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coffee_ Offline OP
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Got it, I will stick with this thread.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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I will take your advice about moving SLOWLY


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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Okay first real contact today, she texted and asked how my day has been. My response was "Going good, how is yours" Baby steps for detaching? I am done trying to pressure her into talking about this, after reading the threads and dusting myself off, it is liberating to know that I can just move on with our without her.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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This is all so new to me, I usually never have to think about my every move, guess I should have.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,098
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GAL is tricky to get started...but worth it.

I was super hesitant to start moving my feet. I was a homebody, was afraid to disappoint my family / kids by missing out on their stuff, was not all that motivated to meet new people, wanted to save money (you see where this is going, I made tons of excuses to not go out and do). It was inertia and fear working against me.

In the last year alone I've ramped up my GAL to the point where I should have been all along, ENJOYING MY EXISTANCE on this this earth.

Some things that I've done, just in the last year:

Guitar Lessons for nearly 6 months, I use You-Tube now.

Swimming to get back into shape

Total gym visits 3/week for weights or cardio.

Coach 2 soccer teams last spring, one this past fall and this spring.

Gone to the shooting range 4 times (planning on 1/month with a few friends moving forward).

Joined a Roller Derby Team

Taking figure skating lessons (into level) to learn how to skate better

I have joined two new gaming groups (up to three now, usually once a month groups)

Went Kayaking bunch of times

Help with school sons activities & field trips

went fishing more in last year than the 10 previous combined including ice fishing, kayak fishing, river fishing and shore fishing.

Concerts at theaters / live music / dancing at local places

Got involved with school district on facility committee for building upgrade process

Have been to 9 different breweries in four different states

There was a ton of 1-off stuff too, like racquetball, rock climbing, paint nights, Book Club, writing seminar, country line dancing, fan boat tour through the glades...whatever I could think of that I've never done...that I wanted to do...I just said Eff-It and did it (I know there was more stuff, you get the point).

This sort of thing will get you more socially active, healthier, happier, more exciting, interesting AND MORE ATTRACTIVE.

Like I said, it took a really concerted effort to get my feet moving, but holy-hell once I did...I've not had as much fun by myself, with my kids or with my wife since we were kids.

It is something you CAN DO and it only takes a single step forward to get started...we have faith in you!!!


M - 40's
W - 30's
Two Sons
Living together
Joined: Feb 2016
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
I am guessing that this GAL thing takes some pretty serious practice. Right now, all I can think of is what "used to be" and that it really wasn't that at all. She has been hurting me like this many times. My heart jumps when the phone rings, buzzes, or a new email comes in. I have been married 20 years and this is all I know as life...[censored] man. I messed up as I suppose many people do and did the puppy dog thing, the needing to talk it out, my emotions are on a roller coaster, up and down. Thinking I need to know the whole truth, how many guys, with who, how extensive, is there still an A going on? So today is the first day of my GAL and go dark practice. It will be hard like I said, I know nothing else and have really never been alone. Thanks for all the advice on this site.


Trust me, you're not the first. We've all been there and can relate to everything you wrote.

Hang in there man, be strong!


Me-LBH, 48
Spouse-WW, 48
Married for 19 years
Son, 12
BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding)
BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA)
WW filed D February 2016
WW moved out April 2016
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coffee_ Offline OP
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Thanks Z,
I would say that I had a life, based on your examples. So I guess the point is to continue my life? Maybe switch it up a bit or something. In the immediate time I need to Get my Life back...instead of following her around like a puppy. I also will be less of a doormat like I have these past 8 or 10 months. The other thing I need to do is stop concerning myself with what she has going on, at this point who cares. Just as long as the needs of my son are taken care of. Today I consider moving to the extra bedroom.


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 327
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Originally Posted By: coffee_
Okay first real contact today, she texted and asked how my day has been. My response was "Going good, how is yours" Baby steps for detaching? I am done trying to pressure her into talking about this, after reading the threads and dusting myself off, it is liberating to know that I can just move on with our without her.


coffee_, I so empathize with you - after 30 years of marriage and 35 years together - what was "automatic" needs some major rewiring. Heck, I'm moving tubes to solid state.

Zephyr has some good thoughts on what he did as far as finding a new life - and that's what you're on your way to doing.

IMHO, I wouldn't answer the texts at all - or certainly not all of them. Let's see what a vet has to say on the subject. The small talk stuff is only trying to drag you back in. It's hard for you to be aloof and mysterious if you're answering what time you shaved or if you took the pickle off of your hamburger.

