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Joined: Nov 2007
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So yeah, my W of 25 years - busted her through texting. I was totally caught off guard. Yeah, we've been drifting in and out, but always came around. This is NOT atypical behavior from her at all. All those who found out (limited circle) are shocked.

Its a work colleague. On first discovery, she begged, pleaded, SWORE up and down (and I have proof) that there was NO intercourse, just text play and some intimacy (not going into details).

So I kicked her out. She left for two weeks, and I started to file for D. I waited it out a bit, we went into counseling and tried to make it work at home. Then the blame shifting started - it takes two, you're not at fault here...she's in therapy 2x a week now and revealed all her issues with men growing up and how this ONE TIME was the only time it got physical.

Now its odd. She's remorseful, but tired of me snooping. I demanded the phone every day. I know it stopped. She said it actually stopped 6 months ago, and I'm finding about it today.

She said she can't say she loves me because what kind of woman would do this and love her husband? She wants to be truthful. She says in the past, she would feel guilty if she was out with girlfriends and happened to dance with another guy. She wants to know why a married woman would even dance with another guy. All her friends (who were also married) were doing it, but she feels she shouldn't have done that. (I'm not even bothered by that, ironically)

But now, we're at the point where we were home together for a week and now we're having to separate again due to anger on both sides flaring up bad.

We have adult children, and very little to split between us (debt, house, car), nothing big.

That's the short story. I have a VAR and it backs up her story.

But although she's remorseful, she's also very aloof. Stand offish. Not wanting to hold hands, anything like that. I admit, when we got back together, we went right back into sex. (I got STD tested the first day, all clear). Realize that was a mistake, we should've just been anything BUT intimate.

So now, she's moving out (MC recommended at least a month) to see where we stand. I'm not sure, one minute I love this woman and want her to move back in, begged her to come back, the next minute (and I mean minute) I'm yelling at her to get out.

So, I'm sure you've all been down this road before.

I've lost so much weight, that I went to the gym and decided to keep it off and work on myself. Without her around, I have much more free time (both adult children live with me) and we spend a TON of time together.

I'm just curious, what the hell is going thru my wife's head? Why isn't she like wanting to hold hands, snuggle, send me texts? She basically ignores me now...and once she moves out, it'll be worse...

As for the affair, its over. I have proof of it and if any of it got out at work, they'd both be out of jobs, and if she's out of a job, she can't afford to be on her own. VAR confirms she was crying to one of her friends, "that SOB took advantage of me, I can't even stand the sight of him anymore, makes my stomach sick".

Thoughts?


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
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Posts: 209
After reading some things here, I can't believe how much my story mirrors LiM's. Amazing. Especially about the exposing part, that if this got out, I fear my wife would be extremely suicidal. If her church group, athletic club, boss, family and all those found out, she would be absolutely devastated. If I tell the OM's W, the OM has a history of PTSD from work and who knows what he would do.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
Man, the more I read, the more I learn.

The 180 - wow, I couldn't be doing anything MORE opposite. I even sent her flowers. That's insane.

She was most attracted to me when I finally landed my dream job 6 years ago. It was heaven for both of us. Not just the money, but the chance for advancement, relocation, etc. Within the last 2 years, all I bitched about was how horrible this job had become and can't wait to "quit this shithole" - which really turned her off. Emotional detachment began.

I think back to a time when we were living together early on in the relationship. Two years in and things were going south, so she started seeing a guy behind my back...I busted her, she moved out and all I was left with was rabbit ears on an old TV. She took all the furniture. I missed her, cried to her every night, begged her back - nothing worked. So I gave up, went out and bought all new furniture, repainted the apartment and had it looking stylish. 3 months later we run into each other and talked, she came back to the apartment and was astounded. Only later on did she say, "I was really surprised to see the turnaround, I thought you'd be still in a fetal position in the corner - I was pissed cuz you CAN live without me!" We kinda laughed at that.

I will be digging up this forum big time tonight.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
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LiM here!

Sorry buddy. I know how bad this hurts. I struggle with it EVERY day. Its the most agonizing thing I've ever gone through.

First of all, don't send her flowers. SHE CHEATED ON YOU! She doesn't deserve flowers. You've got to detach. This is the most difficult thing you will do but you have to do it. You have to mentally let her go. Just when I think I've got detachment nailed, I realize I've got more work to do. But you've got to do it for you.
You've done this before. Do it again. Get out there and GAL.
Its unlikely that you are blameless for the problems in your marriage. I know I'm sure as hell not. That doesn't excuse her behavior but you have work to do on yourself. NOT for her but for YOU. Find out what your faults are and start to fix those. Dig deep and be honest with yourself.

On Sunday, my W told me "maybe having an A wasn't the best way to deal with things." Really!? You think!? I guess that's a step better than the last time she told me that she didn't know if she was sorry for the A because she felt it gave her the "strength" to get me to start working on my issues. What a load of crap.
The thing that got me to start working on my issues (and there are plenty) was when she told me that she was considering separation which was BEFORE she started having the affair. The rub is that I heard her when she said she was unhappy and was considering separation. And because I heard her, I DID start working on myself. I started counseling, started working on my relationship with my daughters, started exercising, etc. But she was checked out and didn't even see that I was working to fix my faults because she then went and started having an A.

I'm so sorry you are here but there is an opportunity for you. You have the opportunity to make yourself into a better person and then you can decide if you want her back.

My thoughts and prayers are with you in this difficult time.


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
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Posts: 209
I know, LiM - my IC thought flowers would be a good idea, because initially when I kicked my W out, I was furious and wanted a D immediately. Several weeks after calming down, the IC said give it a try and let her know you're serious about R.

