Have no idea how to link my other thread so to summarise last Tuesday h came in house ( I wasn't there) and decided to write on calendar when he wanted the kids over Easter break ( cheek) we have an agreement he has them every other weekend , takes them out Tuesday evening and I have pretty much given holidays he wants.
But he wrote that he wanted them every weekend over Easter , two of which are 'mine' . I won't agree. So he keeps pestering me to have them Friday night and Saturday.
I've just texted back basically ' no that is my weekend but you can take them out Monday if you're free' . Am I wrong? Keep me strong please as he has the innate ability to make me feel unreasonable because the kids live with me. But of course they...I didn't leave.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Your last posting on the previous thread said he is constantly texting you. Don't respond back. I thought he might bombard you w/a lot of texts wanting the kids for the weekend. This is one way that the MLCer will try to get to you so that you'll change your mind and give him what he wants. It's called "I'll continue to annoy you until you give in". Kids do it all of the time. Stay strong. If you give in this time, he'll use this tactic again and again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It drives me mad. Yesterday he rang the kids but my sons phone was off. Then he rang land line and left message( when I've asked him not to leave messages) and then he rings on my mobile. I ignored all. Why can't he just leave me alone. He made his choice but just wants to hassle me about the kids constantly
He's not going to leave you alone until he gets what he wants. He's like a child that you tell them no to a piece of candy and then they annoy and whine until you finally give in. He's trying to wear you down so that you'll give him what he wants. Some of them do this and you just have to stand your ground and not respond to the calls and/or texts once you've stated your views.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And he carries on. Saying are you really not going to share the weekend. Confirm before I go for mediation.
Throwing his toys out the pram. Honestly..... He can't have my weekend and I'm not being fair...after everything that idiot is done. Please help me be strong. I haven't responded to his text.
Breathe! You have already told him that they are going to be w/you this weekend. Can you locate the text message that you sent w/that info and just resend it? If you can't resend it copy it and paste it into a new text and advise him that you sent him a test on such and such date advising him that the children will be spending this weekend w/you as this your weekend for visitation. After that...no more texts about it.
I can visualize him lying in the floor, holding his breath and stomping his chubby little legs on the floor.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well...he just dropped the kids off and just said....I've given the kids some money as I'm not going to see them this weekend . Looked sad. He may go mediation but he's lost this part.....I'm glad I stayed strong . Thank you
Hi Mia, I think the first meeting for mediation is free and you don't do it together! I'm from the UK. To protect myself financially I'm gonna to have to go for legal separation. If you have time go and see a solicitor to see where you stand! I'm not even pretty sure myself.
Mia, Your h looked sad hoping that you would feel bad about your decision and that you would change your mind. Maybe he was really sad, but he has to learn to "share" in the visitation and be aware that both of you have certain weekends w/the children.
I also agree w/Rouky...do not agree to or sign anything w/o having a solicitor and/or lawyer review the documents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't feel bad as such.....I feel sad that we are in this position...but he did this. I may have done things in the marriage but at the end of the day he was the one who stopped seeing friends and doing thins. When I look back I feel he relied on me for too much of his needs rather than taking responsibility himself. That's too much for one person. But instead of talking to me and doing things he did what he did. I can't imagine him and her are as exciting either to be honest . At the end of the day with relationships I guess it will always turn into 'same old' but it's how you deal with that that matters.
Mia, You are very wise and those are very wise words, i.e., "same old, but it's how you deal with that that matters".
Stay strong and calm. You've got this!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was like you scared when I first say no as I was so used of not standing my ground in fear that he'd leave me. Now that is done, I can tell you it's liberating to say no when you don't want to do something!
The kids were talking about ow last night. They seem to be accepting her. I suppose that was inevitable now he's living with her. Did hurt though. My youngest asked me what I thought and I have to admit I did say calmly but with a smile, she is nothing to do with me and she never will be but its good you feel more comfortable with her. Hope that was the right thing to say.
"the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship."
Had to copy and paste from an dictionary site. I think my H was in that state for awhile, too. Good word to know.
Remember, as hard as it is having an ow to deal with, she is not the problem in your R and often proves to be temporary. Limerance seems to be one of those states that, due to the intensity, burns out quickly. Like teenaged infatuation with a pop star.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Yes, I've heard of it and the description that ciluzen provided describes it to a tee. It will take a while for that infatuation to burn out and it needs to die a natural death.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's HIM! He's the one that's broken. He's the one that has lost his moral compass. He had choices and he's made the wrong ones. Instead of working on the marriage, he ran away.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And another text telling me he'll pick them up tues as normal and next Thursday then asking if I'd got his last text ( the one about mediation) as I hadn't replied. Of course I haven't you dufus. It riles me his mode of communication....texting me...treats me like I'm something he wiped off his shoe. Don't worry I'm not ting to give him the satisfaction of replying. He wants to talk to me he can start showing me some respect . Bloody texting constantly.
I imagine he is panicking a bit as he is losing/ lost control of me. Good. Take me to mediation. I haven't done anything wrong. But I am going to attempt to sort mediation regarding finances. The kids and I surely are owed more than what he has been giving us whilst he moves in with his silly mare and gets to enjoy a joint income again. Why is he so disrespectful to me? Even the comment ' do you want to meet her' ...how crass is that
Mia, They text and/or email because it is less personal and they don't have to hear the pain and hurt in our voices nor have to see the same in our eyes and body language. It's easier for them to deal w/us via text/email. It's not disrespecting you, but it is the way that they deal w/what they've done on their own terms.
He certainly got over his "hurt" about not having the kids this weekend rather quickly, but he also wanted to make sure you got his email about mediation...he's losing control and he doesn't know what to do and he's trying to rein you back in.
