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#2664503 03/23/16 06:26 AM
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I decided to start a topic here because yesterday I found in my W's diary an entry saying she was falling in love with OM. Obviously I feel sick!!!

Let me start with just a bit of the background on how this started. Feb 2nd was the BD. This came on the heels of a pretty happy (so it appeared) Dec. She threw me a surprise Bday party and took me away for the weekend, just the 2 of us. Within a month or so she is telling me she is done.

She has a history of depression, self confindence issues, keeps her feelings guarded so she doesn't get hurt and commitment isssues steming back from her childhood when we meet and dated (all of which she admits in her diary). I should say I've know her since I was 10. Started dating in high school. So I know (or knew) her pretty well.

I added the above because I don't know if that effects how I handle a WW. Maybe everyone can advise on that.

We have a family trip next week. Yes, next week. We planned it months ago and when she told me, she said she wanted to give the kids 1 last happy vacation before telling them. We leave this Sat for Fl.

The OM is someone who she knew in her 20's. Old friend who has appearently been after her for years through FB etc. It seems he finally getting her to listen. Although I keep getting reminded it takes 2.

So I believe this didn't start over OM, but rather her commitment/depression etc., and has now included OM. (Maybe the order is different than what I think)

Need some advice on how to handle/act on this vacation with the family and how to move forward. Thanks!


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2664522 03/23/16 08:30 AM
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Another question I forgot to address is do I confront the A? She is not aware that I know. Do I need to ask if she is having one etc.? Or tell her I know and then begin the detachment?


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2664731 03/24/16 10:04 AM
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Posts: 567
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Hi Scotch,

Sorry you are here but it is a good place to be if you find yourself in this situation.
I recommend reading ALL of Sandi2's "Reflection" posts.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1
Its all about how to deal with a WW.
Get and read the book if you haven't. Go to counseling for yourself. Start the DB process. Work on your 180's and GAL.
If your WW is depressed, she probably needs to address that. Is she on medication?
As far as exposing the A to her, I can't tell you what you should do in your particular situation. Is it an EA or PA? My WW is in a PA and I confronted her and kicked her out of the house. I thought the A had stopped but found out a couple of weeks ago that it has still been going on. I've started the D process and intend to serve her next week. For me and my emotional health, I simply couldn't "wait it out." I'm moving on with my life. I gave her 3 months to get her $hit together and she hasn't so I'm done.
If you are going to tell her you know, you need to have absolute proof because she will lie and deny it. And you need to know what you are going to do if you confront her. You really can't demand that she stop. She's got to decide that she wants to do that herself.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
LiM #2664884 03/25/16 05:34 AM
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I should say I think her depression isn't the main issue with her. While she had depression bad when she was younger that has gotten much better. And no she is not on medication. I believe that main issues with affected us is her relationship issues that have come from her parents divorce. Her parents divorced, re-married, had another kid, and divorced again. Her dad was an alcoholic (since has gotten better), her mom had an A. She says she wanted her parents to get a divorce. She was 16 when the second divorce happened. Then later on, her mom bounced around from guy to guy and is now married to her ex-husbands brother. Yes, not a good foundation for my wife. This is more where her issues lie and her unsettled feelings in relationships. She doesn't want to acknowledge the connection. I know this something she needs to see on her own.

She has always seemed to have "one foot out the door". I have felt it throughout our M but never confronted it directly. Don't rock the boat right! She was always protecting herself from getting hurt. That's what I believe has brought us here where she is unwilling to work on our issues which are based on communication. Communication can be worked on. At least you can work on it and then make a decision.


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2665863 03/30/16 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted By: Scotch
Another question I forgot to address is do I confront the A? She is not aware that I know. Do I need to ask if she is having one etc.? Or tell her I know and then begin the detachment?


You can nip this A in the bud or you can play doormat and allow it to flourish and grow. Your choice.



The future is as bright as you demand it be.
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In hindsight, I wish I had exposed the my WW's A immediately.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
LiM #2666713 04/04/16 05:53 AM
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Scotch Offline OP
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I have addressed that I know about it but not any further. Are you suggesting that I need to make a stand in some way about this needs to stop until we are "officially done". Would something like that push her towards him more?


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2666850 04/04/16 02:51 PM
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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Is the OM married? If so, I would expose it to his W. If not, there may not be much you can do. I see many people here that allow their WW to remain in the house while an A is ongoing. You may not be able to legally kick her out but you can try. At a bare minimum, kick her out of the bedroom. I wish to God that I had done more when I first found out. I would be very heavy handed. I know first hand that being nice and showing compassion does not work. They will lie and manipulate to get what they want. Being lenient does not work. Trust me.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
LiM #2666925 04/05/16 05:52 AM
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Scotch Offline OP
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No he is not married from what I can get on Facebook.

She has been on the couch basically from the start of this.

In my state you can not kick the spouse out legally. Of course I can ask. I also have the kids in the house to consider.

I confronted her about the EA maybe a month ago and it hasn't been brought up since. And at the time the conversation was basically asking if she is involved with someone. She denied at first and then finally said yes. It really didn't go any further than that at the time and hasn't been addressed since. But I do know they are still in communication. It stays behind the scenes for the most part. The only time he directly commented on one of her Facebook posts that I could see was this past week on our family vacation. She posted regarding liking a new band and he replied that he liked them too.


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
Scotch #2668354 04/12/16 06:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 118
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So I had another thread going under Newcomers called "UP and DOWN" where I was talking more than here. That was because I was under the impression that this was just an EA that was something more new.

So to catch you up. I confronted her last thursday about setting my boundaries on not having an open marriage in hopes of ending this EA. I truly believe I need him out of the picture if there is any chance at her thinking about us.

It was a few hour conversation. It started with the boundaries which she put up a fight about saying I can't demand those things. To which my reply was I am not demanding but telling you my boundaries. She continued to get mad and I eluded to knowing that she's still contacting her EA. She reacted confused which I was taking as her lying. I said I have proof no reason to lie and she was responding with "wait what are you talking about?" That's when I finally clicked in my head that she was talking about something or someone else. So I stopped and flipped it on her saying ok if I'm wrong you tell me the truth. She asked if I really want to know and I said yes. She paused and the. Began to tell me. First guy was 2 1/2 years ago. Again an old friend from the past who looked her up on FB. Then the recent guy was 2 months ago or so right before she actually told me from a bar. She said that one didn't mean anything. In her mind the marriage was done (ha). I held up my ring again and said l, but it's not. She broke down crying at one point saying sorry and saying she now realizes the reason she did that with the guy years ago was to get back at me for looking at porn and this is how she could get back at me in her head. She said the EA is still just that. She said she considers her as a wife and her as a mother 2 separate things. She admitted her relationship issues but said it wasn't a factor here. She didn't see the EA being interference between us. She asked if I looked up why women cheat and I said of course. She said then I would know that she did all this because I was emotionally unavailable. (justifying to herself I guess) Towards the end It was brought up were we stand and she said if she had to make a decision now that she still wants out and wants to tell the kids. I went upstairs and changed to leave (4:30am) and came down and she tried stopping me saying to just go to bed and cool off. I was just going to work at this point but didn't tell her. My last comment out the door was, the statement I made tonight when this started (about not contacting guys while we are married) still applies


M:13 years
Known her for 30 years!
Me: 40
W: 38
Kids: 17, 11, 7, 7
BD: 02/07/2016
Found EA: 3/22/2016
Told of 2 PA's: 4/8/16
Got Papers: 6/15/16
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