We have been Married for 20 years and I believe she has been having an affair for 8-10 years of it. I found some pretty concrete evidence that she did it and confronted her, she denied it and tried to make lame excuses. It didn't work because I know for sure. She was out of town on a work conference and I believe he was there, I went there to find him/her but she wouldn't come out of her room saying she was scared. So I agreed to meet her in public so it gave her at least 40 minutes to clean up, I confronted her and she wouldn't admit She did say she is willing to make this marriage work and agreed to counseling. She seems committed but I really can't believe anything she says. I feel alone, betrayed, scared, and confused. I still want to spend time searching for more evidence - which I think is pointless and a waste of time. Just read through the 37 rules and will start living by them right now, some of them are hard to do at this stage but I will do it. Glad I found somewhere to go (this site) to help with the confusion and get some advice on how to move forward constructively. I want to save this marriage.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
We have been Married for 20 years and I believe she has been having an affair for 8-10 years of it. I found some pretty concrete evidence that she did it and confronted her, she denied it and tried to make lame excuses. It didn't work because I know for sure. She was out of town on a work conference and I believe he was there, I went there to find him/her but she wouldn't come out of her room saying she was scared. So I agreed to meet her in public so it gave her at least 40 minutes to clean up, I confronted her and she wouldn't admit She did say she is willing to make this marriage work and agreed to counseling. She seems committed but I really can't believe anything she says. I feel alone, betrayed, scared, and confused. I still want to spend time searching for more evidence - which I think is pointless and a waste of time. Just read through the 37 rules and will start living by them right now, some of them are hard to do at this stage but I will do it. Glad I found somewhere to go (this site) to help with the confusion and get some advice on how to move forward constructively. I want to save this marriage.
1. I'm SORRY. This )($)^(* 2. Do NOT be overly communicative right now. Just tell her you need some time to think. You DO. Reassuring her would be the worst thing ever. If she's serious then you taking a few weeks to sort through your feelings won't sink the ship. But you being too eager to sweep this under the rug WILL. It will lead to her leading a double life, doing this again, etc. Be strong and back off. 3. This skipped from her 'not admitting' anything to 'wanting to make the M work'. Did she ever admit her A? If not I'd say there is nothing to discuss until she admits the truth, answers any and all questions you have, and commits to ending any such extramarital relationships immediately and permanently. If she's not willing then just tell her you have some decisions to make and go dark. Keep posting here, read up, get strong, and go SLOWLY.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
coffee_, get the DR right away - and read it cover to cover as fast as you can absorb it.
Zues is right - withdraw and go dark, you've really got nothing to discuss at the moment. She's cake eating - and has all the benefits of both sides.
In the meantime, you've got some hard decisions to make. You've got to figure out a course of action based on possible ways she's going to go on this.
My W never admitted to her A (in fact, denying it), while also telling me it was none of my business. I too had all the proof I needed.
IF we ever got to a point of reconciliation, that would become a major hurdle I don't know if we could ever move past. Because, she's not going to give it up. She's put herself in such a position that it would be very hard to do that.
I've got to come to grips with moving on - and keep her damage to a minimum. She's trying to inflict as much pain as possible. Expect the same could happen.
You're in a good spot for the moment because she's at least discussing MC, and making things work. That's huge. You haven't been fired - and it's possible that her A is so shallow that it can be dropped and was momentary insanity.
Also consider a DB coach - this is exactly what they're perfect for and can help you make the right decisions moving forward. This is a critical time, and you seem to have the gift of time so use it wisely.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Thanks for the posts and all of the advice. I fear I have made some mistakes as this has unfolded. I think I can read through all of this information and will begin to do some of this stuff right away. She has admitted to the A...without disclosing anything. Today, before reading this again I have decided to go dark, I will read the information on that and begin to practice it. I have a therapy appointment today for myself so I think that will help a bit. The hardest thing is she just wants to act like no big deal and not discuss this stuff, I guess that is why I need to GAL and go dark first and foremost.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for that advice! I will take it! I wonder how I can get my hands on the book...as of now we are under the same roof and committed to making this work somehow. I will just have to devise a plan, perhaps a friend can order it for me.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I am guessing that this GAL thing takes some pretty serious practice. Right now, all I can think of is what "used to be" and that it really wasn't that at all. She has been hurting me like this many times. My heart jumps when the phone rings, buzzes, or a new email comes in. I have been married 20 years and this is all I know as life...[censored] man. I messed up as I suppose many people do and did the puppy dog thing, the needing to talk it out, my emotions are on a roller coaster, up and down. Thinking I need to know the whole truth, how many guys, with who, how extensive, is there still an A going on? So today is the first day of my GAL and go dark practice. It will be hard like I said, I know nothing else and have really never been alone. Thanks for all the advice on this site.
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
Well, I can almost be positive that it wasn't momentary insanity. I have caught her at least 3 other times, trying to develop some sort of A. This [censored] because the self confidence is so low right now,
M 21 years XW 43yo, me 41 yo S13 BD March 2016 - she asked me to patient... End of June - I started the D process. D final 2/23/17 "He who forgets will be destined to remember" Eddie Vedder
I am guessing that this GAL thing takes some pretty serious practice. Right now, all I can think of is what "used to be" and that it really wasn't that at all.
She did say she is willing to make this marriage work and agreed to counseling. She seems committed but I really can't believe anything she says. I feel alone, betrayed, scared, and confused. I still want to spend time searching for more evidence - which I think is pointless and a waste of time.