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* 18 years married
* Separated twice before and reconciled
* This time October, I screwed up and said I want a D
* 2 grown older kids (previous widow sitch)
* 2 kids by me (teenaged daughters)
* November she got her own apartment
* To keep the peace, 16 year old with me and 13 with her

Here's where the real problems happen:

When she moved out, we were both emotionally paralyzed and were mostly done. Neither of us knew if we were really going to divorce this time, but the 1 year clock for the separation started November 15th 2015. We talked and I said, "Let's take the time to see what happens. If nothing improves or you still want the divorce at the end of the year, then we'll divorce. In the mean time, no one dates! If either of us want to start dating, we talk about it first." We both agreed and she left the house.

PROBLEM - we moved 700 miles down south years ago. She had friends from high school living 2 hours away - also down south here. They were high school sweethearts and married over 30+ years with 2 daughters of their own. October 30th 2015 the wife was driving home (I think she was texting or something) and was in a head on collision. The people in the other car survived, but the OM's wife instantly died. My wife lost her husband to cancer when she was only 27 years old. She knows what it's like to lose a spouse and wanted to help the husband in his dark time. I truly believe she was only there in support.

Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but recently I learned how I've been emotionally disconnected from her on and off over the years. I'm a great H, just wasn't bonding with her or the daughters emotionally like I should have. She comforts OM who is in crisis, and he talks and listens to her who is very lonely. BAM!!!

I went back to the old phone bill (she now has her own cell line) and see that the were talking and texting everyday in December. That's only a month after his wife died!!! Who does that???? They were having sex and in a relationship by Christmas - less then 2 months?

Her Grandma died last summer and she was heading way up north to get some furniture from her house before the big sale at the end of January 2016. My W goes up with OM his 15 year old daughter, and 3 of our daughters because he had a truck and trailer. One big group of "friends" on a road trip. That's when I snapped out of my funk and thought, WTF? They have to be just friends!?!? There's no way this would happen so quickly in 3 months, go public, and have all the teenagers and extended family around. My W and OM went to the same high school and I reasoned that he's just heading up to see HIS family. I told my very bright and loyal to her daddy 16 year old daughter that this has to be nothing, but keep your eyes open for anything suspicious.

2 days later W comes into the house (didn't know it at the time - wearing a Harley Davidson shirt) got her mail and dogs (I even agreed to dog sit) and left with a cold attitude. My daughter and I sat down and she told me that they got to OM's house the night before and spent the night. They made all the girls go into town for pizza and were gone an hour. The 16 told me that mom had wet hair and changed into OM's Harley shirt. She thought they just did it, but wasn't sure. I knew exactly what happened.

Next day I went over to W's apartment and confronted her. She admitted it. Like - "Sorry, but oh well." Also, "You need to get on with your life and I'm not going to stop seeing him." Cold as artic air... I got up without showing and emotions and just walked out.

I've been a mess since February 1st~ and she knows I've been crying and sad because me kids talk.

16 is beyond repair about this and she doesn't car (see Sandi's Rules). She spends more time and energy in creating a wonderful sitch with OM's daughters and doesn't care about her own. His had a big problem at first, but quickly accepted this BS! I'm finding out now, my 13 likes the guy and she covers for my W!!!

She's been leaving town 75% of her weekends for his place. They publicly support each other on their inspirational FaceBook posts. Are you kidding me?????

Reading the Sandi's Rules helped me to understand what Love Drug induced spell my W is currently in. My fear is that this isn't just an A, but actually building a full relationship so that they both have their butts covered when our D is official Nov 15th 2016.

I wrote her a hand written letter about understanding and respecting her feelings and her pain that I unknowingly caused her over the years by emotionally neglecting her. God knows if she even read it. 2 days later she went right up to OM's house for another overnighter.

Now I'm through the worst of my suffering though I still see her in my dreams and nightmares occasionally. I'm working on not being a H, but a strong confident man. This is so easy for me with the world, but very, very difficult with the woman I love hurting me so deeply.

I've got 8 months before time runs out legally. Tick Tock and he's got her attention. Her and I don't even talk. I wrote her a text last week saying, "Sorry if I'm being a little difficult with you lately (short tempered), but the pain of all this is killing me. Bare with me while I grieve the loss of our marriage."

She's all business lately and short with me until that text. Her response was gushing...

"Thank you for understanding, you should know it wasn't easy for me either, but I know that in this process, we will both come out happier. Take as much time as you want and thank you for setting me free, I will always love you for that. Sorry we didn't work out, but surely the perfect one is out there for you."

