Just found out 3 weeks ago - happy valentines day!

[LiM]

If the people in her group found out, her world would crumble to nothing. She would basically see her life as being "over." The OM would probably be kicked to the street; maybe not. But his business would come to an abrupt end and his reputation would be ruined. I've really struggled with not exposing the A. The main reason is that it gives me leverage. In the event of a D, then she can have the life that she wants but then I get what I want: primary custody, child support, and not have to give up any equity in my company. Those things are the most important thing to me. That "leverage" ensures that I get what I want.

You are doing a great job of taking care of yourself. Don't just detach and work on yourself physically. Focus on your mental too. None of us are perfect. What do you need to do to be a better person? What skeletons do you have in your closet. Spend this time making yourself a better person.

Also, detaching isn't about ignoring her. Its clear she's hurting. She seems to be truly remorseful. That's the first step towards reconciliation. Its ok to respond to her if she texts or calls you. Just don't be the one to initiate. At least not yet. And it probably wouldn't hurt to make her wait a little bit when you do respond. Make her squirm a little. This isn't about punishing her. Not if you truly want to repair the damage she's done to your marriage by the A. If she's remorseful, you have something you can work with. Get her to go to IC. You should go too. Then you can work on MC.

I really hope the best for you. It seems like she might be in a place to be wiling to repair the damage she's done. I WISH my W would express some remorse. But I got nothing.

[Stormchaser]

Mine is the same boat - I have the evidence, so I know she has THAT worry hanging over her head. Yet, I really don't need leverage that much only because my kids are a lot older. My MC said the only thing exposure would do that this point is completely destroy any chance of reconciliation.

She currently is in IC as well. Its helping her see where she went wrong, but its also making her open her eyes to see WHY she did it. And there's the dilemma: Why does a woman who supposedly loves her husband develop an intimate relationship with a male coworker? Does this mean she doesn't love her husband? Does this mean the marriage was potentially a sham? She's asking herself a LOT of questions now and it makes ME think: Does she want to even be married? This infidelity caused her to do a LOT of insight now, things she may have rugswept in the past but now wants to deal with. Is it a fog? I dunno. I'm incredibly impatient and want answers NOW, and this is one the hardest things to wait out for. I hate limbo.

I feel for you - have you given any kid of ultimatum with her?

[LiM]

I've seen you mention "VAR" a couple of times? What is that? Is that a voice activated recorder? If so, that's how I busted my W.

I've not given any kind of ultimatum. You aren't supposed to do that with the DB process. But I have my own mental ultimatum. I'm going to give it a couple of more weeks and then I'm going to have a conversation with her. One of the things I need to know is if she is going to be able to completely sever her relationship with the OM. I don't think there is a continuing PA but she still communicates almost daily via his groups FB page. Sometimes, they comment to each other but most of the time its communicating with the group. But that's a non starter for me. I don't care if she socializes and works out with the other athletes but it must be completely outside of that group. She must never see him, talk to him, visit his FB page or wear their team colors or logos. Its just too painful for me. If she can't sever that relationship, that's fine. But for me, it will be time to file for D and move on with my life.

[Stormchaser]

Yes, a voice activated recorder. Everything is on the up and up, but it does confirm my W's reluctance to rush into an immediate reconciliation until her own issues are fixed. Which scares me because she may not want to after her IC sessions.

I did the ultimatum last week during a fury filled rage, which I regretted the next day, but it's still stuck in her head. I'm trying the DB process now, but like I said, its hard not being in contact with someone you've been in daily contact with for nearly 30 years. Maybe I'm just projecting about MC tomorrow. It scares the [censored] out of me.

My W still works with OM but like I said, she's disgusted by his presence and hated that he took complete advantage of her. Not that she couldn't say NO, but still - its difficult for her as well. She can't quit due to losing her income - but at this point, I'd rather her quit and I would pick up the slack if need be. Maybe that is something I can bring up in MC tomorrow.

I'm just in a bad place now, scared to death. Hate this helpless feeling.

[LiM]

I'm scared too. I love my W and want the opportunity to make amends for my long list of faults. But I can't do it alone. And I can't do it if she's not remorseful for what she's done. She's got to be just as willing to be accountable for her actions and faults as I am. And her issues aren't limited to the A. We've both brought damage to the relationship and we've both got to be willing to do what is necessary to fix it.
I'm also afraid that she will go through whatever process she is doing and come out the other side not wanting to be with me. I can't fathom the thought of 20+ years going down the tubes. But I've realized I can't control her and that I need to make sure I'm ok not matter what the outcome. And honestly, I'm ready to move on if she's not ready to begin working on it

[Stormchaser]

I wanted to update this thread with some bad news/good news.

