Moved here from newcomers as I don't feel a newcomer anymore. T: 12 years, M: 10 years, 2 young children. Not English speaker so when I moved to UK, got no family support from my side. Background: 6 years ago MIL died in tragic car accident while I has just given birth to my second child, my first one was 19 months old and was dealing with my dad having Leukaemia. Since we have been together we have moved houses 4 ( in a couple of months it'll be number 5 but separately this time), H has changed job 4 times. 3 years ago H mentioned that he wasn't happy, that he was going to put himself first and that he needed a holiday. We'd go on holidays in UK or back to my home town. H said few things about me and I try to rectify them but I found it hard to deal with two young children, a full time job, a dog and a house to run while H was only attending his needs. On Valentines day 2015 found out H was having an A for 2 years ( it started at the same time as him telling me he was going to put his needs first), I gave him a chance but found out that 2 weeks after he told OW it was over he has been back with her for 2 weeks! So I kicked him out. I did everything I shouldn't have done until I found DB. For the first 2 months after I kicked him out OW wasn't in the picture, but 2 months later H took his wedding ring off and told me it was over. Before he was back to OW he would stay at home longer and speak to me. Now I'm treated the same way as his ex-partner. Won't talk to me nor stay in the same room as me. H has a child from previous relationship and left kid when she was 3! Meet me 4 months later, our relationship was long distance for 6 months to start with. He is still with OW, says he doesn't live with her but I know he does, he meet her kids. He hasn't introduced her to our two, when I asked he said that our kids are happy like that, that in a couple of years there might be someone else. He has introduced stepdaughter to her but only once. H has bought a house nowhere near me OW. I went dark for a while but allowed him to come back to the house as kids wanted it. H is very cold towards me, since last week he has dropped kids at doorstep, whereas before he'd come in. Two weeks ago he asked for something that we seemly agreed on & I said I'd think about it but as it didn't go his way he started this not being in the same room as me behaviour.
Last Friday ( bank holiday) H decided to pick up kids early than his normal time expecting me to drop what I was doing to suit him ( like he was expecting me to be home as it was bank holiday). I validated him but also added that 3 hours notice before he wanted to change access time was a bit unfair as I could have planned something else. I added that I would be grateful if he could appreciate that at times he can't expect me to drop what I do to fit with his plans.
H told me that he would come and do a job while he drops present for daughters' birthday tomorrow. He didn't mention when, so I asked him when he said at some point during the day. I replied not possible, then he said in the afternoon, then replied not possible as I have guests. He said just before lunch which I replied not possible as guest are coming for lunch and I said that it'd be better if he could come in the morning. Didn't ask what time! Since that conversation last Friday, H is completely ignoring me in my own house. Sorry for any typo as I'm on my iPhone.
Forgot to add H hasn't filed yet but said he'll do it once house is sold. We aren't even legally separated, but got an appointment to do this. Not because I want to but produced a letter in which I'll be losing out financially!
Sorry forgot to also mentioned that he got his first kid at 21 and left her when she was 3 years old. Hum, after reading my previous post and this one I can see a common pattern, H started his affair when my youngest was 3! Maybe he doesn't like the number 3 :-)!
Family background: my dad cheated only mum and she only found out because she caught an STD, parents still together. His background: FIL a serial cheater ( including a 3 year affair and suspicion of a child with an OW), his 3 siblings all of them cheated on their husbands!
Please please please see an attorney before you sell the house. If there is equity in the house you need to have a negotiated agreement in place. What if he owes you money in the divorce, but he's squandered his share of the house proceeds? DO NOT agree to anything financial until you see an attorney. You need to protect yourself and your children financially. Rolling over and giving the WAS whatever they want has never ever worked to bring them home. Standing up for yourself sometimes does.
You've both been through some tough times and the depression that triggers can certainly trigger a crisis. But consider the possibility also that maybe your H is just an unsteady, unreliable partner. His track record with work and relationships doesn't sound very good.
I agree with KML. My H suggested we sell the marital home. He was using our city flat and I was renting and it would have suited me to have a chunk of money now.
However, my L advised only selling as part of full settlement of finances. In my sitch, we have two properties and investments too - but the marital home was the only thing we jointly bought and if we sold it and worst case scenario H gambled away all other assets there would be nothing left.
But, if the marital home remained as leverage, there was always going to be a significant asset there, even if he squandered away everything else. I would never have thought about all this and I valued her advice and have stuck with it.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Welcome to the MLC Forum. It's not the place where you want to be, but I can assure you, you will find a wealth of info here to help you navigate your h's crisis.
