Finding myself and leaving my Wife to her MLC

[kml]

Drunk texting?

[AJM]

Don't ever capitulate to your wife on things that are important. Stand firm and eventually they will give in. My ex wanted to sell the house at a great loss. I absolutely refused and stood strong on this for two long years. When she couldn't get her way she walked away from it completely. They will try and destroy everything in their path. Stand strong and don't let her do it.

Yes, yes, yes! That's almost exactly how it played out for me as well.

My thought? The MLCr is in a hurry. They feel they "deserve" whatever they can think of. Happiness, the house, the cars, etc. Mine would have happily kicked me out, kept me from the kids, sold the house, and/or moved the OM into the house while trying to get me to pay for it all. Happily. But it's easy to see they are in a hurry and want it "right now". If you don't, they'll get nice, mean, or some combination of that.

I read your description as her trying to bank some "niceness" like a teen would do to their father before asking for money.

It's not fun, but you do have an obligation to yourself to protect you. By that I mean, figure out what's important and stick to it. If it's not, don't sweat it, right? But if it is, stick to it like it's life or death.

I am sorry to say, it's likely she'll continue to play these games as long as you respond. For me, that meant I was on the hook for the roller coaster (to some degree) until the kids were adults. I had to at least accept the email. I refused text and phone calls starting when she moved out. I needed the record of the conversations

But I also realized along the way that every time I responded, no matter how business-like it was, it reset the clock and the ex thought she could take a mile.

You need to find what works for you. You need to keep the important stuff firm in your head and let the rest go. You didn't ask for it, but you are in that position.

Email also allowed me to give time before responding to the requests.

There were some good ones too even years later. Good times

Just know you're not alone on that path, Irish. There have been others that have walked that path and we all had to find ways to deal with the ex because of the kids. You can find it but remember to be very protective and suspicious. She's not in a place in her life where she'll reciprocate or respect no matter how nice she seems at the moment in time she wrote it. And heck, you'll get blamed regardless - may as well do the right thing by your daughters and yourself.

AJ

[123Gwen]

Irish - You handled this recent communication from a place of strength. Much respect and empathy for having to deal with the irrational. It is far easier to handle things as we become detached but you can't rush it and sometimes we are going to backslide because we are strong but we are human.

Sending you good wishes and best thoughts for a nice weekend. These holidays give us pause but I have to agree with Life's Twists that your intentional parenting will reap such sweet rewards for your daughters over the long haul.

[Irish M]

Sorry for the long post ..

Drunk texting?

KMl, no clue.. but it must be very close to that because it made no sense. I made the mistake of getting pulled into it. Something I won't do again.

[quote]
I read your description as her trying to bank some "niceness" like a teen would do to their father before asking for money.

Hi AJ, i agree 100% . felt like it was my daughter softening me up before the bad news... but even my own daughters don't do that so it made it even worse. I needed a shower after her playing me like that.

[quote]
I am sorry to say, it's likely she'll continue to play these games as long as you respond.
AJ

Yes I am sure at birthdays, holidays and events that affect her mood and thinking she will have these touches. I will only not play into them like I did last week I will avoid texting them. Email is a great idea.

It is far easier to handle things as we become detached but you can't rush it and sometimes we are going to backslide because we are strong but we are human.

Hi Gwen :-)
yes backslide. I'll put it down as that. loll . I will and did learn from this. In my previous posts I did backslide a few times. Not fun, but I've noticed that following the backslide, the days and hours that I am affected by STBXW comments and attacks. I recover from them a lot faster. This in itself, I am very thankful for. It shows me that I am getting full control of my feelings and not letting her get to me.

Last Friday, before the mothers day weekend. My D15 was walking home, she does this on occasion if she stays later at school to study. Her path home goes right in front of STBXW work place. D15 doesn't like walking that way but has no choice. It leads to the bride going to our side of town. D15 notices her mom pulling out of the parking lot. She ducts her head down in hopes she doesn't get spotted. She crosses the bridge thinking she made it. Wrong. STBXW pulls up along side her and starts calling her name over and over. D15 hasn't seen her mom since Aug 2nd 2015. 1 phone call and a dozen or so emails . Emails that were every 2-3 months with no real effort to connect or apologize for what she did to the D13 and D15. And zero contact since the end of January.

D15 kept walking and then sprinted off running away from her mom. She called me out of breath and crying when she got home. She said she didn't know what to do. Said STBXW must of saw her and spun around to catch up to her since they were going in opposite directions. I asked D15 why did she run, she could of had her mom pull over and talk. D15 told me. I don't want to see my mom. I just happen to walk in front of her office like I've done 20 times since she has left and not once did she try to see me. All of a sudden mothers day she wants to be a mom and say hi. No thanks.

I understand my D15. Also its not the proper way to reconnect to your child by approaching her on the side of the street. I messaged my STBXW. I said at least you saw one of your D's before mothers day. I don't approve of your approaching her like that. How about starting with a letter or email telling them how you feel and apologizing for the things you did to them.

STBXW replied. Yes i saw my Daughter. nothing to apologize for, they need to accept my choices.

I replied. have a great weekend.

so sad she still thinks the way she does. I can't imagine the feeling i would have if one of my kids ran from me out of fear and wouldn't even look at me calling them, Ouch.

I had an amazing weekend with the girls, went to my moms and celebrated my Mom and granny day. Lots of love to go around.

