Depressed to WW

[Scotch]

I've obviously been thinking of nothing else but this since then. What it means to me what she did. If I want to stay in this marriage. If I could stay in this marriage. My initial reaction is to continue to work on my marriage. I'm sure thats a natural instinct.

I have made mistakes in the marriage just like her. To have a tally sheet of who's is worse doesn't make such sense to me.

[Scotch]

We talked again Sunday evening. It started with us finalizing our taxes. Then she asked if I wanted to talk about telling the kids. (I'm not ready for that yet) I said I'm still processing my thoughts and haven't had a chance to talk to my counselor about it yet. She said we could get a mediator involved to make this cheaper and get it going next week.

I felt I needed to stop and ask about the OM (EA). So I asked if there was still communications. She said that has nothing to do with this and started getting angry. I explained I don't want an open M and yes it does have something to do with this. She said I get advice from friends and family etc. But I said he has crossed boundaries, that makes it different. I would not have talks about our M if he is involved. She was getting pretty upset about it and said I was being controlling. She finally said fine I will stop and then we can tell the kids quickly correct? I said I would work on it.

I have gotten the feeling that she doesn't want to process any of what has gone on in our marriage. Is that normal? She just wants to forget everything and move on. Not addressing how it makes her feel.

[Scotch]

So I'm really trying to figure out the way to proceed. I've gone back to acting like nothing is bothering me around her (the best I can). I came home from work yesterday and she was cutting her sisters hair. I acted completely normal, said hi to them and then went about doing my own thing.

After they finished, my W said her sister was taking her out to dinner as a thank you for doing her hair. She was getting her stuff ready by me, saying bye to the kids. She came up to me and got within a few inches of kissing me goodbye (like we would do normally). Then she realized and pulled away laughing. She said of sorry, wow that was weird. We all kind of chuckled about it. Am I looking to far into that? Was that habit or was that a reaction because I was being normal, her walls were down and she was able to just act?

[J5K]

Scotch,

She wants to lay all the blame on you. My WW is doing the same thing. Continues to lie about dating and just wants to finish things because she ultimately feels her way of thinking is the only way.

If W feels ok with herself to date then that is something you can't control. The question is, how long are you willing to accept this behavior? Are you willing to wait for W to make the decision to S or D and continue to DB until then?

[Scotch]

JimKao,

At the moment I'm still in DB mode. And I agree 100% she is laying blame on me. She does that every chance she gets to defend her actions.

Because this OM was someone she knew from her childhood and reconnected with at some point she defends trying to stay in contact with him because of that. I pointed out he has crossed boundaries and she doesn't see it or doesn't want to. The guy commented on a picture of her on our Anniversary weekend getaway we did this past August saying, Your such a beautiful woman. I mean come on! Duh he's been trying to persuade you for years! Blame it on the fog I guess

[trumpet]

Scotch,

Been in your shoes, brother. If OM has family, out him.
Tell your wife you're moving on with your life, without her, since your hard boundaries have been crossed. A very difficult time for you. Act as if you're Divorced.

Think long game. Make SURE she knows she just lost plan B. That takes weeks of action. A day or two won't cut it. Take off for a few days by yourself.

Talking here from what I should have done.

[Scotch]

OM does not have a family. At least not wife, ex wife or kids that I've found. He has family here in my state but he is currently living in another state. I know he is coming here this summer from what I've sen but I'm not sure if its a permanent move or visit. I've have had advice to "out" him but I haven't decided if thats a good move or not yet.

Trumpet, as you know, acting as if I'm over her and telling her that as well is a scary decision to make!

I'm trying to stall on her wanting to tell the kids. I thing thats a big one for her. Once she goes down that route the rest is easier (in her head). She has been dreading telling the kids from what I've overheard. I mentioned she should start the other processes if she needs to hoping to delay telling the kids. She also mentioned sleeping on the couch and getting up before them to hide it is tough on her lol. Definitely not worried about that!

I appreciate the reassurance that this is a long term battle and not a day to day one

[Scotch]

She came to me again asking about telling the kids. She said our middle son (11) has been acting different and getting emotional and she says its because of us. Well I'm sure it is. He senses somethings wrong. He can tell we aren't the same. But again, I feel telling the kids is more down the road when things are actually closer to being officially done. And part of this is her not liking sleeping on the couch and having to get up before the kids wake up.

[Scotch]

She pressed me this weekend about telling the kids AGAIN. She wanted to tell them Yesterday. She said she was gonna do it with or without me. I told her you don't want to do that! I told her there are other things that need to come first, like getting the house ready and putting it on the market.

I don't want to tell the kids now for a couple reason, and maybe you guys can give your opinion.

First is I still want to see if we can work on the marriage. I'm not at a point of giving up yet. I feel in her head, once she tells the kids it is that much easier to go through with this. Telling the kids is going to be the hardest part for her.

Second is telling the kids and then sitting in the house for 6 months or longer just prolongs the pain for them and also will confuse them. My youngest are both just turning 8.

I know I'm supposed to giver her what she wants but I think I need to pick what I give her as well

[twinmom]

I wouldn't involve OM family.... from my own experience they might not care. I never anything to OW family (mom/dad/siblings) but she and my H told them he was married with me being pregnant & they welcomed him with open arms. It may not work out like you think...

As far as telling the kids, I would talk to them about how marriage is really hard work and you're doing the best you can right now but things are rough. Assure them that they will always come first but mom & dad need some space. So they can see W sleeping on the couch & not get upset. And no, I don't think it will be easier once the kids know. I think reality will SLOWLY set in.