New to Site - Just found about another

[Zues126]

Coffee, one thing I think is important to understand is that all that really matters is actions, words are meaningless.

I've been a manager. With an engaged employee you don't have to do much to get the results you want. If they show up late they apologize. If you have to bring it up, they immediately take ownership and promise to fix the behavior. With a disengaged employee, however, it's totally different. They will minimize their issues, blame outside influences, point out how other people are late and they aren't held accountable, call it a stupid rule, there ought to be flex time, they get their job done anyway, they worked through lunch the other day, etc, etc, etc. My god, it makes you want to stab yourself in the leg. Point is Coffee, with those types of employees you can't just have a Mr. Beaver lecture about the importance of attendance, because they don't care what you say. The only option is to document what happened, give them disciplinary action, and then terminate if they don't change their behavior.

As a parent, it's nice to have a child that wants your approval, that wants to do well. If they get a bad grade they will apologize, fix it, and understand any punishment they get. But if a child is rebellious, if they are physically attacking you, breaking things, walking away and slamming the door to their bedroom and turning up their walkman (or whatever it is these days), trying to talk to them like Mr. Brady is just going to look pathetic. This is where you have to literally take the door off their bedroom because privacy is a privilege, throw away their walkman (or whatever), cancel their cell plan, and change your internet password so they can't be on social media.

Bottom line, if someone is openly rebellious words are WORSE than pointless, because they only show your reluctance to take action. Words say "I hope you change your behavior if I ask nicely because I am too much of a wimp to do anything about it".

But that's good news! If you're not very good about handling conflict, words would be difficult. I mean, if she starts talking back, attacking, etc, it might be hard to stick to your guns. But since words AREN'T important, she can back you off, get you to agree to things you don't agree to, and then later you can ACT according to your game plan anyway. If she says "I thought we agreed on this" you can say "I felt threatened and agreed to that out of duress, I am not ok with this, this is what I am going to do going forward..." Much better than saying something and not following through!

Here's the thing. You have to be willing to ACT.

As an employer you can't have an employee that you're afraid will quit, or they will run the show. That's why corporations go to great lengths to not depend too much on any one person.

As a parent you can't depend on your children to meet your emotional needs, either because you want to hang out like buddies, or because you need them to act lovingly towards you so you feel better about yourself. You have to be very detached.

So too with WW. I haven't read much. Just the fact that there was an OM is enough. To what degree, when, I don't care. If there's an OM and she's been disrespectful then she's a WW.

You don't need a big speech, you don't need to tell her how it's going to be. Just put the damn hammer down. ACT.

How to act? Easy. Let me ask you this: If you knew with 100% certainty that she was never going to recommit to the marriage, and that you would end up divorced...looking back from that man in the future, how would you like to see that you handled the situation? How long did you wait? Did you file and protect yourself or did you let a year go by and hope that she would come around? What did you need to do before you felt at peace with filing? My point is that whatever you do, do it because you feel it's appropriate for a man to do before terminating a marriage. And if you feel it's appropriate to terminate your marriage at this point then file with conviction.

[Zues126]

I just reread your sitch.

If you go out for an anniversary with a woman that has had an 8 year affair this situation is of your making as much as hers.

If you have a car worth $5500-$6000 and someone offers you $50 bucks for it, and YOU choose to sell it...are they a bad person for making the offer, or are you a sap for taking it?

She is offering you an open marriage based on disrespect, betrayal, and lies. You are accepting. And then you come here and complain to us 'where did my W go?' Where did YOU go???

Look. I do get it. You might be depressed, dependent, you think you're worthless and somehow you need this woman or this marriage to make your life livable. This is pretty obvious, because unless you felt this way you wouldn't accept this. I do get it, I have felt a lot of this myself in my life.

I would say you can't go on like this, but you can. You can live like this another 20 years if you want, assuming she doesn't punt you first in which case you'll have to pick up your emotional pieces at some point anyway, so you can live like this and just pray that she keeps giving you scraps so you don't have to grow up and take care of your emotional self.

