detach from me as he couldn't leave his second family like he did the first time!
I don't know where to go,what to do I'm pretty lost :-(

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Rouky,

The past is the past and the present is a gift, so use it wisely. The future is something we can't know at this time. So for the present, keep the focus on you and continue moving forward. Whether he is a walkaway h or a MLCer, you would do the same thing, i.e., leave him alone, focus on you and your family, protect your finances and live your life to the fullest.

Make a list of the GAL things that you would like to do in the next few months and start working on them. This is a good first step towards moving forward.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hi Rouky, I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. Please don't think you could have done things differently though. We do what we do at the time and hindsight is a wonderful thing. H would most likely have done the same regardless of what you did or didn't do back then.
Originally Posted By: Rouky
I remember him telling me that I'll regret my behaviour!
This sounds like H projecting his guilt onto you at the time - my H does this a lot because he cannot take responsibility for his own actions and their consequences. Your H has also done this once before to someone else so it is not you and it wasn't her either, your H has unresolved issues that make him behave this way a certain number of years into a relationship.

Listen to Job's advice. You should do the same thing regardless of H's reasons for doing this. Take care of yourself and your children. What I'm trying to do at the moment is have an activity every day to do with the children that is something to focus on. It doesn't have to be something huge, sometimes for us it is just snuggling up at bedtime to read a story, other times it is to bake some cakes, but it seems to be working for all of us. (((((((((Rouky)))))))))


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Thank you very much everyone, feeling grateful to have such friends here.You are all right, I need to focus on the present and not the past. H came to see kids a bit later but stayed longer this time again. Usually he would be late but an hour later he'd be gone. At least he is spending more time with kids. Altough I'm not stupid as he didn't see them over the weekend!So he is trying to catch up, I guess. I have been NC with him for a week and tonight he said see you later! Was cheerful and replied see ya! I don't get it, I could here that he was leaving so no need to broadcast it!It feels like he doesn't like me going NC, that he needs to interact with me.

I don't want to be his friend as now the financial side is sorted. I was reading on another post about Sotto's H wouldn't want to settle financial without a D, in my case if I hadn't initiated separation H would never had done it. I know mind reading but now he is with OW, and really has no reason to be amicable with me, so why not file? Why being polite/ civil when he never ever did that with the mother of his first child? And why do I bother writing about him?

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Rouky,
There are any number of reasons why he may not have filed. I'll name four that come to mind: 1) it takes a lot of time and money to file and he doesn't want to do the work; 2) he's waiting around so that you'll be the one to file and then he won't look like the bad guy; 3) he doesn't want to use the "I'm married" card so that he doesn't have to commit to the ow, i.e., engagement and marriage, and 4) you are Plan B just in case things don't work out w/the ow.

He could be nice right now because you aren't rocking his boat about financial stuff and he may be hoping that you'll stay right where you are and not make any time of trouble for him, i.e., money, separation, etc.

Why bother writing about him? You need to get your thoughts out on paper and this is a safe place to do so. Trust me, you have to let that steam off somewhere and this is a good place to do so.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Maybe he hasn't filed because his life is just fine the way it is. OW isn't forcing him to make a decision and neither is his wife. My guess is he might just sit there for a long time. As made obvious by his affair he is not ruled by any moral factor and probably doesn't feel any particular need to commit to either lady. I just don't accept that he is behaving in this manner because of anything Rouky has or has not done. Rouky he is living his life for himself and no one else so I hope that you can do the same. Easy for me to say I know but I hurt for you and wish things could get better. Keep going to counseling and stay busy. Praying for you always.


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shotgun touched on something that I say over and over again...it's not you...it's him. This crisis situation is all about him and nothing you did or didn't do would have stopped it. He's doing exactly what he wants and he's quite happy w/the way things are and yes, he's living his life for himself.

Rouky, please do not think for one minute you are to blame for all of this because you are not. You are a beautiful woman who has been handling your situation with grace and dignity, but it's time to focus on Rouky and do whatever you need to do to help you keep the focus on you. Time moves so quickly and we can't get it back later...live your life to the fullest, i.e., as if he may never return.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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