Educate and protect yourself and know what your rights are.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just to be a gnat, he may not take you up on the offer of Monday. Sometimes they will turn around and not taken the offers just to make us feel guilty for not giving them exactly what they want. If he doesn't take them that day, it's his lost and I wouldn't worry about it.
I'm glad you are still in touch with his brother's daughter. I'm sure she was tickled to receive a happy 21st birthday greeting.
Keep the focus on you and your children and continue moving forward. What re your plans for the weekend?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
And again I am up at the crack of dawn. Am sick of waking up feeling like ive been been kicked in the gut again. I am so unhappy whilst my h is happy building a new life with ow. I can't seem to get past this.
I do look back and find faults in our marriage but I have to stop myself....as that puts me in a dark place. I keep worrying that he is insanely in love with ow but I have to make myself believe that this is infatuation. It's not real. The Valentine card he gave me last year telling me he loved me more every year is real.....our history together is real ....our kids are real......I have to keep saying that to myself.....am I deluded?
Hi Mia, I don't think you're deluded. Your H is showing running behaviour right now (OW) and would appear to be in replay. He may well be insanely infatuated for a while yet - but I don't believe he is likely to ride off into the sunset with OW. At least the stats would suggest otherwise - fewer than 3% or so of A's end up as successful R's seven years down the line.
However, do note the timescale and don't expect any early turning back to the M. This has to well and truly run it's course and burn itself out. You are best advised to step back, protect, focus on rebuilding your own life and generally keep the road home paved smooth (ie: try and avoid doing detrimental stuff that could effectively close the door on possible R.)
This isn't a short road I'm afraid and it is best to settle in for the duration - accept that he is gone for now and may be gone for a good while. Focus on the many blessings that are in your life work towards being the 'you' that you want to be going forward.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, I agree w/Sotto in the fact that you are not deluded. Your h is in replay and the running behavior is very typical of someone in crisis. The OW is nothing more than a band aid, i.e., a feel good experience. The infatuation is because of the chemicals in the brain that have kicked in because of this new "soulmate" situation. Those chemicals will eventually fade away and then he will settle down. The two of them may or may not stay together and he could very well move on to another woman down the road (some do that).
I want you to know that she's nothing but a crutch to him. The only difference between her and you is that she is someone "new" and/or "different". She's not better than you...after all you have many years of living together and the memories of that life do not lie. The newness will eventually wear off and the responsibilities of life will take over and he'll discover that it's not new any longer. The affair has to burn out slowly and on its own.
For now, continue to live your life as if he may not return. Keep the focus on you and rebuilding your life. Live your life to the fullest and do the things you've always wanted to do, but didn't have the time to do them when he was at home.
Mia, this is not a sprint...but a marathon and you are going to have dips in the road as you run it, but we will be here to help you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi when you say don't do anything detrimental to close the door on the r what do you mean. I need to take him to mediation so that he can potentially pay us more, otherwise he won't. He demanded to have the kids this weekend ( my weekend) I said no. Some guidance here please
Generally it means not to bad mouth him to the children, family and friends which can create a situation whereby when he wakes up, he won't be able to face these people again and will opt not to return because of it. It's bad enough when others see and hear him doing things, but when we add fuel to the mix and spill our guts to family and friends, it will be difficult to return to face the music. Yes, you may have told your family and friends some things, but you need to determine what is acceptable to share and what isn't.
Taking him to mediation is not considered detrimental to closing the door. This is considered taking care of the business side of things and protecting you and your family financially.
Others may have additional opinions on this subject.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks. Right this second he can go and jump.....what on earth is he playing at....he left the kids too and he is carrying on as if all is ok whilst he plays house with someone else. Idiot
Hi Mia, unfortunately in MLC replay it is all me, me and more me. He is an adult and he is making poor choices. However, try and understand the MLC process and know that he probably feels compelled to do what he is doing and is pretty much unable to resist it just now. He doesn't have the emotional strength to do so. In time, that will likely change but maybe not for a good while.
I understand your anger and it is best if you can release it away from him and in healthy ways. If you can be detached and non-reactive around him that is best as he probably can't really deal with your anger and emotions right now. See, he can't deal with his own emotions which is why he is running and doing this destructive stuff. Unfortunately, he may come to find he has not found what he seeks and also lost a great deal in the process.
All of this is why it is best to keep the focus on you and try and accept/ observe what is happening. It isn't right - but it 'is' and you can't really do anything for him just now.
The more you can read about MLC and depression, the better and you'll know that him behaving like a spoils child is normal and to be expected in MLC. Equally, it doesn't make him a bad person (though he has nothing good to offer you just now.)
Take care my friend and chin up xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks, just been talking to my sister. She describes him so accurately. She said he's living in cloud cuckoo land. He talks about issues that we had but then doesn't say what they are, instead just said to her ' I don't think getting into them will help Mia or the kids' .....completely batting it away. All he's ever said to me was we didn't talk and didn't do anything together.....not true.....and even if it was that was an easy thing to talk about and resolve...not to say I'm unhappy, I don't love you.....then walk out to start up with another woman!! I think because he says things about 'issues' that we had but doesn't name them puts my mind into overdrive about what did I miss in our marriage. I completely accept that our sex life needed more excitement but I asked him straight about that when this first started and he said that wasn't it. I am clueless.
Mia, Sotto is giving you the correct info and MLC is all about "me, me and more me". Right now, he's on cloud nine in euphoria thinking that his life is good, no more responsibilities and he can do whatever he wants. Well...that will change in time because he's got children to support and bills to pay and they won't go away.