I hope that's not what you choose to do. I hope you can take ownership for this situation and make the decision today to be the man you know you can be. That doesn't mean controlling her, or threatening her, in fact it has NOTHING to do with HER at all. It just means taking control over your life, accepting you can't control her, deciding what you want your life to look like based on the assumption that she'll continue to act the way she's acting, getting the emotional and legal support you need from an attorney, a therapist, and close friends/family that are 100% loyal to you and discreet, and then making it happen.

I did it. Didn't want to, but the alternative was unacceptable to me. You can read my thread if you'd like, from 6/2014 to 9/6/2014 was a total trip, I'll never be the same after that. But I am a different person than I was then, so feel free to see what I went through and did and follow my lead. I didn't save my M, but that has nothing to do with me, that was XW's choice. What's important is what I had control over.

[Cristy]

Hello Coffee,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Your wife is cake eating in a major way. She has the best of both worlds without any consequences. Sandi is right about her temperature checking the relationship. W wants to be sure you are still available as Plan B.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[coffee_]

Good advice Andrew.
She is gone for 5 days. She left yesterday and has had little contact since she left. This will be a good time to move my stuff into the extra bedroom and to think about how I am going make her feel the loss. She seems to be vacillating between me and the OM.
This [censored], I don't want a divorce and she told me yesterday she doesn't either.

[J5K]

Why would you move your stuff out? Isn't she the one that wants space?

Shouldn't she be the one moving her things to the extra bedroom? You can even help her.

[coffee_]

JimKao,
You are correct. But I have a high anxiety when in the MB anyways so I really don't care.

[coffee_]

I am sitting at my desk at work obsessing again. I was able to let it go this morning but my workload is low so I cannot concentrate on anything else. My WW has spent 5 days away from home on the road "for work" My 21st wedding anniversary is tomorrow. We are trying to figure out staying in the same house together again after about a month, we have been swithcing so my S13 can stay at home. I sent her an email with questions and concerns about us staying in the same house, she said she would call last night but as expected she never did. She emailed back and said she was staying in a different town and said that we have some things to discuss obviously. I believe she is activly engaging in an A. I approached her about that before she left on Business but she denied accordingly due to my approach. I am working on GAL but I cannot sleep, so exercise has diminished. I can only pretend that I am doing that. I have done a ton of reading on detaching, and am only about 50% doing it. She still engages me but not too much really.
Just ranting about my feelings today, no one else wants to hear about it. This is the hardest thing that I have had to endure, I know it will get better but hanging in the fringes a MR is just about the worse thing a person can go through.
Hope other people are having a better Monday!

[coffee_]

Zuess, I somehow missed your posts, thanks for this kick in the pants. I know what i need to do, just need to ACT like you say.
@christy I will call tomorrow to discuss. I need a coach.
Thank you all.

[coffee_]

Crazy how days can me so up and down, I need to make a choice and make it with conviction just like you said Zuess.
Yesterday was our 21st anniversary, we did not see each other totally [censored] and hurting quite a bit today.

[sandi2]

I thought you had left the board. Glad you decided to come back. Have you read everything in Cadet's first post?

Your WW has no worries about losing you. I don't think she worries about losing anything. You do not have to make it your mission to figure out what loss she must experience. What you need to do is set boundaries. If she dishonors your boundary, then you do some type of action that gives her the message that she crossed the line and that you will not tolerate it.

Do you have boundaries? Are you willing to compromise your values, integrity, spiritual beliefs, etc., just to stay under the same roof with her? Where do you draw the line?

Never tell a Wayward wife that you can be patient and wait for her to be open and truthful about her activities. Maybe you've learned not to take that route.

She is the unfaithful spouse. She has cheated for maybe ten years, that you know. If this has been the same man all these years.....it is going to take you being extra strong and applying tough love. She has gotten away doing anything she wants and not having to be accountable. What will be different this time, Coffee? It all depends on you.