Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Hi Heather!

You sound well.

Keep going!

Tad

(PS - you'll love the amount of gas that you DON'T put in the Prius.)


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
It has been soooooo long!!! Crazy long.

Thought I'd stop by, say "HI!"

And, for all those starting out... I'm five years out, since Ex-H of 25 years left and I'm AWESOME. If I was any more awesome... I wouldn't be able to stand myself.

Yes, I'm divorced, but I'm okay. And, my kids are okay and my dog is okay and I'm living in a place where, 20 years ago, I dreamt of living... but, my husband wasn't willing to move away from his wackadoo parents.

Still love him. Not sure I will ever be able to allow him back in my life. Still have moments of anger, moments of grief, sadness and whatever... but, they pass so much more quickly now. My advice is... feel whatever you need to feel. Trust your own process, your journey, allow your feelings to take you where you need to go... and make your life better than it was. Create a support system of folks, who will support whatever feeling happens to surface in that moment. Feel it. Move through it. THEN... Do the stuff you only dreamt of doing during your intact marriage. And, show your kids peace. Provide them with a SAFE, drama-free place to land. A safety net from the insanity.

When I find myself longing for my married life, old life, old house... feeling sad about stuff...I've created a coping mechanism that may work for others. I READ about antisocial personality disorders, narcissism, personality disorders, codependency and domestic violence. I have a small reading list of articles, books and the like to remind me of the reality of living with an abusive, severely depressed person.

Any individual in a midlife crisis exhibits similar behavior. It's abuse, in my opinion. And, there are some definite benefits to cutting the cord, either legally or figuratively. Mainly, my children know what a calm, peaceful, loving home is... It's a safe place.

In my case, my ex-H showed some red flags for all of these behaviors throughout the years. He had moments of genuine empathy, kindness and regret, but struggled with substance abuse for much of 30+ year relationship. In my opinion, mid-life, some serious un-resolved childhood abuse and emotional neglect, along with life's regular ups-and-downs led to my H's crisis.

What I've learned: Live YOUR dream. This, in my opinion, takes the sting out of the rejection and pain. If they come back, they come back. They will do whatever, regardless of what you do, or don't do. I made every DB mistake in the book, and my ex-H is still expressing regret and and missing us.

Not only did I move to a place where I always wanted to live, but I've transformed my life into the vision I had hoped for years and years. I work from home. Currently, I'm working from home part time and recuperating from an incredibly intense five years.

H is still floundering and very, very sad.

From time to time, I reach out to him. I try to maintain a connection. Sometimes, I get a polite, but short response... others he offers up more apologies and regrets... Still living with OW as far as I know.

Last week, he, again, told me how sorry he is... how he effed up his whole life... yadda, yadda, yadda... A really nice memory came up from when we were teenagers. He told me he'd would do it all over again today.

Then, crickets.

He will make these sorta random, out-of-the-blue statements of regret, make it obvious he is really miserable, but will leave it there. Sorta fade back into the woodwork as far as I'm concerned. I'm not sure he has the mental capacity, or energy to handle how badly he treated me, or the clarity to map/take action to climb out of the quagmire he put himself in.

He is, however, working harder at reconnecting with our oldest. He talks to her weekly. Our youngest still wants nothing to do with him.

I just take his cue, and fade back away, leave him to it... The anger has mainly faded. Now, I just feel badly for him... and sad for how time continues to pass, while my life moves forward and he isn't a part of it.

I've really removed most of the toxic people from my life. Talk to my mom occasionally, rarely to my dad, never to my in-laws. The girls and I have created a nice, happy bubble in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Focused on healing.

Getting to know new folks in our new state. Loving myself, my kids, my new life.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 618
Likes: 1
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 618
Likes: 1
Hey Lois.....I've loved reading this. I really needed it right now.

Thank you!

Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
I was thinking about you the other day and wondered how you and the girls were doing.

I'm glad you came back to post an update. You sound great! Your journey was a difficult one, but when you finally made up your mind to take back your life...you did it! Congratulations!

Keep up the good work and please come back to visit more often. The door is always open!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Job,

I've been thinking of you too!!

You were such a pivotal person during some very lonely, frightening times. Thank you.

Life has a funny way of working out the way it's supposed to. I never would have believed that five years ago.

NEVER. I felt like God had it out for me.

He didn't. He had a plan.

I remember coming across this site around 2 a.m. when I couldn't sleep for all the sobbing. It was about 9 months after he left. A few months after I learned of the OW.

I used all my reporter/editor skills to research, research, dig, dig, dig and dig for any signs that someone's marriage had survived.

I would have given anything... ANYTHING for my husband to come back.