MLC is about emotions and when someone is emotional they do not think rationally. That's why it is very important to try to stay calm and not fight w/him. It's best not to question him about anything except subjects that concern the children or finances. The less you poke the bear, the better.
In MLC, they walk away from everything, pets, children, spouse, home, family and old friends and some even change jobs or relocate to start over because they need change.
My former h told me that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, but he had to do this right now. In other words, he felt compelled to run away and be w/the ow. His life hasn't been all sparkles and unicorns since he left, but that's not my worry these days.
Have you done any reading up on MLC and male depression? If you haven't, now is the time to do it. The more you understand the beast, the better you'll be able to cope w/what is going on in your situation. Have you read the thread I created many years ago concerning MLC vs. Depression? If you haven't, I'll be happy to provide the link. Also, I have a thread on here about a friend who experienced MLC which was very enlightening at the time for me.
Keep the focus on you and what you can control in your life for now. Keep the focus on your children and finances. I know it's difficult not to focus on him, but right now, he's acting like a 15 yr old and you can't rationalize w/someone who is emotional.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think pushing for why will be a cheeseless tunnel for you Sweetie. MLCers generally can't provide coherent reasons for leaving the M. It is best to accept that this isn't really about you or your M, it's about him.
Many MLCers come to associate their unrest with their W or M. Failing to do any mature introspection, they run. In fact they feel pretty much compelled to run - as though they will explode from the pressure if they don't. OW initially provides some temporary highs, but those tend not to last...and then the jury is out. However when OW infatuation is at its height, I believe all you can do is step back and move forward with your own life.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
How long does the heightened infatuation last...or is that like asking how long is a piece of strong. My counsellor says to me it isn't real what he's doing with her. He may think he's in love but love is an action, not a feeling as such. The feeling he probably has is infatuation ...and she imagines he doesn't want to be alone. Does that sound about right
Planet Crazy unfortunately! Yes, ideally he'd like you to accept everything and agree to go on a cozy camping trip with OW and the kids - all as best buddies. This is why boundaries are so important with an MLC spouse as they can suggest some crazy stuff.
When I met my H (last time I saw him) soon after we S, he spoke really fondly to me and we had a long hug. After, he told me he felt swept away seeing me and wanted to hold my hand. But all the time (didn't know this until later) he had plane tickets booked to go see OW that weekend. Plus he was ordering books like - how to drive your lover crazy in bed - from the Internet. It's all a bit bonkers and completely disrespectful and this is why we need to remove ourselves to a place of (emotional) safety and have clear boundaries.
It's yukky, but it is what it is.....and we have to make the best of the un-asked for journey xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Mia, It's different for different people. The Euphoria for some is 6 mths and for others it could be as long as a year, but that's part of the MLC and MLC can last a very long time, i.e., 5-7 years and even longer. There's nothing you can do to rush the process and like we have said, it's not a sprint, but a marathon. That's why it's important to keep the focus on you and your family and take care of the financials.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia, There are many, many good threads out there on the crisis, and if you have a word or two that you want to try to find something on, do a search at the top of the forum page. Also, in the far left hand corner, you change the search timeline and I would suggest all dates because there is a wealth of info from many years ago that can be found.
Just remember, you can't control him, rush the process or fix him. This is all on him to do. The only thing you can do is keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
HB is HeartsBlessing and she no longer posts on the forum. Some of her threads are still around, but when the purge took place many of them were purged and when we began to rebuild some of the threads, we only rebuilt threads that the original posters (who were/are still here) approved for us to do.
As for the stages, they were originally mentioned in Jim Conway's book on his own MLC. HB applied those stages to her own h's crisis and expanded them. As we continue to point out, the timelines that she pointed out are not set in stone, but applied to her h's crisis. Each individual is unique, just as their crisis will be. We do not recommend that you put your focus on the timelines, but the stages are fairly accurate...but again, each crisis is unique, and yet, similar in actions.
We aren't allowed to post links to other forums outside of DB because this forum is directly related to Michele's business of coaching, materials, conferences, etc. FYI, this forum doesn't solicit for donations to help defray the costs of running the forum/internet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks job, have had a look. It is interesting about depression. When he was home, h had a constant pain in his side, didn't sleep well. Was losing weight, drinking a lot and smoking a lot. When I said he was depressed he got annoyed and even told my mum once he left that he was fed up with me saying he was depressed as he wasn't. Now he has put on weight, says he is keeping better....the source of his depression out of the picture...me?
Tbh I can't believe he is truly happy at the moment. It must be hard to enter a new r , be on your best behaviour, finding stuff about someone again...why would anyone want to do it ? Crazy.
Well I made 2 calls regarding mediation. It's difficult as I have no one to look after my youngest. One company quoted me £80 another £96. This is all so unfair that he has done this. Am just wondering am I going to shot myself in the foot by going down this route. H earns over 40,000 nod gives me 610 for both kids. He doesn't contribute anymore money apart from paying for my phone and my sons and Netflix. The money he gives does not cover the mortgage so I pay that, bills etc, food with just that addition. Is it worth going down this route...I suppose just to show h that he can't just google what we are owed. I am sure what he is paying below the odds
Why do you continue to think it's about you when he is in crisis. It's not YOU...it's HIM. Depression is about things of the past and anxiety is about things in the future. Sure, he's going to say he's not depressed and yes, they yo-yo w/the weight and sleeping issues.
He might be happy for a the moment, but the euphoria of his new life isn't going to last very long. It's not hard for them to enter a new relationship because it's a fantasy, it's not based on real/true love. It's based on infatuation and lies and trust me, he's told her many of them since meeting up w/her. As for being on his best behavior, that will change too as the relationship continues.
As for mediation, you need to protect you and your children. He's not giving you enough financial support and that's what you need to take care of. Do you want him spending all of his money on her when you have two children that need their dad's support money? Yes, it is worth every penny to get this matter taken care of and soon.
Please stop blaming yourself for his crisis. Only own 50% of whatever may have transpired in the marriage and nothing more.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If your man is in crisis, he's going to latch on to any woman that will stroke his ego, whisper sweet nothings in his ear and go along w/whatever he's doing and yes, help him spend his money. If he didn't latch on to her, it would have been someone else. These guys are seeking anyone that will support them and have a good time w/them. They want someone who doesn't know the real them and who will not question and/or judge them.
As he travels the path, the "love of his life and/or soulmate" will begin to tarnish and the real personalities will come out. Right now, they are on their best behavior w/each other, but let's face it, they can't remain that way for a long time.
Bottom line, the affair has to die a natural death and it will unless he decides to stay with her to save face w/everyone...but that's way down the road to worry about right now.
Go to mediation and stand firm on what you are entitled to for you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh he's in crisis no other explanation for it. It's not his money either if she spending.....it's mine. I wonder if he's told her about the relationship with his dad? I doubt it.
That's why it's important to lock down the finances and ensure that you and your son are taken care of.
They may talk about a lot of things...things that he has no business telling her about your life w/him (in some cases).
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia, are both your names on the mortgage? If they are, by law (I'm in the UK like you) and I have checked with solicitor he has to pay for half of the mortgage. He doesn't have to pay for the bills but for the mortgage he has because his name is on it!
Yes he is on the mortgage. What I don't want is him taking half the equity though if we choose to sell. Anyway I'll see what the mediator says. When he picked and dropped off kids yesterday and didn't say anything to him. Just can't. Is that bad?
Hi Mia, it is worth reaching a point of clarity on what a settlement should actually look like. In my sitch (M, but no kids together (H has a S from, 1st M) and cohabiting since 2006/M since 2009)....
We looked at our overall assets, then we took off what each of us 'brought in' and we divided the remaining assets 50/50. That feels fair to me and I'm happy with that outcome.
However, with kids in the mix I'm sure things will look different. Before you see the mediator, I suggest you clearly set out your circumstances and list any assets/debts/income etc. on a sheet of A4. This should mean they can quickly absorb your circumstances and you can make the most of your time. Try not to cry etc with the L and just stick to business - mine costs £220/hour and charges at 6 minute intervals - and those costs are pretty much industry standard.
To give you an example - earlier in my sitch, my H suggested we sell the house and I would receive 60% of the proceeds plus he'd give me £10k (we both put in 50/50 for the house). We also have a flat in the city and investments too. For me the actual settlement has been 100% of the house + £35k - around double the settlement originally suggested by H.
So, I guess the message is not to believe the MLCer will be fair or have a reasonable take on what a settlement may look like. So, find a good L and be closely guided by them.
Take care and hope this helps a little xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi I have already written down every incoming source and every outgoing. I have for my current mortgage 'bill' and have my recent bank statements. I also have a statement for the loan I took out for him this time last year that I am paying back. With regards to the house it is a joint mortgage and apart from any 'extras' he pays for when the kids are with him and the child maintenance he gives me he doesn't contribute anymore to this family, but lives in a 4 bedroom rented house with ow and d!! I've looked on right move and that house was up for rent summer last year at 1000 a month so I have an idea what he's paying out. My concern with him financially is he has a nasty habit of running up credit card bills and I imagine this is what he is probably doing again, buying beds etc. Trying to make the house he lives in 'homely' for the kids.
I'd certainly check out the credit card concerns with your L. I'm not sure of the position - if any are joint cards, I'd get those separated. If they are his own cards, him running up debt may still be a worry for an overall financial settlement. I'm not sure what could be done about that, but your L can advise.
I recon my L fees will come to around £3k for a relatively straightforward, collaboratively agreed and 'amicable' D with no kids involved. But I have no regrets about the L fees and feel the support from my L has been invaluable. I've been paying £110 a month by direct debit for the past year or so and I get a quarterly bill from them. Usually I need to pay a further couple hundred pounds at that point, which hasn't been easy, but overall I have no regrets.
BEst of luck with things xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Just got an email, he went to mediation yesterday ( Arse) but I booked my appt yesterday with another company. I've already paid , can't get a refund . Don't know what to do.
It's over . I'm so upset...can't believe he has done this to me...how he can have been so cruel. Just want to run away from it all. I can't deal with it anymore.
Hi Mia, I'm sorry to hear that. I don't understand the mediation set up, but would suggest you ring your own mediation company for advice. Presumably your need your own advisor in any cas - whatever he may have arranged?
However raw you may feel, try not to engage with him until you know what you are doing. And please don't presume it is over because he has seen a mediator - only time will tell how things will unfold.
Try & keep calm & deep breaths xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The thing is as they are. Two separate companies they won't share information but I'm not paying another £90 because he got in there first. I assume he will get an email from the company I go to too. I have texted him and said that I can't cancel mine as I won't get a refund. Am I turmoil over this. When will it end. Maybe I should just file for divorce and let him get on with it. Stop torturing myself. He obviously wants his new life rather than his family. Am so sad
Hi Mia, firstly I'm glad it is only £90. So, the plan would be that you guys would use one company to mediate and hopefully reach an agreement on custody, finances and so on?
Is it possible to still go ahead with your own appointment and use the session to get some more information about the mediation process and any options you may have?