To normal people, that would be the last nail in the coffin... and it could still be. However, after reading all of Sandi's Rules, this is very typical of a woman on an emotional high who is having an affair.

I'm 44 and don't need a whole lot of sympathy. I need help and guidance... I'm re-reading DB and working my plan.

QUESTIONS -

I apparently detached during our marriage, detached during the first couple of months in the separation, spent 1.5 months trying to get her attention back in a dignified way, and now starting to detach again with GAL. I have done great things with rebuilding my relationships with all 3 daughters, but no progress with the W. She's still seeing OM. What the hell to do? I'm hoping he's hasn't properly dealt with the grieving process over his wife, and my W will snap out of the honeymoon phase soon. I know most of the time infidelity is a "Deal Breaker", but when you truly love someone you can work through anything.




Thank you for reading this and helping a loving Husband and Father find his way through this... with or without the best thing that ever happened to me... my wife!


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Improve,

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. Knowing what to do, and what not to do is crucial. It's good that you have found us. We can help. An excellent resource available to you is our Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching Program. All too often people have difficulty finding help from a professional who is both dedicated to saving marriages, and skilled at helping them find solutions (rather than talking endlessly about problems). Your DB Coach will help you come up with a fresh approach and specific steps for you to take to save your marriage.

Seldom is divorce a mutual decision. In most cases there is one spouse who is strongly motivated to work on the marriage, while the other is less so or perhaps not motivated at all. Divorce Busting® Coaches specialize in working with the spouse who is more motivated to keep the marriage intact, and will assist you in developing a very specific plan to get your wife back. DB Coaches have helped countless people from all over the world save their marriages and keep their families together. To schedule your appointment, please give us a call at 303-444-7004.

Another good option - Michele offers 1-day or 2-day private intensive sessions for couples in our Boulder, Colorado office. People travel from all over the world to spend a day or two with Michele to heal their marriage. This is truly a 'life changing' experience . Give me a call at 303-444-7004 if you would like more information about this.

I look forward to speaking with you and wish you the very best.


Michele Weiner-Davis
The Divorce Busting Center

Transform your marriage with a private 2-day intensive with Michele Weiner-Davis. http://www.themarriageintensive.com
Email michele@divorcebusting.com
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Thank you Virginia for telling me about the phone coaching support. Will have to make some financial arrangements, but will be using that service very soon.

In the mean time, I'm looking to understand what I need to do today and tomorrow.

* I've gone all week without looking at her FB (or OM and his daughters either). It does more harm than help.

* I already sold my project sports car (for a loss) just to get rid of it.

* Spending more quality time with the 13D who lives with W.

* Getting back to working out and taking care of myself (eating a sleeping much better lately).

* Looking for a social weekend job (will help with GAL and extra income).

* Haven't texted or talked with W since briefly last Monday when I was working out with my 13D in the park for Lacrosse.

* I've been reading (again) Divorce Busting and really searching my soul for the "What To Do's" lately.

* Confused about going dark... I've been too detached in the marriage, but now have to detach during the A. Clearly pursuing her now isn't working. Trying to get back to Alpha Male status again slowly (as long as I'm polite, this does seem to have a positive effect on W).

* Weird - she hasn't un-friended me on Facebook. She knows I can see everything they're doing. They're very sly about it... only likes and support for each other; nothing any outside would even clue in on, but spit in the eyes of me and our 16D. Thinking about blocking her from my FB to protect myself and to send a Sandi's Rule message to her that I'm not a doormat.

* She's completely building a nest for OM's household. She keeps them emotionally supported through their loss (ironically while replacing their wife/mom), cooks, has adventures together, and having sex with OM. Real future building BS...

* The part that really gets me, is that on a level playing field, this OM isn't even remotely on my level. He's lucky to even be talking to my W. However, I'm learning the hard way that he's beating the hell out of me with my W's #1 need, emotional support.

Need input please............. thanks in advance!

