And he goes on and on...leave me alone

[Sotto]

Hi Mia, I'm sorry for your loss - that must have been a hard time. And, as you say some of what is coming up for you now could well be linked to previous difficult times. I always think that we can't really blame our MLCer for the impact of their behaviour - because our response (actions and emotions) are ours to own. The 'joy' (dubious I know) of these difficult times is that they do tend to spur us on to growth, which can lead to a peace and wholeness that we haven't known or felt before.

I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor and I hope you find that helpful. Take care and hope today has been a better one xx

[Rouky]

Dear Mia, I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally agree with Sotto with the fact that such events are there to make us grow. I know it very ironically. I'm glad you are seeing a counsellor.

Take care of yourself.

[Mia2003]

Thanks, and he does it again. His brother and wife are going tomorrow. His mum said its to see the kids...and that they don't condone what he's done ...but still hurts...h is trying to normalise everything

[Rouky]

I understand. When my SIL left her H for OM everyone in her family (including H) hated him and didn't want to have nothing to do with him but guess what they still talked to him, went to their house and me SIL wasn't even divorced yet!
Unfortunately blood is thicker than anything and it's his brother no matter what. Keep strong and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Have faith.

[Mia2003]

I have had an awful morning. Just cried and cried. I can't help lose my temper with him. When I phoned the kids last night I spoke to h and hot really annoyed at him for having his brother round. Walked right into his hands as it were. The result an arsey text telling me to stop shouting at him as it made talking to me intolerable. After everything he has done and me shouting at him is what makes talking difficult!! I am at a loss at how to move on.

[Sotto]

Hi Mia, I'm sorry to hear about your exchange with your H and that you've had a bad morning.

You're saying you can't help but lose your temper with him after everything he has done and that has a ring of 'I couldn't help but' and 'he made me' and 'I had to' etc.

These are things to watch out for and I would separate 'what he is doing' with your response. What he is doing is 'his part' how you respond is 'your part.'

What you are doing is getting angry (which is understandable given all circumstances) however you are then blaming him for your response 'I can't help but....given what he has done.'

Try to accept and control the bits that you can control only. You don't get to control what he does and who he has to visit. Unless you park yourself on his front step with an army of heavies, he will invite round whomever for tea. The bit you do get to control is your response to his behaviour. And acceptance and control are big themes to think about in DBing.

As you say, what you have done is played right into his hands. You have let yourself be goaded into showing him anger. This actually helps him justify the present situation - I left my W because talking to her is intolerable - she shouts at me. He is able to represent you as a bit crazy and unreasonable.

Of course you will feel angry and rightly so - but it is best to release it in other ways - beat some pillows on the bed with a rolled up newspaper, primal scream in the car, work outs. Anger is just energy that needs to be released in some way.

However, try not to do things that drive him away when actually you want to draw him closer. Ultimately, you want a shift in dynamics where OW is the crazy, unreasonable one, and your inner peace and warmth draw him (or some lucky future partner) towards you. What you may want to do is Send him a brief apology for shouting at him and then put the episode behind you. As you grow more, accept what you can't control, and manage your own anger, you'll be able to respond to him differently.

Take care, and I hope your day improves and you have a better weekend xx

[Mia2003]

Thanks. He's not coming back. He's completely infatuated with ow. He's introducing her to his family for goodness sake. I've lost him.

However should I just briefly text him sorry u feel I shouted, just wish us consider my feelings when u do things with kids?

[Mia2003]

How can I bring him closer....how can I make him realise ....don't know if there's any point anymore

[Sotto]

Yes he probably is infatuated just now - does that mean he will ever come back? Who knows? Sweetie, you don't get to 'make him' do anything - you only get to plough your own furrow. However, you can stop doing things that may push him further away.

If you apologise, don't add the whole - but I just want you to....Only apologise for your part. You don't get to control his part and if his bro wants to go for dinner, given all circumstances, that's up to him. I'm not saying that's right, just that it 'is' and the more you try to control and you react, the worse it makes things.

Maybe read some more about reacting versus responding. Responding is the point you want to get to here. Take care xx

[twinmom]

Thanks. He's not coming back. He's completely infatuated with ow. He's introducing her to his family for goodness sake. I've lost him.

However should I just briefly text him sorry u feel I shouted, just wish us consider my feelings when u do things with kids?

Life is full of twists and turns.... my H introduced OW to our twins & his family and moved in with her within three weeks of starting the affair. He was head over heels in "love", soul mate & literally replaced me with her in every aspect of his life....
2yrs later he has been able to open up to me & tell me that he wasn't thinking. Like literally wasn't using his brain to make decisions.
It's hard and it hurts like he!! but try to let this affair fizzle out & go on with your life while it does.