Sparkling none the wiser

[Sparkls]

Previous thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...t=10&page=1
Quick recap for those just tuning in:
Together: 8 years. Known him for 10.
Noticed he was withdrawing sometime in December.
Got a speech about how he wasnt sure he wanted to be with me and was going to tell me when I moved for residency that he wasn't coming with me.
Found out a few days later about OW via an instagram post on his phone. Confronted him, he admitted to it freely. Waffled for a day or so saying he didn't know if he wanted to be with me. Said "when I"m with you, I want to be alone and when I'm alone I want to be with her." I left to stay with friends for a few days, found out he immediately hate OW over to my home. I kicked him out on valentines day. We've essentially been no contact except for him picking up more of his things.

So where am I now:
Well, I got a text from him this AM saying he got a call from our vet to confirm an appointment I have tomorrow with all 4 of my pups.
I didn't respond to it.
For whatever reason, I'm feeling very "done" today. Between him not being there for match day (the single most important day of med school), me going out with friends and remembering what its like to be single and the prospect of having to plan the next 6 years of my life by myself, I just don't see a way back from this. The best way I can describe it is just apathy about everything. At least apathy is better than overwhelming fear, but that'll probably come back at some point. But if I were a betting man, I don't think he's coming back. And I guess maybe I'm getting more Ok with that. I don't really have a choice in the matter.

I'm not sure if this is the beginning of detaching or more a state of learned helplessness but I haven't been crying. I haven't been obsessing over what to text him. I haven't been wondering what he's doing.
The only thing I noticed is that it is interesting that almost like clock work, once a week on the weekend, I get some text about something "business" related. So despite being essentially no contact, I haven't actually gone more than a week without some text from him.

This next week, I have some stuff to do related to my research project and I have a big project due that I havne't been working on all that much. Thursday is my last day of class in med school as I'm on vacation next month. I'm going to try and head home for a much needed escape, just have to see where my reseach project is sitting after Thursday.
And I'll have to make a trip to MI to house hunt, gotta get my realtor here in the loop.
The ball keeps rolling...

[Thornton]

Great job, Sparks.

You are getting stronger by the day.

[Sparkls]

Yeah I got a message from a mutual friend who was playing games with him and could hear OW in the background talking about his days off and blah blah.
And really, I'm just disgusted by the whole thing.
Today at least, it feels a lot like what I imagined feeling "done" would feel like.
Of course, my emotions change on a daily basis. But hearing about him being all happy with OW didn't send me into a tear fit. Instead, my reaction was "she can have him."
If he's going to cheat on me after 8 years when the majority of the relationship was "open." then the chances of him being faithful to anyone is basically none. And, and this is the petty part of me, she deserves to have him do that to her.

[Sparkls]

Took the pups to the vet and had them remove him as a contact and authorized parent.
Changed all of the pups last name to mine. They're officially only my dogs.
Got word from a mutual friend last night that OW is still all over him .

Still feeling very done this morning. I don't know if it's more detachment or reaching the point where I don't even want him back. Just looking at what he'd have to do to make me ever be comfortable that he isn't going to do this again, I'm not sure he's capable of that. And he certainly isn't willing right now.
So onward I go. At least now I won't have to get texts from him about the dogs. If he wants to contact me, he'll have to find other excuses.

[GWH]

Wow Sparkls good job.

[daybyday]

Good for you. Onward and upward for sure.

[TimR]

Great job Sparkls, Just remember you are still on the rollercoaster. So prepare yourself for some more ups and downs. However, having said that, it is good to see how much stronger you are becoming!

My IC keeps saying this to me and I think it fits you and what you are feeling and processing. "Any healthy organism will move away from pain." I believe what he is trying to tell me is that, I cannot hold on forever and as I recover, I will find myself letting the rope slide through my hands.

I hope you are enjoying your day and getting out GALing.

[Sparkls]

Yeah i dunno. If he came home, I'd probably still give it a shot but I don't see that happening so I'm probably going into self protect mode. I can't fight for the R by myself. There's nothing I can really do anymore. He's off doing who knows what and wants nothing to do with me. So he can go do that and I'll do me.

[HopeRB]

My IC keeps saying this to me and I think it fits you and what you are feeling and processing. "Any healthy organism will move away from pain." I believe what he is trying to tell me is that, I cannot hold on forever and as I recover, I will find myself letting the rope slide through my hands

I think that's exactly what happens Tim, b/c that's what I think is happening to me. It's not so much a swift drop as it is just loosening more and more. I mean it may be a swift drop, I go back and forth.

I've been hearing alot about "self-preservation mode" this weekend and I think that's what I'm going into right now also, Spark. We can't fight for the R by ourselves but we can try to do what we can until we honestly cant do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I can't do anymore, and then I can. It is a rollercoaster and I must keep reminding you that you're still so early in the process. It's been what, a month? I'm asking you as a friend to please just find it deep within yourself to be patient. Please use this time to reflect on how you can be better for yourself and your next R (with or without H). You are growing everyday Spark, I see it. I wouldn't give up just yet. You guys deserve the good ol' college try.

<3

[Sparkls]

Month and a half at this point. I don't even know what "college try" means at this point. I'll keep doing what I'm doing but he's not coming around, not talking to me, etc. seems pretty over from where I'm sitting. All is pretty cheese-less.

I hope all is well with you Hope &#10084;&#65039;