I'll start off with the bad news. I had installed a VAR in her car and listened in on her phone conversations. Everything was on the up and up until one day I heard her say "there's NO WAY I can tell hubby everything. He'll be destroyed. I need to leave it where its at". So, basically a lot more went on than she initially said. Initially, she was like "there was heavy petting, but when it came to intercourse, I couldn't pull the trigger". So either she had full blown sex or other things happened that she is scared to tell me.

And at this point, I'm not sure I even want to know. I just hate having that doubt now. I've since stopped listening in on her, for fear that it all may be revealed and the reconciliation we're doing will be damaged beyond repair.

The GOOD news: She's still incredibly remorseful and has shown me a massive amount of attention. The last VAR recording showed the OM still making passes at her, and her saying that she's put up her hands and told him to back off. A part of me wants to reveal it all to his wife, but she may come in and start something and that also may derail the reconciliation. Wife and I had a getaway weekend and it all went well except for one blowout, and the MC said this was normal.

Wife finally admitted ILY and keeps saying it. Said she will quit the job if I really pressed it. Has been incredibly sexual and receiving of my advances. I have my bad days, such as wondering if he was doing that or this to her, but I have to learn to work around this. For example, we had oral sex one night and the flash thought "did she do this to him" entered my head and immediately deflated me. These are issues I need to discuss in MC.

We are slowly but cautiously optimistic. MC said the true test will be how we feel in 6 months.

[LiM]

Why are you not demanding strict no contact with OM? Is that something that you are not able to openly monitor? There is no chance of REAL reconciliation so long as there is any contact whatsoever.
About a week after my last post, I discovered the the A was still ongoing and it had gone to levels that I couldn't possibly have imagined. They've done sex acts together that I would have gotten thrown out of the house for had I even merely suggested that we try x, y or z. This is true XXX porn stuff that was going on. I can guarantee that you W has had sex with OM and probably much more than just plain vanilla sex. They will never tell the whole truth. They are liars. That's what they do.
Yesterday, the OM "confessed" everything to his W and everything is now exposed. I've seen some very angry correspondences between my W and OM's W (they used to consider each other friends) and OM's W indicated that there were a lot of BJ's going on. So that may be all OM told his wife. The truth is that it went WAY beyond that.
You can't tell your W you are still spying on her. At some point, you are going to have to trust her but at a bare minimum, there has to be strict NC. If he contacts her, even if she denies his advances, she should be telling you about these encounters. There are books out there that cover the topic of "how to help your spouse heal from your affair." You need to purchase and read these. There are rules that must be followed and she needs to tow the line or hit the road. Dont make it too easy for her. She has to earn her place at your side.

[Stormchaser]

LiM: They work in the same building. There is always going to be some kind of contact. I don't want to get into specifics, but they occasionally have to communicate about similar clients they have. In MC, W said its more difficult now because I have a strict NC with texting him. She said texting him would be easier than having to deal with him F2F. W even said she would show all texts. MC and I disagreed, because if any texts showed ANY hint of flirtatious behavior on his side, I would be pissed and it would cause more issues. Even if she told me he made an advance, she KNOWS I'd start [censored] with him at work. And I know myself to know it would happen.

I do believe more went on. I also believe in all honesty my W is trying to protect me as well as covering her ass. My guess is if she revealed it all, any chance of R would be done and I would blow the doors wide open, as well as me being incredibly hurt. Am I in denial? Maybe. However, I know myself enough to know I really and truly DON'T want to know. The mind movies are bad enough. Odd how you mention BJ's. For some reason, that's always ok.....

I can see the scenario now...if his W ever found out, she may go to great lengths to make things miserable. Put it on the company FB page. This would lead to it getting out to everyone on FB knowing. This would lead to my W and OM getting fired on the spot. Possible lawsuit? W, who took YEARS to build an established client base, would see years of her work down the tubes. Before you say "yeah, tough crap she should've thought of that before", I don't buy that line of thinking. My W is extremely remorseful, immediately stopped the affair and went to great lengths to get us into MC and herself in IC. She WANTS it to work, I have texts of her refusing to give up on us when I said I want a D, and is showing me day after day that she wants us to be a success story.

There was a trigger for me this weekend. Things were great. I went out to get us all dinner. Passed a sex shop and snapped a picture and sent it to the W, joking with the W about "do we need anything else while I'm out". She said, "surprise me". Whoa!?!?! So I got a couple of playful things. We had some wine later that night, went to bed and I broke out the fun things. One was some fuzzy handcuffs. I tried them on her and started fooling around. She was kinda into it, but then stopped, saying it was too soon for anything that kinky...maybe later. That triggered me, thinking, "is this what they were doing and now she's feeling guilty?" We finished but the next day it really bothered me and I felt like bringing it up, but I didn't. Maybe it WAS too soon for that, its only been like 7 weeks. But the mind movies were just so intense yesterday, it took me all day to work through them.

She's been stellar so far, however. We've been talking like crazy. She admits the closeness we have is like nothing before. In MC, W brought up some things that happened last year that I did that were truly awful. I remember them, but blew them off. LiM, I actually told her to "get out of the house" several times last year because of fights we would have, instead of trying to resolve them. Its NOT an excuse for her to run into another guy's arms, but it definitely pushed us into zones of distance that were so estranged, we were basically friends living together. That emotional disconnection on both ends led to her affair. Again, I'm not excusing anything she did, and she also says if she was in the right frame of mind, she would've insisted on MC at the time. But she's also learned WHY she did it, how it came about, and how to deal with this properly in the future. So I'm rest assured in the future, we'll deal with our problems in a rational way.

She mentioned getting a tattoo with my name on it. I thought this was a great idea, but later on I decided against it because in the future, it would only remind me of what happened.

On a side note, when I found out all this happened, I lost close to 25 lbs. At the same time, I started going to the gym 5x a week. I tell ya, the difference between now and then is staggering. I've been tanning, too. Last night I got undressed for bed and the W was like, "WTF....are you wearing fake skin?" She was so turned on by the transformation. I tried not to let it get to my head because I'm not one of those that looks in the mirror - but I do have to admit, I now have a 2 pack. Hopefully a little more by the summer.

[Scotch]

Detaching isn't going to push her back to the OM. If she goes back to the OM, its not because you detached. Its because she is emotionally weak, resentful, rebellious, disrespectful and has a heart full of contempt. She's got to fix that. In the mean time, you have to work on YOU. Become the man you KNOW you can be. The man she would be a fool to leave!

Wow LiM, that may be the best way I've heard how detaching push her away!

Storm, you said you kicked her out. You regret that or think it helped? I am at the point of considering it. My W is having a EA so it's slightly different but still an A no the less. I brought it up to her that I know about it. But we haven't discussed it since. I see her texting all the time and I'd be a fool to think its not with the OM. So I contemplating it.

[Stormchaser]

Scotch - why are you not looking at the texts? If I thought for a second my W was still in contact with OM, I'd not hesitate to boot her out. This is something you have to find out IMMEDIATELY!! Don't pleasantly ask for her phone, demand it!!! If she has nothing to hide, then she should let you see it.

Not only do I NOT regret it, in hindsight I should've let her stay out longer. She suffered badly those two weeks. AND - I regret not telling the OMs W. Had I had the information about her THEN (it took me a few weeks to find her information), I would've let her know.

The first week I was fine. She was suicidal, locked in a hotel room drinking her life away. The 2nd week a friend took her in. The 2nd week I started to miss her. That Friday we went to our first MC session and after that, she asked me if she could come home. The MC asked us both if we want to make it work, we said yes, so she said any kind of contact with OM's W would end any chance of reconciling.

Through therapy, my W said she couldn't believe that I would kick her out - this showed her the enormity of what she did and I wasn't letting her off lightly. She also said it turned her OFF, because there was no way (at that time) I wanted to R and wanted her out. Her quote, which is typical WW speak, was "that showed me you didn't care about saving our marriage". No rebuttal mattered. "You screwing around showed you didn't care about the marriage" was my response, but like I said, they don't wanna hear that. They're quite in the "ME" fog.

First and foremost, dude, you gotta stop that with the OM. She needs to end it and NOW.

At least my W showed a ton of remorse afterwards (not something common seen around here) and is trying to make it work. She still gets snippy (doesn't wanna talk about it unless we're in MC), but for the most part, lets me see her phone, knows I check the records, and is very transparent to me.