What I couldn't see was that God was protecting us from a very unbalanced person. God gave us the space needed for me to grow up and for the kids to experience a calm they never would have experienced had their dad stayed put.

There is protection in rejection.

The rejection, the OW, the crisis... none of it had anything to do with me, or the connection I had with my husband.

It's really strange how the timeline seems dead on too. Kinda freaks me out a lil. It's been 5 years last February since he left. I feel a shift, where he's concerned. He seems a little more like his old self... very timid, very skittish, but a little more like the guy I once knew.

In the last year, he has slowly increased his communication with our oldest. He is making a slow, but steady effort with our youngest with gifts and cards. She received a package in the mail today.

Anyway, feeling grateful today for this painful process and where it's brought us all. I feel I've learned a great deal about unconditional love and patience.

Not sure what the future holds, but I'm feeling pretty content today.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 6,119
Likes: 408
was thinking of you the other day, Heather, wondering how you were doing and sending a prayer that you were in a peaceful state of being. So very happy to read your update. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
LoisB Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Hey Everyone!

I almost didn't post this -- I'm 5+ years into this and I can testify, It's hard to come back and post even when something shifts in the situation. It's kinda cringeworthy because there's so much pain documented on this site for me. All my crazy out there for the world to read.

However, something has shifted in my situation, I remember being desperate for any information about the other side when I was in midst of all that pain. So, here goes:

My ex-H has been in consistent contact with our oldest daughter for more than a year now. At first, she said it was like communicating with a teenager -- but she has continued contact and expressed some things to him, which seem important to her in order to move forward.

Youngest daughter hasn't seen him in four years and is now almost 15--she doesn't really know him. He reaches out from time-to-time, but she doesn't want anything to do with him.

My life is in a good place. I'm happy. I'm really seeing how -- had I stayed married and all of this bad hadn't happened, I wouldn't have the really awesome life I have now.

Maybe out of guilt, out of knowing this man since childhood, having children with him?? Still loving him -- but not wanting to be with him as he is -- ???? I don't know. From time-to-time I reach out just to touch base and let him know something going one with youngest daughter, or to even ask how it's going.

I do this -- maybe once every six months or so -- Well, anyway, I've noticed he always responds now, and he usually responds quickly and at least acts if he is happy I reached out.

I had been dark for many, many months and reached out to him this spring with some info about our daughter. He was really responsive and grateful to me for sharing. He also apologized again deeply for all the pain he had caused. He told me he deeply regretted how he had effed everything up and wished he could go back in time. Then, crickets. Seems like he only communicates with me if I reach out.

So, yesterday, I touched base. I had had some dreams about him and just has this sense I should reach out. Remember, we have been a part of each other's lives since childhood and he still feels like family to me.

So I did and what he communicated was pretty illuminating and validating as far as OW is concerned.

He first thanked me for being the person I am, and being such a good mom to our daughters.

Told me he was working on himself, not an easy road. In a bad place and working to get out of it.

He told me he looked forward to talking to me soon.

Then, the best part... He told me what happened was not my fault. And, what he has with OW isn't "at all like what we had and not the better either. Just for clarification. He told me I didn't hallucinate 30 years of my life." What we had was real... sounds like what he has now is pretty empty and superficial and he's not happy.

I would have given anything to know this when I found out about OW... all the imaginings, the self-doubt and grief over having a long, long relationship with someone and maybe not knowing the real person.

This isn't to say he will take any action. He often doesn't, and sits in the muck, which, truthfully, is fine for me because having a really messed up person like him in our lives right now is not something I'm open to. We live a really quiet, happy life about 9 hours from him and I'd like to keep it that way.

But, knowing what we had as a couple was real. Knowing his choices didn't take him to happily ever after, knowing he regrets his choices... I can't say I'm happy he is miserable, but I'm content to know the world isn't as upside down as it felt when he left.

For a long time, he was my rock, my home, my foundation... and, when his behavior turned our lives upside down and made me question my own sanity.

For those struggling with the adultery and hearing about soulmates and blah, blah, blah... It's not what you think. It's empty and offers only the illusion of a carefree life--Know that. No matter how much they may try to convince you otherwise.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
Thank you so much for sharing that perspective. You have no idea how much it means to me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
S
SBJ Offline
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2016
Posts: 875
Thank you for your comments. It is nice to see that we aren't all crazy...right? I hope and pray that all is well with you and your girls.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2016
Posts: 584
Likes: 4
Ah, you made me gulp and cry a bit (in a good way). I'm pleased that no matter how late you finally heard what you needed to hear x


Me: 53 H:38
T:20 M:14
BD ILYB etc 10/15, H diagnosed severe depression
S 1/16
PA 4/16
H filed 1/17

Page 6 of 10 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard