Thank you very much Kml. I'm the biggest earner and he has no pension, so by having him signing that he gets 50 % of sale of the house but leaves the rest alone, I'm protecting myself. He has more to gain from me, than me from him!
I don't want to fight. I know that financially I'll be fine. Having the new house is a good start for me as I'll have a low mortgage and I even calculated that without child maintenance from him I still be able to have a descent life. I don't want to be too generous, but I want to be fair to him as he sold his first house to allow us to buy the one we are selling now.
If it's a good deal for you, then I recommend going ahead and filing for divorce in order to get it all FIRMLY documented. Again, early generosity usually gives way pretty quickly to stinginess. And even if he signs a paper it really has no legal standing as you are not in a divorce. He could come back at any time in the future and claim that his situation has changed, he didn't realize how much bigger your pension was, he wants alimony, etc etc. WASs in crisis have a way of falling into financial ruin, and once that happens, all bets are out the window in so far as financial agreements go.
Also, make sure he's not counting on not having to pay child support. Child support is very important for your children's futures and you definitely should not let him off the hook for that unless he's going to be doing 50% of childcare and splitting all kid expenses 50%.
I know you don't want a divorce, but once he's said he's going to file and is living with another woman, you NEED the legal protection of a divorce (or legal separation - but in my state, at least, a legal separation would have been just as much work and e4xpenses, and then you'd have to pay that all again once you divorced). Plus, if he's offering you a good deal now, you should get it set in stone before he reneges on the deal (a VERY VERY common occurrence I'm afraid.)
Rouky, You are the only one that can determine whether to invite your h over for meals and cake. If you are comfortable in doing so, then do it.
As for the financials, please listen to kml. She's a very smart lady who knows exactly what she's talking about. Sure, right now, he may say that if you sell the house and give him his half, he won't go after your retirement, savings or assets. Even if you get him to sign a piece of paper, when the time comes, he could cry the blues to the judge and say he signed it under duress or when he was on hard times because it's the only way that he could get the money from the sale of the house.
I would make darn sure that anything that happens pre-divorce is handled by a lawyer and is legally binding because anything at this point could changes, especially after he gets his hands on his share of the house sale. You can be fair about things, but you need to ensure that you are legally protected. No one is saying to take him to the cleaners, but we are saying that you need to have a legally binding agreement in place and that may mean divorce.
Yes, I do understand that you don't want a divorce, but there are times when one may be necessary in order to protect the assets, etc. If he should ever get his act together and want to reconcile, you can then decide if you want him back and remarry.
He had choices and he made the wrong ones and now...he has to face the consequences of his actions and sometimes...they have to lose everything before they come to realize that what they had was what they were looking for all along.
For now, you have to focus on you, your children and especially your monetary assets.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Had a down day because I was worried about finances. Supposed to exchange contract this week or next week but only seeing solicitor in 2 days. I guess I left it too late as I was still hoping that H would come back. Silly me. I came to the conclusion that there isn't much I can do about it. I'll have a letter draft by solicitor to make it more official to H to sign. That I will probably will have to withhold exchanging contract for a while so H signs the paper. I know he'll not be happy but I can't be kicked out of the house, and I could just live in even if he only pays half the mortgage as his name is on it!
If I move house I don't really need his child maintenance ( he offers lower than what he gives to his eldest whereas we have two kids!). I can't even be angry with that!
He is happy to spend his time with two of his great friends ( only learnt about them about few years ago), who are in their early forties but never married, no children and both single! My H is hardly ever in touch with his old friends since he accused them of behaving wrongly (ie being cold, distant with him whilst the weekend before he was bragging to them about OW) with him the night I found out about his cheating! And in the evening he is with OW. He even told me that he'd taking one of his two mates away for a long weekend as a thank you for puting him up the last year!
Funny thing is that H would never spend any money on me or finding good deals for the kids' birthdays, now he is spending a lot more on our kids: taking them to the cinema, nice little restaurants, doing fun things with him! He evn wants to take them abroad in summer whereas before he was saying he couldn't take some time of during summer. I'd take my kids to see back my parents but he used me going to see my family as one of the reason why he cheated because I was putting my family before us!
My parents called to say one of my auntie passed away, unfortunately because I was so low today I cried and started to feel sorry for myself! Now I have done it I'm feeling better but I'm at an age where I should be strong enough not to cry like a baby.
Thanks for allowing me to express how I felt today.
I am sorry that your aunt passed away. Your emotions are very raw and it's understandable that you would cry. We can cry at any age and there's no shame in that. In a way, crying helps us to heal and move on a bit.
Sounds like your h is trying to buy the love of his kids. They'll figure this out in time.
The MLCer becomes the mirror image (opposite) of the old self and will do things that they didn't do with us.
Take of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If I move house I don't really need his child maintenance ( he offers lower than what he gives to his eldest whereas we have two kids!). I can't even be angry with that!
Child maintenance is money he owes to your KIDS. If you don't need it for day to day expenses, put it away in savings for them later. Odds are he won't be able to help them with college expenses when the time comes, you can put it away in a college fund for them. There are formulas for figuring out the child support amounts.
If I move house I don't really need his child maintenance ( he offers lower than what he gives to his eldest whereas we have two kids!). I can't even be angry with that!
Or use some of the child support money to buy disability and life insurance on yourself, so that the kids are taken care of if you get sick or die.
Hey Rouky I proud of you for being able to cry There is no shame in it and it shows how deeply you feel for your family and loved ones. I only wish that I could have been there to wipe your tears. Be strong lady and be smart. You are a great mom and a great friend and a source of strength for me and others. I hope you rest well and have a great tomorrow!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
