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Sotto - I don't often post these days but you raise an interesting point.

I think the term MLC encompasses a wide range of behaviours - and certainly the person going through it isn't acting in a mature way - There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but an affair is never a good idea.

For me there are a number of 'tells' - one is totally uncharacteristic behaviour. People other than the immediate family are shell-shocked.

Another is total disconnect with their previous life, activities and friends. They drop the marriage and their former life. Maybe keep up with one or two people (who were not necessarily in their pre-MLC inner circle)

In many cases (not all) they are raging and vengeful at some point, and will seek to asset strip their family and spouse.

In other words, in MLC they flip out into being someone else that we, the immediate family, and their closest friends simply do not recognise at all. They are like an alien in your spouse's skin, they have dead eyes and no empathy at all.

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Bea's posting is spot on. I want to add one more characteristic to the MLC mix...confusion.

BTW, Bea has hit on the exact opposite (mirror image) of the person that they once were. This is very, very true.

Whatever the reason for them leaving the marriage, affairs truly are not the way to go about it...but so many of them follow this route, i.e., be it exit affairs or MLC. Such a shame.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Oh yes, the confusion . . . this is a true story. My xh honestly didn't know whether he was coming or going. About a year after his MLC he set off in the car to drive south. I got notification at my house (of course he hadn't changed his address etc) of a speeding ticket at 3am going in the opposite direction from the one he intended to be going.

There are more details, but what he was doing driving North in the small hours when he told everyone (and intended) to go South will never be known!!

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Originally Posted By: Sotto

"The very last thing is that just because your spouse wants out of the M and is having an A to transition out of their M doesn't mean they are in MLC, it means they want out of their M and can be immature within the context of M, unsuitable for M. They want to walk away and are in an interim A to get the support to do so........personality failures indicate that we should run not walk. Seeking MLC as a reason for failure canot hold back posters and the only way to know is to post and receive feedback."


From my very little experience around MLCs and marital problems and potential affairs, I admit that the thought sometimes crosses my mind, but I could not deal with him not being in a MLC and simply being through with me. It is so much easier to justify having to stay in this relationship (for the kids) because H has is going through a MLC rather than admitting that he is just an idiot. I genuinely think it is a MLC, but somethings I wonder..


"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?”

-Erin Hanson





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Thanks Bea, Job and Esame. He does display many MLC signs. For example, he doesn't even know what month we S last year! Our £ agreement has the wrong date on it and rather than get it changed, I've 'signed up' to a S date 6 weeks later than it was. Anyway, I guess none of it matters too much. I just tell myself, in the unlikely event he does turn back, I would have to consider how I felt at that point. Not much point worrying over that in the meantime.

Well, a mini non-update from me. Since we signed the agreement (and I texted a lovely pic of me with SS to H) it's been total radio silence. I think the £ papers are off to court now for stamping and I guess H may or may not yet have applied for the decree absolute to finalise the D. I'm back to slightly watching the post again - familiar feeling.... crazy

As for me, well I've been doing okay. This week I've had a cold and it hasn't been so social either, but I'm on the mend and I have a few social plans over the weekend. I've been reading His Needs Her Needs, which is interesting. The needs really differ and I wonder if guys who read it find their needs resonate with the 'guys needs.' I thought the list of 10 needs that always seem to crop up..but priority order may vary among folk..was useful.

Scratches on new car are all fixed now, so that worry is over and I can enjoy it. I'm still mulling over possible salsa lessons starting in May too. Feeling pretty detached about H just now - like I'm 'so over' him. Why would I want to spend time worrying over and wanting him? I do feel I'm the prize right now and if he wants to elect to grab the wooden spoon instead - well go for it! I'll make other plans.

I've pretty much decided I'm going to buy this flat (fair price permitting) and I'm making some modest renovation plans for when the time comes. Nice guy and me also been chatting still at work and once I am D'd, I may pluck up the courage to ask him out for a drink. He seems potentially keen....though gives off nervous vibes too. I like him and I like that he has 'provenance' as I have known him for almost 20 years (though he was M for most of that time and D'd a year or two ago.

Anyway, life trundles along and in the main I'm good....working towards great grin

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto,
I hope you feel better soon. Nothing gets you down like a cold. They linger for a while. Try to get some rest over the weekend.

Yes, men's needs are different from women'. I read that book and found it very interesting. It's been around for a while.

I'm glad the scratches on your car have been repaired. One more thing off your checklist of things to do. As for the flat, if you like the place and the area where you are currently living and can afford it, I say go for it! At least you know the people/area and you won't have to pack up and move.

Enjoy the interactions that you are having w/the nice guy. I don't see a thing wrong in asking out for a drink. You might be pleasantly surprised that he's been trying to work up the nerve to ask you as well.

Actually, I think you are already at the great level.

Have a great weekend!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Sotto--I concur with job. You are already at the 'great' level.

And salsa lessons???...You go girl. I would so go with you if I lived anywhere near you. I love dancing!! Do you need a partner? Maybe "nice guy' will go with you. Just a thought..lol


Me 47 H 49 S18 S15
M 21
BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY
I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16
Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16
BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16
Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June
H leaves 5/7/16
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Damn right you are the prize!!! H is a fool. His loss is most definitely your gain ... and potentially Nice Guy's also.

Glad car is fixed and spiffy new and you've made the decision about the flat. Sorry about the cold - wish I could send you veggie soup !!!!

Your GAL activities continue to impress me and are a wonderful example for us to follow. Love you and hope you feel better and have a great weekend xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hi Sotto sorry to hear your ill. Good news on the car , hope it wasn't to hard on the wallet 100% agree on you being the prize , and a fantastic prize at that

Mr Nice guy sounds good and maybe a good way to dip your toe in the dating pool. You know him so you would have topics to break the ice and I think it would do you good

As always you are the poster girl for GAL and if you announced snake charming next , I for one would not be surprised

Take care. Rd xx

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Ah, the cold. It's not been a great week for weather. Good on you for salsa lessons and Mr nice guy seems like he might get the prize! Go Sotto!


M 45 W 52
SD22 S9 D8
BD 6 April 2015
Not living together 4 Dec 2015
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