Rouky, The MLCer detached from the relationship and you a long time ago, possibly as much as 2-3 years. So, as you can see, they've had plenty of time to move ahead and not feel any remorse about what they are doing. We, unfortunately, were just smacked in the face less than a year or so ago when they dropped the bomb.
Society has changed a lot since social media has taken hold. Unfortunately, people don't look at "cheating" the way they use to because it is so much easier to do it now and yes, divorce is far easier to obtain these days than years ago. It's very sad to see how things have change, and not necessarily for the better.
You may have a down day today, but you'll feel a bit better in a few days. We all have those days and, yes, you'll find something that you really want to do and will like to do in the days ahead. Be patient w/yourself. Don't try to rush the process. Okay?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Having a down day and don't even know why. Last time I did NC with H I could see the difference in me straightaway as I was feeling better. I seem to have a pity party for myself! I don't seem to find anything enjoyable. I don't even know what I like any more. I still do what I have to do and I certainly don't want to stay home, but I can't seem to find something I like!
L rang to say that H has signed separation papers, so I'm going in tomorrow to sign mine! I don't want separation but I had to protect myself financially!
Why is it so easy for WAH to move on, to start a new life with OW, not be feel unhappy, to feel no remorse about what they have done, to not want to work on M?
The things H blames me for can't be changed as he isn't there and is getting his needs met somewhere else! How can a woman go for a married man and vice-versa? Is our society so corrupt that it's now everyone is being selfish and getting his/her needs met regardless of the hurt and pain they are causing!
((((((((((Rouky))))))))))) I'm so sorry you're having a down day. I think it is perfectly natural to feel this way every so often, no matter how well we think we're doing with all this stuff! It is, and always will be, a major life change and because we have children with our WAH we cannot just close the door on that chapter of our lives and heal like did when splitting with a boyfriend. Please look after you and by kind to yourself by realising it is OK to feel like this sometimes. I like what Job has put about why the WAS can be so nonchalant about it all. It makes a lot of sense.
As for your questions about society, I totally agree! I think it is awful how society views infidelity and marriage breakdowns these days. Nobody bats an eyelid about having step-mums, step-dads, step-siblings etc, or poor children being shunted from pillar to post so that everyone gets their share of access. I think it is appalling and find the whole thing distasteful. Has anyone ever stopped and asked the poor children if they like having to live out of two houses?! I wouldn't want to, I know that for a fact. Sorry, I'm going off on a tangent now, but wanted to say I feel the same and agree with you whole heartedly and lament for the way things used to be too!
Sending you lots of hugs and hope you feel a bit brighter soon.
From today I have exchange contract on my house and I'm legally separated. Feeling really sad as if I had been given the chance I'd have address the issues that could have saved my marriage but telling me that from now on my H will be selfish (his own words) and that he needed a holiday isn't the proper way to say that this were wrong in our M. I can't believe that after a year I'm still so raw!
((((((((Rouky))))))))) More hugs your way. I'm so sorry. I'm not sure what else to say but please know I'm here to chat to if you should need to. I think I would pamper myself right now - whatever makes you feel better when you're ill maybe. Have some candle lit baths, eat chocolate/ice-cream or whatever your 'thing' is, snuggle up watching a film or reading a book. Anything to take care of you. (((((((((((((Rouky))))))))))))
You haven't done anything to deserve this. And although I know how painful it is, I want you to do a little mental exercise:
Imagine that your future self time travelled back to tell you that your future is fabulous. That in the future, you have a new man who adores you, is reliable, kind, caring and successful. You have career success and pursue your passions.
Would you still be as upset as you are now? No , you'd be excited about that new life that is coming, and you'd start preparing yourself for that future.
You CAN have that future. It's about doing the work on yourself so that you can find and be a good partner for the right guy. It's about pursuing your dreams so that your life is great with or without a man. It's about breaking out of your mental chains and challenging yourself.