As far as no longer being "we", I'm not sure when I will break free of that. It will be more than mere months.

I just saw an artist I've loved forever (45 years?) - and and introduced to the W is going to be touring. In his band and by himself, I connect much of their music with "us". I haven't been able to listen to any of it since the BD. And, if I go see him - I buy one ticket? How sad is that? So, I don't go? If the W knew, she'd get 2 tix for herself and the OM - she's not bothered by such things. So, the W wins. Regardless. That's wrong.

As far as her A, what I have done to much success is get it out of my mind. 2 months ago I knew that the W and OM were going to have a week together (last week) in another state, starting with a stop at a hotel that's sort of place for much, much younger people (I'd be embarrassed to stay there). While I was in agony when I learned, I could not have cared less (well to some degree) now. I didn't think about it - fixate on it - it just is. I've got myself to worry about. And hope she had a lousy time.

Detaching is a major factor, and quite freeing. If I wanted to I could snoop - but why? It only causes pain. It's time consuming. In fact, the W is guilty of that and more - like she doesn't already have enough to do. I haven't bothered to look for almost 2 months - and eliminated all the things I signed up for, reminders etc. that would give me the slightest clue. All gone. Feels great!

I didn't see if you said anything about kids - we have none. But today I got pretty emotional about having not seen my dog for 2 months. That really hurts, and the W knows it. She'll punish the pooch to get to me, which is just wrong. If you've got kids, it seems to help a lot of people here. If not, then you've really got to concentrate even harder.

While I'm something of a prisoner as I'm the primary caretaker for my Mother at the moment - well GAL is not at all easy for me. I'm afraid to leave. I did get a new bicycle and get out and exercise as much as I can.

And, I did do a painting for a charity auction which was fantastic to do - and it's one of my best things for them. That should also tick off the WW, as it looks like she's not finished her piece yet, and we're 3 weeks past the deadline.

But - I've abandoned the hobby side of my profession, and need to get back into it. I'm letting people down by not testing equipment (manufacturers submit products to me) and writing reviews. Concentrating is hard. Very hard. So you might find those slightly more brainless activities a good place to start and then work your way up.

Roller Derby? Sounds like Zephyr is having too much fun if you ask me! That could be a good way to burn off some of that anger too. It's probably been outlawed in CA now - but I sure do remember the Bay City Bombers so long ago!

Anyway, remember that the W needs to see you GAL. She will wonder just why you're having so much fun - without her(!?). How dare you!

Don't let her think you're waiting for texts, phone calls or email. If you feel compelled to answer - at least give it an hour or five. Otherwise - if you're answering as you used to, she knows she's still got you wrapped around her finger.


Me: 58
Her: 59
Kids: 0
Dog: 1
ILYBINILWY: 9/15
D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed)
Verified OM: 1/11/16
Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Joined: Mar 2016
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coffee_ Offline OP
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The GAL thing for me is difficult. I have had a life..totally I ride my bike regularly, go to the gym, have beers with friends, go to work functions, go fishing etc.. Possibly just naturally why she keeps coming back to me, we have had run-ins in the past like this, and I continue to move on and get a life. This evidence that I have recently uncovered is pretty incriminating, proving a true affair, the past it was quick clues that I shouldn't have ignored. So after finding it and confronting her, I have been a mess, an absolute mess! So it has only been a few days since I found it, just got done with a shrink (for myself).
So for me I need to sweep up my mess and get back on the horse, but a couple of things I need to add is to start going to Church, and to quit drinking beer and lose some weight, I have put on a few this last year and need to get rid of that.

We do have one son, so the texting and emails - I will only respond if it in regards to that, it is important to me that he gets the care he needs from his parents.

Do I quit saying love you? what if she says it first?

The other GAL action is not to care what she is doing, what her schedule is and where she is, when will she be home. I will just stop caring about that. For one I can't trust a word of it, so letting go will help with the heartache...


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 182
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coffee_ Offline OP
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Jeez, this woman is bopping around the house and life like nothing big happened, it drives me nuts! Talk about needing to detach and GAL. She tried to kiss me this afternoon, I was reserved but did it. Now she is at "work" 2 hours later than she normally would be, after I picked up my son from her office at 5 o clock.......DETACH MAN DETACH!


M 21 years
XW 43yo, me 41 yo
S13
BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient...
End of June - I started the D process.
D final 2/23/17
"He who forgets will be destined to remember"
Eddie Vedder
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