IMHO, it is usually best to cooperate rather than clash - so if he has come up with plans for mediation, perhaps it would be best to cooperate with those? Yes you would lose £90, but that's a small amount in the overall scheme of agreeing a way forward on important issues.
I would certainly let him get on with it, cooperate and take sensible steps to protect you and yours. However, you don't sound as though you want to divorce and so if he wants one, I would let him do any leg work for that. I have seen posters on this forum file for D in the grip of high emotion and then wonder if it was the right thing to do and some change their minds.
Yes, he does want his new life for now and has abandoned his family - all of which is hard to bear I know (((((hugs))))). However, that is absolutely to be expected from most MLCers. What is also to be expected is that the R with AP may ultimately crumble and he may have regrets at not really gaining anything much and losing a great deal. However, those regrets may not appear for a good while yet.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Well I'll go to my appointment and see what they say. It's already paid for. Then see if I qualify for legal aid and get my money back. Probably won't but I'll go with that for now. I just can't believe he is doing this. The whole thing is madness. Our marriage was not awful. What has he gained ..... Why can't he see how much he is losing. I imagine all he remembers is how awful I am...that's the only explanation.
Mia, You can't trust the MLCer to be fair when it comes to divorce and settlement of finances. It's all about control and wanting every little penny they can get. They don't care if you have enough to live on and some of them have to be taken back to court repeatedly for not supporting their children.
In my case, when it came to my home, even though I was paying the mortgage once he left, I was still obligated to give him half of the equity in the home because his name was on the mortgage...but because my loony tune was desperate, he only wanted 1/3 of the equity.
As for the credit cards, if they are in his name only, he's responsible for the debt, especially if he's charging up now. Joint cards, if you don't have a balance you can cancel them pretty much like today. If you have a balance and you want your name removed from them or just make sure he can't charge any more on them (I was told this little trick by a Master Card rep), call them up and advise them you've misplaced your card and you want the balanced moved to a new account number and have those cards sent to you. Don't give him the new card w/the new account number on it. If your lawyer asks why you did this, advise him that you do not want any additional charges on that card made by your h. When it comes to good credit, if your h doesn't pay the joint account bill, your credit standing will be affected because of the late payments. Credit card companies do not care if you are divorced or separated when it comes to joint accounts...they just want they money.
Have you recently done a credit report? If not do one today!
I agree w/Sotto, I would use your mediation appointment to find out what you can or can't do so that you are on top of your game.
When it comes to divorce and financials, you've got to treat it as a business gone south. Leave the emotions out of it because your h won't care what you receive in the final settlement. It's all about what he wants and can get away with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't have any joint credit cards with him just the mortgage. He's not being fair at all.
How can I be sure this is a crisis and not just he got sick of me and found someone else. Yes it's out of character, yes he said the typical lines I don't love you I'm unhappy, yes he has moved in with ow very quickly. But is it Mlc or some other crisis or just the natural end of a long relationship
The thing for me is the valentines card he gave me...if he didn't love me anymore in May how could he have sent me the card in February. How could he be happy in August 2014 whilst on holiday but walk out on me less than a year later. The whole thing doesn't make sense.
Hi Mia, I guess many of us don't know for sure - MLC or natural end?? However his confusion, and lack of regard for feelings plus OW are trademarks for MLC.
If you think about it - if a mature and grounded guy truly wanted to end a R - he would be able to make a clear decision, handle the process kindly and fairly and wouldn't date until somewhat healed from the break up. That's not your H just now from what you post...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
No it's not...the way he's done things is just unbelievable. Even now he's texting all friendly about mediation. I think it may have thrown him that I had booked an appointment also. Hope so
I can remember feeling that way too Mia. My H told others (who told me) that our R was over whilst telling me he was confused and didn't know what he wanted. I was devastated and couldn't believe our 11 year R could end that way. The more I have been here on the forum and the more I have read, I have come to see that so many WAS/MLCers behave in similar ways. I feel far less affected by things that H does now and I accept that this kind of behaviour happens - particularly during the (usually lengthy) phase of replay.
AJM once posted that if you can see some of his stuff as things that he is trying to do 'for' himself - rather than things he is doing 'to' you - that will help. Because this is all about him right now.
Do take care and try to keep any interactions minimal and civil whilst you are feeling raw.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As Sotto pointed out, look at his behaviors and not at what he's doing to you. Weed out the emotional stuff and truly look at him as a person...is he confused? Are the things he's doing normal for the person that was living w/you? Is he in a rush to divorce and/or get his hands on money? If you say yes to at least one of these questions...then it very well could be mlc.
As for him being all nice now about mediation...don't be fooled that just because you've set up an appointment he's trying to be nice. When they are usually nice, they are planning to screw you over or have already put the wheels in motion to do so. Be on your p's and q's w/this guy.
BTW, the word "fair" is not in their vocabulary right now. It's all about them to heck w/you and the children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mia, I know that I've mentioned this to you several times, but if you read up on MLC, you will see that your h is doing a lot of what is described in the MLC information. Your postings about your H do hit on MLC.
As Sotto pointed out, if he was a rational person wanting a divorce, the two of you could have work things out in a more normal, civil fashion. You would have known if he was unhappy because we would have told you. Again, if he had been so unhappy w/life, he would have left many, many years ago and you would have been very much aware of that unhappiness.
