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job Offline
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Your youngest is a very smart cookie. She will open her heart just a wee bit, but she's very wise when it comes to your xh.

I worry about you the most.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Heather I'm so sorry about your mom. Will keep her and your family in my prayers.

Also - happy birthday! Mine is next week also! We Virgo girls rule smile xoxo

Re: exh and the latest part of his journey. I echo Job on the wait and see, but I also feel like if the opportunity presents itself, why can't you say exactly what you told us about what you'd need to see from him?

Or is that not the right step to take??

Deferring to those with more experience on that one.

Much love,
-B.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Wow, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. My mom tripped and fell and hit her face in July; not knocked unconscious, but broke her nose and some teeth. The resulting concussion has resulted in some definite cognitive issues - she's improving but I'm afraid this may have tipped her over into incipient Alzheimer's - I'm doing everything possible to help her brain heal but it's slow progress. There's a book coming out later this week called The End of Alzheimer's by Bredesen - the research protocol that they are using in early dementia would also be beneficial for brain injury recovery. (Oddly enough, I saw two brain injury patients this morning - one is a teenage patient of mine who sustained a serious traumatic brain injury with skull fracture and bleed at the beginning of July, and had a long and complicated hospital course. But he looks fantastic now! I'm so relieved.

Quote:
I prefer them outdoorsy, late 30s, strong, tall and able to scoop me up and kiss me with some passion.


Lolol - I love this! I'm pretty sure you've moved way beyond you ex - he'd have to work hard for YEARS to come close to being a person you would want to date. Fingers crossed that he gains enough emotional sobriety to start functioning a little bit as a father, but keep your expectations very very low. And I agree with the boundaries discussed above - if he comes to town, he stays at a hotel, and out of your peronal space as much as possible. (BTW, the GALL to feel he has the right to be upset seeing your dating app!!! They all really do think we're just supposed to sit frozen in time.)

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I'm sorry also about your mom, that must be so awful to endure and to have to deal with.

Interesting about your H. It really seems that at some point they do come back whether they are wanted or not. I'm with KML, I love your description of the ideal male and how your H pales in comparison.

I'd say keep a distance and some level of amusement about the whole thing.

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Wow, girl! You've got a lot going on! Sorry bout your mom. And the sitch with her ex is unfortunate added stress...

And dang, your ex, huh? Whelp, be strong girl. And remember, it's not your job to help him or pull him through. He will never be half the man you would even look at if he can't stand on his own two feet and walk the path he needs to.

But that little bit of confirmation of things you've known all along sure is nice, huh?!

Take care, my friend. Hold your head high and proud. And do you! XO

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Thanks everyone!! Much love :-) Just like old times.

Girls and I held an impromptu "Matt Situation Conference." Oldest daughter was stressing, because he is calling her daily first thing in the morning. He asked her for guidance the relationship he has with youngest. Too heavy, too much, especially right now. He also telling her different stuff. He got high to watch the eclipse.

The girls and I set boundaries and sent in email-everyone contributed:

The girls and I have discussed:


1. No surprise visits. Get a therapist.

2. Callaway needs a week-break from talking to you. When you get a therapist, you can talk about the heavy, adult stuff--like how to approach a relationship with Louisa. Cal is 23, and needs to focus on paying bills, working, decorating her apartment. Get a therapist/professional help.

3. Asheville is a bubble of happy and safe for us, this will NOT be disrupted. I helped you transition to Marblehead, and you assured me OW would not follow. That's not an option for Asheville. I don't trust she won't follow you. Louisa: "Dad can move anywhere in the world, but Asheville." Get a therapist.

4. You must not use us to get better. You must stand on your own two feet like we have. As an adult. Not seeing your children for years is NOT normal. Get a therapist. Get help.

5. You are telling Cal one thing, me another. "Honesty builds relationships, stop being a pussy," (per Callaway). "Do some [censored] that will make you like yourself, instead of walking on eggshells trying to please us all."

Louisa: I want a DAD, I don't want emails, texts, or whatever, or gifts. I feel guilty because I know he is hurting. But, I don't want a DAD who is still smoking cigarettes and other stuff. I want a DAD free of the person he lives with. I want a DAD who has gotten help and is trying to honestly figure out why he did the terrible things he did."

Callaway: "I want a DAD, who is honestly looking at himself and what he has done. He needs to admit he can't do this alone."

Callaway: I want him to walk into a therapist's office and say, "I abandoned my family and my pets, and I need help to understand why."

We all love you in our own way. That won't change. But, you are not someone any of us would want to hang out with RIGHT NOW. Enough of the B.S. Get help, or don't. Up to you. You've missed out on years.


He sent a text: Got it. Thanks for the honesty. Hope your mom continues to improve. Take care TTYL smiley face.


***Will start another thread--eventually.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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