I gotta say I think I had my first "spiritual" intervention last night. When I was coming home from the store I took a different way than is the straight route. Just thought it was still nice out and I could keep my mind off everything while being out of the house for a few extra moments. I turned down a road and glanced up at the name of the road and it was "Scotch". I actually cracked a smile. And then to come home and have this urge in my gut to stop before the house and walk to the back like that, something I could have done before and never felt the need to, kind made me feel like someone wanted me to see what was going on. Maybe give me clarity on why moving out of this relationship isn't a bad thing...
So this was about 9pm or so at night. I came in, put the groceries away and went straight up to bed. I guess I should have said goodnight to her because either that or the guilt of what she was doing caused her to come up stairs after me. She came in the bedroom and I was getting into bed. She asked whats wrong and I said I don't want to talk about it right now, I'd like to process my feelings first. So for the next 2 hours or so she raged. Getting extremely angry at me trying to force it out. Not letting me sleep. Pulling the blankets off, grabbing the pillows, things like that. She even held me down at one point when she thought I was going to get up. She turned into a sweet person at one point asking "please tell me" very softly. I just kept repeating I need to process my feelings and don't want to talk at the moment. She went back to rage mode and started saying if I don't tell her now this will get ugly. I kept saying, I'm sorry you feel that way but I need time.
She brought up me needing to be honest with her and added she was being honest with me. (I guess honesty has a different definition these days).
She finally went to the door and said it again and added if I don't tell her right now she is calling a lawyer. I repeated myself one more time and she left.
I felt really sad watching her do this. Sad that she was losing control of herself. Sad that she was is still lying to me and doing things behind my back. It really made me see her in a new light.
M:13 years Known her for 30 years! Me: 40 W: 38 Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7 BD: 02/07/2016 Found EA: 3/22/2016 Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16 Got Papers: 6/15/16
I'm trying to get myself mentally prepared to get served. I have a feeling that she will file in the near future. I'm sure that will be a rough day!
I found a divorce support group in my area. They are meeting at the end of this month. A bit nervous but it will be nice to talk to more people about whats going on.
M:13 years Known her for 30 years! Me: 40 W: 38 Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7 BD: 02/07/2016 Found EA: 3/22/2016 Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16 Got Papers: 6/15/16
It seems like they meet on different nights. I'm planning on going to go the the May 24th meeting at Traverso's in Naperville.
I was told of another one that I need to check into to. http://www.newbeginnings-naperville.com I was told of 2 people who went here and had good experiences.
M:13 years Known her for 30 years! Me: 40 W: 38 Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7 BD: 02/07/2016 Found EA: 3/22/2016 Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16 Got Papers: 6/15/16
We sat down together last night for about an hour to discuss what we need to do to sell the house. She kept making comments like can't we pay someone to do that? Or this is gonna cost a lot. Yes it is gonna cost a lot and take time I told her. I was a calm talk. I acted like I was ok with moving forward with everything. We had a brief talk about her going to the doctor for some issues and that was it.
Talk went well for something I don't want to talk about.
M:13 years Known her for 30 years! Me: 40 W: 38 Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7 BD: 02/07/2016 Found EA: 3/22/2016 Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16 Got Papers: 6/15/16
Everytime we talk, and I don't agree with what's she's saying, or ask her questions, she immediately gets emotional, says I'm trying to control her and walks away. How can I talk to her like this?
M:13 years Known her for 30 years! Me: 40 W: 38 Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7 BD: 02/07/2016 Found EA: 3/22/2016 Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16 Got Papers: 6/15/16
Everytime we talk, and I don't agree with what's she's saying, or ask her questions, she immediately gets emotional, says I'm trying to control her and walks away. How can I talk to her like this?
Why are you talking so much right now. Try drinking a STFU smoothie, listen to her IF and ONLY if she wants to talk. If she wants to sell the house, let her do everything. You don't need to come up with a list of what needs to be done or call an agent or anything else.
Take this time to work on you, focus on you and worry about you!!!! If she decides to sell the house then when you HAVE to sign something or look for your own place do so but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUSH THESE CONVERSATIONS RIGHT NOW!
If you always want to bring up/talk about the future she will see that as pressure/controlling. Step back for a while.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Twinmom she is coming to me to talk about what she feels needs to be done. Selling the house, splitting assets etc. At this point I'm listening and adding my opinions. I'm trying to not have to have lawyers involved if possible. This is why I am listening and adding comments. I feel if I shut her out when she tries to talk, won't that just send her to the lawyer and cost me 10k at then end?
M:13 years Known her for 30 years! Me: 40 W: 38 Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7 BD: 02/07/2016 Found EA: 3/22/2016 Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16 Got Papers: 6/15/16
Twinmom she is coming to me to talk about what she feels needs to be done. Selling the house, splitting assets etc. At this point I'm listening and adding my opinions. I'm trying to not have to have lawyers involved if possible. This is why I am listening and adding comments. I feel if I shut her out when she tries to talk, won't that just send her to the lawyer and cost me 10k at then end?
Then listen and validate where appropriate. Learn to use a lot of uh huh, I see, I understand where you are coming from, & that's certainly something to think about...........
So basically if she comes to you and says, "we need to sell the house so we can each have our own place" you might respond with "that's certainly something to think about" or "let me know if there is something specific you need me to sign or do"
Don't do the "heavy lifting" of the divorce out of fear it will cost you $$. If she wants a lawyer nothing (including trying to reason with her) will stop her. If you want mediation then start that process yourself.
It DOES come across as controlling when you try to convince her to see through the fog. You may have her best interests at heart but it only comes across to her as controlling.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