Do a "google" search on MLC and you will discover that your h is right there on the Mother Ship w/the other pod people.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just had a long chat with an old mutual friend of ours. Even she says crisis, he's behaving appallingly. Absolutely no consideration towards me at all. It's like the man has been taken over by aliens. It's hard to know whether it's the actions of a man just having an affair or one of Mlc so maybe I should just accept he is in crisis and he has gone. I hope one day he regrets this just to demonstrate that he still has some concience and a sole
Whether he is in crisis or just someone who walked away to have an affair, you would use the same techniques that we suggest here, i.e., leave him alone, focus on you and your family and protect your assets/financials. There's nothing you can do to change his course in life right now...he has to that.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mmmmm. He's just texted me again, after spending the morning trying to convince me to go with his mediator he's now texted saying he already as mediation in progress regarding child access so who am I going with and what have I booked for. I am guessing he is probably panicking it's about money. Although how he thinks he has got mediation in progress regarding child access when I haven't spoken to them is beyond me
I've now politely asked him to stop texting me about this. That this was an opportunity for me to talk to someone about things and I would let him know when I knew what was discussed.
Sorry for sounding so pathetic and go on about every conversation/ interaction but at the mo I suppose I am about as selfish as my h.....but for different motives. Just want to make sure I'm making the right decisions for me and the kids.
Hi Mia, please don't apologise - we've all been there and I can remember the panic and distress of soon after BD. That will pass, and it does take a little while, but we all seem to get there in our own ways.
In terms of what is best for you and your kids, I don't think you can go too far wrong if you're guided by these principles:
Become knowledgeable about the MLC process - understand what to expect
Work towards detachment (by GAL) and focus on you and the kids as much as you can
Protect you and yours financially and don't trust a MLCer to do the right thing by you all
Remain in touch on a 'civil, neighbourly' basis only and stick to business matters
Pave the way - avoid doing things that could drive him away forever - begging, pleading, poisoning kids, smacking his AP, slashing his tyres etc..
Step back and let him get on with the A, which needs to run it's course
Look after yourself, build your own resilience and recognise this is a long, rocky road
Work towards calmness, peace and patience within yourself - whatever he may be doing
I'm sure there's more, but if you can audit your approach in line with these guiding principles, perhaps that may help?
Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Sotho, and thank you for telling that I'm not bothering everyone. This forum is my sanity lifeline at the mo am afraid. After my polite text he sent me a long one saying that I had to attend this or it would go to court. I politely just texted back I'm aware of the process.
He's nice when he wants to be and then kicks off when I don't do what he wants. I don't want this to go to court but then I didn't start this process....he did . I won't let myself be bullied or my children's home and security be put in jeopardy by his selfish actions.
If he can't afford to pay and has to live in a studio flat I don't care. He has done this to us, to me and the kids. As I keep saying love me or not......h didn't think this through when he 'decided' not to love me anymore
Mia, You aren't bothering anyone and that's what the forum is for, i.e., blogging, venting, asking questions.
No, none of them think through what they are about to embark on. All they see is freedom and freedom is just another word for nothing left to do. They don't think about the consequences of their actions.
Take care of your kids and yourself. Leave him to twirl in the wind.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Got another text demanding that I turn up to his mediation as otherwise it would go to court and trying to get me to tell him what I was going to cover in my mediation. Had to politely tell him to stop texting me. Which resulted in again him demanding I turn up and saying he was covering child access only 'so far'. Keep thinking have I been unreasonable over access and I know I haven't
Ok have done something bad that has gotten me depressed. Read a forum where everyone trashes any chances of reconciliation. I do wonder why I want to when he's behaved/ behaving so badly.
Yes, I've heard of it and the description that ciluzen provided describes it to a tee. It will take a while for that infatuation to burn out and it needs to die a natural death.
I agree 1000000000% with this, if it doesn't die a natural death it will last MUCH MUCH MUCH longer.......
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I can see that you are looking everywhere for answers in hope that people do reconcile despite an A, I was just like you. It's pulling you further down in your rabbit hole. Have you tried to research mindfulness? I have started it and it's good. Also I went on Google and looked for 365 happy quotes and I read one of then everyday and I feel better.
I know it's hard to shift the focus to something else than our situation but if you can do it even for just 4 minutes, you'd have started the healing & detachment process.
Ok have done something bad that has gotten me depressed. Read a forum where everyone trashes any chances of reconciliation. I do wonder why I want to when he's behaved/ behaving so badly.
You want to stop the pain, you still remember the good times & the "normal" H you used to have.
Take it from someone who has been in your shoes 1. It needs to fizzle out on its own 2. Even if he comes back it doesn't mean everything is all better 3. I've felt more pain AFTER my H "woke up" than during the dark times. That's because I finally let myself feel things instead of DB'ing and detaching.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thanks twinmom , I just can't get past what he's done. I can't bare the fact that he doesn't love me after all this time and after all we've been through together.
I can't bare the look on his face when he's in front of when he picks the kids up. Yesterday I looked at him and thought he looked completely guilt ridden and old. Did it make me feel better...no I just spent the whole evening crying to a friend.
This pain I feel is unbearable and am seriously worried how it's affecting me. All I go back to is what did I do ( I know you are going to have. Go here job but sorry) . How could I have let my marriage fall apart and make it vulnerable to this. Why didn't I jump his bones more often, organise romantic dinners for just us. Why did I get so involved in work and the kids. Because I never in my wildest dreams thought he would ever do this. I took it all for granted and that is my doing.
Hi Mia, I saw an IC for a while in the early stages as there is a lot to process and the main thing is to get through it with your health intact. Perhaps this might be a helpful thing to consider if you haven't already - either through your GP, EAP at work or via Relate?
I understand your mind whirring and I'm sure we've all been there. It will change and settle in time truly xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I think I need to expand my story . Please don't think this sounds self pitying but I was talking to a counsellor this morning it all came out and I have an idea why I can't get over this.
