HaWho, I always do commend you on what you deal with. I will always remind you to be aware of when it has a negative effect on you.
I was dating a man of your ex's age (I'm 35). W ended things recently and I realize he is in a form of MLC. Indecisive, changing mind every second, wanting the world but, but on his terms only with no work. Saying in one breath he loves me and discusses our future and in that same breath he doesn't want an R. It made me crazy. And hurt because I really cared for him and I couldn't tell what was real or fake anymore. I was not invested as all of you were as it was a 6 month long R. I know you all are invested via marriage and kids and I just give you all props for what you deal with, because I was beginning to think I was the one beginning to lose my mind. It's good to see you can separate reality from fiction (your H obviously cannot).
I hope your H gets some professional help one day. he needs to. work through his childhood stuff. Again, kudos to your never ending patience and sense of humor
Ginger - thanks for the reminder and the kind words.
Oh, I can see how you could've thought you were going crazy with all this man's confusion. Best thing you did was split! Knowing what I know now, I would tell you to excuse yourself to the restroom, crawl out the window, throw yourself into the dumpster and RUN!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Oh no… You are not going to jump through the bathroom window (unless you are stuck in his dorm room bathroom…), and throw yourself into the dumpster… I hope…
These projections things are really bizarre, aren’t they? I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole MLC thing. Your H seems to be a poster child for this. I had a lot of issues in my childhood, and I did some damaging things in my marriage, because I was a product of my upbringing. But, I still don’t understand to the full degree how MLC can affect people’s brains so much that they don’t understand how strange their behavior is.
I completely agree with you on your plans for sleeping arrangements for your guests. YOU need to feel comfortable. It could be very exhausting to maintain the appearance of a happy family. Plus, you kids know that it is not the case anyway. I hope everything works out for your and your kid’s benefit, as much as possible. Your H can deal with his uncomfortable feelings on his own. After all, it is part of his journey. He needs to feel it 100%. There is no other way around this. Do what is best for you, HaWho. I know you have this incredible strength in you. You can do it! And enjoy the company at the same time!
Oh, and if you need to escape the scene at any time, let me know… Like I said, I always have a room available.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi Bright - nice to hear from you and thanks for the kind offer.
Well, received a glimpse into h's thinking today. I know it is just a snapshot of this moment in time, but it was sobering.
We stumbled onto talking about his father, who has always walked away from anything he did not want to do. He cheated/walked out on his first wife (h's mother), was a deadbeat dad, married OW, cheated on OW, is still married to OW but lives with another OW # ?.
Pre-BD h loathed this kind of behavior/selfishness. This morning? He tells me he admires his father for living the life his father wants to lead/being authentic to who he is. He says his father wanted to be a lazy slob and he lived that way. (Like FIL is some sort of pioneer blazing some amazing path.)
I listened a lot. But geez, how can any objective person admire that? I actually felt a bit sick over it all. I said, quietly, that I pity his dad. I said to h: "can't you see that he got stuck somewhere and never really grew up?"
Later he told the kids that he wished he had had 5 sons. That as hard as it was when the kids were young, that he would want to have 3 more like them. S12 joked that they would drive him crazy. I chimed in that then he really never would leave his room.
I feel pretty bummed out. I am trying to remember not to believe anything they say. Going to walk with S12 and then grab lunch. We invited h along. He opted to go for a walk by himself. Need to shake this off.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
About all you can do when/if they share is just listen .... careful when interjecting the "can't you see that he got stuck somewhere and never really grew up?" line as 1. He really CAN'T see that ... his brain is a bowl of wet noodles sitting on the foggy bank of a river he dare not cross yet. 2. He may very well defend his father, see you are criticizing him and have another reason to firm up the enemy label at a later date.
I would just see it for what it is .. he is thinking about stuff, possibly justifying his behavior by admiring now how his own father set the stage for him to act this way ... he has a reason now and most likely might feel relieved because what normal person would come off the rails as he did right?
HaWho - don't let what he said get you down. Like Cali said, he's trying to justify his own behavior.
My h was the same way before MLC. We worked in a large organization with quite a few guys (and women) who ran around on their spouses. H thought they were the scum of the earth. I wonder what he'd say about them now?
Anyway, it sounds like your h is looking around for an example or two that reflects his own behavior so he can say to himself that what he's doing is ok since others have done the same. My h does that. (I actually told him once that I thought the culture over there had corrupted his morals.)
It's the MLC talking. It's an attempt to soothe the guilt. Don't let it rattle you.
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
Soon before BD my H told me about a colleague of his. He was a serial cheater and he and his W separated multiple times. Finally, they are together again long term and living in an open R. The thing was, H told me this story as though - isn't that a great outcome for everyone??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
' believe none of what he says and 50% what he does ' I keep this in my mind always !
Agree with what Cali said point 1 and 2. There's no way to have rational conversation with MLCer when they're in their dark tunnel... whatever I said, husband would take it as I'm critisizing with enimosity.
I agree with others. After BD, my H too was giving me examples of his new friends who had split and were "happier". He also mentioned his dad, who has only had one brief serious R since H mom left him over 20 years ago, and said how lucky he is to be alone and able to do what he wants when he wants.
Meanwhile, his dad has told us multiple times he wishes he could find someone to share life with, but I guess H forgot that part! They only see what they want to justify their behavior.
Me 48 H 46 S 11 M 2004 BD 8/13 H moved out 2/15 -live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