LiM - where is she staying and how is she paying for it? Only reason I ask is my wife stayed with a friend, and since she's been back home, its a warzone, but she cannot move back with this friend and due to her low income, cannot afford to get a place herself. My IC suggested helping her get a place - I almost fired her on the spot.

Since she's been home, I've been needy and clingy. Never responds to my texts or calls. Today I shut the phone off and used my work phone. On the way home, turned on the phone and got a message from her - "I can't cope anymore". She's been in bed all day. wtf?? I never answered. Usually I'd answer with a dozen texts trying to help. Not today. And not tomorrow.

BUT - things I am doing for me - 5x a week at Planet Fitness. During the separation, I lost about 15 lbs and used that to start running more and keeping in shape. Kept the house in tip top shape. I was pretty busy, and if she moves out again, I have plenty to keep be occupied. I'm not doing ANY of these things for her, I'm doing them for me. The only thing I say "check out those abs" to is the mirror.

She is learning in therapy that boundaries were crossed. I learned my part in it all - how I distanced myself due to extreme work stress, emotional stress - I checked out a few times, and the perfect storm hit. She and I were both checked out at a bad time, the right guy came in and played her just the right way. Not to say she couldn't just say no - she's learning in therapy why it happened and digging up painful childhood memories that have been stuffed for years. Its not easy for either one of us, especially now having to live together and her having to work with the guy. I want her to quit, but that would end her income and trying to find a new job in her field would be next to impossible.

As for the pain - you're right. This is a pain that cuts right into the soul and sometimes I wonder why I'm even trying to R - its still early - you seem to have more time involved, and it looks like your patience is running thin.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
L
LiM Offline
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Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
My W moved out, rented a house (that costs almost as much as our mortgage) and filled it with new furniture. I'm sure she's racking up an enormous amount of debt. She actually makes more money than me. She has plenty of money but not enough to support her triathlon stuff. That's probably what makes her angry and is why she is wanting me to get a part time job (which I'm not going to do).
She had been planning to separate but I found out about the A before she planned on moving out. I think she probably planned on moving out about a month later. So I sent her packing to a motel.

I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. Exercise is a great way to deal with the stress. I've lost almost 30 pounds since our separation began and I really didn't need to lose that much. I've been working out almost daily but most of the weight loss is likely due to stress.

Its clear that she's hurting. Let her. Stop being clingy and needy. It won't help you.
Only you can decide if you want her back and if you want to work on your R. In the meantime, detach and work on YOU. I can see you are already doing a good job. It hard. Almost impossible at times. But you have it in you to do it. You ROCK THOSE ABS man!


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
S
Member
OP Offline
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
LiM:

Our stories, again, are striking similar. My W is also in the fitness field and was involved with someone at work. She's also been drinking heavily lately, and everything she's done to keep herself in shape is going out the window. (Eating like crap, not working out, etc..). Yesterday she called out sick and stayed in bed all day.

Is your W still involved with OM? Mine swears it is done and VAR proves it. She repeatedly says she's disgusted by the way he took advantage of her when she was weak.

My W's income is 1/4 mine, so she has nowhere to go. My kids are older but still living with me and they're self sufficient.

It felt good to detach yesterday. It felt good to see her suffering, after her being this head strong woman for so many years.

I'm just worried that detaching will push her back into OM.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
L
LiM Offline
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2015
Posts: 567
I have no idea if the PA is still ongoing. I don't think it is but who the hell knows. I have no reason to think it isn't. She DID start going back over to house to train 2 weekends ago after not training at all for 2 months. She is definitely still talking with him via posts on his training groups FB page. He took a selfie with him and 4 other athletes (including my W) the day she started going back over there and the next day, my W took a selfie with him and one other person when he was running a marathon. She didn't run but went to cheer on a bunch of the athletes. There are probably 30 or more people that are actively involved in the training group (there are 80 people that follow that page). Her entire social network revolves around that group so that make my situation so much more difficult. If she is to have NC with him, she basically can't have any contact with any of those people because HE is that group. It not like he's just some random trainer at a 24 hour fitness. Its HIS group and it all revolves around him.

Detaching isn't going to push her back to the OM. If she goes back to the OM, its not because you detached. Its because she is emotionally weak, resentful, rebellious, disrespectful and has a heart full of contempt. She's got to fix that. In the mean time, you have to work on YOU. Become the man you KNOW you can be. The man she would be a fool to leave!


Me: 48 y/o
W: 47 y/o
Together: > 20 yrs
BD: Dec '15, then S
2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D
April '16: started piecing
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
S
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 209
Thanks, LiM.

Dude, I don't know how you do it. What would happen if everyone in that group found out they were having an affair? I know my W is trying desperately to keep it hush hush - only a few close people know. Same on my end. If this were to get out, I honestly fear for her mental health.

Thanks for the kind words. I managed to work a 9 hour day today, put in a 1 hour workout, ran the dog for another 20 minutes, and made dinner for me and my youngest. The W was home, depressed as all hell (yesterday she couldn't leave the bed), but she managed to drag herself to do some work tonight for a few hours.

This is one remorseful woman, that's for sure. I've been ignoring her texts and its hard, dude, its SO hard to detach from someone you've spent 30 years of your life with. You just can't flick that switch.

Read some more of your posts - I got the same lecture, "why didn't you work out with me when I asked?" Maybe this was the wake up call I needed.


Me: 52
Her: 48
2D 26 & 16
M: 25 years (together 30)
EA/discovered by accident Valentines day 2016
Admitted SOME physical but no IC.
We know that's a lie.
Status - tryin to R
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