13 years ago h and I had a daughter who unfortunately died. I was devastated. It was completely unexpected. I never had any counselling over it but had my s a year later. His birth was traumatic and I had severe pnd after for about 18 months. Again never saw anyone about it.
After our 2 nod son was born, a couple of years later I got pregnant again accidentally. I had to have a termination. But it didn't work so I had a very traumatic experience their. After everything we had been through I thought nothing could break us, in fact brought us closer and it did for 19 and a half years. So now he has left after all that...I feel bereft. Another thing I have to get over but this time on my own.
I think about what would have been our daughters birthday and we can't share it now. We can't talk about the dodgy music I picked for the funeral....how we went to McDonald's afterwards. We can't share the lead ups to the births of our children. We have been through so much...and I'm sure others have too...but I think because I never dealt with these traumas it has all come to a head and everything is piling up.
Hi Mia, I'm sorry for your loss - that must have been a hard time. And, as you say some of what is coming up for you now could well be linked to previous difficult times. I always think that we can't really blame our MLCer for the impact of their behaviour - because our response (actions and emotions) are ours to own. The 'joy' (dubious I know) of these difficult times is that they do tend to spur us on to growth, which can lead to a peace and wholeness that we haven't known or felt before.
I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor and I hope you find that helpful. Take care and hope today has been a better one xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Dear Mia, I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally agree with Sotto with the fact that such events are there to make us grow. I know it very ironically. I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor.
Thanks, and he does it again. His brother and wife are going tomorrow. His mum said its to see the kids...and that they don't condone what he's done ...but still hurts...h is trying to normalise everything
I understand. When my SIL left her H for OM everyone in her family (including H) hated him and didn't want to have nothing to do with him but guess what they still talked to him, went to their house and me SIL wasn't even divorced yet! Unfortunately blood is thicker than anything and it's his brother no matter what. Keep strong and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith.
I have had an awful morning. Just cried and cried. I can't help lose my temper with him. When I phoned the kids last night I spoke to h and hot really annoyed at him for having his brother round. Walked right into his hands as it were. The result an arsey text telling me to stop shouting at him as it made talking to me intolerable. After everything he has done and me shouting at him is what makes talking difficult!! I am at a loss at how to move on.
Hi Mia, I'm sorry to hear about your exchange with your H and that you've had a bad morning.
You're saying you can't help but lose your temper with him after everything he has done and that has a ring of 'I couldn't help but' and 'he made me' and 'I had to' etc.
These are things to watch out for and I would separate 'what he is doing' with your response. What he is doing is 'his part' how you respond is 'your part.'
What you are doing is getting angry (which is understandable given all circumstances) however you are then blaming him for your response 'I can't help but....given what he has done.'
Try to accept and control the bits that you can control only. You don't get to control what he does and who he has to visit. Unless you park yourself on his front step with an army of heavies, he will invite round whomever for tea. The bit you do get to control is your response to his behaviour. And acceptance and control are big themes to think about in DBing.
As you say, what you have done is played right into his hands. You have let yourself be goaded into showing him anger. This actually helps him justify the present situation - I left my W because talking to her is intolerable - she shouts at me. He is able to represent you as a bit crazy and unreasonable.
Of course you will feel angry and rightly so - but it is best to release it in other ways - beat some pillows on the bed with a rolled up newspaper, primal scream in the car, work outs. Anger is just energy that needs to be released in some way.
However, try not to do things that drive him away when actually you want to draw him closer. Ultimately, you want a shift in dynamics where OW is the crazy, unreasonable one, and your inner peace and warmth draw him (or some lucky future partner) towards you. What you may want to do is Send him a brief apology for shouting at him and then put the episode behind you. As you grow more, accept what you can't control, and manage your own anger, you'll be able to respond to him differently.
Take care, and I hope your day improves and you have a better weekend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes he probably is infatuated just now - does that mean he will ever come back? Who knows? Sweetie, you don't get to 'make him' do anything - you only get to plough your own furrow. However, you can stop doing things that may push him further away.
If you apologise, don't add the whole - but I just want you to....Only apologise for your part. You don't get to control his part and if his bro wants to go for dinner, given all circumstances, that's up to him. I'm not saying that's right, just that it 'is' and the more you try to control and you react, the worse it makes things.
Maybe read some more about reacting versus responding. Responding is the point you want to get to here. Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks. He's not coming back. He's completely infatuated with ow. He's introducing her to his family for goodness sake. I've lost him.
However should I just briefly text him sorry u feel I shouted, just wish us consider my feelings when u do things with kids?
Life is full of twists and turns.... my H introduced OW to our twins & his family and moved in with her within three weeks of starting the affair. He was head over heels in "love", soul mate & literally replaced me with her in every aspect of his life.... 2yrs later he has been able to open up to me & tell me that he wasn't thinking. Like literally wasn't using his brain to make decisions. It's hard and it hurts like he!! but try to let this affair fizzle out & go on with your life while it does.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hi twinmom did y and ur h get back together. I have had a bad couple of days. H has blocked me from Facebook which hurt. Really don't know why he has done that.....not that I posted anything on his wall or anything. Doesn't realise though if I wanted to I could still see his wall on our sons account. Ridiculous.
Think he's really angry at me for sorting out my separate mediation.
Hi twinmom did y and ur h get back together. I have had a bad couple of days. H has blocked me from Facebook which hurt. Really don't know why he has done that.....not that I posted anything on his wall or anything. Doesn't realise though if I wanted to I could still see his wall on our sons account. Ridiculous.
Think he's really angry at me for sorting out my separate mediation.
