Sparkling none the wiser

[Jb9140]

Sorry you're having a rough morning. I'm starting to understand the expectations part of this situation. I believe you truly have to lower your expectations all the way to the floor. This gives you less a chance of tripping over them. Keep your head up

[Phoebe]

Some days are awful, and then others are better. Some days we feel hopeful and others... less so.

All I really know is that we need to do everything we can to take care of ourselves, because no matter what, the only person that will definitely be with us, every single day, for the rest of our lives is ourselves.

I'm sorry you're in one of the crummy stretches. Hang in there, Doctor Sparkls. : )

[Sparkls]

Well I had to respond. And the conversation quickly turned south.
Basically he asked when in the next week he could get his things. I said I was on vacation for at least the next two weeks. He told me he's leaving on the 15th and needs his stuff by then, is there a key or someone who can let him in the house. I said no. He got pissy, asking well then can I mail him a key? I said I wasn't comfortable with that and that if need be he can make a list of whats important and I can maybe ship it. He starts listing furniture and all this other stuff that there's no way can be shipped. Then says " you knew I was leaving soon, why didn't you tell me about this vacation."
My response was to just say I'm sorry our schedules didn't line up. I will be back around the 18th. Let me know what you would like to do.
He then asked about utilities (some are still in his name but I pay them all). He said he would like them out of his name and I said I would do it when I Got time. And his response was "It doesn't have to be right now. You are on vacation, after all."

I didn't respond to that one.

The whole thing just is kicking me when I'm down.
I've alreayd been struggling with all these feelings of hopelessness and this is just the cherry on top.
I'm sure it's over. Nothing I do anymore matters. I've actually DBed pretty well over the last 2 months (even though inside my head has been a hot mess). And it hasn't helped the situation. He's colder than before, more mean.
I don't even know what I do anymore.
For those who actually take the time to read these, thank you. But give it to me straight, is there any hope?

[TimR]

Sparkls IDK if there is any hope. Hope for what is the question, Hope for happiness? There is no doubt you will find happiness. Hope that your happiness will come from WH? Your happiness must come from you, it cannot be reliant on someone else. Hope you will marry, more likely than not you will. Will it be WH, IDK. Please go out and do things that make you happy. I [censored] right now, but the longer and tighter you hold that rope the more it will hurt. He will either realize what he left behind or he won't... But you will be just fine.

[daybyday]

You will be happy Sparkls but not with him, at this time. JMHO. You will be doing yourself a disservice emotionally to invest any more time in H. I know it's hard to accept but I think you know deep down its true. You have done all that you could to save it. He is blind to it.

I too am kind of at a crossroads as I don't intend to continue this S with no MC. There is too much life to live for all of us to be mired in limbo with little hope. Why should we accept that?

[iwad]

Sparkls, it seems that most people on these boards see success with DB after a much longer period of time.

I don't think anyone here wants to offer false hope, but IMHO I don't think you will see ANY change until he has moved and started his "new life". Only once you are dark, out of the picture, and he realizes that the the grass is not greener will you see any shift in him.

I think you need to try to help him on his way. You need to diffuse his agitation with contentedness. If he is angry then it is because he still has some feelings towards you.

He wants his stuff, put a smile on your face and say certainly! I will help you as soon as I get back and make sure you can come get all of your things. Then DON'T respond. You gave him an answer and now you ignore him. Call him when you get back from your vacation and say I am home, how can I help you?

Again, not a vet by any means, but it seems like you really need to let him go if you ever want him to come back.

[Sparkls]

Thanks all.
I had a dream last night where he called OW "My girl" and I punched him in the face and broke his nose :-p good times.

Today, I took my pups for a 2.5hr long walk and at the end am very "f*ck him. I deserve so much better than this." f
It's an up on the rollercoaster. I can't even remember what makes him so great that I would go through this to be with him. I'm fighting because of my sense of commitment not because he was so amazing, but he was mine. And given that he's clearly chosen OW, I don't know why I'm fighting for someone who won't fight for me.

I'm sure it'll change. Him getting his things is going to suck but its gotta be done. He can be pissy if he wants. My life doesn't revolve around his scheduled departure. It's very squarely a him problem.

I hope this feeling lasts for a while. Its so much better than the grief.

[TimR]

I hope your feelings stay the same for awhile too, Sprakls. You really do need a break from the grief you have been living. It is funny that you mention about not being able to think of what was so great about him that you were fighting for. This is the same thing I started focusing on which caused my change of heart. One random day with nothing going on I came home and was preparing dinner. The house was completely silent and the dogs were doing what the dogs do and that is following me from room to room. As I sat to eat I started thinking, wait I am not getting yelled at or demeaned at all. Then started thinking what the last 3 yrs was like... I started thinking especially about the last year, how I was depressed and ashamed my WW would never sleep with me, how when she came home I would remain quiet until I could gage what her mood was, how I cringed when she was in a bad mood which she often was. That thought quickly lead to is that what I want to go back to?? The answer of course was no.

I cannot say my sitch is the same as yours but I think you may be realizing you are not giving up because you do not want to 'lose.' I think I was a little that way too. Whatever you are doing though keep doing it. You DO deserve happiness and if he is a fool not to give it to you, someone will!

[GWH]

Glad to hear your having a better day, and your right you do deserve better. Take care of number one Sparkls. As far as hope goes there is always hope. No one can predict the future.

[Sparkls]

Guess I'll give a quick update:
I've had a great few days. Really feeling detached from it all, nothing thinking of H or whatever bullsh*t he's doing. It's been lovely. I'm excited to start my future, I've got a lot of big changes coming.

That said, after our last "talk" about him getting his things, he must've been p*ssed off or something because he finally defriended me on FB. I allowed myself an hour or so to be bummed but I'm moving on. I"m annoyed with myself that there's a part of me that still hopes he'll wake up and come back, but I'm not obsessed with it. Its likely due to a mix of really starting to detach and also just fully realizing that it's over and believing he's really not going to come back. After he gets his things, there will be nothing tying us together. No reason for him to ever talk to me again. I guess I'm bummed its so easy for him to walk away from 8 years together.

But that's what I've got to do now. Walk away, hold my head up high, and make my dreams come true. Seems he's officially in my past and not my future.