This brings us to yesterday.

a full day of texts from her. Nothing about mothers day or D15 running away from her. I answered the first one since it was amicable and concerning the daughters passport forms. She confirms she mailed them out to me. thank you :-)

She went on about the weirdest things. How I didn't pay for her credit card after she left and an invoice made out to her for the cable she had set up in her apartment that she had for a month before dropping it and moving in with OM. She failed to pay any of the bills and rent.

Cable bill is now 1000$ dollars, guess she didn't cancel it when she moved in with OM. She gave me the sad story of how she is in dept, owes her mom, her lawyer and her moms boyfriend money. Isn't going to pay for anything for our daughters until those debts are paid. And that's only if she has any money left.

How is this my concern? I replied after 6 texts about her debts.. "Your debts, your relationship with the girls and your possessions are all yours. You own them. How you deal with them is no concern to me. We could of saved thousands if we spent the 168$ each for the final mediation meeting instead of you walking out. Now lawyers are making the money.

if you need to communicate with me please email me from now on. Texting is not a good way to communicate. Have a good day."

end of texting for the day... guess she thought that her sad tale would make me feel sorry for her. nope.

hope all you mothers had a great mothers day weekend if you celebrate it in your area.

hugs
Irish

[123Gwen]

I think the most difficult part is not the end of our marriage but the treatment of the children. I know that is my biggest struggle these days. Supporting my daughters' choices and trying to stay neutral in regards to their father.

You are doing an admirable job. Hang in there.

[Irish M]

Hi Gwen

Yes, it's her treatment of our daughters that makes this even harder. I know it's out of character for her and everything she did to them is far worse than what she did to me.

I won't even accept her as a friend if she clears her fog. She will have too much damage to repair and I don't think she has it in her.

GAL this weekend is taking the hard too off my jeep and going for a long drive to nowhere with a friend. The girls are at sleep overs until Sunday morning. Sunday me and the girls are going to get our garden ready for this season

[job]

Irish,

Enjoy your weekend. A long drive sounds like fun and who knows, you just might see some really cool and interesting wildlife while you are driving around.

Don't look too far into the future when it comes to your wife. Yes, she's done a lot of damage...but time will heal some of those wounds and hopefully she'll get it together at some point and want to reach out to the girls and reconnect.

I do understand how you feel about now wanting to be a friend to her if she wakes up because the damage was too much, but give yourself the gift of time and healing because we don't know what the future holds for any of us right now. You don't have to be a friend, maybe an acquaintance will do when the time comes.

Enjoy your day!

[bttrfly]

hey Irish, just got caught up. wow. you have handled this so well. great job! I wish you many beautiful photo ops on your drive today and much fun setting up the garden tomorrow with the girls.

i'm trying to convince my boy to go to a local museum to see an exhibit by one of my favorite artists ... new stuff, some never seen here in the states. thankfully it will be on exhibit for a while, as it might take a bit to convince S to join me ... I love your GAL activities and how you've stepped up for your daughters and also shut down the monster ex. very inspiring!!!

have a beautiful day!
xoxoxo

[rd500]

Hi Irish , just to echo the posters above. Don't focus to much on your future with W or decide now on how you will feel further down the line. Forgiveness is a choice and when that choice is offered , see how you feel then

Your W is clearly going through something and not able to process on how her actions are affecting others. I still remember your story of your wedding day and I don't believe that type of bond and love disappears Not trying to give you false hope more just look towards now more than the future Your Ds are very lucky to have a dad such as you and when / if your W appears from the fog , let that great , caring person that is Irish decide if forgiveness is possible. Something tells me your capable of anything you put your mind to

Just my humble opinion Irish

Take care of you and your wonderful Ds , Rd

[Irish M]

Had an amazing drive. Took so many pictures. Spotted 3 hawks and one eagle. Was able to stop and set up my camera and I got some great shots. Usually I don/t come back here so fast because I take time to digest the other sitches I read. Heartbreaking and sad we are all in this. But together we are helping so many understand this MLC,WAW, WW and whatever else the mind can cause our loved ones to run or act like spoiled teens. The responses I got today made me think that I was taking a left turn when I should of kept straight. RD especially touched a sensitive spot with me.

Don't look too far into the future when it comes to your wife. Yes, she's done a lot of damage...but time will heal some of those wounds and hopefully she'll get it together at some point and want to reach out to the girls and reconnect.

you are very right Job :-)
also I can't predict the future. The relationship with her daughters will be up to her and them. I know my D's are well aware of W's personality change. When I explain to them and talk to them they are not angry at their mother. They don't hate her. Just right now, not connected. They do have big hearts. If STBXW does her work, I think the work I've done with the girls will make it easier for her to come back into their lives.

i'm trying to convince my boy to go to a local museum to see an exhibit by one of my favorite artists ... new stuff, some never seen here in the states.

Hi Bttrfly ((hugs)) I hope your S will go. I read your sitch and you too are an inspiration to me. I think we should all be proud for the strength we have to handle this and be parents our kids will look up to and feel safe.

Your W is clearly going through something and not able to process on how her actions are affecting others. I still remember your story of your wedding day and I don't believe that type of bond and love disappears Not trying to give you false hope more just look towards now more than the future

Hi Rd. your post sent shivers down my spine and tears in my eyes. The memory of my wedding day will always be with me in my heart. I just seemed to have put it in a box these last few months. You just opened that lid. I thank you. I guess I put the good thoughts and memories that I cherished aside to help me disconnect.

You are right. I can't say for 100% that I won't forgive my W. Again protecting myself for the moment. One thing I do know , my story is not over yet.

Thank you all for making me remember the person I am. I am a forgiving person and saying that I would never forgive her is wrong and out of character for me.