Are we still married? Yes Does he regret everything? Yes Does he 'love me"? Yes
Do I love him? I don't really know Do I want a divorce? Most days yes Can I forgive everything that happened? I don't think so
Don't look at his FB or OW's, I had a VERY hard time with this kind of stuff. It is easier said than done but honestly it only hurts you. Have you considered going dark? It might be worthwhile to help you detach. I had a hard time taking the advice I was given here and wish I had done so many things differently. I was pregnant, emotional & trying to raise 4 kids on my own.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hi twinmom did y and ur h get back together. I have had a bad couple of days. H has blocked me from Facebook which hurt. Really don't know why he has done that.....not that I posted anything on his wall or anything. Doesn't realise though if I wanted to I could still see his wall on our sons account. Ridiculous.
Think he's really angry at me for sorting out my separate mediation.
I've been blocked from Ws FB for about 4-5 years... Looking back it started about the time MLC started. Why do they do it?? Well they are teens, need that door locked so they can do what they want without mommy/daddy finding out and judging.... MLCrs HATE pressure and judgement.
You can not control what they do, there comes a time you will not worry about FB as you figure out the detachment... Something I was horrible with to be candid and honest.
Are you looking for someone's threads or you want to post someone's link ?
I would like to share my information with you, first what JOB and SOTTO mentioned are so true !!! Midlife crisis is not about you, it is about your husband. We might made some mistakes of our marriage, but who doesn't when it comes to relationship ? Please don't take it personally, please don't buy the words your husband said, they are in deep black tunnel, he can't see the light, he is in great pain... I know I know, you feels the pain greater than him.
I'm 20 months post bombed, I'm standing for marriage now. My husband moved out of our apartment last May. He bombed me with the classic lines - I love you but I am not in love with you. There was emotional affair as prelude of his confusion and then he had physical affair with a very young woman... money spending, angry spewing, drinking, outfit changing, he throw his wedding band to me and said - I don't know how I'm going to do with our marriage.
It started 18-24 months before bomb dropped the time my grandma passed away, he entered into his crisis, he became cold and distant gradually. He doesn't care about me nor the family. I ask him constantly "what's wrong" he kept saying - nothing's wrong. I just had the feeling that our relationship is not the same anymore.
One thing I need to point out; I will give you link of Job's posts later; please note that those who have midlife crisis had terrible childhood or family issue. It is so true. Through these 20 months, I learned that my husband had very miserable childhood. His mother is handicapped woman, his father abandoned them for years. His father had affairs also. It is an emotional polluted family. My husband told me, ever since he had memory, his parents were fighting to each other and threatening for divorcing in front of the children all the time.
Could you picture the trauma a young boy had? They can not feel the love from parents, they pretended they felt nothing, they went numb to avoid those emotions that could not be handled at young age. Once I learned this, I have compassion towards him although he said so much mean things to me in past 20 months, not to mention he pushes me for divorce every month.
He even told me that he had a really great time when he got alone with OW. He said the OW is so easy going (LOL)
I try not to 'bother' him, just leave him there, it is really difficult, I have to say. I got weak sometimes... give your husband to God, right now, we can do nothing to help him but everything to protect yourself and your kids.
Oh, for your information, he had his saving spent in 12 months. Fortunately, I have a job, I have my own money.
I want to give you a hug, I know how hard it is, please take good care of yourself and get a life, do something for yourself !
H : 40 Me : 42 kids : 0 Married 9 years BD/verified ow : Sep. 2014 Moved out : June 2015 he enjoy hanging with young people he had hair style(outfit) changed he had all his money spent he drank a lot (he never like alcohol before) he blames me for EVERYTHING he had multiple affairs he came from an emotional polluted family, parents fought all the time. he told me he felt something wasn't right when my grandma died 2012 spring.
Am just so tired of this. The ow isn't even all that but he looks so happy in the pics. Just can not understand how the man I married could walk away from his own children and think it's ok to live with another mans child.
I look back over the last year and the whole thing is bizarre
Yeah I have read this before. His parents did have a nasty divorce. His mum walked out with the 2 younger children. H stayed with his dad and his dad moved in his secretary ( now wife) and her son the next day.
H has always had issues about people walking away from him ( because his mother did) and as I have mentioned before there was the issue of his father not talking to him for, then, 11 years , and him seeing him again at the funeral and his dad rejecting him. Could be his really be what's causing this.
If so there will be no resolution with his dad as I know that his dad has told h brother that he won't make it up with him ever...so if I'm thinking he'll wake up when he makes up with his dad that is never going to happen.
I don't know...maybe he has found someone better. His sister says he is completely taken with ow. Maybe I was a crap wife. I definitely didn't give him as much intimacy as he probably wanted.
The things he has done have been despicable. I don't recognise him as the man I have known half my life .
Do understand your feeling, I had the same feeling for months after bomb dropped. He blamed me for everything(like I'm a crap wife too) and I soon found the young woman he had emotion affair and an even younger woman he had physical relationship.
You see that ? the other women are band-aid as Job and Sotto said. I know, even they are band-aid or his crutch, we spouses got hurt. We need to heal and start our journey. You are great woman, you took good care of yourself and your kids !!
I had the exact same feeling as you did - this is not the man I married ! We've been together for 13 years and now I have problem in recognizing him as the one I know for so long. The man in midlife crisis is the the opposite mirror one. The love he had for you is not gone but buried so deep(learned from posts of Hearts Blessing) And he is in dark tunnel, he can not see a thing and he has to work things out by himself. There is nothing we could do to help them.
I live by myself and start to do things for myself. Don't lose faith, you keep reading from this forum, there are many who made it and have marriage restored !
Mia, please do take good care, try not to worry about him that much, God has his way in fixing this man.