Hola mi corazon! I hope today is better. Just knowing that you are alive makes me happy:-) Try to get some exercise and keep working with your therapist. Brighter days are ahead as God has something better in store for you. He will give you peace in his time so be ready for it when it comes!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Funny that me being alive made you happy Shotgun as wasn't thinking like that today! Was on the verge/ crying most of the day! I'm really down. H is taking OW to his weekend for his favourite hobby competition ( he never asked me to go even before we had kids), went out with friends but my heart wasn't there! One texted me to say that I looked quite depressed and I am! I don't get it. I'm 13 months into this s$*t, it feels like I'm back at BD! Why am I like that? I can't see a happy future. H has really broken me and I can't seem to find a way to mend me. H came to pick up kids and no acknowledgement of my presence! How much simpler it'd be if there were no children involved!
Have I been the worst wife in this world? Am I that difficult to live with? I have always put my kids and H before me? Is it wrong to put your kids first? Did I really deserved to be cheated on? Am I that evil that H couldn't be honest and tell me he didn't love me anymore instead of having OW! I have registered with dating website to boost a bit of my ego, even on it I get no interest! I know I'm not ready to date but it'd be nice to chat at time! Feeling so worthless, second hand good!
I'm sorry Rouky. Truth be known I have been depressed lately as well. Oddly I am happiest at work. Not sure why but I am not enjoying hanging with my son. I am ashamed to admit that but I also know it will get better. All of this will get better. Like you I am no where near ready to date. I have joined a dating website as well and I get more attention than I dreamed possible. I have chatted with several nice ladies but they all seem to be in a pretty bad spot. I have no intention of going out with any of them but it is kind of fun to chat with them. Just trying to be honest with everyone. I simply don't believe that you get no interest on a dating website. Someone will grab you up when the time is right. Until then I will be happy to chat with you. Everyone here loves to hear from you too. It can be a little depressing though. I can promise you one thing that I will be coming here to check on you until you don't need it any more. God Bless you Mi Amor and have a fun weekend.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Hey Rouky, I'm sorry you're having a rough time Sweetie. Now then, you're making the fundamental error of seeing his crisis as being all about you. I must have been a poor W because otherwise why would he.....
But his crisis is all about him and you happened to be the closest person there and were badly hurt by it. Yes, having a PA is not a great way to run from a M and an emotionally healthy person would probably have the tools to do things differently (and probably would have had a transition rather than a crisis.) However, he doesn't have the tools...
The realisation I came to is that my H's poor choices do not diminish me in any way. I am not responsible for his poor choices - they are all about him. I was a loving and faithful wife, I'm attractive and I was kind. I looked after my SS, welcomed H's family and supported H in his work. I was also a flawed spouse, selfish at times, struggled with aspects, wasn't always authentic, didn't always express my needs and so on.
I hope you'll come to see things in a more balanced way. I think you are grieving now and that is entirely understandable, but please don't internalise those things that are his and not yours.
Take care, be kind to yourself and I hope you feel better over the weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Had a slightly better day today. Kids were a bit annoyed because we didn't do much but all I wanted was to stay in bed and with two young kids you can't. Went to my niece's hen do party was a bit dreading it but was PMA and acting as if. Two of my SIL were really good and we got chatted, whereas I was very surprised with the last one. Very cold towards me ( she knew from the beginning that H was cheating on me, she was very supportive to start with), but all she said to me in 3 hours was it's good to see you. I could see that she was avoiding eyes contact with me. She is the one who has always been close to H, but at the beginning she told me that she hated him for what he had done! I can't believe her behaviour towards me tonight! I was observing her and she was the center of the attention and looking at her I could clearly see the same behaviour from H. This family is completely fig up! There are possible explanation about her behaviour: she has met OW ( funny as she told me she'd never want to meet her), she hasn't appreciated that I challenged her brother when he didn't pay his share, she doesn't like the fact that I'm not going to the wedding reception or she diesbtvlije the fact that I have gone NC with H. Was she really expecting me to be friend with him? It su$%s a bit as I though she was my friend but clearly not!
If my brother had done what my H did to his wife I could tell you that he would be sorry after I finished to tell him what I thought about him. Why is infidelity no longer frowned upon? Why is it so widely accepted? Were are the values and morals gone?