I agree w/the ladies, get in touch with a lawyer and find out what your rights are w/respect to the house and the financials. The more info that you obtain, the better for you and do not share that info w/your h. Please do not agree to and/or sign anything w/o a lawyer looking over the paperwork. Do not trust and/or rely on someone in crisis to do the right thing. They are unreliable and will say one thing and do another. Promises mean nothing when it comes to money when it comes to the crisis person. Also, if the lips are moving, they are lying most of the time.
The more knowledge you have, the more power you will have over your situation. Come here to ask questions, vent, share, etc. There is always someone around to listen.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you very much everyone, I appreciate your input. Had a thought last night, everyone if know wants me to skin him down financially, unfortunately it's not in my nature. He has written a Letter saying that if I agree to half share of the house sale, he wouldn't touch my savings, pension or assests. I'm going to see solicitor to have it written officially! It won't be legally binding as we need to be divorced for that to happen and I don't want a D. Last time I went to solicitor she said that when D happens the fact that H has signed a paper agreeing to the above would put him in an awkward situation if when we come to D, he asks for more in front of judge!
I'm just wondering if H isn't in MLC but just done with me and used the A as a way out. He came way early today ( was our eldest birthday) and stayed longer than usual. He did a little job and said he'd come back tomorrow to finish it off to which I said no and he finished it here and there. I had made one of his favourite dish as we had guests, so I offered him some before he left. Then offered him to come back later in late afternoon for a slice of cake. He gave me a time, but didn't show up. I wasn't too bothered to be honest, and he turned up half an hour later. Then stayed with kids until we were ready to eat.
While he was there we discussed the share of furniture, which we both agreed on as it's what I had in mind anyway. He even offered me to keep something he built before we met! He also talked about his projects, work . No mention about how I was or what I'm up to. It didn't really bothered me. I guess that it's what you are calling detaching.
I know that offering him some food and asking him to come back later for a piece of cake is against DB as it was like we were again as a family, but I offered him food as I wanted to (not to nice him back), and as it was his daughters'birthday I wanted to be nice. By doing those things he feels like he hasn't lost anything.
My logic behind it is that when I'll be looking back at my life, do I want my kids to remember how bitter I was with their dad or do I want them to see me behaving woth dignity and treat their dad the same way I'd do with a friend. I have chosen the latter as it's who I am: a caring person. I lost that side of me when I became a mother, got stressed by my job and swallowed by everyday life. This has cost me my marriage and i have to get back to who I was before I got married.
Had a thought last night, everyone if know wants me to skin him down financially, unfortunately it's not in my nature
No one here is asking you to "skin" him. Unfortunately, though, many women tend to be "too nice" to their Hs and as a consequence, get really abused in the finances of the divorce.
Again, do NOT agree to anything without a DETAILED financial analysis from an attorney. You need to know what you would likely get if you divorced and it went before a judge. You need to get a FAIR settlement in order to protect your future and the kids (and frankly, to protect the estate against H pissing it away, in case he does come back.)
Is your pension worth more than his? What savings and debts do you two have? Who makes the larger income? Would he be likely to owe you alimony? How much will child support be? Is it really in your best interests to sell the house?
When the WAS offers you a deal, it is SELDOM to your advantage (except sometimes in the very beginning if they feel really guilty - but those often renege on the deal later).
Here's on sample scenario. Imagine you sell the house and agree that you each keep your own savings and pensions. He squanders his half of the house proceeds. Then you end up in a divorce and discover that there are marital debts you didn't know about. He's broke but you still have your share of the house money and you end up having to spend it all on the debts.
Or, imagine you agree to split half the house in exchange for him leaving your pension alone, but you later discover that HIS pension was worth a lot more than yours, and you should have received a larger share of the house money as compensation for that inequality.
These are just a couple of the many ways in which you might be getting taken advantage of. Don't make the mistake of confusing the financial aspects of a divorce (to protect you from his financial mistakes) with the emotional aspects of the relationship (people can and do remarry after a divorce).
Bear in mind, too, that at least here in the States, it is often an option to stay in the house, with H contributing to the mortgage above and beyond the amount that you might have to spend in rent, with an agreement to sell the house and split the proceeds once the children are grown. (Granted, this type of agreement is more common when the kids are a bit older than yours.)
Just assume, for the moment, that anything he is proposing benefits him more than you, and do not5 agree to it until your lawyer and accountant have evaluated it.
