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job Offline
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kml has given you excellent advice. The child support money is definitely something you will need to agree to whether you need it or not. I like kml's ideas and I think you should consider them. But, that's my two cents.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Rouky Offline OP
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I think God is giving me some time to sort things out. Got a letter from solicitor regarding exchanging contract but there were few errors, then got a phone call from surveyor indicating that he is concerned about something in the house I'm supposed to buy. So I called the solicitor who them told me that they have been querying few more things on the hour I'm buying and she said not to sign the contract before I got answer to my queries!

So a huge relief here, as tomorrow I'm meeting with solicitor to arrange for legal separation if not filing to secure myself financially. I feel like a huge weight has been taken of my shoulder! As my H taught me always keep your cards close to your chest!

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Good job Rouky! Happy to see you so strong. Keep using that amazing mind of yours and take care of yourself first. Thinking of you always!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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Rouky Offline OP
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Went to solicitor and went ahead with legal separation. I am protecting myself financially. Solicitor said that H's proposal was fair as I could end up with less equity from the sale if it were to go to court through D judge. If it was the case I'd be able to afford a descent house for kids and myself! She says that his proposals are fair and not to rock the boat too much.

I'd be lying if I didn't shed few tears but this is how it is and now I have reached the point of acceptance that this is my life now! I also found out that there is a lot of history of nervous breakdowns/ depression in my H's family (my FIL had one, one of FIL sister had to be institutionalised due to severe depression).

Doing legal separation means that when H will file for D it'll be quick as all financial aspects would have been sorted out. I know he'll file for it as soon as he is in his new house, so I'm expecting it in the next 3 months. I'm fine now with it as for once in his life he won't be able to blame someone else for his mistakes and he'll take responsability for ending this marriage. I only protected myself financially today.

On another note got a hi and thank you in the same text by H. A nice gesture as I never got anything like that since separation! Also OW updated her FB profile pictures with a quote happiness this way. It hurt a bit because she did it on the anniversary of the day I kicked him out and changed it as the same time I called her last year to tell her that she could have my H! This has made me realised that she feels she needs to be in a competition with me and that she is insecure to put have chosen that day and that time. I don't believe in coincidence!

If I were her I'd start to feel worried, and this is only my take: for 2 years she has been OW in the dark, and now for a year his GF ( so in total 3 years with him), but H still hasn't initiate D proceeding, hasn't introduced his 2 young kids, then bought a house that isn't near her or me ( he could have said that he bought his house where it is so he can do it up and sell it, but it's all renovated). Also with H's record with women: left his first child when she was 4 because he hated her mum, then cheated on his wife and left two other young kids, I guess I'd be concerned if I was his new girlfriend. I can understand when someone leaves their partner but when it happens twice and that the second time he would still be with his wife if she hasn't found out about the affair cries big red flag to me. It looks like a pattern to me from H's behaviour. Or OW is so desperate that she will accept anything from H.

Also in his letter H has outlined what kind of access he would like for the kids and it looks like he would be only spending a day with OW every other weekend! Not a good start for a new relationship if your partner wants his kids every weekend, but hasn't introduced them to you.

I know I shouldn't focus on OW, but it looks like she might not get the relationship she wants with him, so it proves me that H is the one with BIG and SERIOUS issues not me .

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Rouky Offline OP
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Sorry for the typo as I'm on my phone :-)

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You are right Rouky this is about your husband. He is unhappy with his own life and looks in all the wrong places to find it. You are a step closer to the door of acceptance and I want to tell you that it isn't as scary as you think it is. Good for you for protecting yourself financially with the separation. None of this is your fault and you have to look out for yourself and children because your husband isn't going to. Praying for peace for you Rouky!


M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
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I agree with Shotgun about you being absolutely right about your H. His issues will just follow him about from relationship to relationship unless he realises it's all inside him and deals with it. Just incredibly sad for the people he hurts along the way. I also agree with what you said about the OW. I've never understood how someone can trust somebody who they knowingly are the OW/OM to! How do they believe in all honestly that they won't do the same to them? If I were her I'd be feeling incredibly insecure about the fact that after 3 years I haven't met his children! Not very committed to her it seems.

Well done for taking the steps to see a solicitor to protect yourself financially. That must have been very hard. The thought fills me with dread. At least H is doing something right if your solicitor said he is offering a good deal. Stay strong. x


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Rouky Offline OP
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I won't say that asking for legal separation is what I want but it has helped in a way to speed up detachment. H texted today saying that he couldn't drive as he's off work and got strong pain killers.

At the beginning I thought it was a prank as it's April's fool today, unfortunately it wasn't. I validated and said that I'll drop kids to him. When I saw him he was well drugged up and it didn't affect me like I thought it would. I guess it's what everyone calls detachment!

H texted and tried to call several times but it was related to house sale, so no big issues there. I'm under no illusion that OW will come to see him tonight but I'm fine with it. I can't see any baby steps from H, so I guess it's making it better or shall I say easier to detach. It's a shame that H isn't prepared to give our marriage a chance. Now I can look at our photos without feeling sad, crying or being angry. Although still went on OW FB page and I could feel the anger boiling like a volcano about to explode. So now I'm not going to check her out again. She is welcome to have him as he has been able to deceive,lie to me and I can honestly say that he WILL NOT change. He won't look about his share in the failure of our marriage and he certainly won't do the work he needs to have a healthy relationship with anyone. If she thinks he'll change with her, I think she is going to be chocked or maybe she will accept everything he wants just to keep him as she must know that if he cheated on me for so long, the same could happen to her.

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Hi

good for you to protect yourself

You seem strong and in a good place making wise choices

The OP is usually a sick and desperate person
first they are dating a married person
I don't think they think so much of their future partner as a cheater
they are cheaters too
probably people with low esteem and little morals
Sometimes I read on the boards they have addiction issues
my XH wife 14 years his junior has psych issues Ive been told
she never actually met his kids while they were in this area
I like what u said and I feel the same

She can have XH..I wish them both the best
it it wasn't her it would have been someone
Mlcers usually get OP


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Rouky Offline OP
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I was reading on the newcomers about if the WAS/WS is truly done they are indifferent. H has spent most of his day trying to sort out things for the same of our house and he could have as well left it with me, but I guess it isn't being indifferent to me but he sees it as business and it has to be dealt with. Also he said a couple of things I could do before I move house. So would you consider this as I difference or just being polite. I guess he never was like that with his first partner, so could it be guilt? Who knows just thinking out loud :-)

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