IMPROVE





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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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So sorry you are here Improve. I feel your pain. I'm in the middle of it myself and its absolutely devastating.
As painful as it is, you are going to have to realize that there is nothing you can do to control her or make her come back. Emotionally, you've got to let her go and work on YOU. That's the only thing you have control over. I think you have to mentally divorce her and begin moving on with your life. Most A's crumble for one reason or another. You can choose to wait around for that to happen and hope she comes back then or you can begin to move on with your life now.
Its been 3 months since I discovered my W's A. I thought it had ended but 2 weeks ago, I discovered that it is still going on. I've filed for D and intend to serve my W next week.
I LOVE my W and want nothing more than to have her back but I'm not willing to stay in this emotional waste land. I'm moving on with my life with or without her. Serving her with D papers may snap her out of her fog but it may not. I'm prepared to move on regardless as a much new and improved person.
Follow the DB process and read all of Sandi2's posts in this thread about WW's.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.... HUGE HELP!!!

Thanks LiM!!! Excellent clarity with the Sandi2 thread!

Still re-reading DB also! I hate being in the dark -

Thanks Cadet for the links... reading all of them too!


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I'm heading over to my W's apartment today to get the emotional hand written letter (understanding the pain I caused her in the marriage with an apology) that I gave her last week for her birthday.

* It adds fuel to the wimpy, wanting husband problem.
* She doesn't "deserve" it while still sleeping with OM.
* Sandi's Rule: Get your respect back.
* Symbolic of my having balls, detaching, and soon GAL.

I just don't want it hanging around out there with her. I need to take a counter measure with the damage this pathetic letter is causing. Her respect (or complete lack of) for me is fueled by it. This is just business... not showing any emotions to her even when she tries to test me. Wish I found these rules prior to writing her that letter. I think their A is at it's peak. They're all but out in the open now with the families and seeing each other as much as they can be now.

***** This is my final letting go step. Once I get my pathetic letter back, I'm full steam ahead with focusing on MY LIFE. I'm 2 months into this doing it "Nice Guy" way. I would have been more effect in the beginning with Divorce Busting and the Sandi's Rules, but is it too late or last resort now?

Looking for insight...... Improve

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Good work Improve. Definitely deploy the LRT if your W is a WW and spend this time working on you. She may get her head out of her a$$ eventually but you need to be prepared to move on without her so you need to take care of yourself.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
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Posts: 7
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UPDATE:

Went to W's apartment and got my forgiveness letter back, then things got heated. She hesitated at first, then went and got it. I told her she didn't deserve this letter right now because of A with OM and she replied, "I don't want it! I'm WITH (insert name) OM!"

Then something really effed up happened. My 13D came out of her room and completely attacked me for being selfish and defended her mom. 13D went on to tell me how much she likes OM and that mom is happy with him. Worse yet... I'm not a good father or husband because I'm not supporting mom's happiness with the A.

WTF?!?!?!?

And to add crazy to crazy... while trying to stand my ground with 13D over the issues without fighting with her (clearly brainwashed by W), during the lecture and attacks from my daughter, out of the corner of my eye I see my W standing there quietly nodding her head to 13D.

I explained that I do want her and mom to be happy, but I'm not going to stand here and support an affair even if we are separated with different residence and heading towards a divorce.

ALSO, why is the 13D arguing about the marriage? Not me as a father, but me as a separated H? When the hell did that become her fight???

Form of control, the 13D tells me to leave and get out. I try to talk to the W outside for 15 minutes trying to find common ground with our kids.

13D is hurt by me and loyal to W.

16D is hurt by W and loyal to me.

W was cold as ice and even tried to lie about things with A and OM that are facts. Trying to re-write the facts and details to suit her. CRAZY! She got snotty with me so I left...

Went home and talked with 16D (living with me) and she went off on W in a really nuclear text message to her. Wife copied me on it for parent support and I responded with I really don't care about your feelings anymore. Your problem with 16D! Also, since 13 is giving me crap and your hurting 16, we're moving out of the state at the end of the month and to just leave us alone!

No response from W.

OUTCOME: We blocked her and all her connections on Facebook. And 16 and 13 texted each other afterwards. Suddenly in the middle of the texting the tone got upbeat and mature. 16D knew W was on the other end; not 13D. "Hope your life gets better" and "This is probably for the best".

Sandi wasn't kidding when she said that this is not your wife or their mother. My W will currently destroy anyone or anything to get her "fix" again with the affair fog.

Now we go into the "witness protection program" for the next 6 months to let the dust settle and to work on our well being.

What a f#@%ing nightmare!!!!

I did mess up a bit, but didn't play doormat either. I got the letter back, didn't support the affair, blocked them from Facebook, and will be moving out of state soon. Simply working on establishing respect for me as a man and as a person. Not a total loss all things considering. Now for her to eventually miss 16D and possibly me with going completely dark.




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